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* * * * - 5 votes

JasonTheFoodFan - Episode #1 - The Braided Menace

Posted by Dragonkng198 , 01 March 2015 · 3,033 views

FOOD PORN!

Decided that I wanted to do more fresh cooking, so I decided to make a food porn blog for you TIF'ers. You know why?

Because [bleep] you. That's why.

You get to look at all the nice things I cook and eat, and I can laugh at the knowledge that your jealous hunger will cause you pain. It brings me amusement to cause pain.

Let's get this shit started then, shall we?



One of the first things I cooked up that I'm really proud of was a braided spaghetti bread. When thinking about what I could make for my food porn blog, I remembered that, but I didn't want to do something that I'd already done in exactly the same way. I decided to modify it to create something different instead.

Braided pizza bread.

So first of all, you gotta get ingrediants. Where do you buy those? ASDA [bleep]es.

Ingrediants


Strong white bread flour and yeast [bleep]. The yeast was the fresh shit though, wasn't expecting it, so you gotta add 15g of that shit to 150ml warm water, wait for around 10 minutes for it to get all foamy for your ribbed pleasu... wait, what?

....Anyway, add that shit to your 500g of freshly sieved strong white bread flour (freshly fried fish fillets anyone?), and mix it up.

Do it by hand. Filthy, dirty hands rubbing that hard dough into submission. Mhm yeah girl. Food porn.

You'll need to add more warm water than the original 150g, but I can't give you instructions for that. You gotta work that shit by error, so when your dough is getting slightly sticky (OH BABY), and all the dough in the bottom of the bowl stays in one ball without falling apart, throw it on the work surface and knead that [bleep].

Pretend it's De Elite One's head. Pound that [bleep] into submission. He loves a good pounding.

After you knead the dough for around 5-10 minutes, it should come out something as such:

As such


From there, you throw it in a bowl (NOW HERE'S SOME COOKING LIFE HACKS FOR YOU! I didn't lightly grease the bowl this time like I usually do, and when I had to get the dough out of the bowl, it stuck badly. It took me five minutes and my nails to get all the sticky bits of dough out of the bowl, while a minute of lightly greasing the bowl would have been a quick and easy job (like The Warrior's mother). Throw some cling film over the bowl for as air-tight a seal as possible, and keep the bowl in a warm place.

I threw my bowl into the cupboard where our boiler is. This get's fairly warm when the heating is on, so it worked a treat. After two hours, go back to your bowl and you'll find this:

This


YOUR DOUGH HAS BEEN DOUBLED, AND NO AMOUNT OF TRIMMING WILL REMOVE THE SCAM STUFF!

From here, you wanna knead that sucker a little bit more, because you want it in workable condition for rolling after you get it out of the bowl. Don't knead it for too long though, I'd recommend only for a minute because you don't want to over-knead that [bleep]. You want just the right amount of air in your dough, so it looks kinda like this:

Air-Dough rune


I sliced off this amount because Sally does not like ingredients which I put into the mega-bread, and wanted a plain cheese pizza bread instead. This is the smaller of the two breads you'll see, so keep that shit in mind. OUR FOCUS IS THE BIG BREAD. BIG BREADTHA!

Once you got your nice ball of bread, you wanna that shit out into a decent rectangle. "Why a rectangle Jason?! I WANT PENTAGON BREAD! AMERICA PRIDE! 'MERICA!!!!"

Because I said so you dumb yank slut. Having a rectangle lets you put the slices in the bread for the braiding much easier.

Once your bread is as thin as you want it, you wanna put slices in your bread. About an inch thickness between slices is good, but more or less than that doesn't hurt. You also want your slices to be just the right length to fold over the bread you're putting your ingredients in. You can see what I mean from the following picture, which already has the pizza sauce added!

KNIVES TO MAKE EVIL MUMM RA PROUD!!!


From there, you assemble that slut. Put her together however you want her.

I added mozzarella cheese, ham, chicken, pepperoni, mushrooms and red onion, but anything works really. Put what you'd put on a pizza, but try to keep it in the middle, and try not to overfill that sucker.

Enough meat to sate Darkwitchery (if ya know what I mean *wink*)


Once you've assembled your fillings, you wanna top that [bleep]. And no, I don't mean shoot it, I mean braid it! All you pretty girls out there, you know what I mean. Braid it like you would hair. Alternate the strips all the way until you're done.

You're done


From there, I added egg wash to the top to make it nice and golden brown upon cooking, showered it in garlic granules and sprinkled it with parsley.

Bake me like one of your French girls


From there, you whack them in the oven AT A DECENT HEAT for 45 minutes or so (UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN AS PEOPLE SAY, BUT I THINK IT'S NOT GOLD, I THINK IT'S BLACK AND BLUE! #teamblackandblue)

Once you feel your shit is cooked, you bring it out to the glory of trumpets, and a fanfare to make the Gods proud.

So golden brown, it's almost racist


Sally's cheesey bread


Big Breadtha


Enough Flash! to sing a Queen song


Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're happy. I know I am, because I'm currently eating food porn.

Pure, unadulterated porn.


More to follow...

  • Alg , Yoko Kurama , Sangrina and 4 others like this



Dean Ambrose
Mar 01 2015 09:45 PM

I Creme Fraiche'd

0/10, needs more alcohol

"Bake me like one of your French girls." LMAO.

IT WAS NOM. AND ITS ALL GONE. Well, mine is. It takes Jason like 5 days and 300 hours to actually eat a meal. :P

I want to cook this.

Ingredi-ants.

no racism

Now I'm hungry... That looks really delicious.

what the [bleep]

March 2019

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