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[Review] Constantine (Spoiler Alert)


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Wrote this about a week back, just to test my english skills. Might contain a bit of swearing, i'm pretty sure i got it all out but i'm sure the filter will find what I didn't, if it doesn't i apologise :) Read on at your own risk...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Constantine - It could have been good

 

 

 

Article by : Strife

 

 

 

Dated : 26/03/05

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As time goes by it's becoming more and more apparent that movie writers are running out of ideas - and here, we have a prime example. Just when people thought the whole novelty was over, a new DC comic book hero hits the big screen. Hell wants him. Heaven won't have him. Earth needs him. And nobody cares.

 

 

 

The story follows paranormal investigator John Constantine and his attempts to enter the promised land that is heaven. Sporting a hideous chesty cough due to his life-long smoking habit and a bling bling chicken wing gold shotgun, Keanu Reeves always seems to be in the right place at the right time as far as paranormal activity goes. The movie begins with a typical Mexican [cabbage]-picker rooting around in the dirt with his comprend̮̩̉̉, obviously looking for the so-called "Spear of Destiny" that "Jesus was killed with by a solider." Funny that he manages to put his foot through a solid wood trapdoor and stumble across it, eh? Movies work in mysterious ways...When the spear is found, unnamed scavenger immediately seemingly gets his sorry [wagon] run down by a random truck (may i include that this is the only vehicle you see in this whole scene - good timing, eh?) and, with the "Power of the Spear of Destiny" gets up and walks away in perfect form, whilst the pickup sits totalled. It soon appears that this man is no longer human - a quick transformation to say the least.

 

 

 

Throughout the duration of the movie, our taco-eating gringo's progress to wherever he may be going is followed at random points. It's in one of these scenes that he walks through a cattle field, each cow dropping dead as he approaches it. Although Constantine wasn't a particularly great movie, this is one of the most awesome scenes I have ever seen in a movie. To be fair it's a relatively simple idea, and yet it made for really good viewing. I'd probably watch it again, or download a dvd rip just to see this scene again. It really was mind-blowing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think i've gave away enough of the story, so onto the [bleep]ing and moaning. Constantine had the potential to be a gripping movie, and I didn't think "how long is there left of this mind-numbing crap left?" once. The movie was hugely let down by a couple of small, yet irritating details - most notably, Constantine's hugely crappy fabricated accent. On a personal level, I think i could do a better typical American detective accent with my hind quarters and two plates of sprouts, because it really did wreck the movie.

 

 

 

As if this wasn't enough to wreck what a mediocre movie Constantine was, the ironically nicknamed "BeeMan" death scene sucked major [wagon]. I've seen a man killed by bee's in movies a million times before, and more than once in "Killer Bees." The eggs/warts/boils or whatever they were appearing on his face and the fly coming from his eye was kind of cool, but the death scene could have been so much better. I mean, where's the face-eating? Where's the laying eggs in his brain? No. Warner Brothers decided against shock value, and instead, his eyes just bled and his head turned back. Nice one WB, way to wreck what could have been a disgustingly satisfying fatality.

 

 

 

The final main mess up in this run of the mill piece of crap was the daemons from the hell scene. When i saw the first one, I thought it was pretty awesome because it looked as if the daemon had died on earth, gone to hell and stayed with the wounds he obtained in his mortal state. But no, for some reason, all of the pathetic little [cabbage]s were that way. It would have even passed if they were missing a limb or two each, but obviously corners had been cut and they just used the same computer render for each one - pretty bad by anyone's standards, needless to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This aside, Constantine had a pretty decent storyline. Sadly the best scenes were at the start, so it all went downhill from there. The exorcism was really well made, and I love the way that Constantine kind of lost control over the possessed girl at one point. After the suicide scene which was pretty breathtaking, nothing else was really that great. The scene where Keanu drowns Angela Dodson (aka Rachel Weisz) so she can see what hell is like was pretty good, but not great. The dragons breath weapon was pretty good aswell, but i'm just displeased that it doesn't actually exist to my knowledge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overall, Constantine isn't a bad movie. It's watchable, but not rewatchable (aside from the cattle killing scene, of course) and the storyline is pretty solid, but it was let down in places. I guess it's the same as all DC Comic remakes really, you kind of watch it and don't care much for it after. Unless you're a spirograph-obsessed geek who lives in a shreddies box factory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rating : 3/5 Bath Drownings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extra Points of Interest :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we all know the comic was based upon a DC Comic book named "HellBlazer." It's interesting to note that John Constantine is from Liverpool (aka Scallyland) in the comic, whereas in the movie he originates from Los Angeles. Score one for the Brits, Hollywood!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deja v̮̼̉̉? The Spear of Destiny is the exact same one as used in Hellboy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The movie was based on the comic book "Hellblazer" but was quickly changed due to sounding too similar to "HellRaiser." The original comic was actually intended to be called Hellraiser, but Clive Barker beat them to it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keanu Reeves bought the pimptastic holy shotgun and gave it to Francis Lawrence as a gift.

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