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So, I could use a bit of help...


knives669

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Alright. I'm currently a Senior in high school. And as many of us Americans do when we hit Senior year, I'm making preparations to go to college. I live in Arkansas and my parents want me to go to The University of Central Arkansas. It's about four hours away from where we live. I've been admitted there, and I'm applying for a scholarship there. But, I have visited the campus, and I have to say that I HATE it. The town around it is small and dreary. The campus itself is dreary and depressing. The buildings are all old, stained, and creepy. I just didn't feel comfortable there at all. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I guessed that the academics would be alright. I'm planning on going in to Pre Medicine and they showed us the Science building. The labs and classrooms were extremely cramped and the labs seemed... unsafe. :P However, the teachers were nice and helpful. And that was about the only thing I liked about the experience.

 

 

 

Now, here comes the conflict. I want to go to college out of state (to those of you who don't know, the problem with going to an out of state college is that it is more costly). I want to go to Arizona State University in Tempe. A friend of mine has had some family go there and they loved it. My own parents have visited the campus and have loved it. Though, I've never been there before (since I live about 1500 miles away). I'm planning on moving to Arizona this summer with my boyfriend (of three years) and three other friends are making preparations to go to the same college my boyfriend is going to (University of Advancing Technology in Tempe). So, all five of us are moving out there this summer. We all have to live on our respective campuses for the first year, but after that, my boyfriend and I are planning to get an apartment and live together, sharing rent and all that good stuff. The thing about ASU is that I'm convinced that I'm going to be happy there. Something about the place just feels right to me. :D And I can't wait to get there. ^_^

 

 

 

So, I've got everything planned out. I've been admitted to ASU, I applied for housing today and I'm working on getting student loans right now. Unfortunately, my parents DO NOT want me to go. They've been very vocal for the last couple of months about how they do not approve of my plans and how they don't want me to go that far away. They are convinced that I'm going to be homesick, and I won't be able to function at all without them breathing down my neck. So, tonight they came home and asked to talk to me. My dad, who is always angry, was especially angry tonight. He cursed me out, threatened to kill my boyfriend (yes. A 45 year old man threatened to kill his daughter's 20 year old boyfriend), and told me that since I was too stupid to make my own decisions, he was going to make them for me. My mom basically said that she knew I was going there just to follow my boyfriend, though I was looking into ASU before my boyfriend and I even met three years ago. And, if my boyfriend and I were to break up tonight, I would still want to go to Arizona. Now, they simply will not listen to me. They are convinced they know what is going to make me happy. So, my dad told me to call my boyfriend and tell him that I wasn't going to go to Arizona. I did call my boyfriend, and we just further planned what we were going to do, how we were going to get there, and how we were going to leave.

 

 

 

My dad came in about half an hour after I got off the phone with my boyfriend and grilled me about all that we said to one another. I just ignored him, because I'm very tired of putting up with him and his irrational behavior. I'm a legal adult (I still have some growing up to do though. ^_^) and I can make my own decisions. I'm aware of the fact that going to an out of state college is more costly. I'm aware of the fact that I will probably be in debt for awhile. I know that I will have to pay my loans back and it won't be easy. But, I absolutely HAVE to get out of Arkansas and sadly, away from my dad in particular. I know that I cannot grow or mature anymore as a person unless I am far away from my dad. I know that this is very sad, but my dad really messed me up as a child. He had anger problems and not only was he very regularly mentally abusive, he was physically abusive as well. Though he is seeing a therapist and on medication, it doesn't always help and I have come to fear my dad's anger and hate him because of it. So, I have to get away from my parents at least for a few years. There are a lot of things that I have to sort out without them around.

 

 

 

Anyway, right now, I'm just trying to keep the peace. My dad is threatening to kill my boyfriend, and I'm just trying to keep my dad in the dark right now as to what I plan to do. I know that his uncertainty is the only thing keeping him from forbidding me to see my boyfriend. But, tonight, I have already feared for my physical well-being as well as for my future. Though I don't really feel any kind of attachment to my dad, I hate it when he gets angry. I fear that he will hurt me, my brother, or my sister. Just a week ago, he made my brother's girlfriend run out of our house crying because he yelled at her and said some really horrible things to her.

 

 

 

So, I could just use some advice. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go to Arizona no matter what my parents say. They can't tell me what to do anymore, and I feel as though I'm going to be happy. I could just use some advice as to how to handle the situation. I would also like to know what everyone else thinks about my plans. My parents have convinced me that I'm going to ruin my life and that I'm stupid for wanting to do this. But, I would like the opinions of others. ^_^

 

 

 

Thank you for reading this far, and thank you for your time. ^_^ Your opinions are appreciated.

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Well there is a few things you can do.

 

 

 

The first is you could try and just convince them. Show them that the acedemics and such are better at this school you want to go to, or show them that you'll be around plenty of friends and won't be homesick.

 

 

 

 

 

The second thing is a bit more difficult. The fact is if you are a legal adult, and manage to get a scholarship to this school in Arizona and if you have a car you can always just go and they really have no right to stop you. I do trust that it is the right decision for you (to go to this school in Arizona) it's just going to be difficult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyways I go to school out of state as well and I love it. I was lucky enough though that my parents understood.

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck. :P

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Going to school next year out of state too. Funfun.

 

 

 

Can't think of anything other than Nadril's points. Just make sure not to be too rash about what you do, and don't expect your parents to fold immediately. It's guna work out, one way or another.

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Seems like you've made your mind up and know the issues involved with your decision. Your boyfriend probably has influenced your decision, but so what? It matters to you, and anyone should be able to understand that. I also know plenty of people who actually went to another country to come to my university because they wanted to get away from their home, so that's understandable too.

 

 

 

I wish you the best of luck keeping the peace. Parents can find it hard seeing their kids go off to university, and harder knowing that you are not dependent upon them any more for decision making. But you know that you have to leave them some day.

 

 

 

I personally tend to think that almost any place where thousands of university-age people congregate and live is going to be an awesome place. But if you've already convinced yourself that ASU is where you want to be, then stick to it.

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Keep in mind, your parents have raised you for the last 18(?) years, and suddenly you're going to be gone. At least with a four hour drive there is a chance of seeing you still. I go to college in my home town (I moved out) and see my parents at least once a week, and that's the perfect balance. I know kids who drive three hours on weekends to see their families. Some people need that. Everyone, spare no one, who I know that came to school from out of the area, has missed home. Those are all things to keep in mind.

 

 

 

That said, who is paying? Sort of a rhetorical questions, since you mentioned you will be getting the loans. Since your parents aren't putting forth the money for you to go to school and make a better life for yourself, it's kind of up to you to do. Since you're paying for it, you may as well pay for what YOU want. That might be enough to convince you, but now you need to convince your parents. The last thing you want to do is leave in the middle of the night on a bad note to Arizona and not see them for four months only to go home to deal with more family problems on the holidays.

 

 

 

I can't help any about the boyfriend and your dad, but maybe your dad thinks the only reason you're doing this is because of him, and not for your own reasons. Something else to think about...

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I'm fourteen years old, and giving advice to a senior in High School.

 

 

 

Right on.

 

 

 

Anyway, if you are a legal adult now, your parents can't do anything to stop you. This school in Tempe sounds so much better then the one in Arkansas. If you feel that you belong there, go for it. Nothing is stopping you except your parents. Don't rebel, just tell them it's your future and your dreams, not theirs. That's what I trying to explain to my parents. I told them my dream is to play Pro Football, but my mom is breathing down my neck about being a lawyer.

 

 

 

But, I still have a few years to decide. You only have a few months. Good luck, I hope you get what's best for you.

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Hey Kayla, it's been awhile =P. Sorry to hear you're in a situation like this.

 

 

 

Anyways even though this won't help your situation at all if your parents don't realize this, but you in all likelihood would probably be seeing your parents just as much being 4 hours away as 1500mi or whatever it was you said. I live an hour and a half away from home and I've been home 3 times first semester, all of which were week long breaks or a month long. Now you might not go home during those one week breaks but you will at least see them every month. I love my parents but honestly I haven't missed them in the least bit (don't tell them that =p). Peter makes a very valid point, I mean put yourself in their shoes. Imagine raising your child for such a long time then they end up leaving you to be independent adults. In my opinion it's harder for the parents than for the kids, ESPECIALLY if you are a only child/the first to go/the last.

 

 

 

Anyways if you can somehow manage it maybe you can get a meeting with a counselor a long with your parents, and if not just ask an adviser/counselor for advice. It's going to suck having those loans going to an out of state school, but you can probably be your own judge as to whether it's worth it or not. In all honesty, you may want to call the police or something like that. I don't really think it would be that extreme, just tell them the situation and they might be able to help out as far as your dad wanting to kill your boyfriend. I don't know how serious he was about that, but if he really was serious I don't think that's something you can just let slide off. Anyways the best of luck to you with your decision, you will have fun no matter where you go. College for me so far at least has been an AMAZING experience so far and I've only done one semester of it. Don't let it get to you too much, things will work out for the better, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time (or even for awhile). Keep us updated =P

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Being a parent myself, I can understand why your parents are acting in this way, they are scared because you don't need them anymore. Your growing up in to a woman and making choices of your own.

 

Parents always irrational things when they are scared, they will come around in the end, once they see you are happy.

 

Just remember, keep in contact with your parents, phone them atleast once a week, tell them how school is going, tell them the things that are going on (they will love that, knowing how well your getting on etc).

 

Visit during the holidays, even if only for a weekend, they will have missed you, so seeing you, even for a short time will make them happy.

 

 

 

My advice for now is:

 

 

 

You are an adult, you can make your own choices. Do what makes you happy and worry about others later (as I have said, they will come round eventually).

 

Do it for the right reasons, if you really want to go to the college out of state, do it, but do it for yourself and your future. (boyfriends can come and go, your future is more important).

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck hun, I hope it all works out for you! <3:

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Good for you - I have to say the environment in which you work is one of the most important things to being successful. It'll simply give you that much more motivation when you're finding things tough or things get you down. My second choice uni was nowhere near as nice/good as the one I'm at and had its odd dingy bits like you've described - luckily where I am all I need is a 15 minute walk around the beautiful city and I feel ready for work again.

 

 

 

You're doing well, stick to your guns :wink:

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If you are 18 or over they can't legally force you to do anything without some sort of court decision, am I right? Otherwise I don't know.

 

 

 

Can't force her to do anything either way. A judge can't say "you must live at home even though you're 18" to her!

 

 

 

It sounds like they are gonna have some trouble letting you go. I too have experienced the whole jealous dad thing, my missus' step dad can't stand the fact that I exist, will hardly ever let me in the house, whereas her mum likes me and has no problem with us. She even lies to her husband about where she's stopping because he'd flip out about it, but it's needless.

 

 

 

Anyway, nuff about me - you've gotta take into consideration that you're moving 1500 miles away. You and your boyfriend have been together for 3 years and i've no doubt in my mind that you'd love the extra space you get living together, no nosey parents or anything, but if you're leaving the nest, you've gotta understand that parents kind of see it as the end of an era - the end of where they're truly parenting you and you're ready for the wide world on your own.

 

 

 

Home obviously isn't a good situation for you, especially if you're being held down at your age - you can't put a sunflower in a dark shed and expect it to grow. If you're worried that your dad is actually gonna hurt you or your boyfriend because of it then to be honest, you probably need to be a bit of a [bleep] to him - not implying anything, btw - and just sod off to Arizona weather he likes it or not. If he comes 1500 miles across the country to find you two, be ready with a baseball bat and tell him to get the hell off your property. Your dad isn't always right - you're both growing up and you both need to do what's best for you, not some selfish parent. As I say though, I don't mean this offensively to your dad, he has genuine problems by the sounds of things.

 

 

 

Your future is important, Kayla, and it involves decisions you (and your boyfriend, of course) should be making, not your parents. You're not doing anything bad - you're getting away from your problems, at least until they settle down a little, and you're making a life for yourself. You can't let people stand in the way, it's complete crap that they're saying you're too stupid to make your own decisions, you're making a wise decision and doing something you want to do, they're just trying to make it for you because they're being possessive and don't like the decision you're making - not because it's the wrong one in their opinion, but because you're moving away.

 

 

 

Do yourself a favour and get out and live your life. Any kind of a parent would support your decision, not make it for you. You're doing the right thing following your dreams, so don't let anyone tell you any different. You're not a cretin, you can look after yourself and you have a wonderful boyfriend to support you through thick and thin, and uni will be the time of your life.

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Hey my beautiful gal :) Can't type much coz everyone is in bed and I'm on the noisy keyboard. I'll add more tomorrow if need be.

 

 

 

I think you and I both know you've made your mind up :wink: What I think you're seeking though is approval from someone you respect, as you unfortunately can't at home.

 

 

 

First of all I'm angry at your mum not your dad. I'll tell you why I'm angry at your mum. What kind of a mother puts their daughter through 18 years of HELL and mental abuse? God people can be so selfish. Yes your dad has been abusive, however, your mother had the choice to make her kids grow up in that environment.

 

 

 

Personally, after I made sure the [bleep]er could never have another child, I'd work 2 full time jobs and raise my kids myself before I exposed any of them to that kind of upbringing.

 

 

 

Second of all if you don't go, I'm going to fly over there and help you pack. You are old enough to make your own decisions now and learn by your own mistakes.

 

 

 

Personally, I think this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Even if things don't work out, you'll be free from the mental abuse and give your emotions time to heal.

 

 

 

The ONLY thing that concerns me, is where your father is going to direct his anger once you leave. I hope your mother finally finds the strength to break free, just as you have. She has done her job, you're an adult and alive.

 

 

 

Now it's time to leave the nest and heal those broken wings O:)

 

 

 

Parents have a hard time letting go but threatening to kill people is crossing the line. This shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt.

 

 

 

My only advice is to keep things under control (you know what I'm talking about), have a back up plan, have a back up plan after that and another back up plan just in case.

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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

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Your dad has issues. He needs anger management by the looks of it.

 

 

 

Anyway, do whats best for your future, thats all any parent should want for you, despite their own selfish wants.

 

 

 

Honestly, since you are a legal adult, you can just pack up and move out whenever you want, if you have somewhere to go, and theres crap all your parents can do about it.

 

 

 

I doubt you would want to do this but, one day you may have to report your dad to the police, family or not, if he is violent and making any kind of threat (The Police take ANY threat seriously) then maybe he needs to see what will happen. Yeah it could suck to do that to a parent, but if its your only choice... Also, if your dad doesn't calm down and you end up feared he will harm your brother and sister, then it seems he is an unfit parent, from what you've posted there it seems as if he is, best thing to do would be to get them away from him.

 

 

 

Just go to ASU, its what you want to do, and your parents can't really stop you.

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Firstly, I don't feel it's my place to comment on your abusive upbringing, so I'm going to stay away from that.

 

 

 

Do what feels right, Kayla! You know in your heart what you want to do, so go ahead and do it. Your parents are being over-protective, as parents are. They will get over it and they will still be there for you, in their own way, if everything goes wrong. As an adult you have the right to make your own choices and that includes making your own mistakes and your own successes. Get out there and live your life. Your friends, including many people here, will all be behind you wishing you love and luck every step of the way. :D

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I don't think there's any doubt in your mind what you want to do, so go for it. I understand the fact that you're still reluctant to do anything so big without your parents blessing, but at the end of the day it's your life, you're the one living it, and your parents have to accept that. Trying to talk to and convince a completely irrational person can be very hard, I wouldn't know how to do that, particularly if you could be threatened with physical abuse. If you can, talk to your mother if you think she'll be more reasonable. Tell her why you're telling her and not your father, if he's been abusive to you you owe him nothing.

 

 

 

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, it's hard to know what to do. But whatever you decide, and whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

"Da mihi castitatem et continentam, sed noli modo"

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Cool! Medical field? Exactly what I'm interested in. Whatcha getting into?

 

 

 

I would suggest leaving your dad, but I don't think that would be possible unless your friends have apartments or if you have the money. Money is going to be hard, assuming you aren't going to have any financial help from your parents after college. Medical residents don't really make more than waiters as it is.

 

 

 

If he abuses you or whatever, I hate to say this, but maybe the practical/realistic thing to do would just be to put up with it for a couple more months. I can't think of anything else, unless you're the daring type and unless your friends/friend's parents would be willing to house you or something.

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I would like to thank everyone for the support. ^_^ It really means a lot to me.

 

 

 

I promised myself that I would have a backup plan in case things in Arizona didn't work out, and I just mailed off a scholarship application to UCA (despite the fact that I don't want to go there) to both make my dad leave me alone, and to ensure that I do have a future somewhere in Arkansas.

 

 

 

I can really understand how my parents wouldn't want me to go. They raised me for 18 years and I know that it's going to be a hard change for them. My twin brother and I are the oldest in the family, and this is the first time they've ever had their kids move out. I REALLY don't want to leave on a bad note, and I know that I have to try to convince them that I'm going to be happy. Like Peter said, the last thing I want to do is leave in the middle of the night on a bad note and have to deal with stress during the holidays because of them. I also don't want my dad to direct the anger he feels toward me in the direction of my mom or siblings. But, at the same time, if I feel that they still don't understand how I feel about the situation, I will leave no matter what they say. It is my decision.

 

 

 

I'm going to give them some time to cool down and see if I can't talk to them. But, I'm still concerned about what they're going to do about my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm just going to try and keep the peace until I can talk to them rationally. And if that doesn't work, I can take them to my school counselor or my psychologist.

 

 

 

Once again, thanks for the advice. ^_^ It has helped A LOT.

 

 

 

Oh yeah to Rushrock: I plan to major in biological science. I want to eventually become a General Practitioner.

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Good luck babe if you ever need any help, you got a whole tip it community of loving people to help support you. ::'

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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

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i just my acceptence letter into JMU its the school i really wanted to go to ::' , my parents just want for me to be happy, just tell that, that Arizona is where you will be happy, they cant tell you want you want and dont want, if all hell breaks lose you could always move out for the second semister of high school

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To be very honest Kayla, I felt a little afraid for you reading that, and still I do. I know you have probably lived with how your dad has been for the past 18 years, but to threaten to kill your boyfriend...? A little too far for my liking... but then again thats just.

 

 

 

You can do it Kayla. Go to the uni you want get where you want in life. As you have said, only staying there with your dad will make things worse.

 

 

 

*Fluffles*

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