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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


Da_Latios

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I feel like this is the perfect time for this picture:

 

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I feel like this ALL the time ITT.

Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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^I'm actually doing both.

The only difference between Hitler and the man next door who comes home and beats his kids every day is circumstance. The intent is the same-- to harm others.

[hide=Tifers say the darndest things]

I told her there was a secret method to doing it - and there is - but my once nimble and agile fingers were unable to perform because I was under the influence.

I would laugh, not hate. I'm a male. :(

Since when was Ireland an island...? :wall:

I actually have a hobby of licking public toilet seats.

[/hide]
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The hell does that mean, Tim? Or should I wait for the typed version later?

 

I am currently not masturbating. Because I'm drinking a beer. It's pretty much one or the other. And perhaps you have a point muggiw, I do inadvertently "value" drama. I don't mean to, but I'm very attracted to it.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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The hell does that mean, Tim? Or should I wait for the typed version later?

 

I am currently not masturbating. Because I'm drinking a beer. It's pretty much one or the other. And perhaps you have a point muggiw, I do inadvertently "value" drama. I don't mean to, but I'm very attracted to it.

 

Have you established any goals for yourself yet?

 

When your life has meaning and purpose, you'll begin to avoid drama like the plague

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OK, no problem and I respect that, but it's very hard to pick out what you mean with words like "purpose", "meaning" and "goals". There's enough psycho-babble business-talk out there on the Internet including those words that they could mean a whole plethora of things. I think I know what you mean, but you can appreciate the difficulty of translating advice in that form to one's own experience of life.

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It's kind of a spiritual/emotional thing. Something that makes you feel really happy and connected and brings a tear to your eye.

 

I'm not really sure how to discover your life purpose/meaning/mission. In my case, there's just been a few "peak experiences" in my life that suggested what mine is.

 

You could try this out if you want; I'm not sure how helpful it is though. Couldn't hurt, right? :P

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Right. Gotta figure out my goals. Meeting new people and graduating on time are fairly passive goals. Trying to get a raise soon, but again, not really a big picture goal. I'll take a gander at that article you linked methinks.

Quote

 

Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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[hide=Brace yourselves, HYTers are coming]relationshipb.jpg[/hide]

 

Goals are best when they're specific and measurable. So if it's "meeting new people", say "make five new friends in the next fortnight." You're far more likely to achieve it if you hold yourself to some objective standard.

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I think we as humans have the amazing ability to make false things true. If you believe something hard enough, it actually becomes true in your own mind. But what makes humans special is that we have the ability to convince other people that our own personal delusions and skewed views are actually true. We have the capacity to advertise, propagate and influence the minds of others, to make any statement or falsehood a bonofide fact. We have the ability to sympathize and empathize our emotions, projecting messages to other people in a very hive-mind like fashion that evolved into our social stigmas, our behavior, and our feelings.

 

That being said, Muggiwhplar, I believe your belief of love being boring is in fact making you believe it's boring. Just in the same motivational train we put ourselves in to diffuse awkward encounters (It's only as awkward as you make it). Think of it this way: Love is exciting. Love is not boring. Love is exciting. It's different for every person, and while you are perfectly entitled to your own conjectures and opinions on it, you are projecting a certain quantity of negative energy over the concept of love and traditional relationships. If you were to change your outlook in the same way you beg us to attempt (to combat those pesky social norms that everyone here can agree are mostly balogna) to do, you would just as easily find yourself believing love is exciting. I know you've meditated and thought it all out, and I'm not asking for you to spell out every step you took to reach your conclusion, I just think it's interesting that having had what I assume to be a similar frequency of self-reflection, we both deducted such different conclusions.

 

You're touching on a point which I was going to write about in-depth soon.

 

In a nutshell, and quantum physics aside, some things in life are concrete realities (objective), while others are subject to personal interpretation (subjective). If you want to be consistently happy, then you must learn which of these realities are objective (and unchangeable), and which are subjective. If something is objective, and it is unpleasant, then you must accept it anyways. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to accept it if you want to be happy. For example, if you're a fat girl, you're going to have a harder time finding a boyfriend than if you were fit because men are hardwired to find fit women more attractive than fat women. Is that fair? No, not necessarily. But if you're a fat girl and you want to get a boyfriend, you can't do anything to change how men feel. If you want to get a boyfriend, you're better off losing weight than trying to convince men otherwise. You have to accept reality and structure your life such that the reality doesn't interfere with your happiness. If something is subjective, you should always be optimistic about it. The problem is, people are always optimistic/pessimistic "incorrectly."

 

People watch the news (which is nothing but negativity and trauma-inducing garbage these days) and see a plane crash. Suddenly they're anxious about flying on a plane, even though in reality, the fact of the matter is that the odds of a plane crash are very unlikely. Conversely, when it comes to things like marriage, reality states that it's unlikely to succeed, yet people still insist on getting married, despite acknowledging the statistics. The divorce rate is like 50%, yet people will gladly bet their long-term happiness on such shitty odds. Everyone thinks they're special when they aren't. It's like going skydiving when the instructor tells you "Oh by the way, half of these parachutes don't work. Is that going to be a problem?" :P

 

When it comes to "correctly" interpreting things, I've said in the past that if a girl rejects you, then there's no denying that you've been rejected. You can, however, subjectively interpret the situation as "good" or "bad." A "good" interpretation would be, "Wow I'm glad I found out now that we're not a match, as opposed to wasting several more hours talking to her-- or even longer! Now I'm free to talk to other girls who might be interested!" A "bad" interpretation would be, "That girl just rejected me, I'm such a loser! Why doesn't she like me?!"

 

Now, then. Things such as "boredom" and "love" are indeed subjective. However, the fact that feelings change over time is not an opinion; it's a fact. How you feel about your partner when you first date them is going to be completely different than how you feel from them decades down the road. Additionally, you're not going to be infatuated/obsessed with them like you were when you first met them-- those feelings are temporary. Those initial feelings are also subjectively exciting. The feelings that replace them are subjectively boring. Their love isn't full of passion and mystery and excitement anymore; their relationship is very routine and secure. They come home from work, watch TV together, then go to bed (probably without having sex). That's the reality of the matter. If you think that sounds "fun" or "exciting," then by all means pursue it. Just don't complain about it if/when you start feeling unhappy, or if/when your wife starts fantasizing about other men because you no longer turn her on.

 

I told her that the past year has been a total mess. I told her that i messed up pretty much every relationship i was in.

 

Well I got to about here and I thought:

 

Dammit Noxx lol

 

Noxx, you remind me of myself in your current predicament, and I'm not just saying that because you're talking to your ex, I'm saying that because I know exactly how that conversation you had with her goes. Familiarity is not something that should be taken for granted. And I'll never argue anyone that states "The first is the best". I've heard wise words on this thread, words that stuck with me for something close to 6 years now. "If there ever was an attraction, there can and likely will be again". While these words doomed me to chase after my ex many...many times, I have to say it worked successfully. Especially in the case of such a strongly backed first "actual" relationship. Few are blessed with such a connection with someone for their first time. I have no regrets for anything regarding anything to do with any one, or the conglomeration of all of my relationships with my ex. Let's be fair, just because you "break up" with someone doesn't mean the "relationship" is over. A relationship is a connection, a tie of memory you share with someone for ever. I suppose a relationship ends when you stop talking to a person for one reason or another, but the connection can only ever grow stronger between two people. I know as well as you should that you're the type of guy that can always pick up the phone and with confidence call your ex and have something to talk about, and no matter what it is it'll deviate into something emotional. I do the same thing. Also why I try not to talk to her very often. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with it. I guess what I'm getting at is, you never really lost your ex. You just...I don't have a good analogy for it. But hell, I know you can get back together with her at any given moment. Maybe it won't be instantly, but with the connection you have with her, it will never not be possible. Your bond is far too strong. I live with a similar blessing/curse. I choose to handle it differently, so I conclude with this: You know the worst case scenario, and you know the best. Choose to do whatever will make you the happiest. Oh! and you're not a mess. You're just experiencing self-discovery.

 

I could be misinterpreting your post, but to be honest I have no clue why you're suggesting to Noxx that you can rekindle a "dead" relationship with an ex. You're the perfect counterexample to the point you seem to be trying to make.

 

The objective reality of the matter is, if you date a girl and then you break up and get needy, she's not going to be attracted to you like she once was. The only type of man that will turn a woman on forever is the man that remains confident and non-needy forever. As I've said before, monogamy prevents men from remaining confident and non-needy forever. Therefore, if you want a woman to remain attracted to you forever, poly's the only option. Both of you insist upon monogamy; both of you therefore will be unable to keep your "special someones" attracted to you forever. Will they "love" you forever? It's possible. But will they remain attracted/horny for you forever? Absolutely not. Such is the nature of the beast.

 

See that's the problem though. Our relationship was never dead. I mean, we did break up and we did go through a time where we spoke very little, but we still kept contact one way or another. We tried doing the friends thing pretty much right after we broke up. And since it was really a mutual thing (the breaking up), there were no tears nor any angry words. It's a really weird situation to try and explain and i'm sure than no matter how many times i explain it, it still might make little or no sense. But basically it's not like our relationship was ever dead. It was just sort of put on hold, i guess. When we broke up we told each other that whenever we were in the same place at the same time again we would try and pick up where we left off. Now this is something that is often said i realise that. At the time i put a lot of hope in those words and literally counted down the days till i would see her again. Eventually i started losing faith in those words, as i went on with my life. In the back of my mind though i kind of always had some sort of hope. Every time i would talk to her on the phone i would want to say things that i couldn't (things like i miss you, i love you) because i just didn't want to feel the pain. And quite frankly i was scared she would not say it back, or say it back without meaning it.

Me and my ex had something extremely weird between us. I mean i always thought we were a rather normal couple but we did things that normal couples (of our age at least) never did.

 

When it comes to the whole ex-topic, i am probably the biggest preacher of DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR EX. There's a reason she's your ex. The reason will always be there. And neither you nor she should change to fix that problem. And the reality is one of you will have to change to get rid of that problem. So it's a doomed relationship from the start. But because me and my ex never broke up because of a problem we had with each other, we're in a whole different category. I know i've explained this before, but we just broke up because i wanted to have fun, and i wanted her to have fun. She's been living in the middle east her entire life. She's always been a free spirit and therefor could never find herself where she lived. Her friends were all westerners. So she heard about all these experiences and never got the chance to live them herself. It caused a lot of issues with her and her parents and she had a lot of resentment towards them because of it. So when she finally got the chance to go to the US i knew it would finally be her chance to find herself and find her place in this world and i did not want to be the one to hold her back. She's extremely faithful to the point where she would not want to go to a party unless i am there. I did not want this to happen while she was away for two years so we broke it off and came to an agreement. There was a time where we spoke very little, and it felt like she forgot about me. I would call her and she would be very short with me and she started getting distant. Our conversations started getting more brief each time, and then it let to us not even picking up when the other one called. But then one day i guess we both realised that we missed talking to each other and things went back to normal. I mean, i guess that's what happens when you haven't seen a person for a long time. I think in the past 2 years we've only seen each other twice.

 

My side of the story though, the real reason i wanted to break it off with her... I finished school when i was 16, and then moved to the middle east month or two later. 16 is the age at which pretty much your life starts in South Africa. This is when you go to real parties. Start drinking secretly, sneak in to clubs/bars. I missed all of that. It took me a long time to make new friends in Qatar and even then i felt like i never really fit in. I missed a big part of my life. I never had the whole college experience, my friends were all younger than me at the time (a lot younger). I tried to cope but it was eating at me. I started writing just to get my thoughts out on paper and found myself writing 5 - 6 pages each and every day for about 2 years. I blamed my parents, i hated them for what they made me do. I tried committing suicide twice and i hated every second of my life. Kind of funny when you think about it. My parents were showering me with money and gifts and all i wanted to do was kill myself. Few months later i met my ex. Now when i had the chance to go to the US i finally saw this as my time to get my college experience, only problem was that i had a girlfriend. Now at the time i loved her with all my heart and the thought of cheating never even crossed my mind, but I WAS GOING TO BE IN THE US. The land of opportunities. And i wanted to take every opportunity i could to get drunk and/or get laid. I wanted to broaden my horizons a bit. I wanted to find myself, because for the last 6 years of my life i felt so lost and out of place.

 

Neither of us were any good with long distance either. We did it for 4 months when we were in different places and it was terrible. 2 years of that would have killed everything we ever had and we would have ended up trying to kill each other. The best thing we could do, for both of us, was just to "take a break".

 

I realise how all of this just sounds like me trying to justify everything that has happened, and everything that could happen in the future. I'm not going to try and convince people it's not, especially when i'm not even sure it's not. For the past 2 years i've been the more emotional one between the two of us. I've always had trouble letting go of people i cared for and i took every opportunity i though right t tell her what was on my mind and how i was feeling. She kept her distance and never told me she missed me or how she still felt about me. But then the other day she said something that kind of made me...realise.

We were talking about the to of us, together and apart. And we told each other that it's quite amazing that even after all the shit we went through, together and apart, that we still have such a great relationship. I told her that i am kind of surprised that we still are in each other's lives and she told me that she thought so too. She has had to let go of a lot of people the past two years, and has learned how to not get too emotionally involved. She told me that if she wanted to, she could have cut me off a long time ago. I know she's right about that, she could have done it. Then she said "but i never did". I told her that i sometimes wished she did, because it would have made certain things a lot easier for me. But then she said something that i remember telling her a long time ago: "We need to be in each other's lives."

I know it does not mean much, but it's something that makes me smile every time i think about it. It's the first time in a very long time that she has shown any sort of emotion towards anyone. And it's something that shows me that she still wants me around.

 

I somehow got completely off topic and completely forgot where i was going with this.

But i think basically what i was trying to say is that our relationship was never really dead. It was always there. Things were put on hold for a while because we both had our own things to do.

 

And then something else. Muggi, you claim that it's impossible to keep your spouse attracted to you forever. I call bullshit on that. Part of what made things between me and my ex so great was the fact that we both thought the other one could do much better. My ex is drop dead [bleep]ing gorgeous. On top of that she has something a lot of men would pray for: DDs. And to add to that she was fit as [bleep]. I believed she could do a whole lot better than me. That instantly makes her a lot hotter than she really is. We would go to parties together and the moment i left her she would get hit on, and guys would want to get her drinks. People wanted her, but i had her. I almost had fun watching other guys trying. It's stupid psychology, but for some reason that made her more desirable than she really was. It kind of felt like a never ending chase. And as a guy you should know that a lot of it lies in the chase (actually, all of it is in the chase). Because i felt like she could do so much better than me i felt like i had to really keep her attracted to me physically and sexually so things never really got boring. It was actually really fun. Now i know a short relationship like that is a bad example, but the same really goes for my parents.

I can still see the sparkle in my dad's eye every time my mom walks into the room, after a 28 year marriage. I've learned to walk around the house with a headset on at night so i don't have to risk hearing my parents. I think in many cases monogamy fails because people allow it to fail. People get comfortable with their partners and take the whole "through sickness and in health" thing too serious.

 

I'll explain.

You meet a girl. She's cute. She weighs 130lbs. She's 5"6. She works out. She eats healthy. She wears nice clothes. She takes the time to make herself look as good as she can when she goes out. You start dating her, because based on what you have seen, you like her. You've been dating for 2 years now and you ask her to marry you. Three years into the marriage she starts eating less healthy. She stops working out as much. She stops dressing up as much as she used to when you go out. She gains 30lbs. She stops taking care of herself like she used to. She's getting comfortable with you. You promised her that you would still love her even if she was to pick up 100lbs. You start losing your attraction in her.

She no longer really fits into what you would have described as your "type of girl" in the past.

You don't walk up to a girl in a bar thinking "man i would love to sit down and talk to this girl all night long, she seems like the type of person that has a great personality and great qualities." You walk up to her thinking "man, buy the end of tonight i hope we're back at my place doing the no pants dance."

And i think this is why people think poly is so much better than mono. Not because you're an animal and it's in your nature, but rather because it allows you to date YOUR type of girl for the rest of your life. Since poly mans you're in the dating game the entire time, you need to take the time to look after yourself if you expect to get the results you want. You need to put in the effort to get the reward. With mono, you already have the reward. So now you can relax. You've already caught the fish, so you can take the bait off the hook.

 

Now as shallow as this is, few months after me and my ex started dating she asked me the ''would you still love me if...." question. Would you still love me if i got fat. Yes, i would love you, because i would know every aspect of you. But i would not be with you anymore. I did not find myself attracted to you because of your personality, i found myself attracted to you because of your looks. I'm sorry, but your personality does not give me an erection. Your body does. Gain weight and i'd still be able to have the same meaningful conversation with you, but we're not going to have the same sex we used to nor am i going to look at you the same way i used to. Shallow, but that is the reality. She did not gain weight while we were together, she did not change anything about her appearance either. She was not unhappy about it either. She was never unhappy about it before we met, so she had no reason to be unhappy about it after we met. I was attracted to the person i met, and i expected it to stay that way. Is it unfair of me to be like this? No. It would be unfair of her to fool me into thinking she was someone she wasn't. The same thing happened to my uncle and his wife. They have been married for 32 years now and he told me a similar thing when i was 19. They are still as inlove and attracted as they were the day they first met simply because they feel like they are still married to the same person they met all those years ago. Not some overweight, lazy version of that person.

Attraction can last a lifetime. All you have to do is not get lazy.

 

EDIT: tl;dr: Our relationship was never dead, it was just on hold.

Attraction can last a life time if you don't get lazy.

 

Sorry for the short story.

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Ok... so when you "resume" your relationship, it's in the same category as any other relationship. Going on a long break and then being "reunited" doesn't grant you any special privileges or anything. It just means you "prolonged the inevitable" further.

 

You're right in that people can begin letting themselves go once they start getting comfortable in a mono relationship, whereas that doesn't really happen in poly. One of the many reasons why poly is better.

 

Also keep in mind that you won't know until years after you've been married whether or not your girlfriend/wife is going to stay attractive or not. By the time she starts getting fat, it's too late-- you're already stuck. Even if she does remain attractive for a woman her age, she'll still be easily outclassed by younger women. In other words, when she's 40 she could be a "10" for her age, but a "6" overall, when compared to every other woman.

 

But she's not really the issue here. Most men will still have no problems banging their wives as long as their wives let them. The question is-- are you the one who's going to be able to remain attractive? When you're looking around at all of these "successful" marriages, keep in mind that the ones you mentioned are from an era long ago with much different norms and expectations. To expect the same result nowadays isn't a wise idea, unless both of you have low sex drives and plan on having a "boring" marriage.

 

I'd elaborate more, but it wouldn't be any information that you haven't already heard from me. You know where I stand on this.

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News flash, basically without exception, people become unattractive when they get old. With that attitude noxx any marriage you enter is doomed to failure.

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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News flash, basically without exception, people become unattractive when they get old. With that attitude noxx any marriage you enter is doomed to failure.

Yes, people getting unattractive because of old age is something that is inevitable and we expect it to happen. My wife getting lazy (or as she likes to call it "comfortable") and gaining 50lbs is not something i expect. I do not expect her to trick me into thinking she is a fit healthy person just long enough for me to have a life with her, then the real her comes out and she becomes fat. I would, honestly, rather be the prick that tells a girl i'm dumping her ass because it got too big rather than the fool that stays with a wife to whom he has not been attracted to for 5 years, masturbates because sex with his wife is no longer fun, and wishes he never got down on one knee.

A marriage will only work if both people stay happy.

Surely there's a girl out there who feels the same as i do regarding this matter. So basically we would make the perfect match for each other. Till the day i find her, i guess i'll just [bleep] around.

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Yes, people getting unattractive because of old age is something that is inevitable and we expect it to happen. My wife getting lazy (or as she likes to call it "comfortable") and gaining 50lbs is not something i expect. I do not expect her to trick me into thinking she is a fit healthy person just long enough for me to have a life with her, then the real her comes out and she becomes fat.

 

I can almost guarantee that most men whose wives are now unattractive thought the exact same thing. "Oh my sweet little angel would never do that!"

 

Again, this isn't something you can "screen" for. You won't know until you've already placed your bets. Not smart.

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I'd like to think, as someone who cares for older people on a daily basis, that by the time I reach that age, physical attractiveness wouldn't mean anything as much to me as it does now. My experience of people in that age group is that they're looking for something different. All people except very young babies have a need to express sexuality, including the elderly, but the extent to which they do that and the way they do that differs depending on age.

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I'd like to think, as someone who cares for older people on a daily basis, that by the time I reach that age, physical attractiveness wouldn't mean anything as much to me as it does now. My experience of people in that age group is that they're looking for something different. All people except very young babies have a need to express sexuality, including the elderly, but the extent to which they do that and the way they do that differs depending on age.

 

Luckily that is true. But that probably applies mostly to people 60+. I'd like to think that by the time i get to that age (maybe 65+ rather) i'll be looking for something different too. But up to a certain age your happiness with a partner is going to rely mostly on one thing, and up until i reach that age i'd like to get it how i want it.

 

Yes, people getting unattractive because of old age is something that is inevitable and we expect it to happen. My wife getting lazy (or as she likes to call it "comfortable") and gaining 50lbs is not something i expect. I do not expect her to trick me into thinking she is a fit healthy person just long enough for me to have a life with her, then the real her comes out and she becomes fat.

 

I can almost guarantee that most men whose wives are now unattractive thought the exact same thing. "Oh my sweet little angel would never do that!"

 

Again, this isn't something you can "screen" for. You won't know until you've already placed your bets. Not smart.

 

I'm not sure how to respond to this. I've typed out probably 5 responses each bearing pretty much the same message, but it leaves too much room for misinterpretation. But basic thought is, if you find yourself in that situation, divorce.

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Yes, people getting unattractive because of old age is something that is inevitable and we expect it to happen. My wife getting lazy (or as she likes to call it "comfortable") and gaining 50lbs is not something i expect. I do not expect her to trick me into thinking she is a fit healthy person just long enough for me to have a life with her, then the real her comes out and she becomes fat.

 

I can almost guarantee that most men whose wives are now unattractive thought the exact same thing. "Oh my sweet little angel would never do that!"

 

Again, this isn't something you can "screen" for. You won't know until you've already placed your bets. Not smart.

You guys are acting as if weight gains are solely based on lifestyle.

 

A little something that my dad told me that seems to have held true quite often: if the girl's mother gained weight in her old age, so will her.

 

Kind of came true with my own mom :P .

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Ummmm, sorry for being a fool with American terms, but what is a prenup? Is it something like a pre-marital agreement?

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So I've noticed this thread's regulars all follow similar trends.

 

RPG is constantly dealing with psycho exes.

Muggi reminds us of the joys of polygamy.

Saq is totally oblivious to how much chicks dig him.

I strike out every other week.

Kalphite wages a war against the friend zone.

Randox pretty much stays rational.

Etc, etc

 

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