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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


Da_Latios

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Your double post/quote answered your own question. Avoided getting weirdly emotional about the whole thing though, so I think you're logic inducing debates are finally sinking in. You would HATE her if you ever met her given your stance on such emotional derivative behavior haha.

Nah, hate is irrational.

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Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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*Sigh*

 

So a few months ago a girl moved in to the house opposite mine. We would talk in passing every now and then. She lived with one of my friends, so i spent quite a lot of time there. About two or three weeks after she moved in, i got a bit tipsy the one night. We started texting each other when i got home, and long story short she spent the night. The following day i was over at her house again. Me and my friend were playing xBox. She sat down next to me as we played. It was a bit awkward to be honest. That night though, she spent the night again. I was a bit confused about what was happening, cause it's not something i've really ever done before.

This kind of became a regular thing. She would come over probably about 5 times a week. At the time, i was pretty much in heaven. I tried not to think about the emotional side of things. We actually never really spoke much during the day. It was just at night. So my logic told me that this was just about sex. And i had a conversation with her about a week or two after she moved in and she told me about her ex who hurt her, and stuff like that. She continued to tell me that now she just wanted to have fun, and she always gets what she wants. Even more reason for me to believe it was just about sex.

So eventually my friend (her roommate) found out what was going on between us (i told him after an awkward moment where he told me he was going to try make a move on her). So the two of us started talking and he told me that he thinks she's been doing the same thing with the guy that lives next to me. I kind of had a suspicion from the start, but something told me that it wasn't really true.

Now something i need to make clear is that she's one of the only hot girls in pretty much an all guys flight school. She gets a lot of attention from all the guys around here. Within the first two weeks so many guys asked to take her out to lunch/dinner. Every guy was trying to get in her pants. A lot of guys claimed to have hooked up with her and some even claimed to have gotten further. But this was a chap tactic used to try and "scare" others off. Make them think you already got with her, and that it's going to happen regularly. This way other guys will probably give up meaning you're not going to have competition.

 

So a lot of what other guys said, i didn't really believe. I never told anyone that her and I were having sex on a very regular basis, because i guess i just didn't want people to know.

So anyway, it seemed like people started backing off eventually. They kind of realised she was [bleep]ing somone, they just didn't know who. I'm almost certain that she and my neighbor did have sex once or twice, but this was before anything between us started so it didn't really bother me.

 

A few weeks ago, pretty much 3 weeks ago actually, we kind of stopped talking as much. I was having a hard time getting over really bad food poisoning and a cold at the same time, so i spent half the day in bed sleeping. I didn't really talk to her much for the entire time. Then the one night, probably around 4 am i went outside for a cigarette. My sleeping pattern was very messed up, so i would pretty much sleep till 4 or 5 pm, then go to bed in the early mornings at like 8 or 9 am. Anyway i noticed her car was gone. Didn't think much of it at the time, but the for the rest of the week when i went outside at similar times her car would not be there.

I knew something was up, but i didn't want to jump to any conclusions and i wasn't really sure if i cared. Then me and my friend started talking the one night, and he asked me if i thought she was [bleep]ing someone else. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going, but i mentioned to him that i noticed her car had been gone at night pretty much the entire week. Then he told me.... He said that he knows where she's been. And it was a mutual friend of ours. This friend never knew something was going on between her and I, so he was not at fault. At first i was kind of shocked. But at the same time i was not sure whether or not this news really bothered me at all.

 

I pretty much stopped talking to her altogether for a while. But the other day she was over at my house, helping my room mate with one of his flight plans. She walked past my room and i could smell her perfume as she passed. Later that day i spoke to her, and she ended up at my house later that night. Nothing happened though. It was getting really close to the point, but i faked getting a foot cramp (i know this sounds odd, but i get a lot of foot cramps [apparently it's an iron deficiency]) so i could sit up and get myself in a less comfortable position. I felt kind of weird about having sex with her, knowing that the night before she was at my friends house probably doing the same thing i was about to do. She left a shortly after, but told me she would be back (by that she meant another day). She asked to come over tonight, but i kind of told her I wasn't up for company. She said she would stop by tomorrow night, no questions asked.

 

I'm in a place right now where i would pretty much rip her clothes off before she's properly in the house. We seem to have great sexual chemistry. Sex is really good. But on the other hand i have an extreme emotional block right now. I mean, i don't like her/love her, but something seems very off. I don't know if i feel comfortable with what could be happening. A part of me wants to ask her why she has been away from home so often at night the past few days, or tell her that i know she's [bleep]ing another guy (she has no idea i know). But i don't know if it's a good idea. I just don't want her to think that i'm a fool, or anything like that. But i don't want to cause any unnecessary awkwardness.

I'm actually a bit confused right now.

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If she's sleeping around, it's a free for all. Unless either you or your friend actually want something serious, shes up for grabs. (not trying to label her like a piece of meat.... well actually I am)

Popoto.~<3

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If she's sleeping around, it's a free for all. Unless either you or your friend actually want something serious, shes up for grabs. (not trying to label her like a piece of meat.... well actually I am)

Aside from the meat comparison, I agree. If she is sleeping around, then you have a free pass to consider it nothing but sex and keep going, assuming all parties involved are on the same page (that is, assuming your friend knows as well). From what you said, she isn't after anything but fun, so it really comes down to doing what makes you happy. If you can still have fun with her, go for it. If it's not fun anymore, stop. Simple as that.

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Make sure your buddy has no feelings attatched and you're clear for take off Noxx. Girl sounds like she's living the epitome of Muggiw's lifestyle but in female form. (hot girl going to flight school sounds about as easy as a straight guy in a fashion university), Have fun dude.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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I can almost guarantee that if Noxx was still seeing multiple women, he wouldn't have felt the need to post that.

 

He's following the predictable pattern of sleeping with just one woman and then developing irrational neediness/territorialness afterwards. Which, inevitably, will repel this girl.

 

He also seems to have a bit of the irrational "Madonna-[bleep]" in him, judging by the fact that he felt uncomfortable knowing she probably just banged another dude before him.

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I wonder how many more dates I'd be able to schedule if I didn't value laughing at myself over scheduling dates.

 

Examples of girls going radio silent after my responses:

 

Me: What's the funnest thing you've done in the past 7 days?

Her: I accidentally walked into some guy's dorm room because I thought it was mine.

Me: ...was he hot???

 

Me: Have you been dating a lot or a little recently?

Her: I had a horrible date last week. I saw The Hobbit with some guy who kept trying to kiss me during the whole film.

Me: Hey it could've been worse. He could've cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and put your hand in the bag. That'd be awkward because, you know, all of the popcorn would spill everywhere and that stuff's expensive.

 

Me: What would you say your top two qualities are that have nothing to do with your looks?

Her: My sense of humor and ability to listen.

Me: Oh wow. Do you have perfect pitch???

 

:twss:

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hahaha you've been reading too many of aerendil's posts :P

 

Sadly my sense of humor's really sarcastic, ironic, and dry, so it's really hard to convey via text haha. It's even harder when she's never met me and can't tell that I'm trying to joke around :-|

 

I feel you on that one buddy.

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hahaha you've been reading too many of aerendil's posts :P

 

Sadly my sense of humor's really sarcastic, ironic, and dry, so it's really hard to convey via text haha. It's even harder when she's never met me and can't tell that I'm trying to joke around :-|

I thought they were all funny

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@muggiwhplar why not just put, "That was a joke btw" if she stops replying for a while

 

Well before I send them things like that, I'm almost positive that they're going to quit responding. And that just makes it even more amusing to me. :lol:

 

For better or for worse, this image more or less summarizes my attitude while dating:

 

[spoiler=Language]tgiveafuck3643.jpg

 

 

 

It's very hit-or-miss. Makes me happy either way. :)

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It's always difficult to convey sarcasm or irony without talking to someone in person, particularly if it's a first conversation. But the last one made me laugh in particular

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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I would have answered the same thing to #1.

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Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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Well let me clear some things up. The reason i asked what i asked earlier was simply because i've never really been in this situation before. True, i was seeing more than one girl at a time not long ago. But the reality of the matter is that they were never aware of it. I'm sure i've said this a few times, but girls here don't seem to want anything other than a long term relationship (something i can't offer them). The reasons i stopped seeing multiple girls are as follows:

 

1) I felt really bad about what i was doing. Although i never lied to any of them about my sex life, i was never fully honest. None of them ever asked me if i was seeing anyone else, they kind of just assumed i wasn't. So i never had to lie to them. But omission is betrayal, or so i believe. Especially in a relationship. So i decided that they actually do deserve better than someone that's betraying them every other day.

2) If i were to tell them about what was going on, and by god they actually accept it, it means that i would have to be okay with them hooking up with other guys. When it comes to girls, i'm extremely selfish and protective (jealous). I was never really sure how i would react if , say, i was to go out and see her and another guy. And i'm not really sure how or what i would think about them having sex. It's just weird. I know it's probably a small issue, but maybe i'm just not mature enough to deal with it yet.

 

So to clarify, i guess i stopped seeing other girls mostly because i was tired of lying to them, haha. We still see each other quite often, we still hang out, but there's pretty much nothing sexual going on unless red wine plays a role.

 

Now with the neighbor girl, a big reason for why i felt the way i did was based on my friends reaction. He was a bit disgusted that she could just hop from one guy to another so fast. And i kind of thought that to be the normal response. Like i said, i'm still not sure how i should feel about it. I mean right now, with the way my life is currently going, having someone across the road that can relieve my stress whenever i feel like is a great thing. The fact that some other guy is doing the same thing...eh i don't really think it will bother me too much as long as he doesn't talk about it and she doesn't talk about it haha. I doubt i'd want to hear about their sex life.

 

Best idea, next time it happens, i guess is just to not tell my friend about it?

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I understand. It's kind of a grey area as far as "omission of the truth" goes. I don't consider it lying, but I understand why it makes you uncomfortable. And I think the ends justify the means if omission of the truth makes both parties happier in the long run. I don't believe the same for lying, though. That's just a personal thing of mine. Again, if your beliefs/opinions on the matter are ultimately making you unhappy, then it would be a wise idea to reevaluate those beliefs. But if that's not the case, carry on. :)

 

As far as your hot neighbor goes, it's irrational to be uncomfortable with her sleeping with other guys. That's just your obsolete primitive biology talking. That being said, yes, it is the "normal" response. Furthermore, it's the socially acceptable response (unfortunately). But that's another topic :P

 

As long as she's not talking about other guys in graphic detail, I don't really see the issue. If she talks about it to you and it actually does bother you, just tell her you don't want to hear about it (and similarly, don't tell her about any of the girls you might see down the road). But I think it would be in your best interest to just accept the fact that she's seeing other guys and learn to be ok with it. You don't have to like it, but if you can just accept it, you'll be doing yourself a huge service down the road. Jealousy/neediness/territoriality/etc. is generally a threat to one's long-term happiness, regardless of if you're poly or mono.

 

But yeah it's probably not something you want to talk about w/ your friend if he's going to be "close-minded" about it. But if he's a really close friend of yours, then you might want to discuss it w/ him. Usually the closer a friend is to me, the more open they are to considering my opposing viewpoints.

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I don't think it even matters whether it's wrong to omit that you're sleeping with other people. You're uncomfortable with it; that's all you need to know, really. That being said, if seeing multiple girls is a good thing, it's pretty clear you threw the baby out with the bathwater on this honesty issue. There's also an argument to be made that you wouldn't feel jealous about your partners being polyamorous if you were too, but by now you already know it.

Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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muggiwhplar have you ever considered using the following approach wrt your dating profile openings???

 

3MuB6Cz.jpg

 

I think you should give it some serious thought.

 

Lol well response rates are irrelevant if they don't lead to dates :P

 

Principle 6 in How To Win Friends and Influence People:

  • Make the other person feel important--and do it sincerely.

 

That was actually the first self-help book I ever read. I took a Dale Carnegie leadership course when I was in high school after reading it. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is probably at the top of my list of favorite self help books. Should be required reading for anyone who's frequently stressed out or worrisome :thumbsup:

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@muggiwhplar why not just put, "That was a joke btw" if she stops replying for a while

 

Well before I send them things like that, I'm almost positive that they're going to quit responding. And that just makes it even more amusing to me. :lol:

 

For better or for worse, this image more or less summarizes my attitude while dating:

 

[spoiler=Language]tgiveafuck3643.jpg

 

 

 

It's very hit-or-miss. Makes me happy either way. :)

 

Your style of flirting seems to be catered to a "one size fits all" menatlity. You have to remember to consider most girls that online-date are shy and reserved in some sense or another. Such personality traits aren't often associated with people who encounter much dry/sarcastic humor in a flirting context and thus perceive you as either A) threatening or B) creepy (which after thinking about that sentence for a second aren't super different). I think it was you that had a theory on fear yielding attraction? But stalker fear isn't going to sweep the ladies off their feet like a bonafide bad boy.

 

As far as Noxx's situation goes Muggiw, do you ever find yourself conflicted in your rationality? I've encountered scenarios such as Noxx's current dilemna (sick of lying by omission, wasn't really happy with keep up an act) but whenever I think about it rationally, I logically see why people act the way they do, react the way they do and why they feel they do. But I somehow can't seem to derive happiness from such a "shallow" "relationship". Sure sex is a goal, intimacy is a goal, and chemistry is enjoyable. The more I type the more logic I see and I already feel I'm deriving the answer as "jealousy is obsolete, throw care to the wind to be free and happy" and yet the only way I ever manage to not get jealous is to not put any emotional investment in at all. So I suppose I just answered myself: Learn to be happy with out being emotionally engaged. Easier said than done I suppose. [hide=This is how my brain works: unfiltered]But there was a period in time when I was in the FWB stage with my ex and she was still regularly banging the guy she cheated on me with. I managed to some how live with that, so I suppose finding away around my emotional block to someone else shouldn't be that hard. I told her to never talk about him, and while it worked it left me in a weird predicament where anyone that brings him up ever ignites a little flame in my eyes, it's not as bad as it was. I was with his ex girlfriend last night and she was talking about him, and while I wanted to flat reject the conversation, I decided that it's about time I stop running from the emotional stab I get from his name and just let the conversation play out. I still kind of make that face that the kids at Hogwarts make when mentioning Voldemort, but it doesn't seem like as big a deal anymore. Not by any means. The context helps of course. I think what angers me most is when people speak of him with a smile on their face, knowing perfectly well the chaos he caused in so many people's lives (far from just my own, but he was arrested multiple times, admitted to a few psych wards, got expelled from a few schools and yada yada). But what I think really puts nails in my coffin about my situation with him was that I was actually really good friends with him before he started talking to my (at the time) girlfriend. I thought it was nice of him to pop up again (he had recently been allowed back in with his grandparents after being ejected from our town) and start catching up with me. Truly he just used me as an in to my girlfriend, but y'know. Not the point I'm making here. I'm trying to say I think I'm making some emotional progress about everything that's happened to me with my ex. I hate talking about her with my friends. I hate when people bring her up before me. I hate hearing my friend's name. And I REALLY hate the one story everyone in our town tells about how he was hospitalized for taking a hot sauce bath (which, in all fairness is hilarious the first time you hear it). But everything generally has been stinging less recently. I don't get flustered over anything anymore like I used to. I still get a flutter of rage and anxiety here and there pending context of certain conversations, but not even closed to how violent I used to feel. Maybe I can attribute it to my developing understanding of human behavior in relationships, to which I most highly credit this thread. Muggiwhplar gets a big shout out here, and so does the lovely IgoddessI and GingerWarrior. realistically I've come to the conclusion that hot girls bang mad dudes. I'm older now. I'm meeting new people. People that have met people. People that have been on their 3rd 4th or 15th major relationship. I can't have any expectation as to what scenario I'm about to walk into with a girl's sexual history. And thus I've detached value from sexual "deviancy" as some may call it. I don't assume anything, but I reserve 0 and I do mean 0 judgments on any girl's record on who she's slept with when and how many times. I prefer not to know, but if it's ever spelled out to me (which I do receive this info a lot, as a psych major it comes up often) I no longer care what the answer is. The problem is, there is still an association of virginity. I still can't sleep with a virgin. I won't. I can't. That and I still give a shit when my ex sleeps with someone knew. Which I don't even like feeling let alone admitting. I can't help but feel anger, and worse yet - anger at her for "stooping to their level". And I don't know why I feel like that everytime she hooks up with someone. Perhaps because I just valued her so highly I put everyone beneath her standards. But that's a whole different issue. I think I'm done rambling now for a bit. [/hide]

 

I like your rejection of social acceptability in favor of personal satisfaction. I admire it.

Quote

 

Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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He doesn't reject social responsibility (unless I misunderstand what you mean). He still thinks lying is a dealbreaker, for example. He just doesn't believe that his happiness is no less important than anyone else's. There's a difference between rejecting altruism and rejecting responsibility altogether.

Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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I was thinking about jealousy the other day... Ideally, your relationship(s) with women shouldn't be too different from your relationships with your close friends.

 

I remember when I was a kid, before I was interested in girls, I'd get jealous if my friends would hang out with other friends instead of me. But as I grew older, those irrational feelings of jealousy went away. Nowadays, when I'm with a close friend, I'm usually having a blast. When he leaves, I go back to whatever it is I'm doing, and I don't think about him at all until the next time I see him. I don't wonder, "Wonder what he's doing right now. Wonder if he's thinking about me. Wonder if he wants to hang out with me again sometime soon. Wonder if he'd rather hang out with our other mutual friend than hang out with me." And my friendships don't become any weaker by not having thoughts like that.

 

Ideally, your relationships with women should be the same way. When she's with you, you have the time of your life, but when she leaves, let her go and go back to doing what you enjoy. Don't think about her until the next time you're with her.

 

I think somewhere along the line, people quit considering friendships a legitimate form of validation and happiness, and instead place that responsibility entirely upon their significant others.

 

==========================

 

@Omar, I think Rpg was talking about social acceptability, not social responsibility. In other words, I'd rather be a happy oddball than an unhappy sheep. Many people value social norms and peer-acceptance over their own happiness. I don't.

 

As far as altruism goes, people tend to underestimate the power of happiness. Happy people are just "better" people (when compared to an unhappy version of themselves). When you're happy, you make the people around you happier. You want to give, rather than get. Compare this to people who are depressed who generally make those around them also feel depressed/cynical.

 

==========================

 

In other news, I watched this video in bed last night before I fell asleep. Thought it was really interesting.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBgcjtE0xrE

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