"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Ginger_Warrior]

Who exactly am I trying to troll here?

 

That's a very silly comment and I hope it's one you'll take back soon, out of common human decency if nothing else.

[RpgGamer]

I think this thread has evolved into a self contained psychology experiment, where we all kind of bounce our ideals off each other when we're not busy with the once-in-a-blue-moon new poster that hasn't heard the "lol you care too much, there's better things to do than fawn over that girl you like" response we always seem to conclude with. Thus, to progress the status of the ideology power struggle, we must identify why our opposers think what they do to understand them and potentially amend our own thinking. Its kind of why I get enjoyment in stirring things up

[Low Levelled]

Rpg.. that sounds.. scary accurate. I love all of you guys and wouldn't come back here if I didn't. Differences in thinking fascinate me.

[muggiwhplar]

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2014/02/25/x-essential-dating-tips-for-young-guys-i-wish-i-had-known/

[Noxx]

Okay so last night me and my girlfriend were talking (and talking, and talking...). We got onto the topic of weed. I explained to her how i have grown to dislike it, very much. I never had such a big issue with it, i even experimented with it myself at some point. When i moved to the US i stayed away from it completely, even though it was a lot easier to get a hold of there than it is here. I stayed away from it...i guess because it wasn't very appealing to me anymore.

When me and my girlfriend started dating the first time, bit over 4 years ago, i smoked quite regularly. She hated it and one day told me it bothered her. I stopped. I guess i wanted to be that "i'll do anything for you, babe" guy. I did smoke again after that, when i went to South Africa for a year. Actually, i smoked very regularly then. Few times a day. She knew about it, and disliked this even more. But i guess since i had nothing to do in SA, this was a good way for me to pass the time.

Anyway, so she went to the US 2 years ago (Cali) and started smoking there. And she became a big smoker. Everything on her FaceBook and Instagram was about smoking or getting high. At the time i didn't care because we weren't together and it had no impact on me. It annoyed me a bit, i must admit. Someone that had such a big issue with smoking now smoking more than i did "in my prime". 

 

So anyway, we talked about this. I told her how i felt about it, and i told her that this is the reason i haven't smoked in ~4 months. I used to moke maybe once every other week, with her and her friends, but that was really just because i didn't want to be the awkward sober guy in a room full of stoned people. I personally wouldn't have minded, but i knew it would have made all of them feel awkward.

So anyway i told her how i felt about it, and that i kind of lost interest in it. I told her that, really, i would prefer to have nothing to do with it. I don't really want to be in the same room when they smoke. I would much rather excuse myself and occupy my time, for the rest of the night, with something else. Furthermore i explained to her how i felt about her interest in weed. The fact that even now, anything she comments on or likes on Instagram is about weed. I don't mind people who do that, but people who used to despise it like she did, and now acts even worse than i did...that bothers me. More-so if she's my girlfriend. I know that sounds kind of silly, even saying it i find it silly myself. But it is what it is.

 

So after i told her this she obviously asked my why i felt this way, and i tried explaining this too. I told her that i didn't like it when she smoked because it changed her. She became someone she wasn't. Whether it makes her more relaxed or more hyper, it's still a change. It's not the person i "fell in love with", so to speak. You become attracted to a person because of their sober habits and sober personality. When she smokes, all of that changes and i might as well be with a stranger. Again, i know this sounds silly, but i'm sure it makes a tiny bit of sense. I told her that i felt "cheated" in a way. She still gets to spend time with me when she's high, but i spend time with someone else. 

 

So after a long talk she asked me what i wanted her to do about this. I told her that the choice is really hers, but i don't really want any part of the smoking. If she wishes to still smoke, she can do so with her friends. If her friends want to smoke while i'm there, i'll leave. I don't want to talk about smoking, hear about it, see it, smell it, have any part of it. I'm not being mean or harsh, but something as stupid as smoking is not worth the risk it carries. 

Obviously her response to this is that i was being ridiculous, "weed isn't even a drug". Okay, that's her opinion. She tried defending weed, and her use of it. I found it kind of funny. I told her that she was addicted to smoking, because she was doing her best to defend it and prove how she can quit if she wanted to, and it's nothing serious "it's just weed", etc. I found it hilarious when she said it wasn't addictive. Sure, it might not contain any addictive substances, but it's still very much addictive. As is anything in this world. You might not get addicted to the "drug" itself, but you sure as hell get addicted to the feeling it brings you. 

 

So... i told her how i felt. i told her i disliked it, and why i disliked it. I told her i disliked her smoking, and why i disliked her smoking. I told her she could continue smoking if she wanted too, but that i wanted no part of it.

 

Now i really just want to know if i am being unreasonable?

Am i unreasonable for saying i'd rather be kept out of it? 

Am i unreasonable for telling her i disliked her smoking?

 

Also, to clarify: The reason i hate smoking so much here is because it's the middle east. If you get caught with even half a gram on you, you go to jail. You're not just going to sit in jail and stew for a few days, no. You'r going to be taken to a small, soundproof room, they're going to sit you on a nice wooden chair and they're going to ask you a few questions. If you don't give them the answers they want, they're going to start beating you. And they will not stop until you talk, or end up in ICU. I know this because 3 of my friends spent a week in ICU (on 3 seperate occasions) because they were caught with possession (actually, one of them was just in the same room as people smoking, he didn't even smoke anything himself).

That is exactly the reason i do not want to be involved in any way. Especially not with my girlfriend's friends. They have a major problem with being discreet.

[muggiwhplar]

It's perfectly reasonable to quit hanging out with her while she's stoned or w/ her friends. There's no need to get in such a huge argument about it though. Lots of unnecessary drama.

[Giordano]

You're completely in the right Noxx. You don't approve of smoking and you're not being authoritarian in forcing her to stop, but you won't be a part of it.

 

If I had a girlfriend who smoked that's what I would of done.

 

That said, I do like your reasoning for being against smoking. Government would [bleep]. You. Up.

 

 

 There's no need to get in such a huge argument about it though. Lots of unnecessary drama.

 

I wouldn't call this drama, though...nor an argument. Noxx cares about her and doesn't want to go to jail for it. He has to tell her about how he feels, also to make it clear he's not going to go riding in and saving her if she ever does get in trouble.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Her response was essentially to dismiss your point of view as somehow not mattering to the point of being insignificant ("It's not a big deal"). She didn't really consider your perspective at any point or how it made you feel. It is an unreasonable position, yes, but that's her fault because she's refusing to listen to you. Not the other way round.

 

I don't really see it as drama to tell your partner if something they're doing is making you uncomfortable. In fact I'd go as far to suggest that *not* talking about it creates the opportunity for drama down the line. You're not really dealing with the problem so much as kicking it into the long grass.

[RpgGamer]

I'd have done exactly as you have Noxx. In a good way.

[Randox]

Same here, I think you handled it well. You've been upfront about how you feel about it and how you plan to deal with it in the future. I don't think your being unreasonable about how your view or how you plan to deal with her smoking in the future (going someplace else).

 

And yeah, weed isn't exactly a subtle drug to begin with (that horrible smell).

[RpgGamer]

The worst side effect about smoking marijuana is not shutting the [bleep] up about smoking marijuana

[obfuscator]

That(breaking up) should definitely be an option. Depends how strongly he feels about it. I'd say it's not worth bringing up though unless he feels that he might break up over it.

[Noxx]

Breaking up is a bit drastic, haha. Talk about causing unnecessary drama. I mean, if we was smoking ever day, walking around telling everyone, and doing it in public...it would be a different matter. She knows how to be discrete about it. It's just her friends that don't. They usually buy the stuff, and they have no issue buying it from dodgy people. That's kind of what bothers me. One of her friends though, is really paranoid and she is extremely cautious about it. So that, to some degree, puts my mind slightly at ease. But yeah, i'm happy to know that i didn't over react. She also apologized for her "reaction" to what i told her. Told me that i had every right to feel the way i did, etc. She said she'll see what she can do about the smoking. Truth be told, she's only smoked 2 or 3 times since New Years. It used to be a lot more before then, cause like i mentioned, i smoked with her now and then.

 

Anyway, on a different note...it finally happened. I was at her house this afternoon and her dad walking in on us. So much awkward.

[obfuscator]

Why is that a bit drastic? A drug habit is a drastic thing....if my girlfriend developed a drug habit I'd break up with her and not think twice about it.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Good for you. We're not all you though.

 

If Noxx isn't that bothered about the drug taking itself, just so long as she doesn't do it around her, and she's alright with that arrangement, where's the need to break up with her?

[Noxx]

Why is that a bit drastic? A drug habit is a drastic thing....if my girlfriend developed a drug habit I'd break up with her and not think twice about it.

So you wouldn't talk to her about it? You wouldn't as her why she's developed this habit? Or tell her you're unhappy about it? You would just pack up and leave?

Again, like i said, that's a bit drastic.

 

Back in 2010 a close friend of mine started experimenting with drugs. Not just weed, but coke, pills, and just about everything apart from Meth and H. I told him one day that he's ruining himself and that i don't approve of his "choice of lifestyle". Not that i felt my approval is something he needed, but from one friend to another i felt like i had the right to say this. He started telling me why he was using drugs, and me and his family helped him through this. 2 years later he told me that had i not confronted him about this, he would have probably ended up ODing in his apartment.

 

I don't want any form of praise for this, i'm simply saying this because usually there's a reason people resort to drugs. And if you're able to just turn your back on someone "and not think twice about it" then the real question is - Why were you in this relationship in the first place? 

[muggiwhplar]

I don't think obfuscator was trying to say that he wouldn't discuss it first

[The_Gabe]

Breaking up is a bit drastic, haha. Talk about causing unnecessary drama. I mean, if we was smoking ever day, walking around telling everyone, and doing it in public...it would be a different matter. She knows how to be discrete about it. It's just her friends that don't. They usually buy the stuff, and they have no issue buying it from dodgy people. That's kind of what bothers me. One of her friends though, is really paranoid and she is extremely cautious about it. So that, to some degree, puts my mind slightly at ease. But yeah, i'm happy to know that i didn't over react. She also apologized for her "reaction" to what i told her. Told me that i had every right to feel the way i did, etc. She said she'll see what she can do about the smoking. Truth be told, she's only smoked 2 or 3 times since New Years. It used to be a lot more before then, cause like i mentioned, i smoked with her now and then.

 

Anyway, on a different note...it finally happened. I was at her house this afternoon and her dad walking in on us. So much awkward.

 

You have to remember that break up is the advice given for every situation in this thread.

[Low Levelled]

 

 

Breaking up is a bit drastic, haha. Talk about causing unnecessary drama. I mean, if we was smoking ever day, walking around telling everyone, and doing it in public...it would be a different matter. She knows how to be discrete about it. It's just her friends that don't. They usually buy the stuff, and they have no issue buying it from dodgy people. That's kind of what bothers me. One of her friends though, is really paranoid and she is extremely cautious about it. So that, to some degree, puts my mind slightly at ease. But yeah, i'm happy to know that i didn't over react. She also apologized for her "reaction" to what i told her. Told me that i had every right to feel the way i did, etc. She said she'll see what she can do about the smoking. Truth be told, she's only smoked 2 or 3 times since New Years. It used to be a lot more before then, cause like i mentioned, i smoked with her now and then.

 

Anyway, on a different note...it finally happened. I was at her house this afternoon and her dad walking in on us. So much awkward.

You have to remember that break up is the advice given for every situation in this thread.

Troof

[RpgGamer]

One of my best friends started doing coke this year. Even though last year he was mad upset at me for trying it once. I confronted him about it, as hes also dropped out of college this year and basically I told him "I'm not your dad and ultimately it's your body to ruin, but youre being an idiot. Use your money on something productive". He comes from a rather poor family and often struggles with money. I hope it gets through to him like it did your friend, Noxx

[Ginger_Warrior]

"The cost of something is what you have to give up in order to obtain it"

 

In your friend's case, Rpg, giving up a college education and the improved life opportunities that go with it is an incredibly high price. I hope he realises sooner rather than later that it's an excessive price too, all things considered.

[obfuscator]

I don't think obfuscator was trying to say that he wouldn't discuss it first

having a drug habit is indicative of much larger maturity issues too. But if I were to date someone who developed a drug habit while we were dating, that would have to be after they decided to do so despite knowing exactly how I felt about it and how I would react if they did so...hence breaking up.

[Ginger_Warrior]

So only immature people have drug habits...?

[obfuscator]

So only immature people have drug habits...?

for the most part, yeah. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but the vast majority of my peers who had drug habits had serious issues in their personal lives in addition to their drug habits.

[RpgGamer]

I'd think its fair to say most get into casual drug use when their lives are unsatisfying (immature in the sense its an escape from productivity)