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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


19683 replies to this topic

#81
magekillr
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My problem is inviting her to go out with me. How can I avoid it sounding like a date? It's worse 'cause we have no real common friends. That's where I feel I'm "stuck".




what's it matter? if you do what me and Goddess said she won't be attracted to you sexually anyway.

#82
IGoddessI
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I broke it off with my partner for good.



He has too many issues and he refuses to talk about them with me.



I can't have conversations with him, because I do all the talking and he doesn't know what to say.



He can't tell me about his feelings, what's going on in his life, why he's upset, what's bothering him.



He runs away everytime it comes down to talking.



The other reason I'm leaving is because he wants to go back to the army. I can't stand being up to 2 years away from my partner, especially when I'm ready to have a family soon.



He has lied to me so many times and I've always turned a blind eye to it but I can't do it anymore.



4 years of trying to get him to open up and talk to me, even with a degree up your sleeve you can't make someone talk who doesn't want to talk.



I stayed by his side when he told me he couldn't have children and said we could adopt, stayed by his side even after the compulsive lying, picked up the broken pieces when he got thrown out the army.



I just can't be with someone who says they can't open up to me because everyone has hurt him and he doesn't know how (my stance, is get over it or one day you'll miss the best thing that's ever happened to you).



End of my rant... This is going to absolutely kill me, especially because I know this chick is coming down from Cairns to see him. He told her to piss off because he was with me but now I know they're going to see each other.....



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is going to be the most hurtful break up I've had so far.



I love him soooooooo much but after 4 years, we can't even talk to each other and it is really damaging our relationship. I can't marry someone and have kids to someone I can't talk to. When your kids move out and you're old and grey, conversation skills are going to be needed more than ever.



My heart feels like it's been stabbed :cry: I know we both love each other more than anything but I can't be with someone who doesn't know how to communicate.



He makes me feel safe and I have faith in him and I'll always be there for him if he needs me in the future. I do love him with all my heart but I can't do it anymore, he's not my soul mate.
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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

#83
Futurama
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That sucks IGoddessI, but it really sounds like it was for the best. If after 4 years he can't talk to you about how he feels then there's something drastically wrong, you're right in saying communication is the key and whilst you might not find a bloke who wears his heart on his sleeve, you can at least find someone willing to talk about their problems at least to the point where you know what they are so they can fix them. It's bound to hurt now and that's totally natural, but you'll meet someone later in life who really suits you and is everything you want.

Admitting it is hard, no denying that, but this is the first step to real happiness, not the kind where you're secretly disappointed but have built too much of a life to say anything.

Lying is something you should never tolerate. Said it before and i'll say it again, honesty and trust is the key. It's hard now but you can't beat yourself up about it, you deserve to find the one, not a second best.

We're here for you with friendly advice or if you just fancy a cheer up chat, and i'm sure you've got friends and family who are too :)
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#84
guthix121
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I agree with Futurama, IGoddessI. Of course it will be very painful. But I think it's better to get over your relationship now before something even worse happens and you feel even worse later.

#85
IGoddessI
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Yeah I know I have to let go because when 1 thing starts another takes its place.



(Has unforunately been in an abusive relationship when I was younger). It's very easy to admire someone so much that you refuse to see their faults for a very long time and tolerate it when you shouldn't.



I know that the yelling turns to being put down, which turns in to name calling, which turns in to control, which turns in to forcing, which turns in to pushing, which turns in to shoving, which turns in to punching and hitting and unfortunately sometimes even death.



Been there done that.



I know this relationship is always going to be filled with 0 emotion and him being completely selfish of his own needs before doing things together as a team. He will always shut down when it comes to talking about his feelings and what's going on and unfortunately if he wants to miss the best thing that's ever come in to his life and would be there no matter what, that's his loss. I'd never do anything to hurt him, I wanted to marry him and have his children. He missed out on that because he was too afraid to let someone in to his life again. He'll probably regret it for the rest of his life when he realises it.



I know there is always someone better, it's just hard. I will need to talk about it for a while before any healing can take place.



I'll get up and get over it, I might be a softy in the heart but I'm a tough [bleep] in the mind :) I don't let anything get me down for longer than it has to.



I'll just keep myself busy for a while with exercise, friends and chasing the job I'm after at the moment.



I'm going for a job at the juvenile detention centre; I'm going to attempt to help kids make the right choice, before they end up ruining their lives or even going to jail.



Attempt to heal their negativity on the inside and give them hope and the praise they're not receiving at home with their family. That there are people who won't give up on them.



I'll have to tell you how my interview goes with the managers :)



I can't have kids so this is my way of dealing with it. Those kids in the juvenile centre will be the kids I care about and try to raise positively back in to the community.
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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

#86
RpgGamer
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I broke it off with my partner for good.



He has too many issues and he refuses to talk about them with me.



I can't have conversations with him, because I do all the talking and he doesn't know what to say.



He can't tell me about his feelings, what's going on in his life, why he's upset, what's bothering him.



He runs away everytime it comes down to talking.



The other reason I'm leaving is because he wants to go back to the army. I can't stand being up to 2 years away from my partner, especially when I'm ready to have a family soon.



He has lied to me so many times and I've always turned a blind eye to it but I can't do it anymore.



4 years of trying to get him to open up and talk to me, even with a degree up your sleeve you can't make someone talk who doesn't want to talk.



I stayed by his side when he told me he couldn't have children and said we could adopt, stayed by his side even after the compulsive lying, picked up the broken pieces when he got thrown out the army.



I just can't be with someone who says they can't open up to me because everyone has hurt him and he doesn't know how (my stance, is get over it or one day you'll miss the best thing that's ever happened to you).



End of my rant... This is going to absolutely kill me, especially because I know this chick is coming down from Cairns to see him. He told her to piss off because he was with me but now I know they're going to see each other.....



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is going to be the most hurtful break up I've had so far.



I love him soooooooo much but after 4 years, we can't even talk to each other and it is really damaging our relationship. I can't marry someone and have kids to someone I can't talk to. When your kids move out and you're old and grey, conversation skills are going to be needed more than ever.



My heart feels like it's been stabbed :cry: I know we both love each other more than anything but I can't be with someone who doesn't know how to communicate.



He makes me feel safe and I have faith in him and I'll always be there for him if he needs me in the future. I do love him with all my heart but I can't do it anymore, he's not my soul mate.




0.0

wow, i never thought I'd see the day. I can't believe you're dumping him, you seemed so into him, so much so that I actually knew how much you loved him before you even said so in this post (you had a habit of bringing him up in other OffTopic threads). Can't believe after 4 years you're just gonna end it. If you feel it isn't right, by all means don't let me stop you, but personaly i think the only thing more important than communication in a relationship is dedication.



If you find a way to cope with the iminiant pain, would you mind telling the rest of us? I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who would love to know.



i wish you luck with your future relationships. And although I doubt you'll need it, if you need any help or whatever we're all here for you. Hell, as this thread proves you've been there for everyone else.
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Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#87
IGoddessI
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It's too painful mate.



You don't know how hard it is for someone to tell you they're angry or upset and never tell you why or what you can do to help them.



That they've smashed their phone against a brick wall and won't tell you who has hurt their feelings.



When he says things are wrong at home and won't tell you what is happening there, or who has said what, or done anything.



When you sit there and tell him how you feel about everything and he turns around and always says "I don't know what to say"



or if I ask him how he feels about something "I don't know"



He lies all the time to protect other people from getting hurt but doesn't see he actually hurts them more by lying than telling the truth.



It's too painful to continue. He used to let me in a tiny bit but now it's nothing. I have never hurt him in any way and I don't know why he won't talk to me.



He won't talk to anyone :(



He says he will try and it just takes time. I've given him 4 years to try but he hasn't even attempted. I know it is hard but it's been so long and have seen 0 effort.



I do love him with everything I have but sometimes when you love someone the best thing to do is to let them go. If they love you too, they'll come back to you.



This I know... I got rid of someone very dear to me and I regretted it. I searched the world for 5 years but I still found him in Florida.
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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

#88
Powman3
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I'm sorry Goddess. Time heals, don't forget that.



When I realized that I couldn't get the girl of my dreams two years ago, I was somewhat depressed. I started failing school, my parents kept on grounding me. My addiction to RuneScape destroyed my relationships. When I was grounded I had withdrawals, it was terrible. I actually had thoughts of suicide and owned a pocketknife which was located on my desk in the room where I went crazy. Yeah, I am glad I didn't destroy myself. I have become a better person, people like me better, and it's safe to say I may have found the girl of my dreams.



I know all my hard times are NOTHING to what you're going through, but you're strong. You can get through this.

#89
IGoddessI
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I know all my hard times are NOTHING to what you're going through




Don't say that babe I'm not better than you or more of a person than you. No one can say truly how an individual feels and I'm sure we felt equally as hurt. It's a good thing you've become a better person, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

#90
Ginger_Warrior
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It's too painful mate.



You don't know how hard it is for someone to tell you they're angry or upset and never tell you why or what you can do to help them.


That quote is too true. And you're right when you say that attitude is selfish. They're expecting you to be there for them and recognise when you need emotional support, when the truth of the matter is they do everything possible to block you from providing that supoort. They so vehemently protect you from knowing their true feelings, it becomes a form of aggression in itself and it's very hurting when you know someone you care about can't open up or trust you.



I think you might be overthinking this a bit though. From the sounds of things he's a fairly introverted person who likes his own indepedence. People like that tend to block out what they feel in order to just carry on with life uninterupted; they just can't do proactiveness because they can't deal with the anxiety that goes with it. Talking to them about anything regarding personal issues is like trying to draw blood from a stone. And for people on the other side, that is quite selfish because it's almost like, "I'm trying to help you and care for you, but you're so selfish you can't even deal with your own anxiety so we can actualy be together". If that's too much for you to bare, you did the right thing Goddess. I know my own insecurities would start going into overdrive when someone who's supposedly close to me refuses to talk about the situation between me and them (looks at past seven months...).



I know it's a cliché but give him some time. Maybe he just needs time to explore what he's actually feeling, and the real fact of the matter is that he can't articulate his emotions, rather that he won't do it. If he wants to work things out and be close, then he'll talk to one of his mates about it or even try approaching you himself. I think we both know that if it was him that was so closed up in the first place, he has to be the one to open up again first. :wink:

#91
magekillr
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i'm with Ginger on this one

#92
IGoddessI
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lol it's only been 24 hours and he turned up to my house at 7am this morning to apologise with flowers and he even bought me breakfast in bed (mc donalds).



I told him when he's ready to open up to me and talk to me about things I'll be here but I can't guarantee it will be for as long as he wants.



He reckons he's going to try his hardest to prove it to me, so we'll see. Until I see an improvement I'm not going back there.



Even if he does improve, he can wait a good 2 or 3 weeks at least to give him a good scare that I'm not joking around this time, I mean it.
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The only people who tell you that you can't do something are those who have already given up on their own dreams so feel the need to discourage yours.

#93
Powman3
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^ Awesome.

#94
guthix121
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He reckons he's going to try his hardest to prove it to me, so we'll see. Until I see an improvement I'm not going back there.



Even if he does improve, he can wait a good 2 or 3 weeks at least to give him a good scare that I'm not joking around this time, I mean it.




Good for you. Don't get back right away if you don't know how much you can rely on him.

#95
Powman3
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My friend got me confused to who I'm really attracted to. He brought up Gussy's twin sister... now I'm honestly confused. I'm attracted to both of them... so, I thought I had the girl of my dreams.

#96
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Get to know them both then choose. Don't rely on the looks.



Choose is somewhat a hard word in situations like these.

#97
Lenin64
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To the guy asking how not to get a girlfriend: Ask her a bunch of questions about her menstrual cycle. Believe me, it works.
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#98
deloriagod
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My friend got me confused to who I'm really attracted to. He brought up Gussy's twin sister... now I'm honestly confused. I'm attracted to both of them... so, I thought I had the girl of my dreams.




Phsyical attraction is easy to have. Get to know both of them, see how things go and then decide which one you're more attracted to. I'm not sure how old you are Pow, but don't count on the finding the girl of your dreams just yet. You'll probably be with quite a few girls before you find the right one ;)

#99
Powman3
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^ I'm 14. And it's not physical attraction. It's their personality too.

#100
Sumpta
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lol it's only been 24 hours and he turned up to my house at 7am this morning to apologise with flowers and he even bought me breakfast in bed (mc donalds).



I told him when he's ready to open up to me and talk to me about things I'll be here but I can't guarantee it will be for as long as he wants.



He reckons he's going to try his hardest to prove it to me, so we'll see. Until I see an improvement I'm not going back there.



Even if he does improve, he can wait a good 2 or 3 weeks at least to give him a good scare that I'm not joking around this time, I mean it.




Well, not to play IGoddessI to you, but don't let yourself be dragged in an endless game of yo-yo. You deserve happiness, you deserve respect. It seems the problems with you two have been going on for sooo long now. In your place, I'd really ask myself this: will things really ever change? And if they don't, can you live with that? Obviously, you both love each other a lot, but is it enough? Be honest with yourself now and come to good conclusions that can result in a clean new (re)start. If not, all the pain now will once again have been for nothing.



Sorry if I'm preaching. I'm good at preaching, slightly worse at being wise in matters of my own heart.




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