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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


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19749 replies to this topic

#19661
Veiva
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didn't you see she thought I was gay and she was a lesbian


Yes-- if she thought you wanted to sleep with her, don't you think she'd be less likely to think you're gay?


But I didn't want to sleep with her.

Thinking of women in terms of "would I have sex with her" really grosses me out.

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#19662
muggiwhplar
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I’m confused. Why were you pursuing her and trying to flirt with her?

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#19663
Veiva
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I thought she was cute and she was fun to hang out with so I wanted to go on a date and see where it went.

you are aware there's more to relationships than sex right

If I wanted sex I'd just open up Grindr

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#19664
muggiwhplar
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I thought she was cute and she was fun to hang out with so I wanted to go on a date and see where it went.

you are aware there's more to relationships than sex right

If I wanted sex I'd just open up Grindr

I was under the impression that you're not asexual and that you were getting frustrated at your lack of sex/intimacy with women. And if you're not giving off any sort of sexual vibe around women, most of them will assume you just want to be platonic friends (even if you wanted a relationship). 


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#19665
Veiva
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I was under the impression that you're not asexual


I'm not. I just don't prioritize sex in relationships over other things.

Sex/sexual attraction is like 4th if I'm being honest. Yes, it's important, but I literally wouldn't go past the first date if I find the other things aren't there.

The three things I value above sex (not in any order): political/social/moral/religious views aligned; we have some shared hobbies; intelligence and ambition.

There's only one person I dated that hit all four, but he didn't feel the same. And that's been nagging at me for a year now.
 

and that you were getting frustrated at your lack of sex/intimacy with women.


1. I'm frustrated about my lack of success with either gender. I've been on dates with women (60/40 men/women generally), but it's really been no different than my dates with men.

2. I'm frustrated that I'm not masculine or androgynous. (This is sort of related). I hate how I look but my desired image (120 lbs scrawny effeminate person) is unhealthy, and I hate the idea of looking masculine. But objectively I look better when I present masculine which I hate.

3. Your description is wrong and makes me sound like I'm an incel.

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#19666
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It's good that you value other things above sex, but when you're dating someone, they need to know you're attracted to them or it'll just feel like an awkward friendship



#19667
Ring_World
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value sex higher

 

you'll get closer with people your less compatible with and it will be okay



#19668
Veiva
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no

It's good that you value other things above sex, but when you're dating someone, they need to know you're attracted to them or it'll just feel like an awkward friendship


But surely there's other ways than touching?

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#19669
muggiwhplar
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no

It's good that you value other things above sex, but when you're dating someone, they need to know you're attracted to them or it'll just feel like an awkward friendship

But surely there's other ways than touching?
I think the only other way is simply being verbally upfront/direct, which is generally more difficult and less effective.

Why are you so averse to masculinity?

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#19670
Veiva
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no
 

It's good that you value other things above sex, but when you're dating someone, they need to know you're attracted to them or it'll just feel like an awkward friendship

But surely there's other ways than touching?

 

I think the only other way is simply being verbally upfront/direct, which is generally more difficult and less effective.

Why are you so averse to masculinity?

 


I'm non-binary. I don't identify as male. Conversely I don't identify as female, and don't want to appear as female, either; hence being androgynous my desire, even if it's not possible. It's a minor case of gender dysphoria I suppose. I really don't expect someone whose cis-gendered to fully understand because even I don't fully understand why I feel this way.

I'm always going to be unhappy with how I look so I might as well as present masculine (and I do look better when I present masculine, from a third-person sort of way; I personally hate it). Like when I'm depressed I think I might as well do something and be productive since I'll be depressed anyway. And lately I've been /very depressed/, but I'm still acing school and the best programmer at my job and working on my game and ...


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#19671
Veiva
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I'm trying to get a hold of someone I knew (we'll call him K1), and have gotten a hold of someone I know (ex-coworker from my new job), for advice re: gender dysphoria. I didn't expect K1 to respond to my initial text but he did (we dated in the past), so I'm hoping he gets back to my actual question.

 

I see my therapist and I'll bring it up again. We only briefly talked about it in the past, when it was only a minor problem.

 

edit: also sorry if I sounded confrontational recently I've been a in a bad place with depression for some reason. I don't get why I have these slow mood swings (basically 3-4 weeks long)--it's not a symptom of schizophrenia, but delusions/hallucinations aren't a symptom of bipolar either. Seems like I've hit a manic spot right now, but it could be a temporary blip in the depression. Who knows.

 

(Secretly I love the mania if it doesn't come with depression or other negative emotions; I get so much done in those few weeks it's insane.)


Edited by Veiva, 07 February 2019 - 02:26 AM.

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#19672
Veiva
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t-t-t-t-t-t-t-triple post

 

@re: gender dysphoria, I've been talking with friends/friends-of-friends/therapist about it and am framing it as "I can look good in girls or guys clothes, it doesn't matter how my body looks" which helps a lot. For example, a classmate Wednesday said I "always dress sharp" while wearing some women's clothing and last night at Jacks Tap I got a bunch of compliments from guys and girls about my outfit. One of my close friends says it gives me an indie rock look:

 

 

Then there's the times I can pull of masculine really well (which is something I want, but not all the time). So it's good as long as I keep framing it that way.


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#19673
Veiva
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q-q-q-quad post.

 

I'm working on a Tinder profile (yes, I'm not buff yet and I'll probably be disappointed again but I'm persistent).

I'll be getting photos this weekend.

I have a general idea for excerpts of the bio:

1. Discovered a new band and saw them live by the end of the week in DC.
2. Getting a selfie with a wild penguin is my life goal.

I wish dark humor were okay then I'd have something like:

3. Like Batman, I don't have to worry about disappointing my parents.

 

MOD_RPG said #1 is bad, #2 is ok. I had an idea for one about rollercoasters but agree it's bad so I axed it. (The picture of me in front of The Hulk should be good enough).

For my Tinder profile I'm trying to do a "show things I've done that detail important traits about me." For example, the band one shows 1. I like music 2. I can be spontaneous 3. I like traveling (or at least gives an indication those are true). The penguin one is a bit of a joke (narrator: it's really not) that shows I like animals and like traveling.

 

Any ideas?


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#19674
muggiwhplar
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just worry about having the most attractive photos as possible. unlike match/pof/okc, your profile description doesn't really matter on tinder. my tinder description just says "if anyone asks, we'll tell them we met on bumble"


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#19675
muggiwhplar
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also you'll know your pics are good when you get consistent matches. I was only getting like 1 match per week when I had shitty photos, now it's up to 3-5 per day depending on how much I'm swiping.

 

you will probably need to go out of your way to get good photos. you need to pick the correct outfit, the correct lighting/location, the correct filters, etc. my main pic, which really skyrocketed my results, is a closeup shot of me wearing a tux. my brother took a pic of me just standing against a wall in my bedroom, with the correct lighting, and we were joking around and one of the pics he took was while I was genuinely laughing. that pic ended up getting the best results for me. I also made the pic black and white since it looks better and makes it less obvious that I'm just standing against my bedroom wall.

 

IMO it's sort of a waste of time to ask us for our opinions on your photos when you could just plug them into tinder and see if they're actually good or not. also, don't use tinder's smart photos feature.

 

http://personaldatin...inder-pictures/


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#19676
RpgGamer
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Lol I'm now imagining a girl coming to your room and being confused as to why it looks familiar
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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#19677
obfuscator
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Lol I'm now imagining a girl coming to your room and being confused as to why it looks familiar


that's one of his key strategies

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#19678
Estonian dude
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Magic, worked for past 2 weekends -

You don't give a flying [bleep] about the girls...
Granted, you probably also have to be hot. Which I am not.

But hot bloosy damn, both weekends in the end girls started making [bleep]ing circles around me. If that isn't a signal, I don't know what is.
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#19679
Veiva
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This isn't so much asking for advice as it is an update of sorts.

 

So I went on a date Sunday with a smart, interesting, motivated, and beautiful girl. She's the only one besides K1 (a guy I dated in April/May of last year) I've felt anything for. The downside is she lives about 5 hours away. We both have good careers and similar educational backgrounds (she has a BS in CS).

 

I'm planning on telling her I'll be visiting Six Flags and am wondering if she'd like to come along. She goes to Six Flags a lot and likes rollercoasters/thrill rides so I think it's a good potential second date IMO.

 

So we'll see... She could ghost me in the mean time or simply not be interested, but who knows. I'm trying to stay on the side of cautious optimism.

 

If it doesn't work out well I'll keep going to the gym and be in Raleigh next year so [bleep] it lol.


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#19680
Goonstalf
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6 flags is a lot of fun, i like funel cakse


I'm going to milk Goon's teats





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