"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

This is part of why I don't like asking for help online. The vast majority of people have no clue what it's like to be depressed. I could go on about this, but I feel like I'd be derailing the thread even more (I do appreciate you trying to help, though, Tim).

 

If I don't like myself, I can't get a girlfriend, right? I don't like myself because I'm not good at anything. I'm not good at anything because of reasons I can't control (genetics, lack of chemical waste to give me superpowers, but mostly genetics). Should I just give up, or should I pray for a meteor with martian bacteria to crash into my room and give me superpowers? I'm going to see the new therapist, but there's no way he can change the fact that I'm below-average in everything.

 

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2013/03/10/making-excuses-or-overcoming-your-personal-shortcomings/

 

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2014/09/25/even-homeless-guys-get-laid-but-this-is-still-not-what-you-want/

 

tl;dr everything in life-- both your successes and your failures-- are entirely your fault. The sooner you adapt that mentality, the sooner you will be happy and successful. But as long as you continue to believe that everything in life is beyond your control and everyone else's fault, you're doomed to remain depressed.

[muggiwhplar]

Also: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bouncing-back/201106/the-no-1-contributor-happiness
 

Luckily, unlike a mouse, you as a human have that terrific homo sapien perk called "consciousness." Meaning? You know better not to give up, even after your autonomy has been temporarily challenged. You know after a difficult time, you can take back the control you have over your life!

How to begin? Psychologists suggest if you want to resiliently bounce back after a sideswiping, that you slowly increase your "internal locus of control" - the power you have to make easy, small changes. Studies even show that all you have to do is take control of a few small actions - and you'll be on your way to feeling like the master of your destiny once again.

Here's A Quick Happy Example Of Increased Happiness Due To Increased Internal Locus of Control: Yale psychologist Judith Rodin encouraged depressed nursing-home patients to exert more control in their lives, by motivating them to make a few small but key changes in their environments. For example Rodin made sure patients were asked to decide for themselves if they wanted the air conditioning on or off, if they'd like to change the channels on the TV, or if they'd like to have different foods for dinner, or if they'd like to re-arrange the furniture in their rooms. Plus Rodin pushed patients to request changes in various nursing home policies - which they subsequently received. As a result, 93% of these patients became more alert, active, and happy. Similarly upbeat results where shown in prisoners who were allowed to move chairs and take control over lights and TV remotes.

[Bonez899]

 

This is part of why I don't like asking for help online. The vast majority of people have no clue what it's like to be depressed. I could go on about this, but I feel like I'd be derailing the thread even more (I do appreciate you trying to help, though, Tim).

 

If I don't like myself, I can't get a girlfriend, right? I don't like myself because I'm not good at anything. I'm not good at anything because of reasons I can't control (genetics, lack of chemical waste to give me superpowers, but mostly genetics). Should I just give up, or should I pray for a meteor with martian bacteria to crash into my room and give me superpowers? I'm going to see the new therapist, but there's no way he can change the fact that I'm below-average in everything.

 

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2013/03/10/making-excuses-or-overcoming-your-personal-shortcomings/

 

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2014/09/25/even-homeless-guys-get-laid-but-this-is-still-not-what-you-want/

 

tl;dr everything in life-- both your successes and your failures-- are entirely your fault. The sooner you adapt that mentality, the sooner you will be happy and successful. But as long as you continue to believe that everything in life is beyond your control and everyone else's fault, you're doomed to remain depressed.

 

 

 

 

Also: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bouncing-back/201106/the-no-1-contributor-happiness

 

 

Luckily, unlike a mouse, you as a human have that terrific homo sapien perk called "consciousness." Meaning? You know better not to give up, even after your autonomy has been temporarily challenged. You know after a difficult time, you can take back the control you have over your life!

How to begin? Psychologists suggest if you want to resiliently bounce back after a sideswiping, that you slowly increase your "internal locus of control" - the power you have to make easy, small changes. Studies even show that all you have to do is take control of a few small actions - and you'll be on your way to feeling like the master of your destiny once again.

 

Don't know about Horatio but I appreciated those articles Muggi, so thanks.

[Horatio]

Yeah, you're right! It's my fault I have an asymmetrical face with ridiculous proportions. It was a terrible idea to choose to be born into a family that regularly tells me they hate me, but hindsight is 20/20. I should have allocated more points to intelligence when I was creating me, but oops, my bad. My biggest regret, however, is choosing to have chemical imbalances in my brain and an under-active thyroid. That was such a stupid idea.

[muggiwhplar]

Yeah, you're right! It's my fault I have an asymmetrical face with ridiculous proportions.

But it's your choice that you're using that as an excuse to avoid learning how to interact with women.

 

It was a terrible idea to choose to be born into a family that regularly tells me they hate me, but hindsight is 20/20.

But it's your choice that you're still regularly interacting with them.

 

I should have allocated more points to intelligence when I was creating me, but oops, my bad.

But it's your choice that you're not spending your free time taking free courses online via Coursera, or going to the library to read educational nonfiction books for free.

 

My biggest regret, however, is choosing to have chemical imbalances in my brain and an under-active thyroid. That was such a stupid idea.

But it's your choice that you're not taking medications for that.

[muggiwhplar]

I realize that isn't what you want to hear, but think of it this way:

 

If I'm right, then that means there's a very strong chance that you can permanently cure your depression and achieve more or less anything that you want to achieve out of life.

 

If you're right, then you remain depressed for the rest of your life and never receive a woman's affection.

 

Believe what you want to believe. The choice is yours.

[Bonez899]

Yeah, you're right! It's my fault I have an asymmetrical face with ridiculous proportions. It was a terrible idea to choose to be born into a family that regularly tells me they hate me, but hindsight is 20/20. I should have allocated more points to intelligence when I was creating me, but oops, my bad. My biggest regret, however, is choosing to have chemical imbalances in my brain and an under-active thyroid. That was such a stupid idea.

If you read the blackdragon article, the first one, it talks about all of that. He makes a very good argument and point as to why instead of claiming these as bad traits and wrapping yourself in them as a blanket of protection, you should instead strive to succeed despite these feelings or shortcomings you may have. Just because you can list these negative things that doesn't mean you don't have anything positive going for you, it just means you're creating excuses where you should instead be striving to make up for those things. You can't choose the hand you are dealt in life you just have to play with it, bluff your way through if you can.

 

I honestly can't say that I've ever dealt with depression, or really felt the way you sound writing these posts, but I can say that I don't like to hear of anybody having the issues you are having or the crisis you are having. I really hope that with some good therapy or some spark of motivation caused by and external factor you come out of this attitude you are currently in.

[muggiwhplar]

I'd also recommend reading these two books. I'm sure your local library will let you read them for free.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Maximum-Achievement-Strategies-Skills-Succeed/dp/0684803313

 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Depression-Cure-Program-without/dp/0738213888

[Horatio]

I appreciate you guys trying to help, but to be honest some of the stuff you're posting is making me feel worse. I'll schedule an appointment with the new therapist tomorrow and hopefully he'll be able to help.

 

I also have some advice. Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Also, different people live different lives. This is intentionally ambiguous.

[Bonez899]

I also have some advice. Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Also, different people live different lives. This is intentionally ambiguous.

The articles posted are ambiguous. One was a study, one was an example, one was a general article written towards any person.

 

Regardless, as I wrote above, I wish you the best of luck with your new therapist and I hope you can someday come back here and help others that find themselves in your current situation.

[Major Dash]

I also have some advice. Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Also, different people live different lives. This is intentionally ambiguous.

 

 

The thing is, most of the advice being given works for just about anyone who puts in a sincere effort. There might be something that doesn't quite fit your needs, but find a way to tweak it to benefit you. If doing therapy isn't quite your thing, then do some kind of meditation, yoga, or some other type of healthy introspective activity. Just do what you can to make you feel better about yourself.

[RpgGamer]

We all genuinely wish you the best Horatio, but we can't help you much until you're willing to be helped

[muggiwhplar]

I appreciate you guys trying to help, but to be honest some of the stuff you're posting is making me feel worse.

 

That's completely normal. You're supposed to feel even less happy as you start making changes to your life or when realize you're doing something wrong. You just have to stick with it long enough for your brain to adapt and make you happier than you originally were.

[Estonian dude]

You ain't the only one who has been depressed.

 

Seriously.

 

You tried standing on the edge of a bridge for half an hour on a winter night, 90 feet above ice? In pitch-black darkness, at around 3 AM? Thinking about taking that one last small step?

I didn't take it. I survived. You do too.

I stand head and shoulders above pretty much everyone else. I am a bloody gigantor. Chewbacca. It has crushed my knee aswell. Yet I don't worry too much about it, it is the only thing I can't do anything about.

EVERY SINGLE [bleep]ING PERSON HAS AN ASYMMETRICAL FACE.

 

I failed high-school level Maths.

Yet I go to the university and am invited to a TV quiz, because I just so happened to have read shitloads and boatloads of books while I was younger and was bullied and shut into trash containers and etc. Aye, I have been locked into trash containers for over half an hour at a time, multiple times. Try to beat that.

 

YOU are the power. YOU make the change.

 

Try working out. Simple pushups, pullups, whatnot help you get fit. Run a bit. Helps tremendously with self-esteem. Chicks dig toned body. Ask pretty much anyone.

Also helps you by clearing out your thoughts. Giving you happy pheromones. But you need to do it for a few months to see results. Well, that obviously depends on your current shape, if you are seriously out of shape you should see changes within weeks.

[RpgGamer]

I felt like shit yesterday. Did a dozen laps in a go kart - felt great afterward. Endorphins are the [bleep]

[Sir_Squab]

I felt like shit yesterday. Did a dozen laps in mario kart - felt great afterward. Endorphins are the [bleep]

ftfy

[Nexaduro]

So um.

 

What do I do if I feel like a relationship is going too fast?

[RpgGamer]

Let your partner know! If you cant tell them how you feel it may be a fast relationship beginning AND end.

[Kalphite]

lol I have my first actual date since high school on Monday

 

from Tinder

 

wat

 

Thank you muggi for inspiration on how to set up dates over dating sites lol

[Noxx]

So my friend is in quite the pickle. Him and his girlfriend have been fighting this entire weekend. About shit i'm not 100% sure of. But as far as i could make out, she's been talking to this guy on whatsapp a lot. Like a lot. It's nothing weird, he was just asking her relationship advice. He's engaged to get married to a girl he's never met, and he wanted advice. Or something like that. Apparently my friend went through her phone, because he suspected something. He found their message log (this is how he knows about it). She sent him 3 pictures of herself. Again, nothing crazy, just pictures showing the guy her different hairstyles over the past few months. But either way, i personally find it quite inappropriate to do what she was doing while you're in a relationship.

 

So last night we went out for a few drinks. My, my girlfriend, him and his girlfriend. She got a bit drunk and started talking to my girlfriend about her and her boyfriend. She was telling her about how she would never have the passion for him that she had for her ex. But he takes good care of her, and hes a good provider. And she loves that about him. She said something along the lines of "When we're in bed together the fact that he takes care of me so well turns me on. Security is a big thing to me". Something like that, i'm not 100% sure about what exactly she said.

 

Now she's known to say and do a few stupid things when she's drunk. So i told my friend that personally i wouldn't react on it straight away, i'd "confront" her about what she said first. Try and find out exactly what's going on. But chances are that's how she really feels. In which case it's probably in his best interest to break up with her. 

She's not going to leave him, because he's a good provider. But he might have to live with knowing she's never going to love him the way he loves her. Or maybe, eventually, she might. But is he willing to take that sort of risk?

 

What would you guys do in a situation like this?

 

I left out a lot of detail, just because i don't know the story 100%, but this is more or less the gist. 

[Major Dash]

Well, what does "passion" exactly mean in this case? I feel like if it was just like sexual passion or something along those lines, that it wouldn't be the end of the world. If it means passion about the relationship or other person in general, there will be issues. I think that for a ltr feeling secure and happy is pretty important. Above all else, I do think that there should be some dialogue between the two of them.

 

But... We'll just wait for Muggi to pull the "dump her asap" card.

[RpgGamer]

She sounds like a [bleep]. But they're all kinda like that I one way way or another.

 

Forst reaction to the story: he doesn't trust her. And no trust = no relationship

[Bonez899]

But... We'll just wait for Muggi to pull the "dump her asap" card.

I'm more thinking muggi would pull the, "wouldn't happen if it was polyamory," card.

[Riku3220]

If the only incriminating evidence is 3 pictures of her showing off her hairstyles then I think the bigger issue there is that he's snooping through her phone. Those comments she made while drunk are pretty shitty things to say about someone though, but what he does about it depends on whether or not she actually means that or if she was making a bad joke.

 

Anyway my last date went great. We had a picnic in this park/fountain hybrid thing called the water gardens. I highly recommend to anyone having a picnic for a date because nearly every female friend I told about it thought having a picnic is the cutest thing in the world. You don't even need to do a lot for it. All I brought to eat was a vegetable platter, a watermelon, a pineapple, grapes, and strawberries and we played checkers and chess. She kissed me at the end of it which was surprising because she said that I'd have to wait for a third date to get a kiss. So with that we're pretty much together. Going to "officially" ask her to be my girlfriend with flowers in a couple of days.

[muggiwhplar]

lol I have my first actual date since high school on Monday

 

from Tinder

 

wat

 

Thank you muggi for inspiration on how to set up dates over dating sites lol

 

Awesome great job dude! :D