Theism/Agnosticism/Atheism

[EdgedThesis]

Edited to include Sentinels--a story that I believe highlights the merits of religion. Now I have the main viewpoints covered.

 

 

 

Sentinels

 

 

 

.....The sky was split in half with lightning. Jagged lines of bright,

 

eye-searing blue struck the horizon in the distance, each with a thunderous crack! The

 

display of light and fire was muffled and darkened only by the tattered gray clouds, the deafening

 

howl of the wind, and the all-encompassing blanket of cold rain.

 

.....In the chaos and darkness, there existed a small band of yellow and

 

orange light. It was a city, forming what seemed like a bright barrier that would shield refugees

 

from the storm. On either side of the city stood a humongous pillar of concrete and glass,

 

reaching up towards the flowing gray of the sky above. They loomed above all other edifices like

 

dark sentinelsthe watchers and protectors of all the tiny pin[puncture]s of light that lay beneath

 

them.

 

.....The eerie, high pitched shriek of the wind as it rushed through the

 

corridors of the city picked up. Tear-shaped raindrops fell with a soft pitter-patter, creating a

 

solemn, sorrowful beat that echoed throughout the city streets and played upon the rooftops.

 

Curiously, the sound of two footsteps joined this collection of beatsthe only noises that dared

 

to intrude upon natures discordant music. They came from the skyscrapers on the western and

 

eastern sides of the city, almost simultaneously.

 

.....One set consisted of the hard clacking of business shoes. The

 

footfalls abruptly stopped, accompanied by the hollow flap of a black umbrella. The owner of

 

both the shoes and the umbrella adjusted his glasses with a single gloved finger. It was The

 

Scientist, enigmatic owner of the Western Skyscraper, dressed as impeccably as usual. The

 

young man, sporting a five oclock shadow, then continued to the edge of his roof, taking in the

 

vista of brilliant light that was his city. He then looked up, to the rooftops of his buildings eastern

 

counterpart, as if expecting to see someone.

 

.....His eyes met yet another pair of eyes, the two gazes blasting into

 

each other like beams of pure animosity. The older, more wrinkled pair softened and looked away,

 

becoming more focused on the water seeping into the white robes of its owner. The Clergyman,

 

the bleached cloth of his dress flapping ceaselessly about in the wind, too walked to the edge of

 

his roof to glance down upon his city.

 

.....A frown framed his leathery face, enough to counter the angry scowl

 

of The Scientist. Both of them had exit the safety of their homes for a reasonmen such as

 

these do not simply walk into the freezing rain out of pleasure. The angry and depressed

 

contortions of their faces were then justified: a single siren rang out over every rooftop, almost

 

giving crescendo to the cacophony of the wind and rain. Then came the blackout. Every single

 

light winked out with a metallic thump, all except a tiny glint upon the Eastern Skyscraper.

 

It was an oil lantern, held aloft by The Clergyman. It was blown out after minutes, but the old

 

man refused to let it die. It was once again burningonly to be extinguished once more. The

 

Clergyman again revived it.

 

.....The Scientist, now standing in darkness, saw this exercise in futility.

 

Foolish old man, he thought. He closed his eyes, and though his glasses began to slip off of

 

his rain-slicked nose, he did not push them up again. It fell with the characteristic tinkle of broken

 

glass. The sirens grew louder now, the long notes now overwhelming the banshee-like screams of

 

the wind. He simply thought. How do we get out of this problem? How can the city be saved?

 

Millions of questions ran through his mind. None of them were answered. But still, he kept

 

thinking. He would defeat this. The crisis would not overwhelm his mind.

 

.....The Clergyman, shielding his lantern with his hands, kneeled down and

 

began to whisper. The quiet wisps of voice that escaped his lips wafted over the city like ghosts.

 

He prayed.

 

.....The Scientist saw the kneeling white figure in the distance, and

 

scoffed. He promptly returned to his meditation and search for answers. Sweat mingled with the

 

rain as they both slid down his forehead.

 

.....Suddenly, the lightning stopped. The thunder ceased its erratic

 

drumbeat. The pitter-pattering of the rain was silenced. Yet, the siren still rang out in the midst

 

of the dead quiet. Both eyes, wrinkled and young, looked towards the sky. A single black oval,

 

trailing flame and smoke, burst through the clouds above the center of the city.

 

.....The Scientists forehead was folded and distorted in frustration. His

 

mind worked furiously.

 

.....The Clergyman had an air of calm, his white robes gently rippling

 

around his aging frame. His mouth bent into an acknowledging smile.

 

.....The black oval whistled down towards the cityscape, riding the winds

 

like a flaming horseman. The silencing quality of the dark comet was like that of Death himself.

 

.....The mouth of The Scientist opened in an exhausted gasp while The

 

Clergymen let out a knowing laugh.

 

.....Crack!

 

.....In a deafening wave of thunder no man had ever heard before, the

 

missile hit the city. In a flash of lightning that had never before been seen, it released its inner

 

fire. Every ear was deaf and every eye was blindno one could see the black mushroom cloud of

 

the bomb leap forth from the ground to join the clouds. No one saw that, for a moment, all the

 

concrete, glass, and steel of the city were like liquidthey rippled outwards from the explosion in

 

successive waves of destruction. A wall of fire swept over every building.

 

.....The faces of the men upon their sentinel-like skyscrapers were

 

charred into permanence:

 

.....A blackened charcoal smile lay amongst shreds of white cloth. Next to

 

shattered glass and pieces of black umbrella, there was an expression of absolute fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Agnostic

 

 

 

Argument One:

 

 

 

 

 

.....Tick.

 

.....Summer, our side of the planet is closest to the sun.

 

.....Tick.

 

.....Winter, now it is farthest. The stars in the sky twinkle brighter than ever before.

 

.....Tick, tick, tick.

 

.....Mars follows its own waltz around the sun within the void. Saturns rings flow around it

 

with celestial grace. Pluto and Neptune switch places in their race through the blackness.

 

.....Our universe. As predictable as the hands on our watches. And our watches were

 

designed. The implication is obvious. I can see why this was the main belief of the masses upon

 

the advent of astronomy.

 

.....The ticking watch is how the universe was like when we knew next to nothing about it.

 

Now, smash that watch.

 

.....Hear the crack of the glass, and the whistle of its delicate parts streaking through the

 

air. Unbidden by any force, save the laws of physics. Listen to the tiny metal fragments hitting

 

the floor with almost unnoticeable pliks.

 

.....Plik.

 

.....Asteroids speeding towards the craggy surface of some unknown planet, its face

 

already scarred and defaced.

 

.....Plik.

 

.....A star on a leisurely stroll through another star system, unknowingly sending all its

 

planets into a clumsy tumble, radically rearranging their geographies.

 

.....Plikplikplik.

 

.....A suns internal chaos escapes and engulfs its cosmic companions in a fiery, red inferno.

 

Worlds are ripped apart between the forces of its two stars. Atoms are shredded within the

 

one-dimensional bowels of a black hole.

 

.....This is our universe. Not a harmonious dance. Just a chaotic bid to keep on course as

 

the myriad forces of the galaxy impede your path.

 

.....Designer?

 

 

 

Argument Two:

 

 

 

.....I am one year old. I live my life as does an animalI am fed by my mother, anxious only

 

to eat or sleep. I have no interest in this world around me save what provides for me.

 

.....I am two now. My eyes hold a little bit more curiosity. I have found new ways to get

 

nourishment. I have the ability to sneak up on unsuspecting cookie jars and take what I need.

 

Sometimes, when my friends are over, we work as a team to thwart our restrictive parents.

 

.....I am three. I catch my first lasting glimpse of a lightning storm. It is spectacular, if not

 

slightly terrifying. This strange glowing substance that lasts only for an instant, seemingly

 

bursting out of nonexistence, must be unnatural. Is some spirit alive in those clouds?

 

.....I am four, and I am enjoying my new set of tinker toys. I am my own inventor, and have

 

already created several things. They are not only useful, they are fun.

 

.....I have reached the milestone of five years. I no longer copy my inventions from the

 

manuals in the box. I now just follow my imagination. Once, I used some light Lego pieces and

 

attached them to paper wings, and let it fly in the wind.

 

.....I am six. I still watch thunderstorms in my free time, and I still cannot figure them out.

 

Elusive spirit, in the clouds

 

.....My life accelerates as school takes over my life. I am fifteen. I am wandering the old

 

villages of my home country, and savoring its natural smells and sights. There is a lightning storm

 

in the distance. I know now that it is simply a balancing of charges built up both in the ground

 

and in the dynamic surfaces of clouds. Even so, I pray to my deity, who watches not over the

 

petty defeated mystery of lightning, but the universe, and is the one that had birthed both it

 

and human beings. The deity that gave us our purpose. I pray that the storm would not reach

 

the village.

 

.....I see a small boy nearby. He seems to be about six, the same age I was when I was

 

fascinated by these things. I see him pull out his necklace and begin to ask that the storm not

 

reach his home. He was asking some unnamed spirits.

 

.....I began to laugh at the similarity between us, and at the ignorance of all young people.

 

.....When I advanced even further in age, I laughed at my own ignorance during that single

 

moment of arrogance.

 

 

Argument Three:

 

 

 

.....He was sitting in his darkened room, nursing his bruises and, he suspected, his cracked

 

ribs. His parents had just taken wooden beams to him, and he was only given slight respite within

 

the blackness of his basement quarters.

 

.....Apparently, it was a part of his re-education. He had grown up mostly influenced by his

 

friends, while his parents usually were busy getting drunk somewhere. And now, suddenly, they

 

wanted some love. Ridiculous.

 

.....They had gotten together and even typed up a little booklet for him. Stupid little things

 

like hugging them at least five times during the day, maybe even having a family get-together

 

every Sunday. What a waste of time.

 

.....When hed refused, they decided to seek love through pain. They decided to take what

 

they called a Legalist approach. Now, he didnt know much about Chinese philosophies, but the

 

idea that they were going to try and herd him using rewards or punishment like some kind of

 

animal was insane. Hed refused, and he kept on refusing. Why did his parents have the sudden

 

desire to care for him and guide him through his life? Inexplicable.

 

.....They kept on repeating, in that stupid little pamphlet of theirs, that they deserved his

 

reciprocation of their care. Bull. They gave birth to him. Big ****ing deal. Thats the one thing

 

they always repeated. They gave life to him. As far as he was concerned, that wasnt a giftit

 

was a curse.

 

.....They gave him food and a place to sleep when he was a kid. That was their second

 

reason. No ****, idiots. I was a little baby, it was your obligation to give me food. He had

 

nothing to thank them for except years of emptiness. What had seemed like centuries of

 

emptiness

 

.....Their ultimatum was a simple one. Lie subject to their new rules or be beaten in the

 

shed later on. Love them.

 

.....Psh, he thought. Like they even needed his love.

 

.....In the end, his resolve emerged stronger than before. His parents threats to beat him

 

to a pulp fell upon uncaring ears. He would not be bound by irrational rules.

 

.....After he emerged from his basement, his parents brandished steel pipes that were used

 

to heat his underground room. Both cutting off the warmth of his living quarters and wielding

 

weapons, they stood triumphant in their victory. They gave him one final warning that his head

 

would be smashed if he did not obey. They tossed him another copy of their moronic little

 

pamphlet.

 

.....His answer was clear, simple, and concise:

 

.....I dont give a damn.

 

.....He did not have feeling in his toes the very next day, but he did have his dignity.

 

.....He had a distinct, burning thought as tears of hatred seared his face. He glared at his

 

parents through blurred corneas and the voice in his head increased in volume.

 

.....I never asked you to give birth to me

 

 

 

The Atheist

 

 

 

Argument One:

 

 

 

.....The so-called life-giving hand of God was embodied by the bitter cold and the poisonous fumes

 

of primal Earth. Volcanoes filled the air with their fountains of ash and vapor, their rumbles so great that

 

they would have clasped the hearts of anything alive in utter fear. Storms, sliding against each

 

other in what seemed like war-torn skies, sent down lightning and thunder, the heat and vibration

 

laying waste to the surface of our world.

 

.....The loving womb He provided us was in the frozen embrace of the poles, or in the tumultuous,

 

toxic seas. It was there where, either by reactions from the light and plasma above, or the sub-zero tendrils

 

of the depths below, the seed of life slowly gestated.

 

.....Our first bout of violence was in our infancy. The tiny things that had grown from frozen

 

nucleotides and amino acids forged in lightnings furnace had begun to take over the known world.

 

When suddenly, a green thing emerged from the fray and began mixing and switching gases, its body

 

somehow trapping and even feeding off of light. The atmosphere of the Earth changed that dayand the first

 

organisms, who had fought so hard just to survive, were destroyed in one fell swoop. By a simple organic process.

 

.....We then began to acquire a taste for the living. Heterotrophic cells began to take our oceans by storm.

 

Violence was simply a part of the cycle.

 

.....Our bodies were molded by the fires of ecological war. Organisms began to teethe so they could

 

easily rip at the flesh. They developed chemical weapons to bombard their enemies. Claws were forged to shred,

 

and thorns were engineered to pierce. Soon thought processes sped up in order to strategize, and voices took

 

volume in order to command. Fingers grew from bloodied palms to manipulate, and spines erected to view the battle from above.

 

.....This is simply a summary of our bloodstained, viciously serrated wheel of life. Did you see any

 

compassion in the spin of its bladed spokes? Did you see intent in its unthinking, deadly revolutions?

 

.....Hm. Neither did we.

 

 

 

Argument Two:

 

 

 

.....I am adrenaline.

 

.....I am testosterone.

 

.....I am estrogen, endorphins, serotonin, and whatever other endocrinal secretion you can think of.

 

.....I am the electricity that passes through my electron conduits, the same force of energy that

 

sends signals to my central processor.

 

.....Light bounces off of the world around me, is focused through the lenses of my dual photoreceptors,

 

and is quickly processed by the efforts of my individual cones and rods.

 

.....The air thrums and vibrates, the influence tapping away at my aural sensors, my complex organic

 

microphone that replaces silicon and plastic with the gifts of keratin and calcium.

 

.....Pressure pads line the soft shell of my body, both warning me of impending dangerthe odd threats

 

to turn me into scrapand letting me enjoy the pleasures of proper maintenance.

 

.....Thick bands of dynamic rubber cover my unorthodox internal structure, which is strange crystal lattice

 

composed of several separate fragments of rarely utilized soft metal. They act as a system of pulleys and levers,

 

complex mathematical formulas and equations constantly being put to use in order to lift, move, and function.

 

.....A complicated system of coolant tubes forces liquid through my body to sate the overheated, thirsty

 

desires of the mechanisms around it.

 

.....A huge red engine lies beating at the topographical center of my being. It pumps exhaust and vital fuel,

 

its series of pulsating pipes and hollows, in effect, providing me with power.

 

.....I am, by all standard definitions, human.

 

.....A human, who, in curiosity, magnetized his computers inner workings.

 

.....A human, who, in the darkness of his room, wonders if any of the memory inside had survived.

 

 

 

Argument Three:

 

 

 

.....What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs by noon, and three legs by evening?

 

.....Hmm. Lets break down the riddle. Obviously this is some sort of life cycle. Lets picture the three

 

different stages in our minds eye.

 

.....Four legs? This would be some sort of animal, perhaps? No, I doubt any four legged beast

 

metamorphoses into a biped in its life-cycle. Biped? I believe a light bulb just went off above my head.

 

.....Its human! Infants crawl on four little legs, and men and women stand strong on their feet.

 

But, do humans grow three legs? Ahem, ignore that potential innuendo. Three legs obviously later in the life cycle.

 

I have never seen any old man grow an extra leg. Well, except if you include those few who got too close

 

to radiation at some point in their lives. Wait, I think Ill let out a gasp of my intellectual

 

satisfaction here: Ive figured it out.

 

.....Its a crutch. Kind of a broad generalization, dont you think? I doubt all humans grow old and

 

need the use of a cane. I doubt many even want to.

 

.....The wretched, wooden things support the weight of, sure, what might have been a painful life, but I

 

think it takes away your potential for further development.

 

.....Sure, you could lean your mass upon the narrow, spindly form of that cane, but wouldnt it be better to

 

learn how to adapt to your age?

 

.....I know that some people have an illness that makes physical therapy a little impossible but still.

 

If you had the knowledge that you wouldnt be able to walk again, wouldnt you strive to compensate for your

 

disability with something else?

 

.....Wouldnt reliance only upon yourself allow for quicker development and progress?

 

.....Whatever, Im reading too much into this sad excuse of a riddle, anyway.

 

.....I guess Im just prejudiced against crutches. Ah well.

[Bluejayfan94]

.....I am two now. My eyes hold a little bit more curiosity. I have found new ways to get

 

nourishment. I have the ability to sneak up on unsuspecting cookie jars and take what I need.

 

Sometimes, when my friends are over, we work as a team to thwart our restrictive parents.

 

 

 

Haha, Very true.

 

 

 

 

 

This is actually something I want to discuss. I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place for that though. Should I take this to Off-topic?

 

Anyway, if you want to know my intended meanings--drop me a message.

 

 

 

This forum is for literacy, the people in Off-topic would tell you to come back here.

[issy2]

I love the first one, it had a very magical, celestial feel, very thought provoking. I love how it changes from neat and tidy and ordered to complete chaos. There's a few bits I really loved, "Just a chaotic bid to keep on course as the myriad forces of the galaxy impede your path" is a really great line :)

 

Just one grammatical mistake - it's and its. "It's" is short for "it is", whereas "its' " is possession of something. Also "I have the ability to sneak up on unsuspecting cookie jars and take what I need. Sometimes, when my friends are over, we work as a team to thwart our restrictive parents."

 

I'm not sure but I think this might be being a little unrealistic. While a kid at the age of two would certainly be able to walk, they wouldn't be able to open a screw-top jar. They wouldn't be strong enough for one thing, their hands too small, secondly how exactly would they reach it? They wouldn't be able to jump/climb onto a table, it'd have to be on the floor or within easy reach. And a group of two-year old friends probably wouldn't be left alone long enough to do any parent-thwarting. Anyway sorry if I'm taking that too literally/being pedantic but it is unrealistic.

 

Good job on them though.

[Nom]

Your intended meanings are far too glaringly obvious for what you are trying to do.

 

 

 

The work hovers in some weird place between formal argumentation and metaphorical presentation, with some odd things that belong in neither thrown in.

 

 

 

Argument one is the best of the three. I like the analogy of the watch to the universe, and the way you twisted it was good. The bad thing is this:

 

 

 

"I can see why this was the main belief of the masses upon the advent of astronomy."

 

 

 

Never use "I" in a formal argumentative essay. Don't use "I" in narration when there is no clear speaker. Since you hover in that weird place, it is a double no-no. Coupled with this:

 

 

 

"Designer? Ha. This is more analogous to a child shaking its new snow globe."

 

 

 

it gives the impression of a personal attack. The emphasis placed on that word and a few others gives the feel of derision. Make your point without looking down your nose with a curled lip.

 

 

 

Now for argument two, it is different from the first in that there is now a clear narrator, and it reads more like a fictional story. The only problem I have with this is that it is such a sudden contrast with the first in terms of style, and devolves into preachiness at the end. You spent all those lines building up to what should have been a subtly executed and poignant point, but instead mock the buildup by simply saying outright what you were driving at all along.

 

 

 

Argument three. . . I don't like. Preachy, full of angst that I assume is suppossed to garner sympathy in conjuction with the cirumstances but instead distances the whole paragraph from the point it is trying to make. All it ends up as in the end is an angry narration from the one-sided POV of an abused teenager.

 

 

 

Overall, it is an interesting attempt, but you need to find your niche so to speak and lay out some ground rules for the area based on those already established. Basically a hybrid of formal essaying and metaphor as I said earlier, but you have to follow the rules or it will not be taken seriously.

[EdgedThesis]

Sweet.

 

 

 

Thanks for the feedback--it's cool I can learn from this place.

 

Yeah, I'll work on the subtlety a lot. The truth is, I was bored at my summer internship and

 

had no work for the moment, and decided to work on this.

 

 

 

Thanks for the hints to refine my stuff.

 

 

 

It's good to get responses from different places, am I right? Even if your high school English teacher is a beast, it is best to get reactions from several people.

 

 

 

Oh, and those angry statements I made in the last story wasn't made to transfer over into the realm of the metaphorical. And yeah, I realize I sound kinda idiotic with my last line of One, haha.

 

 

 

I'll probably send in a few pro-religious stories in this thread too, on another day.

 

 

 

Edit: I was a cookie stealing ninja when I was two. Or five. *cough* Yeah, I had those stages in there to kind of mirror the stages of human development in both spiritual/societal/scientific areas. I should have probably broken the ages down at wider intervals, to allow for more realism.

 

 

 

The problem is, I wanted there to be a huge span of time available after the 'point of arrogance', because personally I think the human race has a lot ahead of it in terms of development. I expect great things...

[Bluejayfan94]

The problem is, I wanted there to be a huge span of time available after the 'point of arrogance', because personally I think the human race has a lot ahead of it in terms of development. I expect great things...

 

 

 

Scientists think: "Think big, or go home." That is very true. We imagined space travel (or at least space travel to the moon) for many many years, and now look. Mars Rovers, Satelites on other planets, Multiple moon landings.

[EdgedThesis]

Yessir. Humans are pretty awesome, when viewed in the proper light, of course.

 

 

 

Our ambitious attitudes might, sure, lead to greed or lust for power, but collectively I think it brings progress.

 

 

 

Oh, and, ^new story series up. Ill have another up soon enough.

[Xewleer]

It kind of saddens me, the things you are putting up.

 

 

 

I don't like em. Not cause I'm a religious fanatic (which I am) I just don't like the style or most of the messages within them.

 

 

 

Humans are bastards (illegitimate sons) That's all there is too it. People only change in the face of some kind of death.

[EdgedThesis]

Humans have the capacity to be bastards yes, but we also have the capacity to be saviors.

 

 

 

Sure, we have men who crawl amongst the lowest moral strata--

 

But we also have geniuses who amongst their lines of code and instruments are willing to make a better place for us all.

 

 

 

Even some who won't intellectually develop the Earth have something morally great to give.

 

We've survived this long, the crap in our gene pool isn't having THAT bad of an effect. Yet.

[Xewleer]

And while we sit here and talk, the end times (as prophesied in the Bible. Read Revelations) rapidly approach. The conditions are rapidly being reached. Technology is rapidly enabling that which is our end. Technology will be the thing which heralds our end.

[EdgedThesis]

Technology simply amplifies human intent.

 

 

 

You can't really think that an incompetent human would be able to kill us all, right? XD

 

 

 

And if you think humans are competent enough, you can't believe that one of them would suck enough to do so.

[Xewleer]

If you say so, I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

[Bluejayfan94]

You can't really think that an incompetent human would be able to kill us all, right? XD

 

 

 

Well yes, actually I do think that. George W. Bush anyone?

[Xewleer]

You can't really think that an incompetent human would be able to kill us all, right? XD

 

 

 

Well yes, actually I do think that. George W. Bush anyone?

 

 

 

Does anyone actually listen to what he says and not listen to the news media? They hate him, almost without exception. It's not his, nor anyone else's fault in the White House (that's currently in, I'm not going to talk about Clinton) that we were attacked, or the war. In fact, we're not doing enough. Iran is pushing forward, trying to get enough done for a bomb before we do anything. Religion blinds fanatics like them. You have to kill them to defeat them.

 

 

 

BTW I can use myself as an example: You would have to kill me before I denied Jesus. Sin aside, I'll at least hold to his name in public. Part of being a man is doing stuff like that.

[Bluejayfan94]

You can't really think that an incompetent human would be able to kill us all, right? XD

 

 

 

Well yes, actually I do think that. George W. Bush anyone?

 

 

 

Does anyone actually listen to what he says and not listen to the news media? They hate him, almost without exception. It's not his, nor anyone else's fault in the White House (that's currently in, I'm not going to talk about Clinton) that we were attacked, or the war. In fact, we're not doing enough. Iran is pushing forward, trying to get enough done for a bomb before we do anything. Religion blinds fanatics like them. You have to kill them to defeat them.

 

 

 

BTW I can use myself as an example: You would have to kill me before I denied Jesus. Sin aside, I'll at least hold to his name in public. Part of being a man is doing stuff like that.

 

 

 

And I'm not American so I can talk about him like the other 1 million Canadians and their beavers... (That is another American Joke I heard somewhere.)

[Xewleer]

well...

[Bluejayfan94]

dot dot dot

[EdgedThesis]

Sentinels seemed to go better here.

[Harakiri]

Hrm...another bump. :|

[EdgedThesis]

Another story.

[archimage_a]

BAHHHHH! Sorry, just deleated my response.

 

 

 

Ok, it is an amazing peice of writing, possibly the most amazing that I have read. This may be due to me writing something last september and rereading recently...all the while thinking 'This can't be true...but is.' So when the others thought it sounded preachy my mind was wide open thinking 'This has happened somewhere, even if it hasn't happened to them.'

 

 

 

Also you really need to get rid of the punctuation in Sentinels, when I read it (I read it aloud) my voice found the natural order of the line, the natural stress of the syllables and I largely ignored the punctuation on the page.

 

That said some of the words just didn't fit.

 

Humongous for instance is the only three syllable word (except protectors which, when reading aloud, I paused after saying.) and was right in the middle of a flowing sentence. Humongous has a long sound right in the middle hugh-mung-gus, which draws so much emphasis on the word that it is the focal point of the setence.

 

 

 

Then we have 'impeccably as usual'. Just no. Not only is is a four syllabled word(like Umbrella, but umbrella features at then end of the setance, a very definate ending word) it is also out of place. 'Irreproachable as usual', 'Incapable of sin as usual'...It defines something which is already a 'as always', its like saying 'Joules per second' Joules are measured in seconds as default. As if all that was not enough it then strikes resonance with the reader 'Doesn't he mean perfect as usual' which breaks the line of thought, breaks the reality of the story.

 

 

 

'He then looked up' Then he looked up just sounds better. 'Then. He looked up.' Then gives that amazing pause, or rather I would pause after then...so...

 

 

 

'His eyes met yet another pair of eyes' Ok, you are limited here but that is no excuse for bad writing. It sounds almost like dry prose, you are reporting something which is so boring that you can't be bothered(or so it seems.)

 

Also 'met yet', that is just a no-no. Two similar sounds next to each other...

 

 

 

'flapping ceaselessly about in the wind, too walked'

 

Don't really need the about. The 'too' would be better served at the end, linking it to the first person...as opposed to linking then drawing back then linking.

 

 

 

 

 

Then 'exit the safety of their homes' exited?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then a big gap 'Winter, now it is fathest' now at it's farthest?'

 

 

 

'The ticking watch is how the universe was like'

 

Is and was? Present and past tense...

 

Now you are presented with a big difficulty here because you are making the second thing the focus of the setence, but the English language is focused around making the first thing primary(QED).

 

The ticking watch. How like the Universe it was when we knew next to nothing about it.

 

 

 

Now then, I am not an Athesis as such...I believe in 'God', but his 'awesome might' is as 'the Death Star is to the power of the Force'(To paraphrase Vader). God's divine will is insignificant against the power of Humanity...Something which can create or destroy but nothing else, less than a fraction of the Universes lifespan was taken in creation and one expects less than a fraction will be taken in its destruction...of course assuming that was God's role.

 

So what do I believe in?

 

The soul...A golden reflection of ourself as we are truely meant to be, not good or bad but true. To a sever scientist this would be fufilling our genetic role, and such a view is accurate...but can you imagine yourself as a string of amino acid? Can you imagine your true self? Does it matter that I say Tomarto and you say Tomato, it only matters that I fufill the role that I have been given in life...and if that is to be someone that people disagree with because of what I believe in...then so be it.

 

Anyway getting far too deep for a literary essay so I shall ask that you PM me if you are interested in having a deep conversation.

[i_love_burritos]

Can't say much [and even If I did it would be useless], seing as N0M_AN0R and archimage have both critiqued it. I liked Agnostic Argument One the most. All the others were good too.