Not sure if it's just hints of little regrets from a relatively short life stirred up by reading a sobering blog post, or something outside of that. Regardless, I'm having what I guess is an existential crisis thinking about the choices I have made to this point and the overall fragile mortality of life.
I'm sure in the morning I'm going to wake up back to my relatively bullet proof and carefree existence where pain and suffering seem far away and something that hardly ever affects me, but for now my mind is travelling the path of retrospect and trying to follow the path into the future where I'm uncertain what choices to make.
Add to this a really, completely bleeped dream I had last night. Actually, not a dream but an almost realistic nightmare that I legitimately woke from surprised that it wasn't reality. Something I've been pondering for meaning all day but sadly fits into this existential crisis.
Too top all of this off I've also created another, very real, situation for myself due to lack of action that I'm not sure I'll ever resolve but will have to sit on for at least the next month. Again, young and relatively inexperienced and I'm sure that it's a passing fancy, that most of you TIF readers out there would tell me not to worry about or that I'll get over it regardless of thoughts now. However, I think for the first time I've truly kind of fallen in love with a person. Maybe its just an infatuation, but it feels different from previous times when legitimately I could tell I was attracted to the person, and they were cool/nice to hang out with but it just feels different.
Moreso, because of a lack of action I have no idea if these feelings are reciprocated or even a thought in the mind of this individual. I have my hunch, and I hope a good one, that this person might also share some feelings, but I've allowed things to pass and fear them slipping away.
As absolutely ridiculous and "Disney" as it is to think about, especially because I know realistically it's not true, this is almost one of those situations where if "the one" exists I may have found them.
That all being said, I know that realistically I'm placing this person on a pedestal of perfection they could probably never live up to and creating a fantasy in my mind that could never be true. I know that given my age and experience it's super unlikely that any of what I write is true or lasts for longer than a couple of months. I'm almost definitely just feeling an infatuation that will go away, a case of "oneitis" that probably isn't going to be reciprocated and definitely never will if I stay an afraid chump and make no moves.
However, the chemical signals in my brain, the complicated wiring of my neurons is telling me all of these feelings despite the objective knowledge I have and have stated here right now. I know that really, a lot of this is just being almost childish to say and believe, but I still believe it and have that feeling in my gut when thinking about it. Something I'll dwell on over the next month and try to "overcome" although that's not quite the word I really want to use.
I guess the big thing is that for a person who rarely feels truely strong emotions and, whether healthy or not, has built up walls of "protection" around my inner self with a ton of deflective mechanisms and clever traps in my mind to collect feelings. I truly feel like ripping it all down and laying myself bare with my emotions and feelings to this person. Not to tear down a section of the wall or let loose a sliver as I've done with many friends and even strangers to help connect. But to truly open the gates and let them in to see everything, but find myself reacting out of habit with what I have built already. I think that's what scares me, a weird phrase to use but one that most adequately describes my emotions about it.
And now for the part where I say sorry for the long post, more of a mind dump really that I don't expect anyone to have to read and may go back and delete later. I just needed a cathartic release in a relatively anonymous setting to express these emotions, fears, and realizations along with writing them down to help myself understand them better.