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#56741
Nyosuht
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Nyosuht

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Chilling at Penguicon, having left my guy disguise at home.

MFW I run into my dad and "oh, this is my son" but everyone keeps gendering me properly anyway.

Actual face

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In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their ancestors invincible. ~Samuel Adams; 1 August, 1776
There are men, in all ages, who mean to exercise power usefully; but who mean to exercise it. They mean to govern well; but they mean to govern. They promise to be kind masters; but they mean to be masters. ~Daniel Webster; 15 March, 1837


#56742
Arceus
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Arceus

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May the fourth be with you...and I wonder how long until it'll be a bigger deal than July 4th...


"Fight for what you believe in, and believe in what you're fighting for." Can games be art?
---

 

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My blog here if you want to check out my Times articles and other writings! I always appreciate comments/feedback.

#56743
RpgGamer
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I don't subscribe to that rebel dirt
Posted Image


Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude
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#56744
Goonstalf
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like a subcribe


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I'm going to milk Goon's teats


#56745
Ring_World
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I played kotor 1 for may the 4th.



#56746
Goonstalf
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good game


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#56747
Veiva
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My dean contacted the dean over at Georgia Tech (my #1 school choice) because I'm missing a few pre-reqs for the major (Computer Science). None of the relevant classes at my school transfer so there's no point in my taking them anyway. I'm an excellent student so I'm hoping they can make an exception or whatever.

 

This is the list of things I sent my dean that I've done, I don't know how many she mentioned when emailing the dean at Georgia Tech:

  • Made apprenticeship website for Funeral Services Department, working on similar website for Cosmetology Department
  • Can provide letter of recommendation from chairman of the computer department & dean of public services
  • 3-month software development internship turned into current job as a software developer at Immersion Media
  • Provided computer programming tutoring during summer semesters
  • Working on starting business developing entertainment applications, should launch within next 3-4 months
  • Contributes to open source projects such as Allegro, Egoboo, and LOVE
  • 4.0 GPA

That stuff on top of the obstacles I've overcome would be like candy to admissions if it weren't for the fact I'm missing some pre-reqs...

 

Worse comes to worst I'll just go to the local university for a year and fill in the missing classes then transfer. (You need 30 credit hours at your current institution to transfer). But I'd rather not...


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#56748
Tesset
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Texts from Mom: "[Deadname], go to the doctor. You have a heart murmur."
I don't respond, because I can't think of a nice way to say "you don't know what you're talking about, and it's incredibly insulting to use my deadname while you're texting me and have time to think about what you're writing"
Mom a week later: "I'm feeling ignored!!!"

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off


#56749
Veiva
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Veiva

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Finally, my room no longer looks like a kid's room. I moved up to a full size bed, got or repurposed furniture to match, printed and framed some of my artwork, and cleaned up some crap.
 


This genuinely makes me pretty happy.

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#56750
Ring_World
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Texts from Mom: "[Deadname], go to the doctor. You have a heart murmur."
I don't respond, because I can't think of a nice way to say "you don't know what you're talking about, and it's incredibly insulting to use my deadname while you're texting me and have time to think about what you're writing"
Mom a week later: "I'm feeling ignored!!!"

 

 

So I get why getting called by your chosen name is important to you. The reason why your mom isn't in a hurry to call you it is because your request sounds like:

Mom I told you to call me Malgoroth the champion of the forgotten realms. I don't respond to my slave name. 

I get she should understand and call you that out of respect for your identity but she doesn't understand and you'll have to find another approach to get her to understand it.

 

Also why does your mom think you have a heart murmur? 



#56751
Tesset
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Texts from Mom: "[Deadname], go to the doctor. You have a heart murmur."
I don't respond, because I can't think of a nice way to say "you don't know what you're talking about, and it's incredibly insulting to use my deadname while you're texting me and have time to think about what you're writing"
Mom a week later: "I'm feeling ignored!!!"

 
 
So I get why getting called by your chosen name is important to you. The reason why your mom isn't in a hurry to call you it is because your request sounds like:
Mom I told you to call me Malgoroth the champion of the forgotten realms. I don't respond to my slave name. 
I get she should understand and call you that out of respect for your identity but she doesn't understand and you'll have to find another approach to get her to understand it.

I know. It's just so incredibly not fun to live through the intervening time, especially without a guarantee of a light at the other end.

Also why does your mom think you have a heart murmur?

Hell if I know.

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off


#56752
Nyosuht
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Nyosuht

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Mom a week later: "I'm feeling ignored!!!"

"I'm sorry. Were you talking to me or [deadname]?"
 

So I get why getting called by your chosen name is important to you. The reason why your mom isn't in a hurry to call you it is because your request sounds like:

Mom I told you to call me Malgoroth the champion of the forgotten realms. I don't respond to my slave name. 
I get she should understand and call you that out of respect for your identity but she doesn't understand and you'll have to find another approach to get her to understand it.

Understanding is not necessary; basic decency and respect should suffice. You don't need to understand why or how deadnaming and misgendering hurts in order to accept that it does and stop doing it.
"Help me understand why this is important," "it's not your legal name," etc. are just BS ways of saying "I could stop, but the fact that it bothers or hurts you isn't good enough a reason for me to do so."

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In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their ancestors invincible. ~Samuel Adams; 1 August, 1776
There are men, in all ages, who mean to exercise power usefully; but who mean to exercise it. They mean to govern well; but they mean to govern. They promise to be kind masters; but they mean to be masters. ~Daniel Webster; 15 March, 1837


#56753
muggiwhplar
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Understanding is not necessary; basic decency and respect should suffice. You don't need to understand why or how deadnaming and misgendering hurts in order to accept that it does and stop doing it.

I think understanding is definitely a prerequisite in this scenario. In an ideal world, it shouldn't be, but that's not how the real world works in this case. If Tess wanted to be called Malgoroth, the champion of the forgotten realms, would you call her that without question?

 

If you would, that's good for you, but I'd argue that most people would be a bit apprehensive about that. I had an old coworker named Oscar. He didn't mind being called Oscar the Grouch playfully, but he drew an arbitrary line at Oscar Meyer-- he hated being called that for some reason. I respected that, so I'd make sure never to call him Oscar Meyer. But if he went on to say, call me Oscaroth, the champion of the forgotten realms, I'd tell him to go [bleep] himself :lol: But if he told me he was transitioning and wanted me to call him Oscarina, I'd be cool with that.

 

I'd imagine Tess' mom probably doesn't believe that transgenderism is a thing. And she probably can't be bothered to do any research on it because it's propaganda to her and her son (daughter?) is brainwashed/delusional. But if she believed/understood how transgenderism works, I doubt she'd have any qualms about it. My cousin came out as gay a few years ago and his father wasn't pleased. But they both love each other and always have loved each other, so his father quickly came to accept and embrace it. I have a feeling Tess never had the same mutually-loving relationship like my cousin/uncle have, which makes it less of a cooperative "let's figure out how we can work through this together" and more of a competitive "I shouldn't have to change my beliefs/behaviors for you" dynamic.

 

But I don't know either of them IRL so who knows.


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#56754
Ring_World
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Even within the trans community it took decades for it to become normalized (by outreach and getting the general public to understand) enough for transitioning and adopting a new name to become a common place idea enough to share it.

 

I understand why calling you by your preferred pronouns and using your chosen name is just a basic act of decency and respect but your living in an echo chamber if you can't see why that takes a massive amount of understanding. 



#56755
Tesset
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Tesset

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It's entirely possible they don't really know what makes me uncomfortable yet. I'm bad at setting boundaries, especially with them. And it hasn't really been that long. Maybe things will get better.

I've given them resources. Who knows if they've looked at them. I offered to answer their questions, but they haven't asked any yet. Dad sent me a Jordan Peterson video today, so it seems unlikely that they're really internalizing trans positive voices.

It's just like. On the one hand, any positive reaction will probably need time to manifest, and I need to give them that time. And if I push them away before then, it's unlikely their reaction will ever be positive. But on the other hand, there's a very real chance my parent's reaction will never be positive. And while they figure out which way they're gonna go, I have to deal with all the invalidation they throw my way.

It's hard to be patient with them. And my impatience isn't any more unreasonable than their ignorance.

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off


#56756
Goonstalf
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Goonstalf

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ba


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I'm going to milk Goon's teats


#56757
rocc0
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rocc0

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@ Veiva I went to Georgia Tech, let me know if you have questions about it


TANSTAAFL


#56758
Nyosuht
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Nyosuht

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@muggiwhplar
She doesn't want to be known as Malgoroth, the champion of the forgotten realms, and her name doesn't have 13 syllables across 7 words. You're being intentionally dense.
If you told me that was your name, I'd probably do the same thing I do whenever I encounter a name longer than two or three syllables and ask if you have a short form (maybe Malgoroth, or Mal) that's okay to use. Failing that or acceptable nicknames, I'd just not refer to you by name; I forget people's names often enough that it isn't hard to do. I wouldn't insist on calling you Zoey.
In much the same way you didn't need to understand why Oscar wasn't to be called Oscar Meyer in order to understand that you shouldn't call him that, you don't need to understand anything about why someone has taken a new name in order to understand that you shouldn't deadname them.
 
@Ring_World
So, I don't know a whole lot about "the community" or why that's relevant. I grew up in rural Michigan, in a conservative, religious household. I live in rural Michigan now; although I'm neither conservative nor religious, I am surrounded by people who are one or both. Most of my extended family, or at least the most vocal among my extended family, are so far up Trump's ass they can probably see daylight when he speaks. My boss and several coworkers are similar; at least one has unironically come in to work with a MAGA hat. I've seen a lot of complaining about liberals, democrats, and the left, but I haven't heard anyone complain about the other side of the aisle in the 7+ years I've been here.
I might be in an echo chamber, but it's probably not what you were thinking.

I've changed my legal first name and have changed what I've commonly gone by a handful of times. My experience is that most people do not require any sort of explanation or understanding beyond "I'm going by [name] now, please don't call me [deadname]." and those who do aren't worth the effort.

Have you ever noticed that cis people don't have "preferred" pronouns? Yeah, neither do I.
 
@Tesset
While I cannot accept that they need to understand what you're going through before they can get your name right, it's hard to fault them for doing something they don't know not to do. It seems like "my name is [name] now" obviously implies "...so [deadname] isn't my name and you shouldn't call me that", but some people (apparently without malice) don't seem to catch the last part until it's made explicit.
I started with something like "it's really hard for me to go by [deadname]; please call me [name] instead." and that was enough for most people. A few worked up to "[bleep] this. My name is [name] and I'm out of here." If they want to pull their heads out of their asses, I'll be here... but I can't keep going back for more of the same and hoping this time will be different.

Every interaction you have with them involves them choosing which way they'll go. You just need to work out for yourself whether the chance of them improving is worth the chance of them being shitty again; your tolerance for it is going to be different from mine.
Your options aren't (or shouldn't be) limited to subjecting yourself to whatever they feel like serving up or totally breaking things off. It's okay to say "Wow, this is really upsetting and unpleasant, and I'm going to take some time away from this situation to self-soothe."

You have way more patience about this than I do. My approach lately has basically been "This is me trying to work out who to keep in my life and who wants to be here. Take it or leave it." Their ignorance sucks, but I can't fix it on my own; if/when they ever feel like doing something about it, I'll be around.

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In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their ancestors invincible. ~Samuel Adams; 1 August, 1776
There are men, in all ages, who mean to exercise power usefully; but who mean to exercise it. They mean to govern well; but they mean to govern. They promise to be kind masters; but they mean to be masters. ~Daniel Webster; 15 March, 1837


#56759
Ring_World
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You absolutely do know 'the community' because your online and talk to other trans people and have terminology that makes sense in your community. Such as deadname. Outside of your community that word literally has no meaning. Its like when some scientologist has some esoteric word for sin that literally is meanless if your not a scientologist. You absolutely do have a community, even if it is based online.

 

 

As far as your geographic community I know how incredibly frustrating it is.

 

My mom is mexican-american and my dad was blue eyed blond white. My dad wasn't in the picture so I was raised by my mother. So me and my sister look white af but were raised with a mexican-american culture and family. Regradless of that other people in my area never saw me as a latino. Me and my sister were always the white kids, and it wasn't just a school thing even people in my family acted like that.

 

So yeah I get it, the experience sucks. I get how having an identity that you hold not be accepted by the community around you can suck.

 

Its how things are, find a way to deal with it. Because your not likely to change peoples perceptions or behavior. 



#56760
Veiva
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@ Veiva I went to Georgia Tech, let me know if you have questions about it


Is it possible for me to transfer while missing some pre-reqs is my only question lol. If that's a yes, I'm confident I'd transfer in. A few of my teachers at my school went to Georgia Tech and they liked it but that was anywhere from 10-40 years ago. (One of them was talking about how the area around Georgia Tech was like "the projects" when he attended but that's no longer a problem obviously).

Seriously though, when did you go? What program were you in? How difficult were the courses? If you've been to another school, how do the courses compare at Georgia Tech? Was going to Georgia Tech over a smaller university worth it? What were the networking opportunities like while you attended?

 

I could most definitely get into NC State which would be like 1/10th the cost, but a CS degree from Georgia Tech looks a lot better than a CS degree from NC State...


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