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@muggi

I guess I should point out that there's a lot to untangle and it's kind of hard to say what's directly due to... anything. Particularly where hormones are concerned, what feels right to me probably isn't going to feel right to a cis dude.

 

That's cute Nyo :)

It's kind of a mind-[bleep], really. Coming up on 30, married for a few years, and... now I'm wondering what else I've been missing out on.

Is it purely hormonal? Does it suggest that my baseline dissociation has been stronger than we'd realized? Is it just my brain being stupid? I don't know, but you can bet your ass I'm going to ride it out.

 

I listened to this a long time ago and thought it was interesting-- was curious how it compared to your experience w/ hormones

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I need to get off of Facebook, the township page trolls keep luring me in with their stupidity...

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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picking Texas Tech to the elite 8 in memory of long inactive but not forgotten OTer and Lubbock TX person Lenticular_J, last active 2011

4 years ago I jokingly started picking Gonzaga as champion because they had the funniest name. Now they're the #1 seed in their conference. I'm proud of my goofballs that I've never actually seen play.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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New La Dispute and new Arrested Development episodes both get a thumbs up, although I wish Panorama's vocals were mixed more clearly

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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Leaving for Florida in a couple hours! So excited to see Muse on Sunday. They're my favorite band. :D

If you stop by a Publix, chicken tender subs are on sale this week

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Has anybody else seen Us yet? Just saw it last night, curious what y'all think. I have kinda mixed feelings about it which feels a little sacrilegious to me rn because all my friends and the critics seemed to love it.

[spoiler=opinions/light spoilers]

 

I thought the film was pretty technically incredible. Definitely owed a lot to old kubrick movies like the Shining but redone in a modern light. A lot of the cinematography was just gorgeous (especially the boy with the car), the music was super intense, and there were tons of moments that just felt downright stressful / skin crawly without having to get so gorey that it distracted from the effect of it.

 

However, the actual plot left a lot to be desired. I feel like every time they tried to explain what was going on it seriously took away from the tension. The first scene where lead girl's clone started explaining what was going on in her gravelly voice was so cheesy to me that I started cracking up in the theater which I really don't feel like was the desired effect. I also found I really wasn't gripped by any explanation given about the "tethered" and kind of feel like it would have been more effective with less of an explanation of what was going on. Also the twist at the end was obvious from a mile away and presenting it like it was some huge reveal kind of cheapened a lot of the ending for me.

 

I think a lot of the thematic points were interesting with how the tethered versions of the characters seemed to emphasize faults / things that were lacking with the earthly versions of themselves. It kind of felt like a commentary about how everyone grapples with insecurity about the things that they aren't and past traumas and that it's something that can completely take over your life and takes a lot of effort and active fighting to be able to move past, and if you can't you're basically just walking around dead anyways. And I thought the ending scene with all the tethered shown all over the world showed that these kinds of struggles are really something universal that everybody has to deal with, not just this family.

 

I think I definitely enjoyed Get Out more though, as I thought it was a lot more thematically interesting and conversation provoking than Us, even if Us is a lot more thrilling than Get Out was. Its definitely more of a traditional horror movie though and is a very different experience. Peele had some really interesting ideas with the movie and I definitely enjoyed it, but I feel like he just had a problem stringing his ideas together without having to fall back on more generic plot devices (all the tethered mom's dialogue, the entire twist at the end, the scene where the mom runs into the woods for no reason, etc), and that the times that it did really detracted from the experience and broke the immersion for me. I still enjoyed the movie, but the problems make it fall short of being something really special to me.

 

 

 

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Wrote my coming out letter to my parents today.

Now to spend the next few weeks looking for resources for them and rewriting the letter 6 thousand times...

[hide=Depressive family stuff]I really don't think they'll take it well. They've taken a stance of "ignore anything our child does that's even a little bit queer, because they won't listen to our 'concerns' and will get angry at us for bringing it up." And, yeah, that's about what's happened. They don't talk about me being ace/aro, and just kind of awkwardly dance around any discussion of my (non-)romantic life. They steadfastly ignore my nail polish, my earrings, my hair, any piece of self expression. They just kind of pretend I'm still the boy they tried to raise. Except when they talk to other people. Apparently my dad regularly brings up how disappointed he is in me to my brother, who has to remind him that I'm doing really well compared to most of my peers.

 

Maybe some of it's my fault, because I don't want to put up with their crap. They don't have power they're willing to exercise over me anymore, so I'm not going to back down from who I am, and they know that. And it's either they don't talk about it, or I get angry and don't talk to them. I don't know a way to express myself in a way that they don't feel like they're being attacked, and they don't know how to push back without me feeling attacked. And, because I'm getting less out this relationship now, I have the power, so they compromise on not making me upset.

 

God, that sounded really manipulative. That's not the goal, I just want to be who I am. And because of their biases, my choice is either to do so unapologetically and accept no abuse for it, or to pretend to be someone else around them. I refuse to do the latter any more. I don't think that's manipulation, at least not in an abusive sense...

 

In any case, this isn't like coming out as ace. They can't just ignore it, can't just stop talking about some aspect of my life. Coming out as trans is going to require them to either refer to me as Tes, with all that entails, or to actively hurt me. And I'm probably not going to stick around if they aren't at least trying. So, I think this is going to be hard for them, and I don't know a way to make it easier without staying in the closet the rest of my life.[/hide]

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My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off

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Chica, you got this.

 

[hide]

I really don't think they'll take it well.

Honestly, that's on them. You're offering a genuine connection, possibly for the first time, and how they respond to that says nothing at all about you. If they don't take it well, that's their problem (and, frankly, their loss).

 

They've taken a stance of "ignore anything our child does that's even a little bit queer, because they won't listen to our 'concerns' and will get angry at us for bringing it up." And, yeah, that's about what's happened. They don't talk about me being ace/aro, and just kind of awkwardly dance around any discussion of my (non-)romantic life. They steadfastly ignore my nail polish, my earrings, my hair, any piece of self expression. They just kind of pretend I'm still the boy they tried to raise. Except when they talk to other people. Apparently my dad regularly brings up how disappointed he is in me to my brother, who has to remind him that I'm doing really well compared to most of my peers.

They've got this idea of you, or of who they think you could have been, and they're doing an incredibly poor job of adjusting to reality. That's not on you, that's on their attachment to their own fantasies.

 

Pay special attention for focus-shifting, making it about them and how their ideal son being different from their actual daughter affects or hurts them. That's not what this conversation is for. If it comes, just know it's bullshit no matter how much it hurts in the moment. They might be hurting too, but it's a self-inflicted hurt in their case, and I have little sympathy.

 

I'm guessing dad isn't big on introspection, but it sounds like your brother is at least a little supportive. Any chance he's in a position to get your father to explore his feelings and their sources? Maybe you could, but I worry that it might lead to a blow-up, which would be pretty much the opposite of helpful.

 

Maybe some of it's my fault, because I don't want to put up with their crap.

Don't you dare, Tes. Not one damnable piece of this is your fault; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Seriously, look at the reason you gave to suggest that it might be. They're bringing crap to the table, and it's not your crap to shovel. If they value the relationship, if they value you, they can do whatever self-work they need to do and start acting like it.

 

They don't have power they're willing to exercise over me anymore, so I'm not going to back down from who I am, and they know that. And it's either they don't talk about it, or I get angry and don't talk to them. I don't know a way to express myself in a way that they don't feel like they're being attacked, and they don't know how to push back without me feeling attacked. And, because I'm getting less out this relationship now, I have the power, so they compromise on not making me upset.

Being the parent of an adult is pretty different from being the parent of a child, and lots of people are better at one or the other. Some people really struggle with the transition, and it comes pretty naturally to others. The power dynamic shifts toward equality once you remove dependency, so don't feel like you have total control over it and don't feel bad for exercising the power you do have. It's not tyranny on your part, it's just a more balanced relationship.

 

You're still walking on eggshells to express [your]self in a way that they don't feel like they're being attacked, and you shouldn't have to. You're presenting truths about yourself and your experiences, and that alone cannot be an attack. Not ever. You're not imposing, so there's nothing for them to push back against. Don't expect that to stop them from trying, just know what's really happening when they do.

 

Relationships should, generally, benefit those involved. If it's not working that way, I say give them a chance to miss you. It sucks, especially when you're missing the support an adult should be able to count on from their parents, but at least you're not getting your hand slapped away for it.

 

God, that sounded really manipulative. That's not the goal, I just want to be who I am. And because of their biases, my choice is either to do so unapologetically and accept no abuse for it, or to pretend to be someone else around them. I refuse to do the latter any more. I don't think that's manipulation, at least not in an abusive sense...

Honestly, it doesn't.

 

I'd usually caution against all-or-nothing thinking, but the first option there really sounds like the way to go. Just be ready to sever the relationship if it comes to that; don't half-ass it and show them that you're actually okay with their continuing bullshit.

 

In any case, this isn't like coming out as ace. They can't just ignore it, can't just stop talking about some aspect of my life. Coming out as trans is going to require them to either refer to me as Tes, with all that entails, or to actively hurt me. And I'm probably not going to stick around if they aren't at least trying. So, I think this is going to be hard for them, and I don't know a way to make it easier without staying in the closet the rest of my life.

If they're not willing to have a relationship with you, to have a part in your real life, you're under no obligation to indulge their fantasies and give them the illusion of it.

 

Family is more than blood, and blood doesn't make a family. (If you're adopted, s/blood/legal filiation/ as appropriate)

 

--

Maybe a little inappropriate, but are your parents narcissistic or high-conflict people in general?

[/hide]

 

Yeah, most of this I agree with, and I know at least intellectually. My post was...a little melodramatic. Lots of emotions yesterday, writing that letter.

 

One way or the other, I'll be alright. We've been drifting apart for a long time, so if the worst happens, honestly, I'm more than prepared to sever ties with them. Just...sad to think about the Christmases I'll lose, that's all.

 

But thank you. I needed to hear all that again.

 

Good luck, Tess! Of my family, only my brother knows I'm non-binary. The rest will take it poorly at best. Hope it works out better for you!

Yeah, it really feels like it should be easier for enbies, especially if they don't plan on medically transitioning (which is not to comment on your situation, just was the case for the person I knew). But I've seen how it can go, and it's rough. I wish you luck in at least finding someone in your family who will support you. Or, finding another one that will, however it works out.
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My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off

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NJ was supposed to vote on rec/decrim marijuana use today and pass but they canceled the vote last minute to try to acquire more support after November elections.

 

Pissed.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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