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Yeah I'm sorry to hear that Saq, but at least she's no longer suffering

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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how do you learn to love yourself

 

and not think you deserve to suffer, and in fact, deserve to suffer more because you're a worthless piece of shit

 

btw it's not alcohol that triggers me it's other people being happy i guess because I had nothing to drink tonight

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It's definitely something you have to work at. I know you've been seeing a therapist, maybe they could guide you in a more professional direction.

 

Personally I used to think "inspiring" Instagrams were cheesy and dumb, but this girl I went to college with eventually did get her doctorate and kind of slowly transitioned her Instagram into a more motivational/pro-love kind of space, and you know what? Some of those posts really do make me feel better; so I tell you what- If you have an Instagram or Twitter or something, just as a bandaid if nothing else; start following one of those inspiration pages. It's honestly a nice break from all the other B.S. on my feeds, maybe it can help you a bit too

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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Veiva, that's something that I struggle with myself. Its slowly started to get better, but honestly still has a fair way to go.

 

The first thing is to change your inner monologue. In my case I can see the contrast because, as an example, someone gets a challenging question wrong or throws an answer out there? Good job, think that might be right, etc... I do the same thing? Internal monologue now but its not as nice things, just going to not post them because someone somewhere would find it offensive, but its very negative. Just changing this monologue that's going on all the time, is really hard. You've taught your brain to think this way and it doesn't really want to change easily so you need to be mindful.

 

Then you need to congratulate yourself. Big thing with me is someone does something above and beyond? Or even just unexpected? I'll thank them profusely and be super grateful for it or at least praiseful. Same thing by me? No big deal. Its expected. Probably could have done it better. Oh that one mistake you made, major deal.

 

Finally, and this is a short and in no way comprehensive list that might not even ring true for you, you need to realise that you are only seeing slivers of peoples lives. Most people are very selective in what they share in public and some even have full on public faces. All those people that were partying around you and being happy? They're drunk, maybe to cover up or get away from how they really feel.

 

To add on to what RPG said and kind of tie in with what I said, its a total mind thing. Following an inspirational instagram can be cool, lots of good quotes and stories, but you may still need that mindshit or mindfulness to actually take it in and appreciate it instead of scoffing at it or just reading without gaining a message.

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how do you learn to love yourself

 

and not think you deserve to suffer, and in fact, deserve to suffer more because you're a worthless piece of shit

Sincerely Veiva, I think you're incredibly talented. I know, from personal experience, that it can be hard to appreciate your own hard won skills when you live with them every day, when you get used to those skills and don't see any new ones shining through. And it's hard to take steps back and recognize those talents, especially when you know enough in a discipline to know how much you don't. But, it's important to do so, and to recognize the things you bring to the world and to other people's lives. Especially when you're feeling low.

 

I suspect that you and I would agree about the intrinsic worth of human life. That no matter how much an individual is able to contribute "value" to a capitalistic society, people have worth and deserve to live. Just for existing. And I think that's relevant here. You're worthwhile, regardless of your inconsequential effect on the GDP, or on society, or whatever arbitrary metric you're measuring yourself with.

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off

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Being honest, I haven't really found love for myself yet. I know I will, but I'm just not there yet.

 

What I've done is that I'm focusing on myself career wise. Trying to build myself up from the bottom will give me a solid foundation for any relationships or anything else I want to build. e.g. I originally wanted to become a physician, but at this point in my life it's probably better to move towards becoming a nurse practitioner instead. Less years of stress and I can start my career sooner.

 

--

 

I had a strange dream last night. It featured a girl who used to bully me throughout high school but ironically she was chair of the "anti-bullying" committee at the school. I still laugh at the irony to this day.

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And my mum died this morning. So much for coming home.

I'm sorry to hear that. There's nothing anyone here can say that will make this better, but I hope they did everything they could to make her comfortable in her final days, and that she died peacefully.

 

Today I was laid off from my job.

A big company bought my organisation, fired half the team.

They plan to fire the other half next  year after they get the remaining staff to integrate our projects into their own portfolio.

Hello Maddy! I'm also sorry to hear your bad news. The experience you've gained will make you a worthy candidate for other organisations who'll appreciate your worth, don't worry about that. Enjoy Italy--if you're going to Rome, it's a beautfiul city.

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Does anyone here have any recommendations for apps that help with counting/tracking calories? I'm getting fat lmao. I know my issue is overeating. 

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“I had a feeling we weren’t coming back from this fight when it began.”

“Do you have any regrets?”

“I don’t. It seems surprising, I know, but I wouldn’t change a thing. This is how it was meant to be.”

“Huh, you never really notice how lovely the day is until you realize you’ll never see it again.”

“Mmmhmm.”

 

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Does anyone here have any recommendations for apps that help with counting/tracking calories? I'm getting fat lmao. I know my issue is overeating.

I used to use myfitnesspal, but it got packed full of ads and froze my phone all the time. now I use fatsecret which I find better

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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And my mum died this morning. So much for coming home.

I'm sorry to hear that, Saq. Sorry I didn't get a chance to post earlier.

"Fight for what you believe in, and believe in what you're fighting for." Can games be art?

---

 

 

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My blog here if you want to check out my Times articles and other writings! I always appreciate comments/feedback.

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Not sure if it's just hints of little regrets from a relatively short life stirred up by reading a sobering blog post, or something outside of that. Regardless, I'm having what I guess is an existential crisis thinking about the choices I have made to this point and the overall fragile mortality of life.

 

I'm sure in the morning I'm going to wake up back to my relatively bullet proof and carefree existence where pain and suffering seem far away and something that hardly ever affects me, but for now my mind is travelling the path of retrospect and trying to follow the path into the future where I'm uncertain what choices to make.

 

Add to this a really, completely bleeped dream I had last night. Actually, not a dream but an almost realistic nightmare that I legitimately woke from surprised that it wasn't reality. Something I've been pondering for meaning all day but sadly fits into this existential crisis.

 

Too top all of this off I've also created another, very real, situation for myself due to lack of action that I'm not sure I'll ever resolve but will have to sit on for at least the next month. Again, young and relatively inexperienced and I'm sure that it's a passing fancy, that most of you TIF readers out there would tell me not to worry about or that I'll get over it regardless of thoughts now. However, I think for the first time I've truly kind of fallen in love with a person. Maybe its just an infatuation, but it feels different from previous times when legitimately I could tell I was attracted to the person, and they were cool/nice to hang out with but it just feels different.

 

Moreso, because of a lack of action I have no idea if these feelings are reciprocated or even a thought in the mind of this individual. I have my hunch, and I hope a good one, that this person might also share some feelings, but I've allowed things to pass and fear them slipping away.

 

As absolutely ridiculous and "Disney" as it is to think about, especially because I know realistically it's not true, this is almost one of those situations where if "the one" exists I may have found them.

 

That all being said, I know that realistically I'm placing this person on a pedestal of perfection they could probably never live up to and creating a fantasy in my mind that could never be true. I know that given my age and experience it's super unlikely that any of what I write is true or lasts for longer than a couple of months. I'm almost definitely just feeling an infatuation that will go away, a case of "oneitis" that probably isn't going to be reciprocated and definitely never will if I stay an afraid chump and make no moves.

 

However, the chemical signals in my brain, the complicated wiring of my neurons is telling me all of these feelings despite the objective knowledge I have and have stated here right now. I know that really, a lot of this is just being almost childish to say and believe, but I still believe it and have that feeling in my gut when thinking about it. Something I'll dwell on over the next month and try to "overcome" although that's not quite the word I really want to use.

 

I guess the big thing is that for a person who rarely feels truely strong emotions and, whether healthy or not, has built up walls of "protection" around my inner self with a ton of deflective mechanisms and clever traps in my mind to collect feelings. I truly feel like ripping it all down and laying myself bare with my emotions and feelings to this person. Not to tear down a section of the wall or let loose a sliver as I've done with many friends and even strangers to help connect. But to truly open the gates and let them in to see everything, but find myself reacting out of habit with what I have built already. I think that's what scares me, a weird phrase to use but one that most adequately describes my emotions about it.

 

 

And now for the part where I say sorry for the long post, more of a mind dump really that I don't expect anyone to have to read and may go back and delete later. I just needed a cathartic release in a relatively anonymous setting to express these emotions, fears, and realizations along with writing them down to help myself understand them better.

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Certainly won't get any judgement from me about venting on TIF haha

 

I can only encourage you to open up and act more freely as yourself, otherwise you're only living in a self created prison. And who wants to live like that?

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Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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I think we all use this place to vent. And I quite like the long reads.

 

However, you gotta give this thing a shot, otherwise you'll regret it. You only regret lost chances.

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So I've noticed this thread's regulars all follow similar trends.

 

RPG is constantly dealing with psycho exes.

Muggi reminds us of the joys of polygamy.

Saq is totally oblivious to how much chicks dig him.

I strike out every other week.

Kalphite wages a war against the friend zone.

Randox pretty much stays rational.

Etc, etc

 

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I think we all use this place to vent. And I quite like the long reads.

 

However, you gotta give this thing a shot, otherwise you'll regret it. You only regret lost chances.

This is incredibly untrue as a general statement. I don't have a single regret for not doing things, but I regret basically every action I've ever taken.

 

This post being unrelated to any specifics of Bonez's situation. I just hate that phrase.

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off

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Obviously regret is subjective, but if I learn or grow from an experience, I hardly think calling it regrettable is appropriate

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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