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Prologue of my Work in Progress


Dexek

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hmmm, seems like it's going to be interesting. Some crazy all powerful mage, huh. sounds like there's going to be some unlikely warrior hero, who was first a loser and then finds some sword or something, and then builds courage and power and smites him. It'll be nice to read the rest.

This is where they want I should sign?

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Good luck on the grant.

 

 

 

That is good. I have read a lot of stories by friends and classmates at school and such. This one is only equaled by the things I have read by my girlfriend (I don't like hers just because she's my girlfriend either :P). The details and image you set in my mind were outstanding. I'm glad I came to read it, and now look forward to more of it.

 

 

 

[hide=I like these]

It seemed as though they could walk through the stone wall that surrounded the city without breaking pace.

 

Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core.
[/hide]

 

=D>

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Thanks for the comments. I am considering going over the whole story once it complete and being more descriptive, but I don't want to add so much description that it takes away from the storyline. I liked that you gave examples of what caught your eye, Spoofer. It really helps to know what interests or irritates a reader so I can can continue or discontinue with something. ::'

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Prose is rather jerky due to it being for the most part a conglomeration of simple sentences with a clause or phrase thrown in. You need to break them up more with commas (don't abuse them though) so that the reader doesn't fly through the sentence and run smack into this thing: .

 

 

 

The prose also gets a bit purple in places:

 

 

 

His hands were tied behind his back and his ankles were tied at the tendons.

 

 

 

His ankles were tied. That's all you need to say.

 

 

 

The large blade of the wicked device remained suspended in the air as though it was an angel of death.

 

 

 

The way this is worded makes it innefective. It assumes we already know what an angel of death is and looks like. It's also incredibly cliche.

 

 

 

the smug smile still present on his visage.

 

 

 

I could let this go, but there are myriad ways you could have worded it to make it sound better and more flowing.

 

 

 

Any unpleasant words that they wished to speak against the prisoner were swallowed like fetid meat.

 

 

 

The use of 'fetid' is totally superfluous and doesn't make a whole lot of sense besides.

 

 

 

dictated the man.

 

 

 

Since you already established that he was speaking, this is unneeded. If you must keep it, use 'said.' Nothing wrong with the word 'said.'

 

 

 

[Last Paragraph]

 

 

 

You need to work on action scenes. The previously mentioned jerky prose made this whole paragraph feel awkward and lent a really boring atmosphere to a scene that should be exciting and dynamic. Shorter sentences should be employed, and active voice should be prevalent.

 

 

 

One last thing:

 

 

 

The prisoner noticed that mud was quickly accumulating on his worn boots and could feel his legs becoming heavier with each step taken by the guards.

 

 

 

Parallelism. This should read: "The prisoner noticed that the mud was quickly accumulating on his worn boots and that his legs were becoming heavier with each step taken by the guards." Better yet, make it two sentences and work on wording, but for a gramatically correct sntence that is how it should read.

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Thanks for the comments, NOM. I agree with the comments listed near the end of your critique, so I may consider some change to that portion. Although, I will not make any changes to this posted piece, but rather the document itself. ::'

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No problem.

 

 

 

My connection was being uncooperative and I forgot to add that you did a good job with the atmosphere and the word choice generally made the scene unpleasant, which incites sympathy for the prisoner. Even if he turns out to be an arrogant uber-power.

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I decided to re-post the prologue with a bit of quick editing. I will go back later and edit it some more, but after NOM's helpful advice I did notice quite a few errors when I read it back to myself. There are likely still some, but hopefully the current version will shy less people away from reading it. ::'

 

 

 

Also, the un-edited version is posted at the bottom of the story if anyone wants to read that to compare. Thanks again.

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Pure, this is very, very well written so far, and I have a feeling that the story will be amazing if it keeps up like this. What I especially liked was the way that you gave fairly vivid first impressions of certain characters with very little description, which I thought was interesting. For example, the man clad in red and black robes was described:

 

 

 

He carried himself as though the blood that coursed through his veins could cure any illness.

 

 

 

This immediately gave me the impression that he, possibly being of a certain important rank and maybe a direct adviser/reporter to the king, has a very arrogant air about him. I feel like this is a strong point in your writing because it allows readers to get a feel about the characters early on without having to learn too much about them in particular, which provides opportunities for evolving characters later on in the story. I also read the unedited version after reading NOM's comments about it, and I think you've made some very nice changes, which, overall makes for a better piece. Great job on this, and keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more. :thumbsup:

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It's great. I only have one problem. You're to descriptive.

 

 

 

Maybe it's just me but this part doesn't work.

 

 

 

Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core.

 

 

 

"And dampen their core." It's unnecessary.

 

 

 

 

 

Your description of the characters are great.

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Nice adjectives ::' really describes whats going on and helps create a clear picture, might be like the 5th story/book i actually read :thumbsup:

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WOW. Very interesting story =P~ .

 

The executioner took hold of the frayed rope that held the deadly blade in position. The executioner glanced in the direction of the elegantly dressed man of lean stature. Signaled by a nod of the head, the executioner

 

In this part you overuse "the executioner". i don't know how you would re-write it though =/

 

 

 

muttered a phrase under his breath and vanished as if he was never there

 

nothing wrong with that but you could have made it a more dramatic exit. Since it is magic you could have made him fade away into nothingness or poof in a puff of smoke, then describe said smoke.

 

 

 

I look forward to reading the rest.

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Thanks for all the comments.

 

 

 

Heh, yeah Dark. I have been attempting to think of other ways to label the executioner, but have come up with very little that would not be potentially confusing.

 

 

 

I tried to fix it. \'

 

 

 

 

 

The executioner took hold of the frayed rope that held the deadly blade in position and then glanced in the direction of the elegantly clad man. Signaled by a nod of the head, the slayer of men knew what had to be done.

 

 

 

I'll fix the exit scene this evening as well. :thumbsup:

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Wow Pure, good job here. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, although I noticed parts that I liked, and parts that could be improved. I by no means am an expert writer, and have little to no experience, but my writing teacher loves my essays for some reason. \'

 

 

 

[hide=I Liked (Contains Some Critique)]

The crowd heckled a man as he was dragged by two guards through the muddy streets of the city. Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core. The weakened prisoner was unmistakably handsome, even in his current state. His head rolled from side to side as the guards supported his weight while taking their slow and synchronized steps. Voices of the civilians, like the rain itself, could be heard from all sides.

 

 

 

This is an excellent starting paragraph, giving me a third person commentary view from what seems to be near the front of the crowd. I enjoyed how you appealed to my senses, the first sentance and the second italicized section are sweet calls to my ears. Now onto the italicized sentances. The first section was done very well, it helped me feel the atmosphere around the area. The second was an amazing analogy between the crowd's chants and the rain's downpour.

 

 

 

They howled with enough emotion to make any onlooker join their tirade. Vile words and phrases smothered the prisoner of the city as if to replace the very air that he breathed. His stomach knotted tightly and he felt as though he would vomit. In an attempt to escape the cursed phrases, the prisoner observed his restraints. His hands were tied behind his back with a sinewy bond. A similar knot restrained his ankles so he would be unable to run away once he reached his destination. The prisoner realized that mud was quickly accumulating on his worn boots and his legs were becoming heavier with each step taken by the guards.

 

 

 

Another good paragraph, leading out with more ear-food. The next sentance follows up with a feeling of sickness, which brings you about to the condition of the prisoner. After that, we move to our first piece of 'eye-candy', as our prisoner observes his bondings. In my personal opinion, it comes a little late, although I do realize you appeal more to our eyes in the later parts. We move back to our character's condition, and feel our feet sink down onto the floor as his boots collect mud. (As a hiker, I know that exact feeling. \' ) Italics: As I have asthma, I could relate really well to the prisoner here. I also loved how you're combining your atmospheric elements together.

 

 

 

The added weight did not deter the guards. It seemed as though they could walk through the stone wall that surrounded the city without breaking pace. Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd. The crowd suddenly cheered when they saw that the prisoner was being dragged towards the wooden stand that housed guillotine and not the usual rock pit where the captives of the city were forced to work.

 

Let me tell ya' this: Walking through walls is a sure way to describe an unbreaking military pace. =D>

 

In the sentance where the prisoner voices his concerns to the guards, it gives a good amount of information about the decibals of the crowd which feeds us more ear-food. And yes! In the fourth sentance we finally have a depiction of the scene, not just the atmosphere. A gee-ah-teen!

 

 

 

The guillotine, composed entirely of poplar boughs, stood tall in the cold rain. The large blade of the wicked device remained suspended in the air as though it was awaiting the chance to pounce upon unsuspecting prey. A burly man positioned himself near the guillotine; a grim black hood concealing his features. This man was the executioner, a minion of the blade. The executioner carried a large watermelon over to the guillotine and placed it in the area that had too often been home to the head of a prisoner.

 

 

 

This follow-up describes the guillotine and the operator, it's quite good all-in-all. I laughed when you wrote "Watermelon", maybe in the next section, the execution should be more gruesome. \'

 

 

 

The executioner stepped away, holding the rope that would trigger the releasing mechanism. With a swift tug of the rope, the device released and the blade plummeted along guides of the machine. It struck the large, green piece of produce below. Rather than slicing the watermelon clean in half, to expose its pink entrails, the cutting edge stuck half-way into the fruit. It was obvious that the decapitation device had not been sharpened as it usually was, and that the king wanted to cause this man all the pain in the world. The crowd roared with satisfaction as they saw the sight. The guards towed the convict up the steps of the stand that was home to the guillotine. The restrained man was forced to his knees as if to bow before the heinous machine. A priest stepped forward out of the unbridled crowd and slowly climbed up the stairs. He shuffled over to where the offender knelt and dropped to one knee. The messenger of god whispered an incoherent phrase into the ear of the prisoner and smiled. The priest then quickly stepped back and stood alongside the guards, the smug smile still present on his aged face.

 

 

 

Action, and mystery! I wonder what the priest said to the prisoner. It gets my mind asking questions.

 

So yes, the execution of the watermelon is quite gruesome, but I think it could be more morbid. I hope that's not just me, haha. It would also 'up' the suspense, which is always a plus.

 

 

 

A lean man dressed in elegantly red-trimmed black robes stepped onto the wooden stand. He carried himself as though the blood that coursed through his veins could cure any illness. The man calmly raised a slender hand in the air. The simple movement caused the crowd to become immediately silent. Any unpleasant words that they wished to speak against the prisoner were swallowed. The only sound to be heard for what seemed like an eternity was the rain pelting against the earth, forever shaping the land. The droning reverberation of the rain was suddenly interrupted by the strong words of the gracefully dressed figure. Durahm Rovier, son of none, you are to be sentenced to death by orders of the king of Arbinax.

 

 

 

I can't find anything wrong with this one, and once again I enjoyed what italicized.

 

 

 

The man of rich black and red motioned to the executioner. The would-be slayer of men kicked Durahm in the back, forcing him to rest his neck on the worn outline carved into the wooden base of the guillotine. The executioner took hold of the frayed rope that held the deadly blade in position and then glanced in the direction of the elegantly clad man. Signaled by a nod of the head, the slayer of men knew what had to be done. He released the rope, and the blade flew down, only to stop abruptly half-way from the destination. The crowd of people that had gathered seemed to all gasp simultaneously. The executioner gazed at the blade with a puzzled look and even attempted to push it down with his full body weight. The blade didnt move an inch. It seemed that the sharp blade was held airborne by a higher power. Durahm lifted his head and chuckled. The ropes that were binding his hands and legs split and fell to the ground as if they were cut by an invisible knife. As Durahm rose to his feet the two guards that had dragged him through the streets attempted to jump on him in order to apprehend him. As they leapt into the air it seemed as that they would land directly on their target, but they did not reach Durahm. They had jumped at him only to be caught in mid-air by some magical force. Durahm turned to the crowd who still stared in utter disbelief. It seems as though my punishment shall be postponed on account of rain. He bowed cockily to the horde of open-mouthed townsfolk, muttered a phrase under his breath and vanished as if he was never there. As soon as Durahm was gone the guillotine fell to its resting place with a dull thud and the two floating guards crashed to the floor of the stand. The priest also fell to the floor, his legs giving out under the weight that was bestowed upon them. With a cold blank stare on his face it was obvious that he was dead. The entire crowd was dumbfounded by the display of magic that they saw from who they had thought to be a weak link in their society. A bone chilling scream emitted from the mouth of the man with the elegant black attire. Alert the king! The prisoner has escaped!

 

 

 

This paragraph pulled me through so fast, it's quite action packed. Although, it pulled me through so fast I missed the bolded part, which might be critical. I enjoyed the italicized sentance even though the last period of the paragraph was extorting it's gravitational forces upon me. A little wit doesn't harm anything, good job.[/hide]

 

 

 

[hide=I Disliked]

The crowd heckled a man as he was dragged by two guards through the muddy streets of the city. Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core. The weakened prisoner was unmistakably handsome, even in his current state. His head rolled from side to side as the guards supported his weight while taking their slow and synchronized steps. Voices of the civilians, like the rain itself, could be heard from all sides. They howled with enough emotion to make any onlooker join their tirade. Vile words and phrases smothered the prisoner of the city as if to replace the very air that he breathed. His stomach knotted tightly and he felt as though he would vomit. In an attempt to escape the cursed phrases, the prisoner observed his restraints. His hands were tied behind his back with a sinewy bond. A similar knot restrained his ankles so he would be unable to run away once he reached his destination. The prisoner realized that mud was quickly accumulating on his worn boots and his legs were becoming heavier with each step taken by the guards. The added weight did not deter the guards. It seemed as though they could walk through the stone wall that surrounded the city without breaking pace. Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd. The crowd suddenly cheered when they saw that the prisoner was being dragged towards the wooden stand that housed guillotine and not the usual rock pit where the captives of the city were forced to work.

 

 

 

"The crowd heckled". I may be wrong, but I think that focuses on the crowd too much as a main object. Try something like, "A [adjective] crowd heckled" or just "A crowd heckled".

 

Also, maybe a sentance describing the area, not just the atmosphere. Eye-candy is great. \'

 

 

 

The guillotine, composed entirely of poplar boughs, stood tall in the cold rain. The large blade of the wicked device remained suspended in the air as though it was awaiting the chance to pounce upon unsuspecting prey. A burly man positioned himself near the guillotine; a grim black hood concealing his features. This man was the executioner, a minion of the blade. The executioner carried a large watermelon over to the guillotine and placed it in the area that had too often been home to the head of a prisoner. The executioner stepped away, holding the rope that would trigger the releasing mechanism. With a swift tug of the rope, the device released and the blade plummeted along guides of the machine. It struck the large, green piece of produce below. Rather than slicing the watermelon clean in half, to expose its pink entrails, the cutting edge stuck half-way into the fruit. It was obvious that the decapitation device had not been sharpened as it usually was, and that the king wanted to cause this man all the pain in the world. The crowd roared with satisfaction as they saw the sight. The guards towed the convict up the steps of the stand that was home to the guillotine. The restrained man was forced to his knees as if to bow before the heinous machine. A priest stepped forward out of the unbridled crowd and slowly climbed up the stairs. He shuffled over to where the offender knelt and dropped to one knee. The messenger of god whispered an incoherent phrase into the ear of the prisoner and smiled. The priest then quickly stepped back and stood alongside the guards, the smug smile still present on his aged face.

 

 

 

So yeah. Two things here, one, "The executioner" needs to not be repeated as much, but I think you already changed that? Not quite sure. Second, as mentioned before, the mention of a watermelon in such a heavy situation made me laugh. Maybe it's just me, but I think the execution should be more descript.

 

 

 

A lean man dressed in elegantly red-trimmed black robes stepped onto the wooden stand. He carried himself as though the blood that coursed through his veins could cure any illness. The man calmly raised a slender hand in the air. The simple movement caused the crowd to become immediately silent. Any unpleasant words that they wished to speak against the prisoner were swallowed. The only sound to be heard for what seemed like an eternity was the rain pelting against the earth, forever shaping the land. The droning reverberation of the rain was suddenly interrupted by the strong words of the gracefully dressed figure. Durahm Rovier, son of none, you are to be sentenced to death by orders of the king of Arbinax.

 

 

 

The man of rich black and red motioned to the executioner. The would-be slayer of men kicked Durahm in the back, forcing him to rest his neck on the worn outline carved into the wooden base of the guillotine. The executioner took hold of the frayed rope that held the deadly blade in position and then glanced in the direction of the elegantly clad man. Signaled by a nod of the head, the slayer of men knew what had to be done. He released the rope, and the blade flew down, only to stop abruptly half-way from the destination. The crowd of people that had gathered seemed to all gasp simultaneously. The executioner gazed at the blade with a puzzled look and even attempted to push it down with his full body weight. The blade didnt move an inch. It seemed that the sharp blade was held airborne by a higher power. Durahm lifted his head and chuckled. The ropes that were binding his hands and legs split and fell to the ground as if they were cut by an invisible knife. As Durahm rose to his feet the two guards that had dragged him through the streets attempted to jump on him in order to apprehend him. As they leapt into the air it seemed as that they would land directly on their target, but they did not reach Durahm. They had jumped at him only to be caught in mid-air by some magical force. Durahm turned to the crowd who still stared in utter disbelief. It seems as though my punishment shall be postponed on account of rain. He bowed cockily to the horde of open-mouthed townsfolk, muttered a phrase under his breath and vanished as if he was never there. As soon as Durahm was gone the guillotine fell to its resting place with a dull thud and the two floating guards crashed to the floor of the stand. The priest also fell to the floor, his legs giving out under the weight that was bestowed upon them. With a cold blank stare on his face it was obvious that he was dead. The entire crowd was dumbfounded by the display of magic that they saw from who they had thought to be a weak link in their society. A bone chilling scream emitted from the mouth of the man with the elegant black attire. Alert the king! The prisoner has escaped!

 

 

 

The only thing about this chunk, is that the second paragraph might flow too fast. I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, and if their was vital information within it that the reader might miss, but yeah.[/hide]

 

Very nice overall.

 

 

 

Oh-oh revelation! I was wondering why the prisoner didn't just teleport away at first if not for publicity.

 

Then I recalled the priest saying something to him? Passing on a message perhaps? But then, he killed the priest. Perhaps the priest only played a minor role? Or the priest didn't pass on a message to him, and just said something spiteful. Thus giving reason for the prisoner to kill the priest. Of course, we're assuming the prisoner is contained by reason. ;)

 

 

 

Great job, I hope you get your college grant. ::'

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Interesting none-the-less Tractor. well planed, unique name, well placed words to give imagery and above all the little rain joke towards the end. ::'

 

 

 

However!! no referance to magical Teapots, Man-Eating Bunnys and nothing about the Knights of Nii. (Monty Python Quotes) \'

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Let's have a look at your first few sentences.

 

 

 

The crowd heckled a man as he was dragged by two guards through the muddy streets of the city.

 

Bold: If you want to focus attention on this person, use "the" instead of "a". Otherwise, the sentence sounds passive and weak.

 

 

 

Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core.

 

Eloquent, maybe poignant, but really unnecessary. "Rain hammered on rooftops" would give you close to the same effect for far less words.

 

 

 

The weakened prisoner was unmistakably handsome, even in his current state. His head rolled from side to side as the guards supported his weight while taking their slow and synchronized steps.

 

Bold: Don't tell us that he's weakened. Show us. Since you're doing a bit of that in the next sentence, don't say it here.

 

Italic: "Rolled" suggests a movement that is detached from the body, like he's been beheaded. Maybe the word you're looking for is "lolled".

 

Underline: "[comma] the guards supporting his weight, taking slow, synchronised steps" would give more of a sense of immediacy, and paces the sentence so that it doesn't seem to drone on.

 

 

 

Mostly, your problems are coming from using too many words. Remember that you're trying to tell a story, not wax poetic. Don't use many words when you can use few. Don't use big words when you can use short ones for the same effect.

 

 

 

And for the love of whatever god you worship, don't use a bloody thesaurus.

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I agree with... pere? dunno the watermelon was like wah? mebbe I'm just morbid but I'd like to have seen another person get cut up and have to be hacked at a few times...

 

Oh and you should send the rest of it to me :thumbsup:

 

 

 

Just for the part you've put out so far, it seems like a gritty and magical in a David Eddings kinda way without getting ott. Use less big words so Ppl Lieks Me An Matt Can Read It Pls. Uhm

The guillotine, composed entirely of poplar boughs, stood tall in the cold rain.
that means wood right? Like every single guillotine ever made ever...? Just seems unnecessary(sp?)

 

 

 

Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd.
I thought this was a good opportunity for speech in the prologue, I'm not too sure on the 'rules' of prologues but I'd like to see this hero(?) guy talking.

 

 

 

It seemed as though they could walk through the stone wall that surrounded the city without breaking pace. Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd.
Makes them sound like superheros or something and then they can't do jack to stop him escaping, maybe make them seem more human? (This is your masterpiece feel free to snap me back to reality)

 

 

 

This man was the executioner, a minion of the blade. The executioner carried a large watermelon over to the guillotine and placed it in the area that had too often been home to the head of a prisoner. The executioner stepped away,
Maybe make this in one sentence to stop the overuse of the executioner?

 

 

 

 

 

The other thing that didn't really make sense to me is that he waited until he was at the guillotine then he used his rain voodoo to escape, maybe hold off on the cool rain falling line thing until then which would give his little one liner more punch and make more sense to me.

 

 

 

Use more commas and write more often :D

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[hide=Zonorhc]

Let's have a look at your first few sentences.

 

 

 

The crowd heckled a man as he was dragged by two guards through the muddy streets of the city.

 

Bold: If you want to focus attention on this person, use "the" instead of "a". Otherwise, the sentence sounds passive and weak.

 

 

 

Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core.

 

Eloquent, maybe poignant, but really unnecessary. "Rain hammered on rooftops" would give you close to the same effect for far less words.

 

 

 

The weakened prisoner was unmistakably handsome, even in his current state. His head rolled from side to side as the guards supported his weight while taking their slow and synchronized steps.

 

Bold: Don't tell us that he's weakened. Show us. Since you're doing a bit of that in the next sentence, don't say it here.

 

Italic: "Rolled" suggests a movement that is detached from the body, like he's been beheaded. Maybe the word you're looking for is "lolled".

 

Underline: "[comma] the guards supporting his weight, taking slow, synchronised steps" would give more of a sense of immediacy, and paces the sentence so that it doesn't seem to drone on.

 

 

 

Mostly, your problems are coming from using too many words. Remember that you're trying to tell a story, not wax poetic. Don't use many words when you can use few. Don't use big words when you can use short ones for the same effect.

 

 

 

And for the love of whatever god you worship, don't use a bloody thesaurus.

[/hide]

 

 

 

I actually wanted to focus the attention more on the crowd than the man at the start. I was hoping to show that something important must be happening for so many people to wander into the rain just to shout at a criminal. Thanks though. ::'

 

 

 

Thank you for the comment about the criminal. I do definitely need to do more showing and less telling. Also, you were right. Lolled was the word that I needed. :thumbsup:

 

 

 

I do notice that I am using too many words when writing this current piece. I think it comes from not writing anything aside from short sentences on Runescape for the past 6 months. Here people can use more of their imagination. On Runescape a person has to be told something to believe it. Hopefully I can kick the habit after a few chapters. I also agree against using thesaurus's. It could create a bad habit of using words that you aren't familar with, and with that using them in the wrong context.

 

 

 

I enjoyed your comments. Any and all future comments are welcome. \'

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=JRD111]

I agree with... pere? dunno the watermelon was like wah? mebbe I'm just morbid but I'd like to have seen another person get cut up and have to be hacked at a few times...

 

Oh and you should send the rest of it to me :thumbsup:

 

 

 

Just for the part you've put out so far, it seems like a gritty and magical in a David Eddings kinda way without getting ott. Use less big words so Ppl Lieks Me An Matt Can Read It Pls. Uhm

The guillotine, composed entirely of poplar boughs, stood tall in the cold rain.
that means wood right? Like every single guillotine ever made ever...? Just seems unnecessary(sp?)

 

 

 

Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd.
I thought this was a good opportunity for speech in the prologue, I'm not too sure on the 'rules' of prologues but I'd like to see this hero(?) guy talking.

 

 

 

It seemed as though they could walk through the stone wall that surrounded the city without breaking pace. Unsure of his fate, the prisoner attempted to question the guards, but his voice fell silent over roars of the crowd.
Makes them sound like superheros or something and then they can't do jack to stop him escaping, maybe make them seem more human? (This is your masterpiece feel free to snap me back to reality)

 

 

 

This man was the executioner, a minion of the blade. The executioner carried a large watermelon over to the guillotine and placed it in the area that had too often been home to the head of a prisoner. The executioner stepped away,
Maybe make this in one sentence to stop the overuse of the executioner?

 

 

 

 

 

The other thing that didn't really make sense to me is that he waited until he was at the guillotine then he used his rain voodoo to escape, maybe hold off on the cool rain falling line thing until then which would give his little one liner more punch and make more sense to me.

 

 

 

Use more commas and write more often :D

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Well, first off I suppose I was relying on the readers knowledge about types of wood a bit too much. I'll have to edit the prologue to show what it would mean to use that type of wood when constructing something.

 

 

 

The piece about the guards just meant that the added weight wouldn't deter them from their task. It was as if they could walk through walls. In reality they could not. <3:

 

 

 

I definitely agree about the whole executioner thing. I just have trouble coming up with other names for it. I think I'll take your advice and splice the sentences.

 

 

 

I'm glad you are curious about why the prisoner did not escape earlier and rather waited. Was he able to escape prior? Did the priest mention something imortant to him? Did the priest even play a role at all? I liked how Pere was wondering this as well. That is what I was hoping for. ::'

 

 

 

I'm not too sure about him using any rain voodoo to escape, though. It was raining the entire time, and he just had a cocky response about it. :D

 

 

 

Also, to everyone else I enjoyed your comments. It was extremely nice of you to show me the certain parts that you liked and disliked Pere. It will really help me during the rest of the story. :thumbsup:

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Killed my maxed Zerker pure April 2010

 

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I'm glad you are curious about why the prisoner did not escape earlier and rather waited. Was he able to escape prior? Did the priest mention something imortant to him? Did the priest even play a role at all? I liked how Pere was wondering this as well. That is what I was hoping for. ::'

 

 

 

I'm not too sure about him using any rain voodoo to escape, though. It was raining the entire time, and he just had a cocky response about it.

 

 

 

I don't even know why I said that now LOL, I'd just assumed that his power came through the rain because of the title #-o

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GT: JRD is AvT

 

YT: hatethegamer

 

Youtube has nothing on it atm, but getting HD PVR within a month, so watch this space.

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People > Watermelons @ guillotine testing. Haha thanks for making the poplar thing more simple for us simple folks.

 

 

 

 

 

Yer mom n dad were sniveling dogs, they were,
(getting picky now) if you're going for an english accent here go with mum instead of mom, sorry to be anal :P it just popped out at me :geek:

 

 

 

I'd think King would be capitalised - occurs a few times throughout.

 

 

 

The messenger of god - The would-be slayer of men- the slayer of men
Getting a tad ott, not everyone has to be epic and scary ::' I mean, even though he's an executioner, its just his day job.

 

 

 

He bowed cockily to the horde of open-mouthed townsfolk, muttered a phrase under his breath, and burst into a fiery inferno. Both flame and captive vanished, leaving an insignia burned into the wooden floor.
Need to find a bit more of a balance between incognito and goodness gracious great balls of fire! :P

 

 

 

Liked -

. While the prisoners icy blues bore into the glazed over eyes, his counterpart became pale, seemingly sobered up, and promptly broke the connection.
Why would they rush the creation of this...? Does this mean that the king knows about us?

 

 

 

Two last things,

A bone chilling scream emitted from the mouth of the man with the elegant black attire. Alert the king! The prisoner has escaped!

 

people don't usually scream sentences, perhaps NO! or GUARDS! or GAWSH!

 

 

 

Picture of insignia pls? I like books with pictures...

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GT: JRD is AvT

 

YT: hatethegamer

 

Youtube has nothing on it atm, but getting HD PVR within a month, so watch this space.

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