Fist_of_ozzy Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Basically the name describes it, only the time peroid takes place a few years before present rs time. (P.S.- The first chapter is kind of confusing) Chapter 1 They sent us all flowers. Roses, voilets, everything. Even plants I have never heard of, we're displaced in my hands. Who could of done this? Who could have possiably taken her away? She was gone from my life, forever. My mother used to sing to me about death. She told me life and death we're like flowers, you can never predict when they grow. Or when they die. It was different this time, undescribeable pain and suffering rushed through my mind, like never before. Revenge is what I aim for, netherless will i fear. I will kill, i will hate, i will make them suffer. I will make for damn sure! I will not stop, i will not hesitate. I want to make them feel what i do! Maybe I am going what the people call me, crazy. They say i have gone insane. No. I cannot, my mind has not lost control yet. Bloodthirsty for revenge, but still not insane. The troops we're leaving in one day, As I we're to follow. I placed the flowers on the grave of my loved one, and sang my song of sorrow. "I promise....I will get revenge!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PURESMITHER Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Good beggining, I like the plot so far, apart from that, theres not much to comment on. Proud Legionairre of the 10th Legion of Kandarin.Search for "The 10th Legion of Kandarin" on RSOF to join a small, friendly clan!270 Quest Points and countingRemember - In the gene pool, there is no life guard. :PYou're not getting my point. If you had an IQ above room temperature you would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 Thanks for the rating :D Chapter 2 The battle had been going on forever, or at least 5 months. But the battle-field still took place outside of the maze. The Khazard buildings, we're set up just north of our village. Almost all of our troops we're sent there. I was included in the next divsion squad to go. You probably don't know what I mean, but to put it in simple words, I'm backup when the others die. Our divsion was to camp outside of the maze for the night, until tomorro when we attack. I layed down and watched the stars, but was interuppted by the screams of men. I heard some cry out "WHY GOD WHY!" and other just make a shrivel of pain. I couldn't sleep, knowing that I would be facing that battle in a few hours. I grabbed my sword and held on to it tight. I watched the stars and thought about her, and as soon as I knew it; I fell asleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gattree Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Nice to see some new faces in the library. The story is ok. I guess it fits right in with all the others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PURESMITHER Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 You need to be careful with your apostrophes. 'We're' is 'We are', so it is used for present tense. 'Were' is an entirely different word, which is used for past tense. We're cold. (Present) We were cold. (Past) Even plants I have never heard of, we're displaced in my hands. You've just said: Even plants I have never heard of, we are displaced in my hands. :-s Proud Legionairre of the 10th Legion of Kandarin.Search for "The 10th Legion of Kandarin" on RSOF to join a small, friendly clan!270 Quest Points and countingRemember - In the gene pool, there is no life guard. :PYou're not getting my point. If you had an IQ above room temperature you would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted October 29, 2006 Author Share Posted October 29, 2006 Chapter 3: It was morning. I slept maybe for about 3 hours and felt ready to fight. We ran for about 2 miles until we finally reached the battle-field. Many men were waiting in trenches for us. The men looked exhaused and something touched my shoulder. "The names' Vansel." the voice behind me said. I turned around and saw the gnome about my size with a sword in his hand, and a bow hung around his left shoulder. "Oh," I said. "So you're the one who's going to be leading us?" He laughed and put his hand on my shoulder "No, I'm the one who's going to take your body when you die." Vansel laughed again. I thought the joke was cruel. I ignored him and walked in the trench where the other gnomes were stationed. Some yelled real loud " Ready Men!" I looked around eagerly and didn't know what was going on. "CHARGE!" Everyone instantly climbed out of the trench towards the Khazard buildings. How could I have missed this? Hansel! That b*stard distracted me! I ran (no idea where I was going) and follwed the man who was next to me in the trench. As soon as I shouted HEY! to him, he fell over in the trench. I looked back at him, and a spear was sticking in his chest. They must have thrown it. Gnomes were dying everywhere. Everytime I would even get close to anyonne they would be dead in an instant. We were almost to the building, and the khazard troops were ready for us. They put down their spears, and picked up their axes, maces, war hammers, and whatever they could grab. The khazard showed no mercy. They charged most of the gnomes up in the front row and they stood no chance. One troop was headed right for me. I was so nervous, I couldn't move. The soilder was yelling as loud as he could, swinging his mace around ready to kill me. "SHOOT HIM!" A voice said. I reached for my bow, I was too slow getting it out. As soon as I knew it, the troop was about a yard or two away from me. Before he got even closer, he fell to the ground in an instant. I was pushed over by something or someone. "That's the first and last time I save your life, NOW GET UP!" I didn't even turn around to see who it was because I already reconised the voice. It was hansel. He pulled me up and we ran towards the buildings. I saw a khazard trying to climb out of a trench a few feet deep. I leaped from the grass onto the man knocking us both to the bottom of the trench. As soon as I got up, I stabbed him as hard as i could in the chest with my sword. I looked at the man, and I began to cry. I dropped my sword and began to slide down against the wall. "What.......WHAT HAVE I DONE!" I yelled as loud as I could. A gnome next to me in the trench just looked at me and shook his head. "Eh, don't worry about it lad. It was your first kill I bet, but it's ok. If you wouldn't have killed him he would have killed you." The gnome walked away almost in an instant. I stopped mourning and i picked up my sword. I looked at the blood dripping off of it and began to like the idea of killing. I smiled real big and climbed out of the trench. As soon as I got out of the trench, another khazard troop charged towards me, except this time he was closer. I smiled and I decided that killing couldn't be any more fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PURESMITHER Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 The plot is developing well, keep it coming! :wink: Proud Legionairre of the 10th Legion of Kandarin.Search for "The 10th Legion of Kandarin" on RSOF to join a small, friendly clan!270 Quest Points and countingRemember - In the gene pool, there is no life guard. :PYou're not getting my point. If you had an IQ above room temperature you would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Wow, I forgot about this story it's been a long time, but i'm reviving it. Chapter 4: Soilders. They fight for kings and rulers who they have never met before wasting their time and their life. That was my point of view. I used to think that when I was a teenager growing up. The sun was just setting, and it grew cold. Our squad was camping out under a demolished building. You could hear men run over the debris, and one even was killed on it. The space we had was just tall enough for our height, and the width was maybe about 15 feet long. When the night settled, I couldn't sleep. It wasn't because I killed a few men, or the fact that I was fighting in a war that had been going on for over 30 years. I just couldn't stop thinking about her, my wife anna. I remember her picking berries outside of the maze on a sunny day. I remember me finding her entering the maze telling her "You Know your not soposed to be out here, it's dangerous!" she smiled, and in that instant a group of khazard with lots of weapons taking her. I tried to save her, but one of them hit me in the face with a club. The last thing I remembered was her screaming for my name when she was being carried off. At that moment I was being drug by two hands by a guard of the maze. "C'mon we have to go, it's not safe." he said. I reached out my hand and yelled "ANNA!" but at that moment I passed out from the pain. I woke up the next morning in my neighbor's house and as soon as I woke up, I ran outside as fast as I can and out of the maze. I fell to my knees in an Instant and started to cry. Anna was dangling from a tree with a rope around her neck, Dead. I screamed as loud as I could and I started to cry even harder until some maze guards forced me away from the tree. Everytime I would resist and try to run back to the tree, they would grab me again and forcefully bring me back to the maze. They walked me all the way into the village and locked the gates. I still was shattered into pieces. I layed there that night on the ground next to the old tree me and anna used to play at when we were kids. I stayed up until the sun set and I told myself "I will get revenge!" I got up from the ground of our floor and I started to move the bricks out of the way to get out. "Hey, we're not leaving yet!" one of the soilder's called out. I ignored it and made my way out and grabbed my bow and sword. "Hey, GET BACK HERE!" they yelled. I don't need orders, I don't need anybody's help but my own. A khazard soilder was hiding behind a broken wall waiting for me, and he missed with his mace. I stabbed him in the leg with my dagger and he fell to the ground. I pulled an arrow out of my quiver and pointed it towards the man. The man started to shake and say "Please, I have a wife!" I smiled and said "Yeah, So did I..." and I realesed the arrow which ended his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andufusthebronze Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I read chapter 1 and 2 and don't really understand. I think that the first chapter should be full of a bit more discription. instead of "they sent us all flowers. roses, voilets everything. even plants i'd never heard of" try something a bit more like "They sent each and everyone of us a small set of flowers, there where red thorned roses, delicate and precious violets and a few others that I don't know the names of." I'm not good at the punctuation my self but its more the imagery that I'm on about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Chapter 5: The night was bitter cold. Our squad had moved out of the abondon basement and grouped up with more squads. Almost the whole entire army gathered into a large trench quietly as the khazard grouped up in the distance trying to climb down the hill. "We're going to ambush them," the gnome next to me whispered "get ready." The khazard slowly came down the hill looking around and ready to attack. "Steady....steady..." the captain said. The khazard we're maybe about 5 yards away from us when finally a gnome from the trench jumped out and yelled "Kill those b*stards!" Every-one yelled and immeadity jumped out of the trench and attacked. As soon as we got out of the trench, khazard men came out of every place you could hide behind and started to attack us. All this time we thought we we're ambushing them, but they we're ambushing us. Those men must have been the bait, damn them! We we're out numbered by alot. We we're running up-hill while the khazard forces we're comming down. They we're throwing spears at us, but they we're impossiable to see in the dark. I could hear dozens of men getting hit by them and making their final cry of pain before their death. As I was running up the hill, someone grabbed me by the back of my uniform and yelled " Retreat! We've lost this battle, there's nothing left!" I turned around and saw vansel with a bow in one hand and an arrow in the other. "No, I'm not leaving this battle!" I yelled to him. "LOOK-OUT!" he yelled and shot his arrow behind me. A dead khazard men fell on me. I pushed him off of me and followed vansel down the hill. I could hear spears whizzing past my head and cansel stopped for a moment. I looked back at him and said "C'mon, we have to get out of here!" he stood still just staring at me. I grabbed him by the arm and said "There's no time for this! We have to leave!" I stared at vansel and he still stood there and I started to shake him and yell his name, but as soon as I did that he fell to the ground. "Vansel!" I yelled at him. I looked at him on the ground and realized something sticking out of his chest. I touched it and it was a spear head. "Vansel..." I started to say softly "vansel.....are you there...." A tear started to roll down my cheek. "Wake up...." I said. I started the shake his body and yell"Wake up! Wake up! Why won't you wake up?!" Two soilders behind me put their hands on my shoulder and said "Leave him, we have to go." I just stood there staring at vansel's body and started to wipe the tears from my face. "Hurry up." They yelled. I turned around and followed the two soilders who we're running down the hill. It was maybe a few seconds later that an extreme pain struck the back of my left leg. At first I ignored it but in an instant the pain brought me to the ground. I started to yell as loud as I could. The two soilders turned around and ran towards me. "He's hit." One of them yelled. They started to drag me on my front sid of my body. Not knowing what just happened to me, I started to yell out of the intense pain that kept growing in my leg. It wasnt far until the checkpoint we we're retreating to, until one of the men fell on the ground dead. He was hit also. Finally, we made it to the checkpoint and the soilder who had been carrying me and told another soilder "You're a medic right?" the other soilder replied quickly "Yes." "This man is hit in the left leg with a spear, take him." the medic looked at me and said "Ok, your going to feel alot of pain. But I need you to be with me; you understand?" I started to nod my head. "Ok, here I go." the medic said wiping his forehead. He started to pull the spear out. I yelled even louder than before. "Stay with me soilder!" He pulled it out even more and everything went blurry. "C'MON, YOU CAN DO THIS. STAY WITH ME!" My vision went black and the I could hear my flesh ripping out of my leg. I regained consciense and looked at the medic who was wrapping up my leg with cloth. "There that wasn't so bad was it?" I was too much in pain to even think or talk. He wrapped my leg up and helped me up from the ground and helped me back towards the camp. "Medic, we need your help quick. There's a bunch of men who need you!" yelled a soilder. I recongnized who the man was. It was our general from our prevouis squad. He looked at me and said "Get ready boy, we need more men up that hill." The medic got furouis "He's not going anywhere! This soilder is badly wounded!" The general got angry "It doesn't matter, we need all the men possiable to go up that hill and I SAY HE'S GOING." I got up from the so called "Bed" on the ground and picked up my sword. I could barely stand up and the general started to laugh and say "Haha! Thats me' boy." The medic looked at me and said "You can't be serouis! You just got hit with a spear that could've killed you and you want to go back out and fight?!" I nodded my head. The general put his hand on my shoulder and looked me straight in the eyes "I wish more soilders we're like you, then we would be winning this war." I didn't say anything and the general said "Alright enough talk. Let's get moving!" I followed the general up the hill. All I could do was limp. Hell, I could even barely do that! As we were heading up the hill, a khazard jumped us from the bushes. I recongnized that man. The black club, the helmet with a broken horn on the side of it, and the warchant. This was the man who took my wife! Out of any anger I had, i dropped my weapon and tackled him. We rolled down the hill and the pain in my leg had trippled to what it was. We finally stopped rolling when we rolled into a trench that threw us off balance. I pulled out the dagger from my belt and he pulled one from his boot. "Hehe' cmon boy! Show me what got little man." I threw the dagger and it hit him in the arm. He didn't say anything, he just smiled and ripped it out of his arm. "you think that hurt?" at this point I knew i was done for. He charged at me with both daggers in his hands. I ran at him and he swung a dagger that stabbed me in the hand. He took the other one and stabbed me in the shoulder. He ripped them out and finally said "die gnome!!!!!!" he stuck me one last time in the chest and ripped it out quickly. I held out my arm and said "I'm sorry anna..." and I fell to the ground, dead. Only I wasn't dead. My eyes opened and wasn't in focus. I was lying in a actual bed in a house with the light shining threw the window on to my face. "This is a dream." "I'm dead." "No, your in a hospitial in the village. Your back home." said the voice. I turned around to see who was there talking to me. I smiled and I was happy to see him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 Chapter 6: FINAL CHAPTER It was the captain of our squad. He was siting in a chair in the corner of the hospitial room and he was dressed nice. The first thing that came to my mind which I blurted out immeaditly "Did we win?" The captain's face went blank. A few moments of silence went by until it was broken by his voice. "You see son," he stated "It's not a matter of winning the battle, It's a matter of holding the postition in the battle-field that makes you move more and more to your enemy's territory." He moved over to the window and started to stare out of it and then looked at me. "The question you should be asking me soilder is 'How am I alive?'" I didn't fully understand how I was alive either, but my mind drifted off like a child and I payed attention to anything he said. "Well," he said "You got lucky son." He moved over to the table next to my bed wich had breakfast on a plate. "Are you going to eat that?" he asked me. "Yes." I replied. The captain shrugged his soilders and took the plate and decided to eat it anyways. To tell you the truth, I was too tired to care. "In all of my experience as a captain, I have never seen anyone go through anything like that and live." he took another bite out of the food, and chewed it slowly. "Infact, I've never seen anyone that brave enough to even fight when they are wounded like that." He finished the food and put the plate back on the table and looked at me and stared at me. "We lost, but we didn't lose the village." My face turned blank and I stared away from the captain. "I know what your thinking soilder," he said "But we fought for thirty years, and a hell of a thirty years we've been able to defend our people." I tried to get up from my bed, but I couldn't get up. "Easy Soilder! Your not ready to go back out yet." I put my head back on my pillow and layed there staring at the wooden cieling. The captain stood infront of the end of my bed staring at me saying "Yet, neither am I ready to go back out yet." he walked over to the window again and said "I'm an old man." "I've fought in this war ever since it started and I'm retiring." He turned around and looked at me. "And that's why I'm making you a captain. My eyes lit up like a child was looking at candy in a candy store. "When you get better," he put his hand on my bed "then you'll lead your own army." he stared at me closely and said "Put you promise me one thing and don't you ever break this promise!" Out of fear and excitement I exclaimed "What?" The captain smiled and whispered "That we never lose against those b*stards, and send them back from wince they came!" Without a sound he opened the door and walked out. Two weeks Later: I fully recovered from my injuries and I stood infront of Vansel's grave. I placed flowers on the grave-stone and said "Thanks for saving me twice, i'll never forget you." I walked over to battle-field that was completely empty. I stood there and waited. I started to hear many foot-steps behind me and didn't bother to turn around. I looked over to my left and saw men lining up ready for battle. I looked over to my right and saw the same thing. "Captain," A voice said. "Yes?" I replied. "We wait on your orders." I thought about it for awile. I said to myself: As long as I stand on this earth, as long as there is a single-breath in my body, I will not stop fighting until we have victory. I looked at my army assembeled behind me and they all stared at me. I opened my mouth and said "Charge." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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