Soul(Short poem)

We lay

Drifting in void

Never seeing

Never hearing

A soul

A hope

A life

Existance

Forever

Continuing

Till kingdom come

We wait

We live

To serve

Our lord

Our master

God

Godess

God's

We are one

In your love

In your hate

Your eternal life

It surrounds us

Penetrates us

Binds us

Together

In your power

In your light

We ask

Give us today

Our daily bread

That we may

Spread

Your message

God to man

Man to god

Who created

Who invented

The other

Always there

To serve the other

Love forever lasting

In our hearts

In our minds

In our souls

We love though

Christ

Our lord

That art

In heaven

Came to earth

To suffer

For our sins

Pay our dues

Eternal sin

Sin everlasting

Everlasting love

Love the sinner

Sin to hell

Hell on earth

Earth is eden

Eden is lost

Lost is god

God within

God without

We are here

Spread the word

The word of god

The path of god

The belief of god

Of peace

Of war

Always to judge

What is right

What is wrong

What is that

That that tells you

Look in your heart

Agape

Christain love

Love to banish

Love to purge

Love to repent

Pray to the sky

To the stars

To the heavens

God is here

Our soul

No offence but that's one of the worst poems I've ever read. The structure is bad, and the short lines just don't work. The subject of the poem is strong and loving, short lines tend to be tense or comical. It just doesn't work. Secondly, the description is awful. It's interesting but extremely cliche at the same time. It's not as if you put much thought into the lines. It needs drastic improvement.

I would suggest not using the lines of prayer, it sounds too much like a mix.

To add to that it goes against the beliefs of Christians - Christians look up to their God. Christains do not believe they share an equal love with their God. (To my knowledge.) 'True' Christians fear and love God, as God loves Christians but knows he is superior.

Christians put full trust in their God - try and make this more apparent in the poem, it doesn't get across. God is scary- he's ultimately loving, all knowing, all seeing, ultimately powerful. The sense that a supposed God is of such significance doesn't come across.

I would suggest a stronger, steadier rhythm, should definitely be longer lines than can be read slowly. Try to be more original with description, the words you use aren't exactly interesting.

Rhythm is very very important in poetry, and I think this creation really, really needs it.

Edit - modern Christianity has no goddess.

I would suppose that your analysis is correct however...

It is supposed to have no rhythm, if there was the poem would seem much more jolly, it is not, it is an expression of feelings.

It is not supposed to be christian. I am an atheist with a leaning towards Paganism, I feel that christianity really is a "Fix" of Paganism. As when someone fixes something that isn't broken. It pulled paganism apart and made it seem evil while stealing important parts of it. 30% of christians believe that paganism is an offshoot of Christainity.

The lines that I have chosen have a deliberate meaning. They are not just random lines that I was thinking. They were lines that I was thinking and that had a connection to other thoughts in my mind at the time. The poem is a freeflow of feelings and thoughts, linked by experiance. Because of this only a small number of people will be able to understand it all, not because of any reason other than experiance. E.g. Juliet on the Balcony means nothing to someone that has never heard of her or what she was doing there. The cliche is unavoidable, you clearly have different thoughts to my own, therefore you cannot see the same connects that I do. Just as if you were writing a poem that was just about events that you had experianced they would be from your point of view. Completely different from my experiances. Such as my view of reality would make no sense to virtually anyone, because my train of though it based on my experiances, and the Chaos of the brain.

The short lines...there is nothing that can remove them. They are thoughts. Thoughts tend to be fairly simple because they are like a hyperlink. They take you to many different parts of the mind and give you a set of information that bares no relation to anything else.

The subject of the poem is just thoughts, it is not loving. It is by far the opposite, it is there to explain what I think. What random strain of though I think about when I am give the word soul. Like a tree each branch of that thought connects to new paths, new branches of the tree.

There is just no way to use Rhythm. It flows from though to though, not from line to line. There are millions of connections that may come between lines. To find one, one has to search the thought and connect them to the lines.

Never seeing-hopelessness-utter loss-lost of path-lost-unable to find your way- Blind- disablity-deafness-Never hearing

QED

Interesting. And it's Gods' not God's, that would be God is.

Well written though, very nice word choice. Different then the usual.

Nice write. :D

Darn you and your sharp eye sight...

Thanks anti :)