Life (Poem)

In the beginning I was without form; and void.But the sun shone upon my sleepy self; and deep inside my brittle crust, massive forces waited to be unleashed.

The cells split; and great bodies were formed. Fingers arose; lungs spawned massive tidial waves. My heart erupted, and spewed forth fiery blood; and charged the body with strange feelings.

Into this swirling malstrom; of blood and air and water, came the first stirings of life appeared. Tiny organs, cells and ameoba; cling to tiny sheltered bones.

These seeds of life grew, and strengthened and spread, and deversified and prospered;and soon everything finger and toe, teamed with life. And with life, came instinct; and specialisation, natural selection, hairs, nerves, and organs.

And finally there became a organ, known, as mind. And there appeared the first faint gimmers, of intelliegence. The fruits of intelliegence were many, thoughts, and dreams and emotions,

the cry, the scream and the gaining of food. The family. The home. The soul. Now I required but one more ingredient, a great control. To unite the quarling fears. To harness the power of the hands. To build a legacy, that would stand the test of time.

A LIFE.

why did you write a poem like this archimage?

Nicely written, it's very discriptive and clear. I like the subject as well. Just one thing; is it grammatically correct to put a semicolon just before the word 'and'? I'm not sure, sorry if I'm wrong.

I answer to 'Warri0r45'

I would imagine so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The semicolon is used to link two sentances that are gramatically seperate but are supposed to be read as one, no pause in the line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'And' Is often used in poetry at the beginning of the line. So therefore a sentance can start with 'and'. In a poem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cells split; and great bodies were formed.

 

 

 

Green for verb

 

 

 

Blue for noun

 

 

 

If you have both then the sentances are gramamtically seperate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also they could be used as a list aswell.

 

 

 

In the beginning I was without form; and void

 

 

 

I was without form. Void.

 

 

 

And is a connective and therefore not required outside of grammar.

 

 

 

A Semi-colon is also a connective, between two seperate sentances. The 'and' is therefore because of its poetic pattern. . If you remove both the sentance still makes sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also using a comma is frowned upon when also using 'and'. It is also not a good point to use a full stop. Because 'Void' is too short and sharp to fit in well with the pattern of the poem, more like a statement than a line in a poem. So I still need to denote a pause. So I used a Semi-colon because it works in the same ways a a comma, but in a way to join to grammatically seperate sentances. Rather than two grammatically link sentances.

 

 

 

But the sun shone upon my sleepy self; and deep inside my brittle crust, massive forces waited to be unleashed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So while there are four different nouns and only two verbs there are only two sentances. So therefore there should be two sentances and two sub clauses. The first:

 

 

 

my sleepy self

 

 

 

Is joined to the first sentance by the word 'Upon' , with is a connective.

 

 

 

The second:

 

 

 

deep inside my brittle crust

is joined by a comma because it is going into more detail, without forming one whole sentance.

To answer Gattree

I am not entirely sure what you mean. It could be that you are refering to the subject matter, or they way I wrote the poem, or the way I structured the poem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got the idea for writting this poem from watching a planet form, and noticing how a planet forms in the same way we do.

 

 

 

It starts with its core, the heart of the animal, the nucleus of the cell.

 

 

 

It then explodes outwards. The firey lava that consumes the surface and then drys to for it. The blood that pumps around the body, keeping us alive, carrying away the toxins. The spliting on cells, a destructive act that yields new life.

 

 

 

The winds that sweep across the seas, created and building up waves. The lungs in their first spasm, to exhale mucus and water they swallowed in the womb.

 

 

 

The tiny bodies of cells appear, in the oceans and in the recesses of our bodies. They cling to each so that they can survive.

 

 

 

The body is formed, and how bacteria live on it. The same way that we live on the earth, harmless until we get inside.

 

 

 

Eventually we evolved on this planet. Just as the brain evolved inside us, forming pathways and structures inside our mind.

 

 

 

How from then on we rely on our mind in the same way we rely on society to survive. How we progressed from on body, to the family unit. We scream and shout to get what we want. Just as if we chop down a tree we get what we want, how in the beginning we joined into tribes to survive.

 

 

 

Then we need control, we have grown up. We need to overcome our boundries, layed down by our fears. Just as we overcame great problems in the past.

 

 

 

We harness the power of our hands to work. Just as we harness the power of the land to work.

 

 

 

How thoughout history we make every effort to build something that will stand the test of time, something to make us remembered, or at least not forgotten. Just as now we do what we do so that others may look at it and think 'I remember'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote the poem like this because it was similar to how life on earth started, which is why there are certain things that seem to be strange like 'Sun shone' 'Crust' and 'Instinct'. These are there intensionally to draw a point to the similarity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I structure the poem like this because it gives everything meaning. If you just read the poem as one mass its the same, but more boring, more of a task than a joy. Paragraphing also makes life much easier when anyalsing it later on.

Thanks for your feed back.

Hm it's too epic for me. I like it - the words and vocab are really great, and I like the length. The last 'verse' in particular I think is great, but not really my kind of thing.

hmmmmm don't really know what to say on this one. In theory it was a very good poem, but i guess that on a sunday afternoon i'm not really in the mood. :D

Well I did write it this morning....And it will still be here tommrow, so read it again when your in the mood.

not bad, not bad at all, It seemed more of a riddle poem than actual poem (I like riddle poetry I do)