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Ratchet: Random Stories and Reports By Me- Part 1


Harakiri

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In late 2007 I quit working on Snake and Noob and moved on to other attempts at writing, some failures, some decent, and some not so good. I will go through a couple with you on my blog comprising of random stuff.

 

My first attempt at writing a script and my first attempt at doing a Robot Chicken-esque story.

 

 

[spoiler=The Random Show]Our first topic is from a fan named:

 

ANONYMOUS

 

A great name and a better letter. He asked

 

DEAR RANDOM SHOW,

Can we see a skit of you making fun of Harry Potter?

 

Yes! We will make fun of Harry Potter. Here is: A Day in the office with the harry potter kids:

 

A DAY IN THE LIFE

OF THE DORKY KID

WHO'S A STUPID LOSER KID

THE CHOSEN ONE LIKE ANAKIN?

MUST MEAN HE IS GONNA COMMIT A SIN

HARRY POTTER IN THE OFFICE!!!!

 

Harry: I just finished my report to Gringotts about the mysterious disappearance of all that wizard money.

Ron: Its all right to say it Harry, I am over laughing when you say it.

Harry: Fine. The person who made the money disappear stole all the knuts.

Ron: Ha HA HA! You said...

Harry: We need to be more mature.We are 36 years old and well...

Ron: Harry, you are a true dork.

Harry: Why did you say that?

Ron: I just had to let it go after all these years.

Harry: Oh yeah, well I slept with Hermione one night a couple years ago.

Ron: My wife? Oh yeah, well I slept with your wife a couple weeks ago.

Harry: Ron, my wife is your sister.

RING!

Harry: Hullo?

Ginny: Harry, I am pregnant.

Harry: Excuse me while I tell Ron something...Hay Ron, your youngest daughter is mine.

Ginny: What was that?

Harry: You heard me woman! Now then, DIE RON!

Ron: Can't we just exchange the kids to each other? OW! Your wussy dork punches are hurting me!

Ginny: You guys are magicians are you not?

Ron: OH YEAH!

Harry: I am not, I AM A WIZARD!

Ginny: Oh damn you and your role playing games Harry! Just because they call them Wizards in Dungeons and Dragons does not mean that that is what we are.

Jerry: Hi there. Jerry Springer here and...

THAT WAS QUITE RANDOM WAS IT NOT?

Jerry: Will you hush?

AND NOW FOR...

 

Him: Another skit? Oh excuse me a moment. Hi, my name is Gimli. Is your child throwing a party and you want one of those cute little midgets to come and do stupid things? Well DON'T ASK ME! I think you are abusing us...

 

Him: And now its time for blackmail! Hello, Mr. Jackson? Your wife is in the audience and we have a couple of people over there with her, about to break her finger. Now the only way to stop this is by sending 5,000,000 dollars to the following number.

 

Priest: I hate this show! So much sin!

Him: Hello I would like to get married.

Priest: Well I am married but divorce is not to hard.

Him: Well, I have a fiance...

Priest: Oh, well we can both divorce at the same time! Wouldn't that be exciting!

Him: I can break up with her, not divorce her.

Priest: You guys hate each other that much eh?

Him2: Excuse me priest but will you marry me?

Priest: Well, you will have to get in line sir. This gentleman here is gonna marry me and divorce can take a while.

 

 

Applause Applause WOOT!!! YAY!!! BRAVO!!!

 

Now for a last letter from:

 

YOUGUYSARESTUPID

 

It reads:

 

Dear Stupid People,

If you do not do a star wars spoof I will hate you forever.

 

Well here you go:

 

A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY CALLED HOLLYWOOD

STAR WARS

 

Lucas: My name is George Lucas and I am writing a new Star Wars book titled:

 

STAR WARS: C3PO IS GAY?

 

Lucas: Reading this will tell you everything about 3P0. Including his favorite sport, favorite soap opera, favorite song, and favorite circuit to touch. Buy my book. You will anyway cuz' I just used the force on you! SUCKA!

 

Him: Lord Vader! He is not writing a book about you!

Vader: Lucas will pay!

Him: But where is his planet?

Vader: In the outer rim. Some Place called "EARTH"

Him: I have never heard of it sir.

Vader: It is a planet home to humanoids.

Him: So?

Vader: I am just trying to sound smart.

Him: Should we go to hyper space?

Vader: Lets.

Him: Whistle Oh...here we are.

Vader: Get the storm troopers set!

 

Troop1: And then I said, "The only reason I am doing this interview is so I can get revenge on my family" and Vaders like "Who killed them?" And I am like "You". And thats how I ended up in the garbage compactor.

Troop2: Good story.

 

Troop3: Can I please squish them?

Troop4: No...Those are paid actors. They are trying to do a show...

Cameraman: I caught that on tape!

Troop3: Lets throw that guy in the compactor, who cares if we kill those two useless actors.

Troop4: Yeah!

 

Lucas: Oh My God! Vader has come for me!

Vader: Lucas come with me, write a book for me and I will train you in the ways of the dark side.

Emperor: get out of the way my stupid apprentice.

Lucas: My characters are...

Emperor: No we are not real, we are just figments of the force.

 

Lucas: What a terrible dream. Hay Blue Jay, roomie...

Emperor: Blue Jay, wake up.

Blue Jay: But you wiped me out last... Oh Georgie buddy...Uh...its not what you think. Kill him baby.

Lucas: AUGH! WAIT A MINUTE! THE SHOW IS OVER! THANK THE LORD!

 

THE END.

 

 

 

 

My first serious attempt at writing a thriller was for my school writing contest. I won an award for it, though I still don't find it that great, more a generic, two dimensional piece.

 

[spoiler=Nathan Vs. The Triad]CHAPTER 1: NEWS REPORT

 

Nathan, or Nat as his friends called him, pulled his Jeep Grand Cherokee into the CIA headquarters parking lot. He parked in his private spot and got out of the car, shutting the car door behind himself. In front of him, a glass door blocked his way into the eight story building. Nathan opened the front door to the CIA headquarters, and entered into a reception room. Leather armchairs sat against the black painted walls. In the front of the room a large desk, shaped like a semi-circle, withy a computer monitor on it. Receptionist John Mandrake sat behind the desk, playing a first person shooter game.

 

The speakers of the computer were on at full blast, and annoyed Nathan. Nathan walked to the desk, grabbed both of the speakers, one on each side of the plasma monitor, and turned them off. John hit a key on his keyboard and looked up from the monitor, his green eyes drilling a hole into Nathan's head.

 

Nathan was over six feet tall and had dark blue eyes. His hair was black. He always wore a dark pinstriped suit to work. John was a small man in comparison to Nathan. John was only five foot five and always wore a Star Trek or Star Wars tee shirt to work.

 

"Nathan, you could have just told me the speakers were on too loud." John hated Nathan. Nathan was always taking things into his own hands. He always did the sensitive covert missions and that made him have a commanding ego. He refuses to work with anyone on a mission, even though he would probably need half the people who showed up anyway if he wanted to live. Nathan could still be a force to be reckoned with, which made him selfish and arrogant.

 

John peered back down at his monitors screen and motioned for Nathan to proceed to the elevator next to the desk. "Your clear." He said.

 

Nathan walked to the elevator doors and called the elevator. The door slid open and Nathan walked inside.

 

 

Nathan sat at his large mahogany desk, littered with dossiers and other random tid bits of information.

 

Nathan pulled open one of his desks drawers and took a T.V Guide from it. He flipped to the back and did the crossword. After less than ten minutes, Nathan finished the crossword and threw the T.V guide into a garbage can next to his desk.

 

He opened the desks drawer again, and pulled out the previous days Washington Post. He scanned the headlines. Suicide bombers, another Democratic debate, murders in a small Iowa town. The usual. He read the funny pages, getting him into a better mood. Then, he flipped to the crossword. He started the timer on his watch and started jotting answers down.

 

He finished and stopped the watch. Five minutes and seventeen seconds. Not bad.

 

There was a knock on his office's door, and the computer geek of the CIA walked in. He was dressed in a button down shirt and torn up jeans. His brown hair was in a mop. This man was the best hacker in the world, able to hack any website. He was way better with computers tan Nathan. Nobody knew the geeks real name, so everyone in the CIA called him Gordon.

 

"What's the matter Gordon?" Nathan asked.

 

Gordon adjusted his glasses and said, "Turn on MSNBC." Gordon had a slight tone of Panic in his voice. Not much panicking happened in the CIA. Nathan nodded and threw a couple pieces of paper onto the carpet of his office, searching for the television remote.

 

He found it under a dossier and hit the ON button. A wall panel in front of Nathan's desk slid aside, and a plasma screen television was revealed. Nathan turned the channel to MSNBC and watched the news lady report on a "terrorist situation".

 

"we don't know any names, but we have identified the Triad as the Black Dragons. This is a picture of the tattoo, on all members' forearms. The leader has the dragon tattooed on his bald head." The tattoo was just a dragon, with red eyes and fire surrounding it. "We go now live to New York City, where a hostage situation is taking place."

 

Nathan muted the television and looked back at Gordon.

 

"Triads in New York, taking hostages?" Nathan was skeptical, Triads were not known to take hostages, especially not in a heavily populated American city.

The American equivalent of gangsters, Triads were groups of Asians, who killed for a living. They were paid sometimes, and the money they made would help finance a weapons shop. In exchange for the money, the owner of the shop would allow the Triad a supply of guns and ammo. Kind of like a secret cache of weapons, except everyone has seen it.

 

Nathan looked at Gordon, waiting for him to speak. Gordon was silent. Then Gordon spoke:

 

"The boss needs to see you."

 

Gordon walked out of the room, leaving the door open behind himself.

 

CHAPTER 2: MEETING WITH THE BOSS

 

Nathan opened the door to his bosses' office and closed it as he walked in, following a Persian rug on the hardwood floor, to a leather chair. Nathan sat down and saw that his boss, a plump and balding man, had a guest. Sitting next to Nathan was the head of the NSA, Colonel Irving Lambert.

 

The bosses' desk was piled with books, and littered with telephones. The boss himself sat behind it.

 

"Nathan, this is Colonel Lambert, as you know. He is leading an operation against the Triad." Nathan and Lambert shook hands. Lamberts grip was arm crushing.

 

Lambert pulled his large hand from Nathan's and grabbed a folder beside his chair. He opened it and pulled a set of printouts from it, handing them to Nathan.

 

"Those are all the details on the situation. The Triad is sitting in the middle of a subway track stretch, along with the hostages, while the leader is hiding in a penthouse apartment."

 

Nathan looked through the papers and then set the papers on his lap.

 

"I assume I am being sent to save the hostages?" Nathan asked.

 

"Yes, with most of the NSA in Iraq at the moment, we had to send out best agent," Nathan's boss nodded toward him.

"I've read your file, impressive stuff. Gulf War veteran. On a special Ops force. Survived a trip to North Korea" Lambert was cut off by Nathan.

 

"That trip to North Korea got me where I am today Colonel. That was the first time I was afraid of the enemy."

 

Lambert stared at Nathan. "While I'm here can I hear that story?"

 

Nathan looked at his boss for approval. His boss nodded.

 

"Back in 2001, a double agent had entered our ranks and killed one of our computer geeks. He made a small mistake; he did not destroy his laptop, leaving valuable information for us. Gordon, our main computer hacker, hacked the laptop and found out he was working for a free world separatist group.

 

"I was in South Korea at the time, protecting a pair of ambassadors. When the job was done, I was sent to bring the double agent back to the states. Easier said than done.

 

"Pyongyang was his hideout. He lived in an apartment. I entered the city with a fake identity and after a couple days, went to the apartment. I knocked on the door and beat him to the ground before he could utter one sound. I cuffed him and took him to my car. He went in the back, as I drove away from that city. A couple hours of driving and I noticed a Jeep tailing me.

 

"I sped up, only five miles from my evac point. I drove as fast as the small car would let me. I was too careless and allowed my hostage to get up and kick the wheel, sending both us, and the car, into the air.

 

"We lay on the cars side, the hostage dead from a piece of shrapnel from the now destroyed car. I got myself out, but was too late. The Jeep drove next to me, and the three men had AK-47's pointed at my stomach.

 

"I knew I was dead, until my pickup, and Apache Helicopter, swept down, machines guns blazing. The three men went down, and a rope was thrown to me. I barely escaped with my life."

 

Lambert looked amazed. "You are one lucky son of a gun."

 

Nathan nodded. The boss opened his mouth to speak.

"No forces whatsoever can help you in a subway tract Nathan. We have got you plane tickets to and from New York City. You only have till tomorrow night at midnight. That's when the hostages are scheduled to be killed. Save them all. Defeat all Black Dragons in your way."

 

Lambert stood up. "I am off to get some coffee and lunch. Study those papers Nathan. A subway map is in there and that could prove very useful."

 

Nathan stood up and shook Lamberts hand again.

 

"I'll get the job done as fast as possible."

 

Lambert grinned. His teeth were pearl white.

 

"Goodbye. Good luck."

 

Lambert walked out of the room and Nathan's boss handed him two plane tickets.

 

"Yes, as Lambert said, good luck."

 

CHAPTER 3: DEAD OF NIGHT

 

Nathan walked down the marble steps of the subway station, fighting through the large crowd. At the bottom of the steps, the crowd thinned. A man was playing a saxophone in the middle of the crowd, and had a briefcase lying on the ground for tips.

 

Nathan walked around the saxophone man and noticed his features. He looked Chinese. Nathan was about to ask the man something, when a small man wearing ragged clothes and with a salt and pepper beard grabbed Nathan's coat sleeve.

 

"Sir, you have a gun, you're in the Triad!" Nathan looked down at himself and noticed a slight bulge in his coat.

 

"No sir, I just keep a pocket protector there." Nathan looked at the mans expression.

 

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" The man was about to pull off Nathan's coat when the saxophone man stopped playing and looked at Nathan. The saxophone man pulled a gun from inside his coat.

 

Nathan shoved the little man aside and ran for a men's bathroom door. He locked himself inside. He was cornered. He could hear the pattering of feet outside of the bathroom door. Someone tried the doors handle. The door shook. The man on the other side of the door started kicking it, until the door fell off its hinges.

 

When the door fell, Nathan ran and tackled the man. The man had a Colt .9 mm in his hand, and when Nathan tackled him, the man shot it, missing Nathan and hitting the ceiling.

 

People screamed and ran for the stairs. Nathan struggled to keep the man down, but the man was to strong and rolled Nathan off of himself.

 

The ma started to stand up. Nathan jumped to his feet and kicked the gun from the man's hand. The gun slid down the tiles of the station, and fell onto the subway tracks.

 

The man got up and lashed out at Nathan. Nathan stepped to his left and kicked at the man's side. Nathan made contact and the man started to gasp for breath. Nathan opened a pocket of his coat and took out a pair of handcuffs. Nathan cuffed one of the man's arms, and walked him to the stairs. A railing ran in the middle of the stairs. Nathan threw the cuffs under the railing and cuffed the other arm of the man. He was chained to the stairway railing, just waiting for a police convoy to pick him up.

 

Outside, the moon shone on all of the glass windows of the buildings. Nathan checked his watch. Ten O'clock. He had two hours until the dead of night, and the hostage executions.

 

CHAPTER 4: SAVING THE HOSTAGES

 

Nathan checked his map of the subway tract. Along the tracks were elevated platforms, used by engineers and maintenance workers in case of technical problems. Nathan would use these to get to the large underground house, used to store equipment. That's where the Triad was hiding.

 

Nathan pulled his cell phone from his coat and called his boss.

 

"Got one in cuffs on the stairs. I made sure he had nothing on him before I left. I am heading to the platforms now. No power lines, so no communications from here on. Nathan out."

 

He turned his phone off and put it away. In front of him was a set of stairs, leading to the platforms. Nathan ran up these, and slowly proceeded down the platforms, gun in hand.

 

After a half an hour, he found the house, guarded by a man with a tazor gun. Nathan inched his way toward the man, and grabbed him by the neck, pulling him to Nathan. Nathan wrenched the tazor from the guards hand and took out a piece of duct tape. Nathan put it over the man's mouth, and shot him with the tazor. The man could not let out a sound as his body shook violently, until he fell to the ground with a soft THUD! Nathan put the tazor next to the body and proceeded inside the house.

 

He was in a hall, lit at intervals by lanterns. He proceeded forward and found himself in another hall, full of maintenance equipment. Careful not to make a sound, Nathan proceeded down the hall. The hall opened to a large room with five guards inside, five Uzi's pointed at five hostages, in the fetal position on the floor.

 

Nathan pulled a jar of some type of liquid from his coat. He walked into the room and quietly started pouring the liquid on the floor. When he ran out, he ran back to the hall and whistled. All five guards turned in unison and walked toward the hall. They suddenly stepped into the liquid.

 

The guards closed their eyes and passed out.

 

Nathan grabbed one of the guards and pushed him into the wall. The man awoke and started shuddering.

 

"I have one question, where is your leader?" Nathan asked.

 

The man looked bewildered but answered: "2324 North Madison."

 

Nathan thanked hi and threw him back into the liquid. He instantly passed out. The hostages got up. They started jumping over the liquid and running out. A young girl stopped and looked at Nathan.

"Are you one of Gordon's friends?" She asked.

 

"His name is Dad to you honey."

 

No wonder Gordon was so shocked back at the office; his nine year old daughter was taken from him.

 

The girl smiled. "Sorry."

 

Nathan took her arm and they ran, the Triad members unconscious, waiting for a police pickup to arrive.

 

CHAPTER 5: FINAL FIGHT

 

Nathan walked down the dark corridor and found a door marked 2324. Nathan pulled a lockpick from his pocket and started picking the doors lock. After half a minute, the doors lock was destroyed, and Nathan proceeded inside.

 

The room he was in had nothing in it. It was a huge room, about seventy five feet long, thirty feet wide. The whole front part of the room was made up of a window, looking down on the traffic jammed streets of New York.

 

Nathan was snapped from his thoughts when a bald man with a tattoo on his head walked up to Nathan, sword in hand.

 

"So why'd you do it?" Asked Nathan.

 

"I did it because I wanted the Americans to see how powerful the Triads are. Tonight, you will face the wrath of a leader of a Triad!"

 

The man started swiping at Nathan. Nathan took a small double edged dagger from his boot, and blocked the bald mans attacks.

 

Nathan was stepping backward, and eventually ran into one of the rooms walls. The bald man lunged. Nathan rolled aside, kicking the man in the back. The man lurched forward and his stomach hit the hilt of his sword, knocking the wind out of him. He turned around, leaving the sword in the wall, and started attacking Nathan with various martial arts moves. Nathan ruled supreme and got a kick to the man's head. He staggered backwards, hitting his back on one of the windows.

Nathan took out a pistol.

 

"I've never liked shooting people in cold blood." Nathan shot the window and kicked the man out. He screamed as he fell. Nathan looked down at the pavement below and saw the man' body, splayed on the ground.

 

"Don't blame me for your death. It was all gravity's fault."

 

Nathan left the house, satisfied that another mission was complete.

 

THE END

 

 

I found this in my E-mails, a report on Black Holes of all things that I wrote almost two years ago for a school project.

[spoiler=Report on Black Holes]

A black hole is an object with so much gravitational pull, it can suck in anything, even light. In the 18th century, an idea about the existence of black holes was proposed. The idea had been proposed by French Scientest Pierre-Simon Laplace (1749-1827) and later by John Archibald Wheeler (1911-). Laplace had proposed the existence, while Wheeler gave these objects the name black hole. Black holes form when massive stars die. Scientests can detect objects falling into a black hole, which has lead to quite a few black holes being discovered. Scientests theorize that there are billions of black holes in the universe.

 

Black holes do not defy the laws of gravity, but it is because of gravity that they exist. Sir Issac Newton showed that all objects in the universe are attracted by gravity in the seventeenth century. Gravity is actually one of the weakest forces in the galaxy. However, gravity shapes our universe. It moves the planets, and all other objects in the universe. Albert Einsteins theory of General Relativity furthered our knowledge of gravity. Einsteins theory was pretty much the same as Newton's when it came to Earth's gravity, yet when it came to the gravity around black holes, he helped predict many fascinating things about black holes.

 

All objects in black holes are sqeezed into small particles of matter, called the central singularity. The event horizon is an imaginary line (similar to that of the equator) that tells how close to the singularity you can safely get. There is no way to escape a black hole if you go past the event horizon, and you will be squashed into part of the central singularity. Depending on the size of the black hole, the event horizon (also known as the Schwarzchild Horizon, because of the German scientest who discovered it) can be from six miles long, to the size of our solar system. A black hole spins on an axis, that sucks in all matter, creating a whirlwind of debris and all other things even close to it.

 

Black holes all look different because of what they are sucking in. If they sucked nothing in, they would all look the same. Three characteristics distinguish black holes:

 

1. Mass of the hole.

 

2. How it spins

 

3 Its electric charge

 

There are also two types of black holes, that astronomers have discovered by watching what orbits the hole:

 

1. Stellar Mass, which are a couple times heavier than the sun.

 

2. Supermassive, which are heavier than a small galaxy (about four planets and a star)

 

Scientests are also finding evidence of black holes in between these two types. Many scientests also think that black holes rotate, because of what they are created by (stars do rotate). Some scientests think that black holes are charged by electricity, but recent scientific projects are disproving this idea.

 

You can be close to a black hole if you move fast. This is why the Earth does not fall into the sun, because of its orbit speed. Our Earth though, orbits in a circular way, while black holes can vary, and be everywhere. If you shoot a rocketship too slow around a black hole, it will fall in. If it goes to fast, it will fly far off. At middle speeds, you will orbit the hole in various ways.

 

What does a black hole look like? Well, black holes suck in light, thus the region around a hole is a black disk. Light rays close to the hole that do not get sucked in can get bent.

 

If two black holes clash into each other, they will morph into a bigger black hole. This event would be destructive, and simulating it on a computer, even leaves scientists with many questions. This merge would create gravitational waves that could be felt throughout the universe. In some galaxies, we know of black holes that are really close to each other.

 

We could never see what is inside of the black hole, because nothing can escape. Some ideas about what black holes hold in the middle include wormholes to other univeses and galaxies, as well as through time.

 

According to Einsteins thory of General Relativity, around a black hole, time is distorted. If you threw a clock in a black hole, time would slow, and light would reflect off it, burning it and making it red. Now, if you went with the clock, time would move normally, and the clock would not turn red. This is because gravity around a black hole distorts things. If you are moving things seem different than when you are standing still.

 

If you fall into a black hole, you will stretch like a rubber band, and eventually compress into yourself, until you are turned into a part of the central singularity.

 

The sun will not turn into a black hole when it explodes, because it will not be giving out enough energy.

 

Betelgeuse is a red giant, that will not turn into a black hole for the same reasons as our sun.

 

NGC-7027 is a planetary nebula, that once again, will not turn into a black hole because it does not have enough energy.

 

The crab nova is a supernova remnant that will not turn into a black hole.

 

Albireo is a binary star that will not turn into a black hole.

 

Cygnus X-1 is an X-ray binary, that is a black hole because its a stellar mass.

 

M33 a set of extragalactic binaries is a black hole.

 

In the center of our galaxy, we have a black hole, called Milky Way Center.

 

Andromeda galaxy also has a black hole in it.

 

Cygnus-A is a black hole.

 

3c273 was a quaser that turned into a black hole.

 

 

 

And now another random piece I wrote for school, a cheesy choose your own adventure book with a cliffhanger ending that led into a story I cannot find for the life of me. It was pretty violent for school but my teacher for English never cared that I wrote quit violently.

[spoiler=Link to my Choose Your Own Adventure Book]http://docs.google.com/gview?a=v&pid=gmail&attid=0.1&thid=11d5373cf48c6641&mt=application%2Fvnd.ms-powerpoint&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmail.google.com%2Fmail%2F%3Fui%3D2%26ik%3D6ee8b4cfe2%26view%3Datt%26th%3D11d5373cf48c6641%26attid%3D0.1%26disp%3Dattd%26realattid%3Df_fmyyo4wv0%26zw&sig=AHBy-hbxW49CR8I2T_-afwsoWv37ZMeKsQ&pli=1

 

 

More to come very soon, including every thing I ever have posted anywhere on the internet!

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