The Truth About Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer
By Shyla
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This is one of the most shocking truth and probably one of the darkest secrets I've ever uncovered. After careful research with my colleagues (and a couple of shots of tequila), I, we have discovered that "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer," a popular age-old Christmas carol, is actually a song about jealousy, treachery and a love-triangle. Yes, it is that profound. So here's the lyrics that we all know:
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.
"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names" this is what most songbooks have. They toned it down so it'll be fitting for a Christmas carol. But what they really did here is to eliminate the name of one important Reindeer: Olop, Rudolph's cousin. It actually makes sense and I want you to sing it loudly:
Olop, the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
He never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.
Sure Olop may be a bad reindeer but removing him from history? That's a bit harsh don't you think? Where's the writer's Christmas spirit damn it?! And here comes the second part. This is the mainstream lyrics which of course was changed to make Rudolph look like a frikkin hero.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history!
Then there's the love-triangle part. Again they toned it down for the lil kiddies who might be singing this song. And again, they removed one reindeer's name: "Olda." I want you to sing this loudly okay?
Then Olda, reindeer, loved him
as she shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history!
Olop was mad at Rudolph because Olda was his girlfriend, that's why he "bullied" Rudolph. The truth is, he was just telling Rudolph to stay away from his girlfriend. But Rudolph kept coming on to Olda. In the end, Olda chose Rudolph over the poor Olop. But what Olda didn't know is that Rudolph is GAY. I mean why do you think Rudolph's nose is red? He was asking Olda to teach him how to put make-up on his nose that's why he was with her during that foggy Christmas eve. Olda, blinded by reindeer love, didn't think any of this and thought Rudolph was just being well..."expressive." Rudolph kept coming on to her just to use her as cover.
This Christmas, whenever you sing "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" with your family, or hear people singing Christmas carols, or see reindeer on cards or holiday art, I want you to think of Olop, the poor reindeer, who lost his [bleep]ty girlfriend to that treacherous bastard Rudolph. I want you to think of Olop, the reindeer who was supposed to go down in history but was robbed by that opportunistic reindeer named Rudolph.
Remember Olop.
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