Just an Idea

[Nerdling]

This has been bouncing around in my mind for a while, and I have been meaning to use it as a hook into one of my stories. I thought i'd put it in words and see what everybody thinks...

 

 

 

 

 

It looked like something built by an demented clockmaker--myriad layers of turning, grinding, spinning machinery folding in upon themselves. It hurt the eyes to look, but it was at the same time impossible to look away. Like a glimpse into the clockwork mind of an insane god, it was both terrible and fascinating. The light seemed to bend as it passed by, as if it were determined to avoid it at all costs.

 

Slowly, almost painfully, she tore her eyes away, bent down, and grasped it in her gloved hand, careful not to let it touch the bare skin of her arm where the dark leather glove ended. She turned around, slipping it into one of the many pockets of her greatcoat as she faded silently into the flickering shadows...

 

 

 

-=Edit=-

 

Grammar/Punctuation edited on 9/10/07

[Unoalexi]

Umm.. that's it?

 

Look, it's rather short, more like the first descriptive paragraph of a novel.. A good one though, very umm gripping, but we can't really judge your writing skill based on a paragraph- perhaps you could expand this and give it a plot?

[archimage_a]

Ok its a VERY good opening or a really good Hook.

 

However...It has maybe just a bit too much in it. I mean ok it was a demented clockmaker thing...but you use clock work again to describe it as the mind of an insane god.

 

"Light seemed to bend past" How could you possibly see that, if light bent past it then it would be invisible....Sometimes you need to think of reality above fantasy. For me this line just bought the whole thing down a notch or two.

 

"dark leather glove ended." You don't really need the glove bit, we already know she is wearing gloves, to say so again is not really descriptive its just detractive of the overal effect.

 

 

 

On the plus side the character was very believable in the short time we got to know her a little bit. She is clearly an archologist or something of that type because if she was a spy she would be pretty silly to wear a greatcoat. However she might be somehoe connected to the spying bussiness because she slips into the shadows...So it is a sort of mystery that you would perhaps get in a typically macho film. The character is somehow able to do the things that logically don't work.

 

 

 

We also know there is something pretty incredible about this device, as though it somehow defies the laws of physics and of nature. Yet at the same time it obvouisly exists in harmony with them. Being that the character is spell bound by it, it would suggest something divine beyond belief. However it is WRONG in someway. We don't know if thats because the device is evil, or if humans arn't supposed to have it....We just don't know but all those different aspects can be brought to the front of our minds while we ponder the next part of the story.

 

 

 

So as I said it is really good. Like everything it could be improved, but not in any major ways. It has its faults and strengths and sometimes you can't ever get perfection because you will have to sacrifce one thing for another. I hope you do write more of it, and I hope you can keep the standard, or indeed improve upon it in later works. :)

[Harakiri]

Well, we know you can describe well enough but I would have to see a full story to determine your skill. By the way welcome to the forums. And also welcome to the varrock library, sadly the most unlooked at part of the tip it forums.

[Fist_of_ozzy]

It was pretty short, but very nice on description and detail.

 

 

 

It would probably be best if you turned it into an actual story.

[Nerdling]

I really only have a couple shadows of a plot idea for that in my mind. I just wrote down what I had, which wasn't much...

 

 

 

I really like it. It seems a lot better than any of the other hooks for my stories, and I'm glad you guys like it. And yes, maybe it is a bit too descriptive...

 

 

 

and ratchet...this isn't my first time on the forums. I changed my account because I disliked the name of my other one. It was a bit of a handicap.