TheCreator Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 This is my first story, based on the Wilderness, the Mage Arena, and a man named Dalak. Chapter 1: Wilderness Travel Dalak wandered past the large Bounty Hunter volcano. His heavy rune platemail was weighing him down greatly, and the Godsword he scavenged from the God Wars dungeon wasn't helping. Then, he heard a soft sound, like wind through a magic tree. He turned around and a small gray whirlwind was about 5 feet from him. It then morphed into the ghosly form of an orc. He read a line from his prayer book in his pack and a purple bubble surrounded him. The goblin fired a gray ball at him, but it dissipated on contact with the bubble. Dalak walked on and reached the gate that seperated him from the deep Wilderness. He pushed open the gate, and walked through and closed the book as the bubble vanished. Chapter 2: Mage Arena Dalak saw another gray whirlwind in front of him. He leaped and ducked behind the rubble of an old building. He took three astral runes, two cosmic runes and one law rune. He threw them above his head as they fused in a ball of red light and formed a red skull that came down on his head. Dalak also started to glow red. He ran out from his cover and the orc hit him with a white ball. Dalak was knocked down as a red ball flew out of him and hit the orc, which died on contact. Dalak got up and saw the large, hexagonal building; the Mage Arena. He changed into his Mystic Robes and pulled the lever. He appeared inside a large area with two people. He walked up to one in blue robes. "Do you know if Kolidion is here?" asked Dalak. "Well, why do you want him?" the man replied. "I heard I need to challenge him to get a god staff". "Well, I just happen to be Kolidion. I challenge you!" Dalak was surrounded in a purple bubble, and was in another large place, but like the Wilderness, not a building. Chapter 3: A New Kind of Magiks Once both were ready, a bell rang in the distance. Kolidion held his hand out as a purple shadow of a flail appeared. Soon enough, a flail was held in Kolidion's hand. Dalak managed to dodge it as the [bleep]ed ball flew past his chest. It caught his robes, slashing them a bit. He Threw a set of runes at Kolidion which formed into what looked like a blue rope. It held Kolidion in place as Dalak threw another set of runes which formed into a dense cloud of smoke that engulfed Kolidion. "Heh. I have him now" said Dalak. Through the smoke, though, he could see Kolidion taking something out. It was an enchanted branch of the Dramen Tree. Then Kolidion drew a circle around him said and something in a language not known to Dalak. "Kentana Masican Arcana!" A ball of blinding white light appeared from the middle of the circle, above Kolidion's head.. The light grew, expanding nearly as fast as a Bouncer blew up at the Void Knight's Outpost. Dalak was knocked back by a force of the light. He felt like he was being hit by a thousand air waves at once. He was knocked back about 10 feet, and his shoulder was hit against a sharp rock sticking out. Dalak yelled out in pain. "If you're wondering what his magic is" Kolidion said, "it's called Deztrean Magiks, after the lost city of Deztria. It allows you to make weapons out of runes, cast many rituals, and so on. Too bad you wont get the chance to learn them". A ball of red light came out of Kolidions hand and hit Dalak right in the face. And then nothing. I worship Guthix :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harakiri Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Welcome to TIF and the Varrock Library! I am your second in command, Ratchet...I'll let every one fight over who is first in command. ON TOPIC: It was allright, but I don't like the bite size chapters to much... If your writing a short story than I would say to write it all, and if your writing a huge story, then I would say to write longer chapters. Other than a couple mistakes...( last sentence of first chapter...don't use and twice... commas are your friend), it was O.K, but really can't say your a good or terrible writer till I see more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xewleer Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Welcome indeed, you have an interesting short story, I will enjoy reading it, I agree with Ratchet, except for the second command thing... Anyway, do write more, we need more active members (but the write ones) I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harakiri Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Welcome indeed, you have an interesting short story, I will enjoy reading it, I agree with Ratchet, except for the second command thing... Anyway, do write more, we need more active members (but the write ones) Was "Write" entended as a pun? Or was it just a spelling mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 He pushed open the gate, and walked through and closed the book as the bubble vanished. Fundermental rule of grammar I am afraid is not to use and more than once in a sentance. He pushed open the gate. Walking through he closed the book as the bubble vanished. Could also do with a minor bit explaining why the bubble vanished. Mostly because it wasn't clear if it was as a result of him closing the book or he closed the book as a result. Less than a line would do...something along the lines of. He pushed open the gate. Walking through he closed the book as the bubble vanished, stripped away from him by the unholy winds that gripped at the book. Ok I have a tendance to over word things to give them the meaning that I want but you get the general picture. Saying that the bubble disappeared is not half as important as why it disappeared. Anyway welcome to the Library, if Ratchet is your second in command then I am undoubtably your first in command. Simply because I will critise you when you least expect it, but will have good points each time...unlike you second in command that just critises. To be quite serouis I am probably the most direct person here and will critic your stories(if you do not what me to please tell me it makes my life easier) Anyway on with the interror...I mean reply He threw them above his head as they fused in a ball of red light and formed a red skull that came down on his head. Dalak also started to glow red. Firstly before the quote in question you give a listing of the runes used, you don't need to do that. Now then, you also shouldn't(really really) refer to runescape like it was a Game. I know I am being a bit OTT but lets just go with it. When a giant red thing appears above your head, in real life, you are a give away in most surroundings. It is therefore likely that in a realistic world that would not happen it would be simply something that only he could see. Nextly if there is a red light all around you then it is pretty difficult to glow red successfully. From a Literary view point it is extra words that slow the story and don't add anything. The fight is a bit...Oh this happened and then that happened and then this happened. In short it is more Runescape than Runescape fiction. The same is true with the He changed into his Mystic Robes and pulled the lever. "Well, I just happen to be Kolidion. I challenge you!" This is classic. It is also what the majoity of people(myself occationally included) Oh well it just so happens that in the interests of the story that this is now going to happen. Oh look at that it the answer to the quest we were doing, now our lives are complete and we can move on. It is story for stories sake. Look being quite honest I liked the first chapter, and not so much the second chapter, there is alot of potential and you should maybe think about a rewrite...or you can tell me to get lost and I won't comment on your stories, and as Xewleer will tell you there are no hard feelings because you tell me to get lost. :) http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xewleer Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Wait... if all you guys are First and second in command, then what am I? Anyway, yes that was a pun... And yes, you can tell Achimage to get lost, I did... But really, he's not such a bad guy, just our debates got a little too much... Anyway, it would help if you lengthen it. Maybe a couple more descriptions, commas etc. But I do like the story. I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheCreator Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Wait... if all you guys are First and second in command, then what am I? Anyway, yes that was a pun... And yes, you can tell Achimage to get lost, I did... But really, he's not such a bad guy, just our debates got a little too much... Anyway, it would help if you lengthen it. Maybe a couple more descriptions, commas etc. But I do like the story. Yes, I will lengthen this story later :P I worship Guthix :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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