It all started on Christmas Day in Port Sarim. Cold Air from the north and baumy, humid air from the tropics usually met somewhere over the the area. Making for lots of precipitation. Naturally, snow during this time of the year. But as I see Port Sarim on the horizon, it is in ruins.

 

 

 

I can see where the docks were, and I can see the bar near the road to Draynor. But instead of a warm, jolly building sending plumes of smoke from its chimney, its a pile of rubble of ground, sending out a plume of smoke on its own.

 

 

 

I knew they would come. I saw them. I saw the red glow from their ships on Chirstmas Eve, looming on the horizon, somewhere near the ship yard on Karamja. But they didn't care for Karamja. They wanted Asgarnia. And Port Sarim was where they decided to begin.

 

 

 

Christmas Day came. When most of us were supposed be at home feasting, or celebrating in pubs, we found ourselves running for our lives to cross the border into Misthalin, hoping they wouldn't strike us down.

 

 

 

As we crossed the border, what little protection Draynor Village could give us rushed back out.

 

 

 

As we sprinted, we pleaded with whoever we saw in Draynor to come with us, Saradomin knows where. We were all in a panic. And that's when a beam of hope finally arrived.

 

 

 

An odd looking Old Man came bounding out of a house, his staff wielded. He had thick spectacles and a rather expensive-looking hat on, yet I could not help but notice he had a feeling of wisdom about him.

 

 

 

"To me!" he roared. He caught everyone's attention in the knick of time. He bolted off faster than the wind to the south. We followed in his wake. After a few minutes of jogging, we came upon a grand bridge made of stone. I knew immediately it was the local Wizard's Tower.

 

 

 

"Fly!" shouted the Old Man, obviously a sense of panic in his voice. At that moment, several wizards bolted from the tower, ushering us to reach the end of the bridge. When, at last, The Face, her pet cat cleched in her arms, reached the tower, the wizards, in unison, moved their arms and hands in a powerful sweeping motion. The bridge that connected the tower to Misthalin crumbled before our eyes. We could see our home, Port Sarim, glowing from fire on the horizon.

 

 

 

The people of Draynor Village and Port Sarim owed their lives to the Old Man. But if Zamorak's forces found out that we were here, I'm sure even he wouldn't be able to save us.

 

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And thats it for now!!!! Hope you enjoyed the small teaser! I'll be back in the morning with more story! Hopefully (at least) getting 2 chapters out tomorrow!!!! :D :D :D

It's very hard to follow in the beginning... much too disjointed.

O god...another new member...what the hell is going on around here? Are you gonna be a regular to the 'brary? We do need more people, but on topic...the story was like watching a commercial for cloverfield...I wasn't with it and you have a terrible habit of putting periods where they should not be. I am sorry, but I just did not like it too much. Maybe more will tell me how good a writer you are.

 

 

 

Welcome to the brary. Your second in command ratchet here.

 

 

 

Xewleer is the guard, you gotta go through him to see if your a good writer.

 

 

 

Archimage is our leader. He is a mod, and can tell you everything wrong and right about your story. And then their are people who stray here because they have nothing better to do (bluejay).

 

 

 

And Unoalexi is another big critic...

same time post...creepy :ohnoes:

That's correct, I generally read and comment on most things, as I am on for nearly 30% of my day (here and elsewhere nearly constantly) I often see things, many, strange things. Anyway...

 

 

 

Welcome to the Library!

Umm.. what? I couldn't tell what was happening, it was very hard to follow..

 

Make sure your sentences flow together, and don't be afraid to fully explain what's going on. Be descriptive!

 

 

 

It all started on Christmas Day in Port Sarim. Cold Air from the north and baumy, humid air from the tropics usually met somewhere over the the area. Making for lots of precipitation. Naturally, snow during this time of the year. But as I see Port Sarim on the horizon, it is in ruins.

 

 

 

I'm all for unique sentence structure, but too many convoluted sentences can make your story hard to understand. Also, make sure you don't have any sentence fragments. You need a subject and a verb in every sentence!

 

 

 

Instead of-

 

Making for lots of precipitation

 

This sentence has no subject!

 

Say-The air masses clashed together, creating a large amount of precipitation

 

 

 

Instead of-

 

Naturally, snow during this time of the year.

 

This sentence has no verb!

 

Say-Due to the present date, this precipitation fell from the clouds in the form of snow, covering the land in a thick, white blanket.

 

 

 

You could even combine the two thought together in one sentence.

 

The clashing air masses spawned many powerful snowstorms, which coated the surrounding land in a layer of thick, withe fluff.

 

 

 

Also, make sure to only place a line break before and after a paragraph, not between each and every sentence.