My first story on the TIF was not exactly a huge hit, but was still reviewed all right, even though it was plagued by an unexcusable amount of grammatical mistakes.

 

Club Penguin Vs. Runescape

 

the history of the war against the penguins is not very helpful to understanding runescapes past but its funny. one day the wizard mizgog was bored to death and decided to create a random portal to take him to some random place. suddenly he was taken to club penguin where he almost froze to death. two penguins got through the portal and entered runescape. as they waddled around the wizards tower, they were caught by a wizard and taken to ardounge zoo. the wizard meanwhile was being tortured by the penguins. with nothing better to do he told the penguins of the riches they would find in runescape. the penguins were happy to hear about money and gold and decided to enter the portal armed with their trademarked kill fishes. a couple wizards were slapped to death by the fish and the penguins entered draynor where few survived the aggressive dark wizard. as they continued they're quest wizard mizgog told the penguins in club penguin about global warmimg. the penguins all screamed and pretty much killed themselves when mizgog showed a green potion to them that he siad contained greenhouse gasses. suddenly a giant monster came out of nowhere.

 

 

 

"Holy crap!!! a monster made it out of runescape! oh no...Jagex created a level 522 monster today!!the Kraken! Damn the updates!!"

 

 

 

wizard mizgog began shooting at the kraken with powerful spells. suddenly the creator of club penguin appeared. he was short with a pointed noise, a tuxedo on and had an umbrella in his hand. he had a bunch of penguins behind him with red and white rockets strapped to their backs.

 

 

 

"You have destroyed my game, a culmination of my lifes work and many of my closest friends. now look at it! suicidal penguins, level 56 green house gasses(thank you jagex, thought mizgog), and now the iceberg is melting. you bastard! die!"

 

 

 

the suicidal penguins shot at mizgog. he dodged and watched as they rammed into the kraken. the rockets hit 26 to 35 points of damage. suddenly a black caped figure dressed up as a bat appeared.

 

 

 

"what the hell are you doing here? you are not in runescape are you?" asked the club penguin creator.

 

 

 

"no...but they put me on a flash game on miniclips.com and now i have some how been transported here." he answered.

 

 

 

"some kid has you on tab and us on a tab too! damn you children!"

 

 

 

wizard mizgog walked up to the creator. "don't worry, your games were made for children, our game was made for teens but loser 9 year olds now come on and be complete [wagon] and noobs. even i have reported some and I'm an NPC!!!"

 

 

 

wizard mizgog left the site and entered the portal back to runescape and closed it up.

 

 

 

the rest of the penguins were killed by the guards in draynor, surrounding the prison, they're body fat was used to make people become fat on runescape(damn Jagex's new updates...now look at me) and the writer of this prepared his real first story," a level 126 and his noob"

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

MY RATING: 12%

 

 

 

Another such story, with a so-so review.

 

Suicide Mission

 

Chris was thrown into a small room with a bed and a desk as the only furnishings. The alien creature who had dragged him all the way into the room walked over to the desk, the talons of his feet almost slicing Chris's leg. The alien pushed a button and a computer of a peculiar size and shape appeared on the desk. It was octagonal, and was flat. It was very large for a computer.

 

 

 

A keyboard appeared. It was a normal keyboard. The alien pushed Chris, with his scaly hand, out of his way and left the room. The door was closed and locked on Chris.

 

 

 

Chris looked at his new room. It had white tiles and white wall paper and a white ceiling, it was like a hospitals emergency room. The bed was lumpy and not very comfortable. Chris sat on it anyway. He looked at the computer. He had no chair to sit in and get onto the internet to see what was happening on Earth.

 

 

 

Chris was in the army. He was fighting to keep the Kritlon alien race from taking over the planet. But, he was captured. He had seen many things during that war that no man should see. Dead babies in the hands of crying mothers. People, their guts hanging out from their stomach, trying to say goodbye to there families.

 

 

 

He dismissed these thoughts. The war had destroyed Earth. The only reason he was kept alive was to work onboard the ship as a slave.

 

 

 

A bell rang. Chris looked up at the door and an alien blob told him that it was recreation time. Chris was brought to a small, rectangular room, full of gym equipment. Ten other slaves were there, doing all sorts of gymnastics. Chris went to the weights and started lifting them. Once the blob left and locked the room the slaves all huddled together.

 

 

 

"I can't believe we have been caught by these aliens!"

 

 

 

All the slaves nodded there heads.

 

 

 

"They have only twenty men in their army but have wiped out the earth. We are probably the only survivors of the massacre."

 

 

 

Chris looked at the rest of the slaves.

 

 

 

"I will not stand to be used as a slave. We need to find a way to kill them, no matter the cost." Chris said this the best he could. Images started flashing into his mind. His wife.His son. His family. His friends. His life.

 

 

 

His life. This is what it leads up to. Him becoming a slave. Him having to watch people die. Him having to walk through the blood soaked streets of the aliens last massacre. He wanted to kill himself. He had nothing else.

 

 

 

Kill himself. Yes, do that. Be a wuss. Don't see what God has in store for you just go kill yourself. Negative thinking is always good. So your going to be one of those aliens victims. Go ahead, kill yourself.

 

 

 

No. I am not a wuss...I just

 

 

 

You just what? You will find a way to defeat the aliens.

 

 

 

No! They are to powerful

 

 

 

Negative thinking Chris. Jesus you are becoming a mental breakdown.

 

 

 

I wonder why.

 

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

Because,my families dead. My friends. What about that?

 

 

 

Your friends? In the army you dont make friends because you know they have a large possibility of dying.

 

 

 

Shut the hell up...

 

 

 

The bell rang and the blob brought everyone to a small dinghy room. It had a table in it and some random scraps of food on broken pieces of china.Chris ate all the potato chips and ham sandwiches he could and then was escorted to his room.

 

 

 

The lights were turned off and Chris thought that meant it was bed time. He tried to sleep on the lumpy bed but it took him an hour to find a comfortable position. Then, the dreams

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

"Soldier, god bless you..."

 

 

 

The old man was bleeding everywhere. He fell into Chris's hands, dead. Chris set him down and took out his machine gun and put a new clip into it. He ran down the street.

 

 

 

A woman screamed for him. He stopped and saw that she had a black and shriveled up looking baby in her hands. she pointed at a building.

 

 

 

Chris walked inside to see his family having pleasant conversations. Then, he saw an alien jump through a large window and shoot them all. Chris felt their hot blood splash against his face.

 

 

 

"NOOOO!" He yelled. He was knocked out by the but of an aliens pistol.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Chris woke up and breathed heavily.He got up and went to the computer. He was not going to be able to go to sleep for a long time, not until he can dismiss the thoughts of the war...

 

MY RATING: 15%

 

 

 

Next comes one of my personal favorites, it was hilarious and fun.

 

Blue Jay Files

 

EPISODE 1

 

THE HISTORY OF THE NOOB POLICE

 

 

 

In order for me to find out some history about the noob police I journeyed to Camelot. I was allowed entrance to the castle there and I met with Merlin, who recently was saved by an adventurer who destroyed the crystal he was trapped in.

 

 

 

Me:What do you know of the Noob Police's history?

 

Him: I have been trapped in that crystal for a while, who are the Noob police?

 

Me: If you don't know who they are then why are you called the all knowing Merlin?

 

Him: It makes me sound smart.

 

 

 

After a few choice replies, King Arthur had me personally escorted out by Sir Robin and some singing fellow. The king said I had insulted Merlin by calling him the not knowing Merlin. Apparently, Merlin was only to be called that by Arthur:

 

 

 

Him: You do not call the not knowing Merlin that!

 

Me: Than why did you just call him that?

 

Him:Because I am the King and I have known Merlin for some time.

 

Me: Do you know anything of the noob police?

 

Him: Did you ask Merlin?

 

Me:

 

 

 

So sir Robin escorted me out.

 

 

 

Him: I can't believe you said that to his face. So mean of you.

 

Some Guy: Brave Brave Sir Robin, thinks reporters mean, Brave Brave Brave Brave sir Robin.

 

Him: Shut up!

 

Some Guy: Brave Brave Sir Robin Told me to shut up, Brave Brave, Brave,Brave sir Robin.

 

Him: Please escort yourself out, while I deal with this man.

 

 

 

So, Merlin had no clue. So I left to go to Falador, where Archimages library resided. I would ask the smartest man on earth to help me on my search for history.

 

 

 

I got there soon and it was quite a trip. Fans flocked after me.

 

 

 

Once I entered the library, Archimage set me on a comfy seat and told me to tell him what I thought were on these cards. The cards had blotches of ink on them.

 

 

 

Me: I am not here for a psychiatrist!

 

Him: Well then what are you here for?

 

Me: Knowledge.

 

Him: Very well. What would you like the knowledge of?

 

Me: The noob police.

 

Him: Ha! If the noob police put their I.Q together they would still be stupider than an autoer.

 

Me: Autoers are computers and those are smart.

 

Him: Very funny. Ha.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Did you know that the F.B.I have a place called Third Echelon where they train these spies called splinter cells to infiltrate the worlds most top secret places. The Russian embassy seems to have nukes hiding under it.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Oh, I was just saying how great a hacker I was.

 

Me: Please teach me about the Noob police.

 

Him: I have much better things to learn about than a bunch of buffoons who help people who cannot cope with, out of all things, Noobs!]

 

 

 

So I would not get anything out of Archimage. I had to find someone. But who? Then it hit me. I would go to the noob police headquarters!

 

 

 

The walk there was simple. The building was tall and rectangular. I entered to a sitting room where I read runesweek for a while. Then in came Blue Jay.

 

 

 

Him: How you doing?

 

Me: All right.

 

Him: What you want to learn about? Our methods? Our weapons?

 

Me: Your history.

 

Him: Did you graduate college?

 

Me: Yes why?

 

Him: No wonder.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Nothing.

 

Me: So lets hear some history.

 

Him: Well we started in the first age.

 

Me: Any specific date?

 

Him: No. And if there was I would not care.

 

Me: What happened when it started?

 

Him: Uh...what do you think?

 

Me: I dunno.

 

Him: I thought you graduated college.

 

Me: I did.

 

Him: Than you should have read it out of the history books.

 

Me: I did not take history classes!

 

Him: Than why do you care all of a sudden.

 

Me: Its for a T.V show!

 

Him: With that camera, looks like your taping a black and white no sound movie.

 

AHAHAHAHAHA

 

Me: What was that?

 

Him: Oh, the history channel is making a documentary on the history of this place.

 

Me: Why didn't you tell me you knew something about this place?

 

Him: Because I don't! They have the college textbook.

 

 

 

So my journey took me to the cells, where the history channel were taping a show on the jail. The camera man had the camera on a tripod and a history book in his hands.

 

 

 

Him: Chapter 2 Jail Time.

 

Me: Let me borrow that book.

 

Him: No. Look man I am making a documentary.

 

Me: Let me borrow it for my show.

 

Him: Make me!

 

Me: You are beginning to sound like a guy from those dreadful Snake and Noob stories. So many random bouts of fighting.

 

Him: Did you know that the last chapter of Snake and Noob has been written.

 

Me: Than what will happen to Snake and Noob?

 

Him: Well, the author is now going to add the Noob police into the second god war and a surprise twist for ***** where he ********* ***** and ****** and his new job as a ********* ****** turns out to ****** ****.

 

Me: You just gave the whole plot summary to me! There is no point in reading them anymore!

 

Him: Sorry.

 

Me: Just give me that book.

 

Him: No way.

 

Me: Come on.

 

Him: No!

 

 

 

A very amazing thing happened. The people liked the first episode! They wanted more randomness and wanted a better name than the blue jay files. It was then called. THE RANDOM SHOW: BLUE JAY FILES!

 

 

 

(Now with 30% more WTF juice added)

 

EPISODE 2

 

A completely random episode

 

 

 

I was now on the lookout for signs of the noob polices whereabouts. It was gonna be one hell of a day when I caught up with Blue Jay.

 

 

 

Him:I told you I don't know anything about our history.

 

Me: No this episode is about your weapons.

 

Him: Wow, I did not know you were that cool.

 

Me: What do you mean?

 

Him:Well, I thought you were a dork for liking history.

 

Me: Do you read a bible of Saradomin?

 

Him: Screw Saradomin.

 

Me: WHAT? Then who do you pray to?

 

Him: No one. I prayed everyday when I was a child and look where I am now!

 

Me: Whats so bad about your job?

 

Him: What isn't? Company picnics, company paperwork, the company football matches. Oh for gods sake the WHOLE COMPANY!

 

Me: You said god...haha. And what the hell is football?

 

Him: A game.

 

Me: What kind?

 

Him: The kind you play.

 

Me: Screw you.

 

Him: You are gay!

 

Me:

 

Him: You should look at your face!

 

 

 

So I went to the Noob police headquarters where I meet the man in charge of the armory. His name was:

 

 

 

Him: What the hell are you doing back?

 

Me: Not you again!

 

Him: Not you again!

 

Me: So show me some weapons.

 

Him: Fine then.

 

Me: Where are they?

 

Him: In the employees only section.

 

Me: Can I enter?

 

Him: No you are not an employee.

 

Me: Fine, what could I sign up for?

 

Him: We need an intern.

 

Me: O.K

 

Him: Fine go talk to the boss and get a interview.

 

 

 

After reading the newest copy of Praise Saradomin, I was allowed in the offices where the boss was hard at work, playing with some action figures.

 

 

 

Him: Welcome.

 

Me: Hello.

 

Him: Your name

 

Me: Uh, I am just called the voice.

 

Him: Why?

 

Me: Because no one calls me a name.

 

Him: How about Rumplestiltskin?

 

Me: Why that?

 

Him: I don't know.

 

Me: How about killer?

 

Him: How about you leave all the questions to me in this interview.

 

Me: One question?

 

Him: Fine.

 

Me: Why are you hiding under that hood Blue jay?

 

Him: Uh, I am not blue jay, I am just a Sith.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Fear the power of the dark side.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Nothing I am blue jay. Ha ha you are smart enough to be a lawyer!

 

Me: I was once.

 

Him: What happened.

 

Me: I said that a Chinese woman stabbed someone with a fork. And guess what?

 

Him: What?

 

Me: He was actually stabbed with chop sticks!

 

Him: So?

 

Me: I lost my job.

 

Him: So?

 

Me: No sympathy?

 

Him: Well that was a stupid mistake. Everybody knows the Chinese don't use forks.

 

Some one: Hay.

 

Him: Sorry Mr. Lee. He's the janitor.

 

 

 

So I got the intern job and was allowed in the armory after a tour of the facility.

 

 

 

Him: This is the waiting room.

 

Me: Really? I would have never guessed.

 

Him: Why is it wet over here.

 

Me: Where was the bathroom again? Just for future reference.

 

 

 

Him: This is the cafeteria.

 

Me: Why are we at the donut store?

 

Him: You noobies. So pathetic.

 

 

 

Him: This is the nooby training ground. Meet our new recruit Snake.

 

Snake: Hi.

 

Me: What are you here for?

 

Snake: Well, there was an accident and I let a Zamorakian mage take Pandora's Box and now there is a slight problem between the new god of hell and the old one. And I am here to help defeat the noobs coming from the pits of hell to help Zamorack out and save Noob from an eternity of suffering in hell.

 

Me: Nice story...made me wanna kill you because its all your fault that this war is happening!

 

Snake: Sorry. Lets see you do better.

 

Me: I could!

 

Snake: Lets see you.

 

Me: O.K please don't punch me. I am just, uh, so forgiving of you for bringing the land to war.

 

Snake: I don't like you.

 

Me: And I don't like you.

 

Him: And I won't like either of you if you don't shut yourselves up and watch the training video.

 

 

 

Welcome to the training video. Thank you for watching the training video.

 

 

 

Me: Uh, what the hell was that?

 

Him: Oh, the video.

 

Me: I did not learn anything!

 

Him: What do you expect to learn?

 

Me: What methods to use...

 

Him: What should you care? Your our intern!

 

Snake: What about me?

 

Him: You get an informational pamphlet.

 

Snake: These are stick figures beating on each other.

 

Him: So?

 

Snake: What am I to learn from this other than that you can not draw.

 

Him: That was giant blue jay who drew that.

 

Me: Who is giant blue jay?

 

Bird: Caa Caa Caa.

 

Him: You will find out more about him.

 

Me: Good lets go.

 

Him: Good this episode is over. Next time you will meet him.

 

 

 

(No one here was payed to say anything. They are not actors. We swear!)

 

 

 

(This is not a by product of Russia)

 

EPISODE 3

 

A GIANT BIRD

 

 

 

Him: Oh crap, I had not realized that this would be a back to back episode kind of day.

 

Me: Yay I get to see a giant Blue Jay!

 

Him: I know...is it not the most amazing thing ever?

 

Me: When do I get to see the weapons anyway?

 

Him: Soon, we are getting there.

 

Me: Good.

 

Him: Follow me to the bird cage.

 

 

 

The bird cage was huge and the bird was a beauty. It was blue.

 

 

 

Me: That bird is Blue!

 

Him: Great observation. It is a blue bird.

 

Me: Is it a he or a she?

 

Him: I really don't know. Maybe I should check.

 

 

 

Well that was my undoing. The next time I saw Blue Jay conscious was on a stretcher.

 

 

 

Him: You are paying my medical bills.

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: You asked me to do that.

 

Me: Like I knew birds were sensitive!

 

Him: I might sue you to.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: I need a lawyer though.

 

Me: I am a lawyer.

 

Him: Hired.

 

 

 

As you can see this show was going way off script and well, Oh, did I say script? I am sorry. So used to that word. It was not going according to plan.

 

 

 

The judge was a nice lady. She was amazed at the way I defended Blue Jay and also fought for my own case.

 

 

 

Me: My client says that on the date of the twenty fourth of July.

 

Me: Rejection your honor.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Me: It was the twenty fifth so oooo.

 

Me: And you are going to lose this case.

 

Judge: And I am getting annoyed as hell.

 

 

 

The Court ruled in favor of Blue Jay because all the people were conned before hand with the money I had to give to Blue Jay for winning.

 

 

 

Conning the money off my mom was hard.

 

 

 

The next day at work, we were heading for the armory.

 

 

 

Me: I can't wait!

 

Him: Opps, the door is locked. Now where is that key. This one? Nope.

 

Me: Hurry!

 

Him: This one? Nope not this one.

 

Me: Hurry please.

 

Him: Why?

 

Me: I just have this instinct telling me something bad is about to happen.

 

Him: Well what if I told you I lost the key? Is that the bad thing?

 

Me: Wait 3,2,1...

 

RING RING RING

 

Him: WOW! YOU ARE AN AWESOME PSYCHIC.

 

Me: Whats that alarm mean?

 

Him: Will all available men report for duty.

 

Me: I am now fighting?

 

Him: Yes...please follow me...Oh, Snake follow me.

 

Me: Are we gonna break into the armory?

 

Him: Nope.

 

Me: Then where are we gonna get weapons.

 

Him: Here.

 

Me: Off a tree.

 

Him: Everybody pick a branch and see who got the biggest and sturdiest one next episode.

 

Me: That was a short episode.

 

Him: I know.

 

Me: Why is that.

 

Mysterious voice: Because...I feel like it.

 

Me: You! You are...

 

Mysterious voice: Thats right, your creator.

 

Me: Mommy?

 

Mysterious voice: Ha...your mom created you, who can say transsexual?

 

Me: You made me say that!

 

Mysterious voice: No I did not!

 

Him: Ha, our intern was created by a manwoman.

 

 

 

(servings per episode= 2 many)

 

Episode 4

 

War with sticks

 

 

 

Him: Prepare your sticks!

 

Snake: Mine is flimsy!

 

Me: Ha mine is...

 

Snake: Snatch!

 

Me: Hay, that was uncalled for!

 

Snake: Ha ha.

 

 

 

War. War is when two or more people in different groups fight each other. I thought it was cool that we were going to war. But the sticks we were using were hardly weapons at all. I had a strange feeling about Snake though, as we marched off to our warzone.

 

 

 

The battle was intense, and thankfully we just watched. There was a nice river in the way so we sat and had a picnic. Nothing fancy. Just our emergency rations. Stale Quaker Oat Bar anyone?

 

 

 

Soon we said screw it and left back to the Noob Police station where Blue Jay discovered that the keys to the armory were in his pocket the whole time.

 

 

 

The armory had glass cases everywhere, showing armaments beyond anyones imagination.

 

 

 

Me: So what is this one?

 

Him: A mind rune.

 

Me: Whats it do?

 

Him: Makes us feel smart when we hold it.

 

Me: Can I hold it?

 

Him: Sure, handle it carefully.

 

Me: Not feeling very smart.

 

Him: Well that just sucks huh? I will take that.

 

 

 

Me: What is this?

 

Him: A cape.

 

Me: Whats it do?

 

Him: When we throw it over people, they scream and run into something yelling " I am blind." For some reason when we take this off them, their eyes are not there and it looks like they were terrible burned.

 

Me: Because of this LCD Light implanted on the inside?

 

Him: Oh, how'd get there?

 

 

 

Him: And finally...

 

Me: A real weapon?

 

Him: A banana.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: What if a nuke is coming at us and we have run out of people and limbs to eat. There is always a banana.

 

Me: How will you unpeel it?

 

Him: I DON"T KNOW!

 

 

 

So with that, I left. I went on to bigger and better things. I went back to Archimage Studios.

 

 

 

Him: Welcome back.

 

Me: Yup.

 

Him: Successful video?

 

Me: Somewhat.

 

Him: Took you long enough to get a tour of the place.

 

Me: Sorry, I had to learn other things you know.

 

Him: So...

 

Me: This is gonna be on T.V!

 

Him: No its not!

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Not till we get a video of you infiltrating the building and seeing how penetrable it is.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Archimage's request.

 

Me: Archimage can stick it up his...

 

HIM: I can what? I am sorry, I can't hear much over the radio waves.

 

Him: He is making fun of you sir.

 

HIM: What? The enemies are stuffing rare spinach roles down our throats?

 

Him: No sir.

 

HIM: I better help you guys, but I have a patient here. Sorry.

 

Some guy: I ama ama ama crazyyyy, looopppy, nuuutsss.

 

 

 

The transmission was cut off and I was then made to infiltrate the Noob Police Headquarters with a camera on my head.

 

 

 

The infiltration part was easy. I just put up a sign for free donuts over the mayors house. Now I was in and nothing happened. I walked out. And was surrounded by Noob Police.

 

 

 

My capture was violent:

 

 

 

Him: Your coming with me sir with funny head.

 

Me: Its a camera.

 

Him: Are you back talking me?

 

Me: No.

 

Him: Back talk me again!

 

Me: What'cha gonna do about it tubby.

 

Him: Use this tazor.

 

Me: AUGH! THE PAIN! YOU BAST...

 

Him: 2000 volts.

 

Me: I AM GONNA Pass out

 

 

 

The court case was swift and I had to do a years worth of community service, for the noob police. And the T.V show I was making was now live and stupid. And just when I entered the Noob police report startled us.

 

 

 

THIS IS THE 6:02 NEWS

 

 

 

Me: Oh my god.

 

Him: Oh my god.

 

Some guy: These are the best news people ever.

 

 

 

WE ARE LIVE AT AL KHARID WHERE THE EVIL ZAMORRAK MAGE WHO RESURRECTED ZAMMORAK (THANKS TO ARCHIMAGE FOR THE TIP, SNAKE WILL SEE SOME PEOPLE ON STRIKE OUTSIDE HIS HIDING PLACE TOMORROW) IS NOW RESURRECTING NOOBY, THE GOD OF NOOBS. THE NOOB POLICE ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AS USUAL AND WE JUST LAY IN WAIT AS THIS WAR CONTINUES AND OUR CRAPPY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS JUST SIT ON THEIR COUCHES AND WATCH THESE NEWS REPORTS. I BET THEY ARE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.

 

 

 

Me: How'd he know?

 

Him: Damn the news channels are on to us. I guess we gotta get off our lazy [wagon] and work.

 

 

 

And so begun my first real mission with the noob police, and a real mission that almost killed me.

 

 

 

(parenthesis)

 

BLUE JAY FILES EPISODE 5

 

NOOBY

 

 

 

Al Kharid has always been a town I hate. Sand. I hate sand. And there is not much to do. Oh wow, they have a giant mine. Maybe I would care if these stupid dummies could figure out what bug repellent was. And that dumb kid giving out old fliers...I JUST HATE HIM.

 

 

 

Him: Excuse me sir...great deals.

 

Me: Go play with some other children.

 

Him: But sir, great deals!

 

Me: You ever read those fliers?

 

Him: No, but I know there are great deals on it.

 

Me: How do you know?

 

Him: Well, I broke my brothers legs and my mom told me to hand these out to passerby.

 

Me: You people are stupid.

 

 

 

We found the Zamorrakian mage and Nooby and Snake...

 

 

 

 

 

Is this thing on? Hi my name is Archimage and I will explain to you what is going on. Snake is drawing the sword of the gods. He seems to be screaming obsceneties at the mage. The mage just told him to shove it up his. Oh lord, he is telling Nooby to attack Snake. Snake is really gonna...

 

 

 

 

 

SNAKES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

 

By: Snake

 

 

 

...and here came Nooby. Well I left hooked him and POW! He fell to the ground crying. I was about to throw him into the nearby river, but that stupid mage came up behind me and sliced my back open. Those police guys watched, so I ran back and pushed this reporter guy back...

 

 

 

 

 

...I was scared as hell, and I drew my sword and watched as the mage proceeded towards me calling me names. Name I heard in my childhood.

 

 

 

Him: You are weak

 

Him: You are stupid

 

Him: You are truly developmentally delayed...

 

 

 

That was it. The words that that geek back in High School used. The ones I did not understand...

 

 

 

 

 

Him: Hay everyone, look at reporter!

 

Me: What?

 

Him: You are wearing loafers!

 

Me: Because I am rich.

 

Him: No because you are developmentally delayed.

 

Me: Why not say [developmentally delayed].

 

Him: Who am I?

 

Me: A geek.

 

Him: Which means?

 

Me: You use big words.

 

Him: DUH!

 

Me: Like osteoperosis. And supercalifragelisticexpealadocious.

 

Him: I think thats a little to far. But you are developmentally delayed! HA!

 

 

 

 

 

I was ready to kill. I was honed on his head. I had my hand clenched hard on my swords hilt. Sweat fell down my arms. I was sweating like crazy. Suddenly, I ran. No thoughts. Just his blood spattering on my face.

 

 

 

I am sorry to say that that blood was my own. I scratched that mage. JUST A SCRATCH!

 

 

 

Snake jumped in again...

 

 

 

 

 

SNAKES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

 

By: Snake

 

...and I mean, how could that reporter be so stupid? I am gonna swing my sword back in forth like a scythe when you are cutting the brush. I mean come on man. Noob could have done better.

 

Well I jumped in and cut that dudes robes off. I mean, they fell. This dude was wearing nothing but a speedo. Don't ask me.

 

This dude was pissed and I could tell by the fire coming from his eyes. And that last sentence was not to tell how mad he was. He really was burning.

 

Nooby took a fork and tried to relinquish the flames. It did not help. I watched the out of control mage run around. Fire started everywhere and sand was being turned into glass. The glass was terribly soft in this one spot and the mage fell into it. The glass moulded around him and that was the end of his magic freakshow.

 

The fire stopped and I asked him what happened...

 

 

 

 

 

Him: I just went nuts when you made me exposed.

 

Snake: Sorry, and by the way, why are you wearing a speedo?

 

Him: Why were you looking are you gay?

 

Blue Jay: Why have I not been in this episode? This is my show right?

 

Me: No it is called the random show.

 

Him: Oh my god! I am on The Random Show? I love that show!

 

Me: Its only been on for four episodes.

 

Him: SO? I LOVE IT!

 

Me: Well thanks a lot.

 

Him: You are so welcome!

 

Nooby: Hi everyone, have you seen my undies yet?

 

Everyone: OH MY ********************************!!!

 

 

 

Well I am sorry to say that we had to see that. Well, we were now after Nooby, who thought we were playing tag.

 

 

 

THE NOOB POLICE TELETHON!!!

 

 

 

Yeah, welcome everyone to the second annual Noob Police Telethon.

 

 

 

Me: There was a first one?

 

 

 

Some guy: That was last year when they actually did their job.

 

 

 

I am so sorry for that rude interuption. Now then we will start with three minutes on the clock. We are looking to make about three hundred thousand dollars more than last years twenty two million. Ready? Call!

 

 

 

...................

 

...................

 

........RING!

 

 

 

Him: Hello? Is there a mister Seymoure [wagon] here? Nope I am sorry sir. Goodbye.

 

 

 

..............

 

 

 

Two minutes!

 

 

 

...RING!

 

 

 

Him: Would you like to give us some money? Wow! Well thanks.

 

 

 

Well?

 

 

 

Him: My brothers wife is having a BABY!

 

 

 

Well congrats...

 

 

 

Him: Uh, Who cares? That means I am an Uncle.

 

 

 

So?

 

 

 

Him: I have to waste my money on the little snot.

 

 

 

RING!

 

 

 

Him: Yes. Oh, your watching the show. Well uh, wrong number.

 

 

 

.............

 

.....RING!

 

 

 

Me: Hello? Oh and how much is this donation? We do accept millions of dollars. Why sir? Bastard! Hello? Hello?

 

 

 

DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO ONE OF THESE?

 

 

 

RING!

 

 

 

Hello? Why thank you.

 

 

 

Him: How much?

 

 

 

A donation of two coins.

 

 

 

Me: WOW!

 

 

 

He gets a gold star on our bulletin board. Oh, does this sign say people who gave us lots of money? Lets change that.

 

 

 

Me: It says: People who actually gave us money.

 

 

 

Yup.

 

 

 

RING!

 

 

 

Yes? Archimage studios wishes to donate? How much? A paper clip. Great thanks.

 

 

 

Another star on the wall.

 

 

 

Me: This sucks.

 

 

 

Oh no. Times up. Now then lets count how much we made....

 

 

 

TWO DOLLARS AND A PAPER CLIP!

 

 

 

Me: HOORAY!

 

 

 

Now lets talk to someone here who is also gonna be someone you can donate money to.

 

 

 

Aubury: I am here to get money so we can continue the researching of runes.

 

 

 

THREE MINUTES! START!

 

 

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

 

 

Me: WE HAVE TO MANY CALLS! THIS IS OVERWHELMING ME!

 

 

 

Oh you wuss!

 

 

 

Him: OH NOES! MY PHONE!

 

 

 

BOOM!!!

 

 

 

Me: OH MY GOD YOUR PHONE!

 

 

 

Him: ITS ALL OVER THE PLACE!

 

 

 

Aubury: Why is there a piece of phone wedged in my head?

 

 

 

Oh let me pull that out.

 

 

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

 

 

Me: SAVE ME!

 

 

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

 

 

BOOM!

 

 

 

Aubury: Oh my god! When will the phones stop attacking me?

 

 

 

Well uh, please hand in the donation sheets.

 

 

 

Bonnie in Varrock gives Aubury twelve thousand dollars.

 

James gives Aubury twenty two thousand dollars

 

 

 

LATER:

 

Ralph from Falador gives Aubury eleven thousand dollars.

 

 

 

MUCH LATER:

 

Phil gives Aubury his childs college fund.

 

 

 

O.K, thats over! Very good. Aubury makes:

 

 

 

250,025,365

 

 

 

No way!

 

 

 

Aubury: Thanks guys!

 

 

 

Now its time for the white knights of falador to take your pledges...

 

 

 

RING!!

 

 

 

I HAVE NOT EVEN TOLD YOU TO START CALLING YET!

 

 

 

THE NOOB POLICE NEED MONEY!

 

A BLUE JAY FILES SPECIAL EVENT

 

 

 

Blue Jays attempt:

 

 

 

Voice: THIS IS...Jeopardy.

 

Him: I am Archimage and today we will figure out random and pathetically hard questions. Blue Jay gets first choice.

 

Blue: I pick stopping noobs for 100.

 

Him: These people are police, specializing in stopping noobs.

 

Blue: Uh, the Bush Administration?

 

 

 

AS YOU CAN SEE HIS FIRST ATTEMPT DID NOT WORK.

 

 

 

Voice: WELCOME TO THE PRICE IS RIGHT!

 

Him: I am Archimage and this is the Price is Right. Here is our first item up for bid.

 

Voice: This beautiful blue police box that seems to be unlockable.

 

Audience: OOOOOOHHHHHH!!

 

Voice: Its uh, Blue and Uh...just bid!

 

Blue: 500 fivers Archimage.

 

Him: What?

 

Blue: Learn your math.

 

Him: Learn to play.

 

Some guy: You guys need to learn to not take things that are not yours!

 

Him: Who are you?

 

Some guy: The doctor.

 

Him: How'd you get in? What is that?

 

Some guy: A sonic screwdriver.

 

Him: Whats it...Ouch.

 

Some guy: Oh, hello. He is just knocked out. And i would run if I were you.

 

Blue: You are funny.

 

Some guy: Bye then.

 

Robot: EXTERMINATE!

 

 

 

BLUE ESCAPED BY THROWING A RACCOON AT THE GARBAGE CAN SHAPED THING.

 

 

 

SNAKES ATTEMPT:

 

 

 

Him: Welcome back to wheel of fortune. The clue is "Saying".

 

PLEASE

 

-UCK

 

ME

 

--

 

Him: Snake would you like to answer?

 

Snake: Uh. ***************************

 

Audience: Oh my god!

 

Him: NO NO NO!

 

Snake: What?

 

Him: There go our ratings. Ann you want to answer?

 

Ann: Please tuck me in?

 

Him: Thats right!

 

 

 

SNAKES SECOND ATTEMPT:

 

 

 

Snake: Step right up. Lots of fun! Play my slot machine.

 

Kid: Can I try mom?

 

Mom: After me honey.

 

 

 

AFTER 50 ATTEMPTS:

 

 

 

Mom: This is rigged!

 

Snake: Why do you say that?

 

Mom: The slots don't even move when I pull the lever!

 

Snake: Oh, well, I gotta go.

 

 

 

MY ATTEMPT:

 

 

 

Me: I am ready for this fight.

 

Sumo: [garden tool] Hee Ha!

 

Me: Grr!

 

Sumo: GRRRR!

 

 

 

I AM IN THE MIDDLE:

 

).)

 

 

 

Goodbye dear world.

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Don't think I write this from my mothers basement)

 

 

 

It was the day we had been waiting for. Castle Wars day. Noob Police against the police. We would win.

 

 

 

Once we were on our separate teams, the battle began.

 

 

 

Him: O.K people we have to devise a plan.

 

Me: Kill everyone in our way as we steal the flag.

 

Him: No. We will all defend our flag.

 

Me: Don't we want someone getting the enemies flag?

 

Him: Yeah, you.

 

Me: ME?

 

Him: ARE YOU DEAF? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

 

Me: YES!

 

Him: Good.

 

 

 

And so the battle began. I grabbed some band aids.

 

 

 

Him: What the hell are you doing?

 

Me: Getting some band aids.

 

Him: What the hell are you?

 

Me: A human.

 

Him: No other than that.

 

Me: A mammal.

 

Him: NO!

 

Me: For gods sake man I am not deaf.

 

Him: WHAT?

 

Me: Go away.

 

 

 

I exited and fled down stairs.

 

 

 

Him: Why are you taking the stairs?

 

Me: To get down.

 

Him: Only old people use stairs.

 

Me: Than what do you use?

 

Him: Ladders.

 

Me: Really?

 

Him: Yeah watch.

 

 

 

He walked out of the room we started off on.

 

 

 

Him: Damn! I should have known that you don't slide down it.

 

 

 

I ran down the stairs only to meet a barricade.

 

 

 

Me: Which [wagon] put this here?

 

Him: Me!

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: To protect our flag.

 

Me: Oh god here comes someone!

 

Him: Where? Oh please don't! AUGH!

 

Bad guy: Ha HA HA!

 

Me: I am gonna kill you!

 

Him: No I am...

 

Bad Guy: How the hell do you trip over a barricade?

 

Me: I don't know! Hay, Blue Jay tipped it over! I have escaped!

 

Bad Guy: And I shall sill you!

 

Snake: Hay look everyone I am Legolas.

 

 

 

Snake was acting stupid and sliding down the stairs on his shield. He at the bottom step he flew threw the air and somehow the shield decapitated the bad guy.

 

 

 

I ran up to the wall and saw our mages. And Blue Jay.

 

 

 

Him: Come on! Help us attack!

 

Me: I can't use range or mage!

 

Him: Well, neither can I!

 

Me: How are you helping then!

 

Him: By doing what Yu-Gi-Ohs friends do.

 

Me: What? Be gay?

 

Him: No! Encourage him!

 

Me: With what?

 

Him: Watch. Go young man go...what are you doing? Don't kill him he is one of ours.

 

Baddie: You are aware I am a bad guy.

 

Him: Maybe.

 

 

 

This ended with Blue Jay's death. But upon return...

 

 

 

Him: You killed me!

 

Baddie: And I will again.

 

Him: No you won't!

 

Baddie: Band-Aids?

 

Him: Yup.

 

Baddie: How nice of you to patch me up...my eyes!

 

Him: Ha, now lets use this cannonball...

 

Baddie: What? OH PLEASE DON'T!

 

Him: Bye Bye.

 

Baddie: Bye Bye? who says that any... AUGGHHHHH!

 

 

 

Blue Jay stuffed the cannonball down that guys throat. He chocked to death. The next phase:

 

 

 

Him: You.

 

Me: Me?

 

Him: No you?

 

Me: Yes that is me.

 

Him: No not me i am addressing you.

 

Me: Who?

 

Him: Close, You.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: A little off.

 

Me: Huh?

 

Him: No...

 

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

Him: God, I am just trying to teach you something.

 

Me: I DON'T NEED LESSONS FROM YOU! WHY ARE YOU ACTING STRANGELY THIS EPISODE? You guys are usually less stupid.

 

Him: Now then. Heres the plan. We will launch the catapult like so.

 

 

 

He set it off with a rock in it.

 

 

 

AUGHH!

 

 

 

Me: Good God! You killed one of our own guys.

 

Him: So?

 

Me: Don't you care.

 

Him: Whats it matter to you?

 

Me: Whats the plan?

 

Him: We will shoot you at the enemies base! Grab their flag!

 

Me: O.K. Just don't aim me somewhere else.

 

Him: We will try.

 

Me: You saying that is reassuring.

 

Him: Really? Thank you.

 

Me: You know I am being sarcastic?

 

Him: Whats that mean?

 

Me: Look it up in a dictionary.

 

Him: Whats that mean?

 

Me: Just shoot me off!

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Another episode brought to you by: The Brain Disease Research Clinic. Blue Jay Files is a fine reason to donate money to us.)

 

 

 

 

 

I was soaring in midair. A sensation that only a bird should feel. WEE!

 

 

 

AT THE OTHER CASTLE:

 

Him: What the hell is that?

 

Him2: I think thats a giant lump of dung.

 

Him: Really?

 

Him2: Yeah.

 

 

 

Well I made it and fought valiantly until I died by some guy gagging me with rope.

 

 

 

Him: You came back?

 

Me: Yup.

 

Him: Wheres the flag?

 

Me: Up my [wagon].

 

Him: Really? Can I check?

 

Me: Burn in hell.

 

Him: O.K.

 

 

 

So I decided to run upstairs, but there were like 20 barricades in the way.

 

 

 

Me: You set these up did you not?

 

Him: No that was Snake.

 

Me: Where is he?

 

Him: I dunno.

 

 

 

In the distance:

 

 

 

Snake: Defend Helms Deep!

 

 

 

Me: Why does he all of a sudden have an interest in the Lord Of the Rings.

 

Him: He does? Well, the original was better.

 

Me: There was no original movie.

 

Him: Yeah there was.

 

Me: The book.

 

Him: Yeah. Now that was some good stuff there.

 

Me: Can you even read?

 

Him: No, my dad used to tell me stories.

 

Me: Which one is he telling you now?

 

Him: The Lion, The [bleep], and the Wardrobe.

 

Me: ... Uh, your dad still reads you stories?

 

Him: Yeah.

 

Me: About a [bleep] and a wardrobe?

 

Him: And a lion fur coat.

 

Me: Are you in any way gay?

 

Him: You wish!

 

 

 

I was about to scream until Snake ran up the stairs.

 

 

 

Him: What is it Snake?

 

Me: Yeah!

 

Snake: No, "Yeah" is not what is going on. we did to get under the castle.

 

Him: O.K.

 

Snake: Follow me...

 

 

 

CRASH.

 

 

 

Snake: Man, I think I broke my leg. I will try to move using the one I did not break...

 

 

 

CRUNCH

 

 

 

Snake: Oh god...the pain.

 

 

 

Me: What the hell was that?

 

Snake: I am back from a very painful death.

 

Me: What the hell has happened?

 

Snake: Well, I tripped and...

 

Me: No! What has happened to everyone?

 

Snake: Oh god, everyone else.

 

Him: We must save them!

 

Bad guy: You will not!

 

Him: Holy lordie! The CHIEF OF POLICE!

 

 

MY REVIEW: 65%

The random show was pretty much the same thing as the BJ files, but with even more randomness.

 

THE RANDOM SHOW

 

THE RANDOM SHOW:

 

EPISODE 1

 

Randomness is good

 

 

 

Hello and welcome to the first normal episode of the random show. Today, we explore politics and other amazing things. Mostly stuff you could give a pigs [wagon] about.

 

 

 

Our first topic is from a fan named:

 

 

 

ANONYMOUS

 

 

 

A great name and a better letter. He asked

 

 

 

DEAR RANDOM SHOW,

 

Can we see a skit of you making fun of Harry Potter?

 

 

 

Yes! We will make fun of Harry Potter. Here is: A Day in the office with the harry potter kids:

 

 

 

A DAY IN THE LIFE

 

OF THE DORKY KID

 

WHO'S A STUPID LOSER KID

 

THE CHOSEN ONE LIKE ANAKIN?

 

MUST MEAN HE IS GONNA COMMIT A SIN

 

HARRY POTTER IN THE OFFICE!!!!

 

 

 

Harry: I just finished my report to Gringotts about the mysterious disappearance of all that wizard money.

 

Ron: Its all right to say it Harry, I am over laughing when you say it.

 

Harry: Fine. The person who made the money disappear stole all the knuts.

 

Ron: Ha HA HA! You said...

 

Harry: We need to be more mature.We are 36 years old and well...

 

Ron: Harry, you are a true dork.

 

Harry: Why did you say that?

 

Ron: I just had to let it go after all these years.

 

Harry: Oh yeah, well I slept with Hermione one night a couple years ago.

 

Ron: My wife? Oh yeah, well I slept with your wife a couple weeks ago.

 

Harry: Ron, my wife is your sister.

 

RING!

 

Harry: Hullo?

 

Ginny: Harry, I am pregnant.

 

Harry: Excuse me while I tell Ron something...Hay Ron, your youngest daughter is mine.

 

Ginny: What was that?

 

Harry: You heard me woman! Now then, DIE RON!

 

Ron: Can't we just exchange the kids to each other? OW! Your wussy dork punches are hurting me!

 

Ginny: You guys are magicians are you not?

 

Ron: OH YEAH!

 

Harry: I am not, I AM A WIZARD!

 

Ginny: Oh damn you and your role playing games Harry! Just because they call them Wizards in Dungeons and Dragons does not mean that that is what we are.

 

Jerry: Hi there. Jerry Springer here and...

 

THAT WAS QUITE RANDOM WAS IT NOT?

 

Jerry: Will you hush?

 

AND NOW FOR...

 

 

 

Him: Another skit? Oh excuse me a moment. Hi, my name is Gimli. Is your child throwing a party and you want one of those cute little midgets to come and do stupid things? Well DON'T ASK ME! I think you are abusing us...

 

 

 

Him: And now its time for blackmail! Hello, Mr. Jackson? Your wife is in the audience and we have a couple of people over there with her, about to break her finger. Now the only way to stop this is by sending 5,000,000 dollars to the following number.

 

 

 

Priest: I hate this show! So much sin!

 

Him: Hello I would like to get married.

 

Priest: Well I am married but divorce is not to hard.

 

Him: Well, I have a fiance...

 

Priest: Oh, well we can both divorce at the same time! Wouldn't that be exciting!

 

Him: I can break up with her, not divorce her.

 

Priest: You guys hate each other that much eh?

 

Him2: Excuse me priest but will you marry me?

 

Priest: Well, you will have to get in line sir. This gentleman here is gonna marry me and divorce can take a while.

 

 

 

 

 

WOOT!!! YAY!!! BRAVO!!!

 

 

 

Now for a last letter from:

 

 

 

YOUGUYSARESTUPID

 

 

 

It reads:

 

 

 

Dear Stupid People,

 

If you do not do a star wars spoof I will hate you forever.

 

 

 

Well here you go:

 

 

 

A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY CALLED HOLLYWOOD

 

STAR WARS

 

 

 

Lucas: My name is George Lucas and I am writing a new Star Wars movie titled:

 

 

 

STAR WARS: C3PO IS GAY?

 

 

 

Lucas: Reading this will tell you everything about 3P0. Including his favorite sport, favorite soap opera, favorite song, and favorite circuit to touch. Buy my book. You will anyway cuz' I just used the force on you! SUCKA!

 

 

 

Him: Lord Vader! He is not writing a book about you!

 

Vader: Lucas will pay!

 

Him: But where is his planet?

 

Vader: In the outer rim. Some Place called "EARTH"

 

Him: I have never heard of it sir.

 

Vader: It is a planet home to humanoids.

 

Him: So?

 

Vader: I am just trying to sound smart.

 

Him: Should we go to hyper space?

 

Vader: Lets.

 

Him: Oh...here we are.

 

Vader: Get the storm troopers set!

 

 

 

Troop1: And then I said, "The only reason I am doing this interview is so I can get revenge on my family" and Vaders like "Who killed them?" And I am like "You". And thats how I ended up in the garbage compactor.

 

Troop2: Good story.

 

 

 

Troop3: Can I please squish them?

 

Troop4: No...Those are paid actors. They are trying to do a show...

 

Cameraman: I caught that on tape!

 

Troop3: Lets throw that guy in the compactor, who cares if we kill those two useless actors.

 

Troop4: Yeah!

 

 

 

Lucas: Oh My God! Vader has come for me!

 

Vader: Lucas come with me, write a book for me and I will train you in the ways of the dark side.

 

Emperor: get out of the way my stupid apprentice.

 

Lucas: My characters are...

 

Emperor: No we are not real, we are just figments of the force.

 

 

 

Lucas: What a terrible dream. Hay Blue Jay, roomie...

 

Emperor: Blue Jay, wake up.

 

Blue Jay: But you wiped me out last... Oh Georgie buddy...Uh...its not what you think. Kill him baby.

 

Lucas: AUGH! WAIT A MINUTE! THE SHOW IS OVER! THANK THE LORD!

 

 

 

THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

YAY WOOT YAY!

 

 

 

NOW FOR A SHOW CALLED:

 

THE RANDOM SHOW

 

EPISODE 2

 

JUST ANOTHER EPISODE

 

 

 

Hello and welcome to another exciting and pathetically written episode of the random show. We will start by making fun of cartoons today. First, let us read this letter from:

 

 

 

CARTOONGUY

 

 

 

It reads:

 

 

 

MAKE FUN OF A CHILD ANIME!

 

 

 

That was a broad topic. Here are some of the best:

 

 

 

NARUTO:

 

Naruto: I will defeat you Master Kakashi, believe it.

 

Sasuke: Oh for gods sake will you shut up with that?

 

Naruto: What?

 

Sasuke: Saying Believe it all the time! You are beginning to sound like Yu-Gi-Oh when he is all like "Heart of the cards."

 

Naruto: Oh yeah? He says that more than I say believe it!

 

 

 

YU-Gi-OH:

 

Joey: What is it Yugi? You look like you are seeing your mom stripping in front of you!

 

Yugi: Someone just dissed the heart of the cards!

 

Tea: Well maybe if we put our hearts together...

 

Kaiba: Oh, shut up you annoying freak!

 

Tea: OH. My heart...

 

Kaiba: No more talking about hearts...you are so girly...go watch more Hello Kitty!

 

 

 

HELLO KITTY:

 

Cat: Hi everyone. Uh...Meow?

 

 

 

THUNDERCATS:

 

Cat1: I hear a cry for help!

 

Cat2: This show sucks.

 

Cat3: Why are we in this show anyway?

 

Cat1: We are getting paid a little less than minimum wage for doing this.

 

Cat3: Why do we need money?

 

Cat1: We live in a damn stone dungeon!

 

 

 

ONE PIECE:

 

Luffy: Gum-Gum...

 

Nami: Why the hell are you all obsessed with gum-gum?

 

Luffy: I don't know...

 

Nami: WHY DON'T I GET GUM-GUM?

 

Sanji: You can have my...

 

Zolo: This is a ************ kids show!

 

 

 

BO-BO-BO:

 

How the hell do we make fun of this show?

 

 

 

HIKARU NO GO:

 

Guy: Which freak had the idea for this?

 

Other Guy: A show about playing go...Now thats just plain stupid.

 

Guy: So are all the other ones about sports.

 

 

 

PRINCE OF TENNIS:

 

Kid: Why am I starring in a show about tennis? Isn't that kinda gay?

 

Me: Well you can blame the guy who writes these stupid as hell comics and T.V shows...

 

 

 

 

 

O.K...That is enough. Now then...Here is THE DOCTOR:

 

 

 

Doctor: Thank you for allowing me this interview.

 

Me: Why, you are welcome. Now what is your real name?

 

Doctor: The Doctor.

 

Me: You can tell me. I know about you man. Your Tardis...

 

Doctor: Oh crap!

 

Me: Don't point that sonic screwdriver at me!

 

Doctor: You are THE MASTER!

 

Me: No I am not, I am just a bloody A&E biography interviewer!

 

 

 

 

 

Now for something even more random:

 

 

 

JAMES BOND 007 in:

 

James Bond: I could not think up a cool title

 

 

 

Bond: M. How are you?

 

M: Fine except for my sex change. Turn from an old man to an even older woman.

 

Bond: That must of been painful...

 

M: Oh, Connery you old twit! How did they let you into this movie anyway?

 

Bond: I let myself in.

 

M: What just happened? Where did you go Bond?

 

Bond: Here I am.

 

M: Lazenby? By god...How did they let you back after that pitiful Bond movie?

 

Bond: I am not Lazenby.

 

M: Moore?

 

Bond: Yes. I am Moore.

 

M: What are you doin... You look so terrible since I saw you last 007!

 

Bond: How?

 

M: You are fat as hell! And that wart on your face has wrinkles...

 

Bond: Screw you M! We are leaving!

 

 

 

 

 

Now for something related to Runescape.

 

 

 

NOOBSCAPE:

 

 

 

Welcome to Noobscape. Formerly known as Runescape. Our Motto here is:

 

 

 

No matter who you are you are a noob in someones eyes.

 

 

 

Here in Noobscape you can partake in fun activities such as:

 

 

 

Castle Wars:

 

The war of flames begins. Flame people in order to allow your king to steal the enemies flag. And don't go crying in a corner you big wuss!

 

 

 

Al Kharid Duel Arena:

 

Come into the arena and fight against high level people! These people consider you a noob and want you to risk high amounts of money. Risk all your well deserved money here.

 

 

 

Tai Bwo Wanna Cleanup:

 

Thats right! You can now see how fast you can macro here! Macro as you chop teaks! No gate anymore! Just enter and whoever macros the fastest wins a jagex seal of macroing approval!

 

 

 

Pest Control:

 

The Noobs (You) Are fighting against the Choobs (may be you). Fight in very unfair challenges! Your macroer can now chop trees and use them to build a bonfire! They now get firemaking XP too!

 

 

 

The Wild:

 

More fun as you kill each other. Come to the wilderness agility course and kill people who don't have anything on them but food! Come to the abyss, where killing runecrafters is fun! And also come to the lever building, where you know you gotta stalker on your hands. This place is not suggested for macroers.

 

 

 

 

MY RATING: 56%

 

 

 

The next story was a remix of an already popular franchise, S+N

 

SNAKE AND NOOB REMIX

 

Chapter 1:

 

In the beginning

 

 

 

The room was huge, with a shiny tile floor that you could see your reflection in, and with lots of paintings. Snake continued his walk until he stopped at a huge round table. The gods sat before him.

 

 

 

"My lords." Snake got on his knees and bowed.

 

 

 

"Snake, we have devised a way to make you a god."

 

 

 

"Whats that?"

 

 

 

"Stay with this guy for 5000 years."

 

 

 

A door opened and smoke poured through. A shadow of a man could be seen.

 

 

 

Suddenly, there were some coughs and he appeared, limping on the floor.

 

 

 

"What was in that stuff?" The noob asked.

 

 

 

"Snake, this is the man you have to stay with for the next 5000 years!"

 

 

 

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

Snake awoke from the dream. Noob was sleeping on the other side of the small prison cell. The dream was not real. He and Noob just met. And that was what Snake thought his father, Zamorak, was using to torture him on Earth. NOOB!

 

 

 

A jail guard patrolled the little corridor between the cells, shining a lantern at each, making sure the occupant was not trying to do something to escape. The light shone on Snakes face.

 

 

 

"Ol' Snake boy." The guard said.

 

 

 

"Shut the hell up and do your job."

 

 

 

"You would say that to your old buddy?"

 

 

 

"Just because I have been thrown in this joint a ton of times does not mean we are friends."

 

 

 

"Thats what you think. Now what are you in for?"

 

 

 

"Murder."

 

 

 

"Who'd you kill this time?"

 

 

 

"None of your business."

 

 

 

"Well, I can always look up your record."

 

 

 

"Go ahead."

 

 

 

"And whats that kid in here for?"

 

 

 

"Attempted murder."

 

 

 

"Attempted?"

 

 

 

"Yup."

 

 

 

"Man, you are pathetic Snake. Fifth time this year."

 

 

 

"And I escaped every time before this didn't I?"

 

 

 

"So what?"

 

 

 

"So what makes you think your gonna keep me in here any longer?"

 

 

 

"Because you are being guarded like hell. One small move and your dead."

 

 

 

"Do you know how well guarded hell really is?"

 

 

 

"What do you mean?"

 

 

 

"You will soon find out how heavily guarded hell is after I finish with you."

 

 

 

"Dammit! Screw the chief of police, lets kill this guy!"

 

 

 

Snake kicked Noob. Noob awoke.

 

 

 

"Ow! That hurt you know!"

 

 

 

"Too bad! Get up we have a fight on our..."

 

 

 

Snake was cut off by an arrow flying through the cells bars and protruding from the wall.

 

 

 

"What'd you do this time Snake?"

 

 

 

"Shut up Noob"

 

 

 

Another arrow shot past Snakes face.

 

 

 

"How we gonna escape this one?"

 

 

 

"Watch and learn."

 

 

 

Snake grabbed one of the bent arrows and hurled it at the police archer. The arrow penetrated his stomach and the policeman fell, clutching his bleeding stomach.

 

 

 

"That was kinda gory..." Noob said.

 

 

 

"I know."

 

 

 

"Do you care if you kill?"

 

 

 

"No. I must get it from my father."

 

 

 

Snake watched as the policemen grouped around the archers dead body.

 

 

 

"You killed him."

 

 

 

"Gee, nice observation Mr. Holmes."

 

 

 

"Mr. Holmes? What?"

 

 

 

"When you are a gods son, you basically see all of history as I did."

 

 

 

"So what happens to me?" Asked Noob.

 

 

 

"You die in an accident."

 

 

 

"Was it a valiant death?"

 

 

 

"Which time? When the chicken killed you, you drowned to death, you ran into a wall..."

 

 

 

"Oh, uh, I have no reply to that."

 

 

 

The cell door opened and the police ran in trying to wail on Snake.

 

 

 

Noob just got a bump on his head and Snake and Noob were able to escape.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2:

 

BLUE JAY

 

 

 

Snake and Noob had escaped the jail and were now escaped convicts. They ran. And ran. And noob died. And they ran some more.

 

 

 

Suddenly, a giant Blue Jay flew through the air and almost grabbed Noob. Snake pulled out a sword he bought and once the bird swooped again, Snake bounded on to the beasts back where a rider sat.

 

 

 

"Who are you?"

 

 

 

"I don't want you dead, I just want to capture that Noob!"

 

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

 

"Because I am a Noob Police man."

 

 

 

"Oh, crap. I forgot about you losers."

 

 

 

"Screw you! We are the best cops ev...er?"

 

 

 

Down below, the normal cops were handcuffing noob and threw him into a police car.

 

 

 

"You stupid police." Snake said.

 

 

 

"How do they have cars? Those have not been invented yet!"

 

 

 

I WROTE THIS STORY, THAT IS WHY!

 

 

 

"Who are you?" Asked the noob police man.

 

 

 

"You heard him to? Thank Dad...I always thought that voice was in my head."

 

 

 

"Thank Dad?"

 

 

 

"Well I can't say thank god. I have to say thank Dad."

 

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

 

"HAVE YOU READ THE ORIGINALS?"

 

 

 

"I am sorry, they wiped my brain to create this redone version of Snake and Noob."

 

 

 

"How can you try and kill a character in the name of the show?"

 

 

 

"Who that Noob?"

 

 

 

"YES!"

 

 

 

"I was told by Archimage to kill him so that Archimages name would be in the title."

 

 

 

"That bastard! How'd he know we're redoing the series?"

 

 

 

"Intel."

 

 

 

"From who?"

 

 

 

"A secret source."

 

 

 

"WHAT IS THE SOURCE?"

 

 

 

"My giant blue jay."

 

 

 

"But I thought we erased everyones...except for me of course..."

 

 

 

"Blue Jay is way to smart for psychics to work on him."

 

 

 

"And he told Archimage..."

 

 

 

"Yup."

 

 

 

"Blue Jay old buddy...you are great and gullible!"

 

 

 

"How do you know my name? Are you a stalker?"

 

 

 

"No... I thought you knew what you were talking about!"

 

 

 

"Nope, it all came to me in a vision."

 

 

 

"So, uh, since you hate the real police, you wanna save Noob and then defeat the evil ARCHIMAGE!"

 

 

 

"I thought he was a good guy."

 

 

 

"Well then confront him...stop making it so hard for me!"

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3:

 

THE SAVING OF NOOB AND FIGHTING ARCHIMAGE

 

 

 

Snake kicked down the wooden door. All the police yelled.

 

 

 

"Oh no...its the guy who murdered that other guy!"

 

 

 

"Who?"

 

 

 

"I don't know, but he murdered him thats for sure!"

 

 

 

Snake ran past them and into the cell blocks. He found Noob almost automatically.

 

 

 

"What are you doing in a cat carrier Noob?"

 

 

 

"Uh, this is where they put me."

 

 

 

"But the cat carrier is only for really bad people!"

 

 

 

"Well, I guess I am pretty bad."

 

 

 

"If you consider bad at fighting and doing almost anything else then..."

 

 

 

"Just get me out of the damn carrier!"

 

 

 

"Watch your language young Noob! You know I can set you in the time out chair."

 

 

 

"God, the author has screwed you up. In the originals you were cool and now..."

 

 

 

"WHAT WAS THAT...I WILL MURDER YOU..."

 

 

 

"HOLY HELL MAN!"

 

 

 

"I am sorry, that damn author again, jeez is he a jerkoff."

 

 

 

I HEARD THAT!

 

 

 

"You wrote that idiot. Jeez, can I get Noob out of his carrier."

 

 

 

I DON'T KNOW, CAN YOU?

 

 

 

Snake opened it and Noob fell out onto the floor.

 

 

 

"Yup."

 

 

 

I LET YOU DO THAT.

 

 

 

"Whatever. Lets go fight Archimage now Noob."

 

 

 

"But he's my friend."

 

 

 

"Too bad."

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Archimage studios loomed in front of Snake and Noob. Snake grabbed Noob.

 

 

 

"What are you doing Snake?"

 

 

 

"Just trying to enter this place."

 

 

 

Snake threw Noob threw a window. Then Snake jumped through. Only to see:

 

 

 

"I MURDERED SOMEONE!" Noob screamed.

 

 

 

"OH MY GOD! ITS OUR INTERN!" Yelled some guy.

 

 

 

"Nice going Noob. Announce our presence to the world."

 

 

 

"Well, you know its hard when you shattered a window...NO! That was the one with all the pretty colors on it! You bastards!" He ran to a corner and started to cry.

 

 

 

Archimages office was right in front of Snake. Snake kicked the door open. The bolts flew through the air and the door slammed to the floor.

 

 

 

"Dammit Snake, it was unlocked."

 

 

 

"Sorry."

 

 

 

"Jeez, the door left splinters in my kittens skin!"

 

 

 

Meow!

 

 

 

"Oh god...I am sorry."

 

 

 

"I am calling pet control. You are so totally evil."

 

 

 

"God, you too Archimage, the author has screwed you guys up since the last storyline. Man I hate the author!" Said Noob.

 

 

 

"What about the time he gave you the powers of Zamorack?" asked Archimage.

 

 

 

"Thats the thing, thats when he cut off the originals. There has to be some trans-dimensional portal that can send me to his world and I can rewrite the story..."

 

 

 

"Hi I am Archimage, the greatest magician on Earth."

 

 

 

"Hi I am Noob and for once I am not the idiot around here."

 

 

 

"Hi I am Snake and that poor kitten needs surgery."

 

 

 

"Hi I am the vet and I want the cat."

 

 

 

Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow!

 

 

 

"Where the hell is a trans-dimensional portal when you need one?" asked Noob.

 

 

 

Suddenly, a trans-dimensional portal was formed in front of Noob.

 

 

 

"Your wish is granted." Said a Blue Genie.

 

 

 

"THANK YOU JAGEX!" Yelled Noob.

 

 

 

I AM THE ONE WHO CREATED IT!

 

 

 

"Shut up author! I am coming for you!"

 

 

 

OH NO, MY OWN CREATION IS COMING TO KILL ME AND I CANNOT REWRITE THE STORY CAN I?

 

 

 

"You wouldn't!"

 

 

 

I WILL.

 

 

 

"I gonna kill you!"

 

 

 

And thus Archimage and Snake exchanged stupid comments and Noob went to Earth.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE:

 

Little does little noob know that I have given all his friends noobs personality and that noob has Snakes personality. I did this in order to create some sort of a plot before I rewrite that fighting tournament series. Wow will it be good. Lots of action and it will be rewritten with a new necromancer. And The Noob Police...

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4

 

WTF?

 

 

 

Noob was entering the portal when a giant black mark descended upon the portal.

 

 

 

"OH GOD! A PLOT POINT!"

 

 

 

Snake looked up and also saw the amazing black ball.

 

 

 

"I think thats Superman. You know, he has gained weight."

 

 

 

Suddenly, the ball opened up and a bright light flashed out upon the three in the office.

 

 

 

"Archimage, its time I kill you." Said Snake.

 

 

 

"We will see...Ha ha ha ha. You will never be able to erase my memory of the originals! NEVER!"

 

 

 

Snake punched Archimage in the jaw.

 

 

 

"You...sucker punched me? The mighty Snake, son of Zamorack, sucker punch me? A mortal?"

 

 

 

"Oh thats it you bastard!"

 

 

 

Snake kicked Archimage in the stomach and sent him flying through the wall of the office. Archimage landed on some daisies.

 

 

 

"Oh my god...my intern is going to kill you for ruining his precious daisies!"

 

 

 

"Oh god, your intern is dead."

 

 

 

"Oh god your under arrest." The cops appeared out of nowhere.

 

 

 

Archimage took this opportunity to use a fire spell to burn Snake. Snake walked over towards Archimage studios.

 

 

 

"You wouldn't!"

 

 

 

"All those precious memories Archimage..."

 

 

 

"I will kill you!"

 

 

 

"I will burn down the studios!"

 

 

 

"And if you stop resisting arrest I will have to use this tazer. Watch me demonstrate in this wanted criminal."

 

 

 

He pointed the tazer at Noob and shot it at him. Noob screamed in shock as the electricity boiled his blood.

 

 

 

Snake watched as Noobs fried body fell to the ground.

 

 

 

"Oops I seemed to have killed him." Was the only thing the cop could say.

 

 

 

Snake ran and kicked him in the stomach and then used the fire on himself to burn the cop.

 

 

 

"Archimage studios will now BURN!"

 

 

 

"NOOOOOO!"

 

 

 

Snake touched Archimage studios and it burned. Archimage fell down to his knees as he watched all his money and tax dollars go down the drain.

 

 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

 

 

 

 

MY RATING: 5%

 

 

 

Guns and swords started good, and then went to hell in a hand basket.

 

GUNS AND SWORDS

 

Chapter 1

 

 

 

Zach Archer lay on the hard concrete outside of the factory named:

 

ARCHER CORP.

 

Zach was half asleep. Beside him lay his scabbard, with his swords hilt protruding from the end. The only thing that kept him awake was the constant horns, blaring from the cars at the busy intersection of Third and Fourth streets.

 

 

 

Zach was seventeen. A high school dropout. In everyones eyes, a failure. Zach did not think he was a failure.

 

 

 

Zach had the goldeneye. The eye of the sword master. Only fifty people on the earth could be a sword master. The catch of being a swordmaster was that you had to kill your own father before your coming of age (21), in order to have something for the demon inside the goldeneye to not take you over, and ultimately use your body as a vessel to destroy the world.

 

 

 

Zach's father had a goldeneye. That was the problem. He was more powerful than Zach. But Zach had to kill him. Or it would be the end of humanity. But that was the thing. Zach's dad, Bob, was a scientist.

 

 

 

Zach's dad would contain the evil demon Zach until it was time for Bob to kill him. He would probably use evil demon Zach as a weapon to kill all his enemies. You see, his father wanted to take over the world.

 

 

 

Zach had no idea what plan he was hatching at the moment but Zach had to kill him. Or die trying to kill him.

 

 

 

Zach checked his watch. 1:07. Late enough. He grabbed his sword from beside himself and stood to his full height of six foot five. He then ran to an emergency exit and began to use a lockpick to open the door. A small CLICK, and Zach was in.

 

 

 

Zach unhooked the hooks that kept the holster of his Uzi closed. He gripped the Uzi's stock. He gently closed the door behind him and ran down the empty service corridor. The lights were on very dim, but just light enough that someone could figure out where they were going.

 

 

 

The corridor opened up to a room full of crates. Zach took a small swiss army knife and shoved it into a gap in the top. When he pulled the knife out, the whole top of the box came with it. Zach pulled his knife out of the piece of wood and looked into the boxes contents. Machinery. There was ton of metal in this box.

 

 

 

Zach replaced the top of the box and continued to a part of the room full of plastic tanks with liquids in them. Zach jumped onto a hundred gallon vat. It had a twist top on top. Zach turned it and pushed the twist top aside. Inside, there was a bubbling liquid. Acid. Zach could tell.

 

 

 

Two voices. Zach jumped down and put his back to the vat.

 

 

 

"...I don't know Archer wants with all this stuff."

 

 

 

" He's crazy is why!"

 

 

 

"No he's not, he's a bloody genius!" Zach caught his english accent.

 

 

 

"You think everyone is a genius!"

 

 

 

"No I don't! He is just smart as hell"

 

 

 

Their footsteps stopped.

 

 

 

"The twist top is off the vat!"

 

 

 

Zach pulled his Uzi out of its holster. One of the guys were taking out his walkie-talkie when Zach jumped out of his hiding place and shot them.

 

 

 

Zach ran for it. He entered another corridor, this one with a lab at the end. Zach ran in and jumped all the desks in the lab. A man with an AK-47 noticed Zach and tried to shoot him. The glass tubes full of liquid exploded and fell to the floor. Some of the shrapnel cut into Zach's flesh. His droplets of blood left a trail. A large glass window was in Zach's way of a hangar with airplanes and two tanks in it.

 

 

 

Zach jumped through the window and fell to the ground about twelve feet below. Zach found himself surrounded by guards, AK's trained on Zach's head. Zach dropped his Uzi and kicked it away. One of the guards stooped to pick it up and thats when Zach struck.

 

 

 

Zach jumped onto the guys head and jumped on top of a fighter jet. Zach ran along the back of it and hopped onto another jet. Zach jumped off the jet and ran for the door at the end of the hangar but stopped. On a catwalk above stood Zach's father. Bob told the advancing guards to stop.

 

 

 

"My son." He said deeply.

 

 

 

"Dad" Zach said this with a hint of happiness in his voice.

 

 

 

"Why are you so happy?" Bob asked.

 

 

 

"I get to fight with you and get revenge."

 

 

 

"You will not get revenge here. Just death."

 

 

 

Bob jumped onto the rail on the side of the catwalk. He then let himself fall to the floor of the hangar. He stood valiantly. He looked mostly like his son. Golden eyes, brown hair, a lean figure. They both wore leather jackets, jeans, and combat boots. Zach and Bob both had there hands on their swords hilts.

 

 

 

They both drew at the same time. Swords clashed. Sparks flew. Bob pushed real hard and knocked Zach off balance. Bob swung as Zach tried to keep himself from falling to the ground.

 

 

 

Zach got his balance and continued to parry his fathers blows. Eventually, his father started using more power. His blows were stronger. Zach was not able to parry one of his blows and Zach was suddenly bleeding. Zach clutched his stomach, where warm blood oozed and fell in a puddle to the ground.

 

 

 

"Shouldn't have tried kid." Those were the last words Zach could make out before he fell to the ground.

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

Family matters

 

 

 

The doctors surrounded the bed. Bob walked in and ran to the bed, shoving doctors out of the way. There lay Mary Archer. A baby nestled now in a doctors hand. Naked and bloody, the baby began to cry.

 

 

 

"What will you name him Mrs. Archer?" Asked the doctor holding the child.

 

 

 

"Zach Dylan Archer."

 

 

 

"Would you like to hold him Mr. Archer."

 

 

 

Bob took him in his hand. He was covered in blankets. Bob unwrapped the one over his face and saw to his horror, the golden eye.

 

 

 

"Isn't he adorable?" Asked Bobs wife.

 

 

 

"Yeah..." Bob knew what Zach had to do in order to not destroy humanity. He knew that all people with golden eyes were Satan's minions, brought to Earth to show God that Satan was powerful. Of course, the first golden eye was a chinese philosopher who figured out the meaning of it through contact with Satan's brother, the most powerful Angel, Mosses.

 

 

 

So for years, people have had to kill their own Fathers in order to let the demon in the golden eye have a soul to chew on till the vessel the demon was in died. There was one thing that could ultimately cause all golden eyes to go berserk though. If Satan found a way to get onto Earth. Then, the Demons inside the human vessels would be even more powerful and Humanity could say goodbye.

 

 

 

All this to impress God.

 

 

 

Bob sat in the waiting room. He thought about his history lessons about his eye. It was not only the eyes that told everyone he was a demon vessel. He also had Satans mark on his arm. He always wore a glove so as not to show anyone the mark. He was not a Christian. If he entered a church, a holy ground, the demon would be destroyed along with the human vessel.

 

 

 

A doctor walked in and motioned for Bob to follow. Bob followed her to the nursery, where only one crib was filled, the one with Zach in it.

 

 

 

The doctor left. Bob pulled open a window and looked down. Not to far to the alley below. Bob pulled out his Colt classic. He had to kill it. He had to run. Get surgery to look different, rename himself. That never did happen though.

 

 

 

He aimed it. The baby was sleeping. Bob put his silencer onto the barrel and suddenly...

 

 

 

"BOB."

 

 

 

Bob shot on reaction and missed. The bullet entered his wifes stomach. Blood soaked her hospital gown. She fell out of her wheelchair.

 

 

 

"No...no...no!"

 

 

 

"Goodbye...and make sure to tell my son, I love him."

 

 

 

"Please don't die..." Tears began to well up in his eyes.

 

 

 

"I know why you tried to kill him...and I don't regret my death. I saved my son... Thats what counts. I...loved you...until...now..."

 

 

 

Her breathing stopped. Bobs tears mixed with the blood of his wife, pooled all over the tile floor. Bob ran. He jumped out the window and ran. The doctors found Bob's wife and Zach. Her wedding ring was off her finger. The baby began to cry.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Orphan care was a terrible fate. He was made to do chores at age 4. He was made to wash dishes, take out trash, and scrub the toilets. At age 6 an old man with one golden eye and a blue eye adopted Zach. Zach was brought to a school where he was taught fighting styles. He went to normal school as well. He continued this routine until he was 16. He then dropped out of High School and went in pursuit of his father. He had seen the newspaper clippings, heard the stories. His father had killed his mother. Nobody knew why. And Zach wanted revenge...

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Zach woke up. He was in a small room. He was lying on a comfy bed, with bandages all across his stomach. The doctor gasped as he saw Zach get up.

 

 

 

"Lay down, lay down."

 

 

 

"How long have I been here?"

 

 

 

"Two days."

 

 

 

"Jeez..."

 

 

 

"Your lucky you are alive. Your dad drove you here, basically dropped you on the front step and left. He gave to these flowers though."

 

 

 

Zach looked at a bedside table beside him and saw some roses. A note was strung to one of them. Zach pulled it off and read the neatly written note:

 

 

 

Better luck next time kid.

 

 

 

Zach balled it up in his fist. Then he looked at one of the roses. A glint caught his eye. He grabbed it and saw it was a ring. Another neatly written note was strung on it reading:

 

 

 

This was you mothers wedding ring. Take care of it.

 

 

 

Zach checked the ring for any traps but found none. He put it on.

 

 

 

"You better lie in bed. You don't want the stitches to come out."

 

 

 

"Stitches?"

 

 

 

"It took about 150 stitches to close the 5 wounds you had."

 

 

 

"Jesus."

 

 

 

"Your telling me."

 

 

 

"So...anything to do?"

 

 

 

"Well, we can call a Mr. James Barber. He said he would come over when you were awake."

 

 

 

"Oh yeah, I have not talked to him in at least a week."

 

 

 

James was Zach's best friend. He was not a golden eye, but he was an expert swordsman. They met in Zach's fifth year at the Fighting School.

 

 

 

"We will get James on the phone right now. You just stay there. Here, watch the news, catch up on whats been going on in the world."

 

 

 

The doctor flipped on the television in front of Zach's bed.

 

 

 

"...In other news, Archer corp. is now opening a lab on Easter Island. It is said to cost over three billion dollars just to buy one acre of land there! Archer is spending over fifty billion dollars to build this new lab. Where does he make all this money is a good question."

 

 

 

"He sure doesn't pull it out of his [wagon]." Came a familiar voice.

 

 

 

"James!"

 

 

 

"He was in the waiting room. Come to check on you." The doctor said.

 

 

 

"Well take a seat, we have a lot to get caught up on..." Zach said.

 

 

 

"I'll leave you two be." The doctor left.

 

 

 

"So, whats the status on operation KILL?" Asked Zach.

 

 

 

Chapter 3

 

Easter Island

 

 

 

The helicopter flew over the vast ocean. Every once in a while Bob Archer would see a dolphin jumping for air. The rotors were the only sound Bob could hear. The radio system implanted in the people on the copters helmets, seemed to stop working.

 

 

 

Bob was thinking about Mary again. His wife. He remembered when a week later he was on trial and put in jail with bail. He had bail because there was no conclusive proof he killed her. All the stories pointed that way, but you could never know. So Bob had one of his employees bail him out with some money from Bob's safe, and he was back.

 

 

 

Bob was making tons of money before his wifes death. Archer Corp. was the lab making the most discoveries. A cure to cancer was found by Bob. There were billions of dollars being shipped to him for this discovery. He made the first humanoid robots, who would listen to you and do chores and help out around the house. Another couple billion.

 

 

 

More experiments. More money.

 

 

 

Bob looked through the front window of the copter and saw an island coming up. Suddenly, the radios started to get a sound coming through.

 

 

 

"...This is....do you have... correct authorization."

 

 

 

Bob pushed a button on a small square clipped to his belt.

 

 

 

"This is Bob Archer. I have come for a final inspection of the land."

 

 

 

"...Authorized...land on landing pad 5....welcome."

 

 

 

Bob smiled. He was now at the site of the new Lab. The one where all his experiments could be secret. The one where he will make the things he will need to control the golden eye. And plan how he will take over the Earth.

 

 

 

The copter gently fell onto the cement landing zone. A ladder was pushed up to the copters door. Bob pulled off his copilot suit and threw his helmet aside. He looked at his tuxedo. Not to rumpled. He straightened his tie and threw the door open.

 

 

 

People stared and there were tons of people from news stations and news papers around the globe. Bright lights from cameras blinded Bob for a moment. But then came the pushing and shoving as people shoved microphones into his face. He had to stop where he was because there was no way out of where he was.

 

 

 

All the reporters finally were able to settle down and one by one, they asked questions. A lot were not there business. Bob hated people who asked him things that he wanted kept secret.

 

 

 

"You can tell us what your going to do with the lab!"

 

 

 

"No, its a secret."

 

 

 

"Just a hint."

 

 

 

Eventually the commotion died down and a native ran up to him. He had jeans and a white, dirty work shirt on.

 

 

 

"So's Bobby...wheres you wanna us to starts?"

 

 

 

"Start at the stone heads."

 

 

 

"Zas O.K"

 

 

 

Bob followed him to a large hill that had a beautiful view of the ocean. Bob looked at the stone heads, lined around the edge of the hill. Many were falling apart. Pieces were on the ground. And then he saw a small four foot high wall. The rock pieces fitted perfectly into it. The old natives of this island must have been pretty good at shaping rocks.

 

 

 

"Zis is my favorites part o these island."

 

 

 

"I can see why."

 

 

 

"Zis head rights heres is the one that leaz undergrounds."

 

 

 

"Lets see how we open it."

 

 

 

The man took a lever, about a foot tall, out of his jeans pocket. It had been sticking out of the pocket the whole time and Bob was ashamed he did not notice it. He noticed about everything about a person.

 

 

 

The man stuffed the lever into the stone heads mouth. It suddenly was moving forward, revealing a secret ladder, made of what looked like bamboo.

 

 

 

"Bamboo?" asked Bob.

 

 

 

"Somes people says that my people were always tradin' with the Asian."

 

 

 

"Interesting. Better get down there, make sure its big enough to hold an army."

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Zach took out his key ring and unlocked the door. He entered into a living room. He threw his coat on the sofa and sat down. His remote to his television was still sitting on the coffee table in front of him, just where he left it three nights before. He turned on the T.V and flipped through the channels.

 

 

 

He then saw something peculiar. His father was being interviewed by a man and Zach saw his father was not wearing the gloves he always wore to conceal the mark of Satan. His long sleeves concealed it but Zach was worried something fishy was going on.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Bob walked across the room, until he found a small portal.

 

 

 

"This is where the Chinese hid it. The only thing that is able to communicate with anything from the heavens." Bob said more to himself than to the man beside him.

 

 

 

"Zat has some bad magic in it...I zouldn't mess withs it if I was yous."

 

 

 

Bob rolled his sleeve back and looked at Satans mark. He held it before the metal, circular portal. Suddenly, Satan was staring at Bob. The man beside Bob stared wide eyed. His eyes seemed to be burning in the sockets.

 

 

 

"Who dares disturb me?" Satan was terrible looking. He was huge, had horns and was red. What would you expect from an evil guy?

 

 

 

"I am Bob Archer. A vessel for one of your...demons."

 

 

 

"Yes. I can tell. What do you want."

 

 

 

"I am just here to say that this island will be the place I conduct research."

 

 

 

"On what?"

 

 

 

"On how to get rid of the goldeneye demons."

 

 

 

"You dare try to destroy my demon minions?"

 

 

 

"Yes...and I will."

 

 

 

"I will kill you before that!"

 

 

 

"Ha. I have learned from a carving on a wall here that you can only be brought to Earth through this portal."

 

 

 

"And I will be. My mortal minions will bring me back to Earth. I will be ten times as powerful and God will then be defeated."

 

 

 

"I cannot let this happen though."

 

 

 

"I thought you were evil."

 

 

 

"Yes I am. But I have some good left in me and with what little good I have I help people. I will find a serum to the goldeneye."

 

 

 

"Lets see you try."

 

 

 

"What are you going to do?"

 

 

 

"You are aware I have a son."

 

 

 

"Jack? Yes, so?"

 

 

 

"He can access Earth through heaven."

 

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

 

"He was Noah."

 

 

 

"No way...you tricked Him..."

 

 

 

"Yes...and he fell for it and still does not know. He could give a crap less about hell. He only cares about me if I make it to Earth. I am secure to say it here. He is not listening."

 

 

 

Bob walked off.

 

 

 

"Jack will come for you. Your death will be swift, and then he will help me come back to Earth!"

 

 

 

"He will be with you in hell after I kill him."

 

 

 

"We will see."

 

 

 

Chapter 4:

 

The imposter

 

 

 

Zach cracked an egg into a frying pan. He watched the eggs crackle. His egg finally was done and Zach slipped it onto a plate.

 

 

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

 

 

Zach opened the front door to a couple police. They walked in and allowed themselves to sit on Zach's sofa.

 

 

 

"You got a dumpy place kid. You would think your dad would give you some money." One of the police said.

 

 

 

"Well, he seems to be using his money at the moment." Zach said.

 

 

 

"You ever wonder how he gets the money?"

 

 

 

"No...I know how."

 

 

 

"How then kid?"

 

 

 

"From inventing things that people would pay millions to get their hands on."

 

 

 

"No. Thats not how he gets it."

 

 

 

"Really?"

 

 

 

"We have videos of a guy breaking into the New York bank. Stealing billions. Have any idea about that?"

 

 

 

"First I have heard of anything like that. Anyway, how can you connect this to my father?"

 

 

 

"Because, the suspect left his ID card."

 

 

 

They showed the card to Zach. It was a counterfeit version of Zach's ID.

 

 

 

Zach ran to his bedroom and grabbed his wallet from his coats pocket. He then showed the police his ID card.

 

 

 

"Something fishies going on." One of the police officers said.

 

 

 

"I don't even work at Archer Corp!"

 

 

 

"We have no proof."

 

 

 

"Just check the employee records!"

 

 

 

"We will sir. Have a good breakfast."

 

 

 

They left. Zach grabbed his now cold eggs and ate them. Zach wished he had a job.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Satan pushed a bird bath full of blood over to his throne. He waved his hand over the blood and a face appeared before him. Noah or Jack in disguise. His son.

 

 

 

Satan sat on his throne and his son exchanged small talk with him.

 

 

 

"Now then Jack...are you ready to travel to Earth?"

 

 

 

"Yes Dad. And I will make sure that a portal is made to hell so you can go and take over."

 

 

 

"Good child. Now then, off with you!"

 

 

 

Satan watched his son walk away.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Jack/Noah (I will call him Jack for now) ran to the angels portals. Jack was appointed an angel by God after his death. Jack ran through one of the portals. He landed in a dark room. A really dark room. Jack could hardly see. He had escaped. His father could not get him. For he was at a place where his father could not without his help. And Jack would not help. He had escaped his fathers clutches.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

James drove to the little apartment where Zach lived. James knocked on the door and the door instantly swung open for him. Zach closed the door behind James.

 

 

 

"Somehow, Dad framed me."

 

 

 

"How?"

 

 

 

"He made a fake ID with my name and picture and info on it and gave it to some thief who stole millions of dollars from New York Bank!"

 

 

 

"Holy crap."

 

 

 

"The funny thing is that the ID said I worked for Archer Corp."

 

 

 

"Did you show them your real ID? Tell them you don't have a job?"

 

 

 

"I did and they don't believe me!"

 

 

 

"This is gonna lead us to some trouble."

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Bob was watching his new lab be built. He was watching it and making sure everything was made to what the plan said.

 

 

 

And then the cop helicopters landed.

 

 

 

It was chaos as the police ran through the unfinished building and got to Bob.

 

 

 

"You are under arrest!"

 

 

 

"For what?"

 

 

 

He walked backwards into a wall made of concrete.

 

 

 

"For robbery."

 

 

 

"I did not rob anything!"

 

 

 

"What about the New York Bank?"

 

 

 

"What about it?"

 

 

 

"One of your associates, employees I should say, seem to have stolen millions of dollars from the bank."

 

 

 

"Who in their mind would steal from that bank?"

 

 

 

"A mister Zach Archer."

 

 

 

"WHAT? He framed me the little bastard."

 

 

 

"Here is his ID he left there."

 

 

 

Bob looked at the picture of his son. No...his son did not have that scar on his arm. Then Bob remembered. His experiment. Dark Zach. A clone of Zach. It must have got out of its cage. Damn employees can't even stop a bad clone of their bosses son.

 

 

 

"Thats not my son."

 

 

 

"Really?"

 

 

 

"No, he's the guy behind you."

 

 

 

"Wha..."

 

 

 

That police man was decapitated by a sword. Dark Zach. The clone of Zach Bob made years and years ago. So that he had a son. The programing of the clone went awry and he became a menace to society and had to be kept in a cage and closely guarded. And now he had to be captured.

 

 

 

Chapter 5:

 

Gods plan

 

 

 

God could take no shape. He was the embodiment of everything. He is everyone. He see's everything.

 

 

 

Satan and God had made a deal. God would not interfere with Hell. God would never go there.

 

 

 

But, the contract never said anything about watching Satan. It was against what He wanted to do but Satan was the biggest evil in the universe. He knew Satans plans. He knew about Jack. But, he was not going to interfere. Like I said, He cannot take one form. But he can put enough of his power into one person. Zach Archer was the one who would destroy Satan. God saw the future.

 

 

 

He knew what would happen. He knew a war would start.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Bob stared at his fake son. Bob created him so he had someone to care about. He wanted a son but not a golden eye.

 

 

 

"Why did you frame me and Zach?" Bob asked.

 

 

 

"You abandoned me!"

 

 

 

"I did not! I secluded you! You were a menace to society!"

 

 

 

"I want you dead!"

 

 

 

"No you don't. You are just mad that I left you in a cell for 5 years because of your anger!"

 

 

 

"I hate you! I was angry at you! Live with it!"

 

 

 

"Why did you rob..."

 

 

 

"The bank?"

 

 

 

"Yes!"

 

 

 

"Because, I would need money to set up my own lab!"

 

 

 

"And where would this lab be?"

 

 

 

"In a little pent house in New York City."

 

 

 

Bob found a chair and sat down, they would have a lot to talk about.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Zach drove to the new place he applied a job for. McDonalds. Wow.

 

 

 

Zach walked in in his uniform and automatically was directed to the fryer where fries were in the frying basket. He pulled the basket up and dumped the fries into a cardboard container.

 

 

 

Zach did this all day and then left. He left to James' house.

 

 

 

James had a rather nice house with about two acres of land he owned around it. Zach called it the shooting range.

 

 

 

Zach knocked on a door and James opened it and huddled him in.

 

 

 

"There is something I need to talk to you about!" James exclaimed.

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"Some guy who looks like you owns a penthouse next to one of my friends."

 

 

 

"Who's your friend?"

 

 

 

"No one you know. Anyway he says he looks exactly like you."

 

 

 

"How would he know if he doesn't know me?"

 

 

 

"That picture of me and you with that bazooka."

 

 

 

"Good times."

 

 

 

"Yup."

 

 

 

"Anyway, I think you should go there and meet the guy."

 

 

 

"Oh yay."

 

 

 

"Here, I'll give you the address..."

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Dark Zach heard a knock on the door. He had just returned from Easter Island and was setting up his lab. Dark Zach opened the door to a guy who looked exactly like him.

 

 

 

"Hi, who the hell are you and why do you look like me?"

 

 

MY RATING 21%

Next are the Snake Chronicles! Two chapters that are worthless...

 

SNAKE CHRONICLES

 

Prologue:

 

 

 

He was the fiercest warrior this land had seen. He seemed to never bleed. He was what some called "the gift from the gods", even though he was the son of the evil god Zamorack. His name was Snake. He has a real name but not even he knows this name. Zamorack abused him when he was a kid. Made him do hard labor.Now he is an adult. Wherever this man goes, there is a dead body he leaves behind. Wherever he goes, children report having nightmares about this man. His face is splattered with the blood of his enemies. He wears only a cloak, said to be one of the things Snake had stolen from hell while a child. One of the other things he stole was a sword. A powerful sword that has killed thousands of people. Zamorack has sent his minions to get this sword back but whatever creature tries, it will always get slaughtered. I write this knowing little. My name is Archimage, and not even I, his best friend, know much about him. All i know is that i would be screwed if i fought him.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1: Zamorack's first strike

 

 

 

Archimage paced the lost libraries corridors, looking at the shelves, searching for a book on the gods children, researching for his book, when he heard something behind him. He looked over his shoulder, and all he saw was the checker board tile floor and the bookshelves, filled with books. Nothing, he thought and continued his walk down the corridor.

 

 

 

He continued down the corridor until he came to a bookshelf with books about the gods on it. Archimage looked at the names and eventually found one he thought he could use. He flipped through the book and found what he was looking for almost instantly. He closed the old, weather beaten book and turned around to walk back down the hall.

 

 

 

A scream echoed through the hall. Archimage froze and looked around. He put his hand onto his swords hilt. He continued down the hall slowly. Suddenly, he heard another scream and a loud CRACK!

 

 

 

Archimage ran down the hall and entered into a circular room, with books all over the walls. He looked up and looked at the railings that surrounded the other five stories of the library. He could see nothing. He walked slowly towards a set of stairs. He heard a whoosh behind him and looked up in time to see a large, evil looking man falling toward him, sword ready to plunge into Archimages head.

 

 

 

Archimage stepped back as the man fell onto the spot where he was just standing. The man turned to Archimage and lunged at Archimages stomach. Archimage drew his sword and parried this blow. Archimage wished he had brought his staff with him but he had left it in his room on the fifth floor.

 

 

 

The man took another shot at Archimage, this time trying to decapitate him. Archimage parried and kicked the man in the stomach. The man staggered back, which gave Archimage the opportunity to try and cut the mans stomach. Suddenly, tentacles sprouted form the mans open mouth. The tentacles wrapped around Archimages sword and then, the tentacles snapped the sword like a twig.

 

 

 

"WHERE IS MY BROTHER?" Yelled the man as the tentacles retracted into his mouth.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

Snake walked into the Blue Moon Inn and sat at one of the barstools. The bartender was washing a mug of beer with a rag.

 

 

 

"What do you want?" The bartender asked.

 

 

 

"Get me a beer and a steak. Rare." Snake said.

 

 

 

The bartender walked off and told the cook to make a steak.

 

 

 

Snake looked at a person walking by the window of the inn. He looked like he had red eyes. When Snake looked again, he saw that it was just a normal tourist seeing the sights. The tourist walked into the bar and sat on the barstool next to Snakes.

 

 

 

"How's it going?" He asked.

 

 

 

Snake looked at the tourist closely. There was something strange about his arm...

 

 

 

"Heres your beer and steak." The bartender broke Snake out of his trance. The bartender smashed a frozen glass filled to the brim with beer on the table and threw a plate with a large steak on it onto the bar as well.

 

 

 

"Do I get anything to eat the steak with?" Snake asked.

 

 

 

"I mostly serve barbarians so your gonna have to eat it with your hands." The bartender walked in front of the tourist.

 

 

 

"What do you want?"

 

 

 

"A beer and do you have anything special you make for lunches?"

 

 

 

"Yeah, steak. Now then what you want?"

 

 

 

"Steak then. Baked potato."

 

 

 

"What you think we're rich? The damn barbarians pay us in spear heads do you think we are able to afford potatoes and all the toppings?"

 

 

 

"Fine. Steak...medium rare."

 

 

 

The bartender walked off.

 

 

 

Snake continued to examine the man. He then noticed a tattoo on his arm, a tattoo of burning people. The tourist noticed Snake looking at it and the tourist pulled his sleeve down.

 

 

 

"Sorry, my mom made me get this tattoo when I was sixteen." The tourist smiled. His teeth were points in his mouth.

 

 

 

"Is this the best my Dad can hire to try and kill me. An amateur who shows the tattoo that all of Zamoracks minions must wear, and then shows me his teeth without generating them into human teeth. For the gods sake."

 

 

 

The tourist started morphing into a half human, half lizard monster.

 

 

 

"Die Snake. Your father wants you dead!" It ran and jumped onto Snake, pulling Snake and the bar stool onto the ground. Snake pushed the lizard man back so it did not bite out his neck. Snake then kicked the bar really hard. His beer came toppling off the bar. The glass shattered on the monsters back and beer splattered all over the things body.

 

 

 

Snake then pushed the lizard off of him. It fell back and that gave Snake enough time to run into the kitchen.

 

 

 

The chef and bartender were yelling at Snake. Snake grabbed the bartender by his neck and threw him out of a large window. He fell on the grass outside. "Robbery!" He yelled.

 

 

 

The cook picked up a knife from a counter and ran at Snake. Snake grabbed the chef's hand and then threw the chef out the window. The lizard monster ran in and grabbed Snake by the neck.

 

 

 

"I will kill you!" It yelled.

 

 

 

Snake saw a grill. It was on fire, roasting the steak. There was a bottle of rum next to it. Snake kicked the lizard in the shin and once the thing let go to grab its broken shin, Snake ran toward the bottle of rum. He broke it on the grill and the grill erupted into flames. Snake grabbed the lizard and threw him onto the grill. The beer that was still on his back erupted and the lizard slowly roasted to death.

 

 

 

The chef and bartender stared in amazement. Snake put a couple thousand dollars on a kitchen counter.

 

 

 

"Buy yourself some more rum." Snake said and walked out of the bar before the Varrock guard could get there.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

I remember when Snake and I were on a voyage to find a secret magic book and Zamorack kept on sending his men down to attack us. His men were cleverly disguised and I guess supposed to attack at a time when Snake and I were not very caring. Every time one of these guys showed up, Snake would make some comment about what they were wearing or something, and all of a sudden these guys would turn into monsters. I guess they were minions of Zamorack. Hard to tell since Snake kept killing them really fast. I think they were minions though. Who would want Snake dead more than Zamorack?

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Deep in a dark cavern a man in a priests outfit was chanting. In front of him, lay a pile of human limbs and guts. All of one man one would assume. The priest chanted because he had orders from Zamorack to awaken this beast of a man, to put back together the body parts. And when they were back together, all hell would break loose.

 

 

 

This was a day ago. Now the priests bones lay in a heap before a large monstrous man. Human flesh dangled from his mouth. He was breathing huge, heavy breaths.

 

 

 

"Snake will die. I swear he will. I will murder him. For what he did to me. I will see that his fate is sealed..." He continued to say this, as if this were a ritual chant, all during his meal. When the man walked out of the cave, naked and ready to kill, a red light spilled onto a spot in front of him. An image of Zamorack appeared in the light.

 

 

 

"I have all your equipment waiting..." Zamorack bowed down."MY LORD..."

 

 

 

To be continued in the next installment.

 

 

 

Yes i am back and now making this story about Snake and Archimage and a bunch of other new characters. Noob will be an iffy part of this story. I may keep him out just for the sake of keeping this away from turning stupid. Anyway, how was this and do you want to see more of this?

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2: Darkness rises

 

 

 

I remember a long time ago, when me and Snake had to go and save Noob. Noob has been gone for years, apparently doing something better than dieing. Well, anyway we were inside some gangs hideout and I was just going to knock the kidnappers out, but here comes Snake cutting them all to shreds. That is one thing I will never understand. Snake is supposed to be a good guy, but he seems to have a blood lust that cannot be stopped. He is being watched over by many people in the land, because we fear that someday, he may snap. And when that day comes, or if it comes, the land will be completely destroyed.

 

 

 

 

 

Archimage woke up. He looked around the dark room and all he could see was a lamp. Archemage tried to move off of a stiff wooden chair he was sitting on, but suddenly realized that he was tied to the chair.

 

 

 

A match was lit and the match made its way to the lamp. The lamp illuminated the room, showing the rooms many tables. On top of these tables were ingredients for potions. Archimage suddenly felt a pain in his back. He screamed as the pain grew all over his body, petrifying him. He looked toward a doorway and saw a large man wearing red Zamorack armor.

 

 

 

"You like my magic?" He asked.

 

 

 

Archimage felt the pain leave his body and he was relieved when he could move his limbs around. He was only tied to the chair around the stomach, so his legs and arms were free to move.

 

 

 

"What happened?" Asked Archimage.

 

 

 

"Oh, well Oc knocked you out when you said you did not know who he was talking about."

 

 

 

"The tentacles guy? He asked me about his brother..."

 

 

 

"And you could not answer so , here you are. Where is Snake, his lord wants to know."

 

 

 

"Zamorack will not find out."

 

 

 

"No, I am not talking about Zamorack. Zamorack is but the pawn of his lord."

 

 

 

Archimage was lost. There was a power larger than Zamorack?

 

 

 

"Where is Snake? I know he killed one of our pawns but he never reported back."

 

 

 

"I don't know...I have not talked to him in two years."

 

 

 

Archimage screamed as a huge pain swept up his back. Suddenly, Archimage passed out again.

 

 

MY RATING: 9%

 

 

 

Next, we find a horror story that was never finished.

 

THE GREATEST EVIL

 

Pt 1: chain of murders

 

 

 

Billy Haress ran down the sidewalk, trying to get to the park. Rain splashed on Billy's head as he ran along Main St. Some people stopped to stare at him (little did they know the next time they would see his face it would be in the obituaries). Billy needed to meet his friend.

 

 

 

The intersection of Main St. and University was where Billy stopped to catch his breath. Cars sped down the streets, but most of the cops who should be catching these speeders were busy finding prostitutes and arresting them. Billy knew about prostitutes. They were what mom called "Mislead women".

 

 

 

Billy also knew that he could spot prostitutes by their clothes. If he saw one, he should run, his Dad had said. You did not want a sex obsessed woman to catch you and throw you in a hotel room. And you did not want to have you first "experience" at 7 years old.

 

 

 

Billy fished in his coats pocket and found a crumpled piece of paper. He flattened it out and read the desperate words his friend had mailed to Billy's house.

 

 

 

My mom is trying to murder me. I am going to run away. Meet me at the park at 4:00 in the afternoon.

 

 

 

Billy looked over it a couple more times and then folded it neatly into his jacket pocket. He then ran across the intersection when he saw no cars coming.

 

 

 

The park was a block away. But before he could get there, Billy's next door neighbor stopped him.

 

 

 

"What are you doing out here Billy?" He asked gently.

 

 

 

"I am going to the park, what are you doing?" Billy looked at his neighbor with respect. He was old and balding, but had always had the aura of a young man. Billy had been fishing with him, and built model airplanes with him.

 

 

 

"I was shopping here." Billy's neighbor pointed at the store they were standing in front of, a drug store.

 

 

 

"Drugs are bad. Mommy said." Billy said, looking curiously at the bag dangling from his neighbors hand.

 

 

 

"Not the kind that relieve headaches and bladder problems."

 

 

 

"Whats a bladder?" Billy asked.

 

 

 

"Maybe later Billy. Have you heard about your friends Mom and Dad?"

 

 

 

"You mean James?" James was the friend Billy was going to meet at the park.

 

 

 

"Yes. His parents were murdered."

 

 

 

Billy may be young, but he knew what the word "murder" meant.

 

 

 

"How?"

 

 

 

"No one can figure out how. They just seem to have exploded. Their blood was all over the walls, from what I hear. And there was writing on the wall outside the house, using the blood in from James parents."

 

 

 

"Was someone making graffiti?"

 

 

 

"Somewhat."

 

 

 

"Did it say something like "Pimp daddy" or " This gangsta was here" ?"

 

 

 

"No Billy, it said "I am the biggest evil of humans".

 

 

 

Billy pulled the sleeve of his jacket up and looked at his watch. He pulled his sleeve back down.

 

 

 

"I have 1 minute to get to the park! I'll see you later!" Billy waved at his neighbor as he ran down the pavement to the park.

 

 

 

Billy got to the park and ran over the wet mulch. He climbed a ladder that led to the mouth of a huge slide. At the mouth, James sat, hands on his face, crying.

 

 

 

"Calm down James. I heard about your parents. I am sorry."

 

 

 

The tears stopped and Billy looked at James curiously.

 

 

 

"Billy, do you know what happened to me?" James asked.

 

 

 

"You ran away, I know!"

 

 

 

"No Billy, I committed suicide."

 

 

 

Billy stared at James and then started to laugh, he could not help it.

 

 

 

"Why are you playing with me when your parents are dead and..."

 

 

 

"I am not playing with you Billy."

 

 

 

James eyes turned blank, and suddenly he became a swirling black mist.

 

 

 

Billy screamed.

 

 

 

"Billy, I am your worst fear. I am the human races greatest evil. I take no specific form, for I morph with the years. Do you know who I am?"

 

 

 

Billy screamed for his Mom, for his neighbor, and for some reason, for James.

 

 

 

"Billy, you are not going to answer? You and James and his parents knew about something. And I know you did not want anyone to find out."

 

 

 

"What...What...do I...know about?"

 

 

 

"Have you ever noticed that statue of that planet in James house?"

 

 

 

"Yes...please...leave me alone."

 

 

 

"No Billy, no one needs to have that statue except for me."

 

 

 

The "Thing" grabbed Billy, and the last thing Billy saw was the Things smirk. Or something like a smirk. Then, darkness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE RAMSTON HERALD

 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1994

 

CHAIN OF MURDERS, TOWN PUZZLED

 

 

 

Yesterday, four people were killed and there is absolutely no explanation for the deaths. It started with the deaths of Mr. Zach Cerner and Mrs. Carrie Cerner. Around 3:15 in the afternoon, police were on the scene when neighbors reported hearing a large explosion. When the police got inside, the whole living room was covered from floor to ceiling in blood. After about five minutes of investigating, Deputy Jones found that on the side was a message written in the blood of these two people. The writing said "I am the biggest evil of humans."

 

 

 

Soon after, police arrived at the park on Main Street, where a Mr. Jack Torby, neighbor to Billy Haress, said he heard his neighbor scream. He was apparently in the drug store asking for a receipt when he heard the scream. When police arrived on the scene, they found Billy's head on a tire swing and found his stomach and entrails all down the slide. The park is now closed.

 

 

 

An hour later a man who works at Ramston's dam, said he saw a body of a child in the water. The body was picked up and was identified as the body of James Cerner, child of the first two people murdered that day.

 

 

 

All the people murdered will be having funerals in exactly one week. Our staff at the Herald would like to give our condolences to the families of the murdered people. Police swear they will find the murderer no matter what.

 

 

 

Pt2: The funeral

 

 

 

"Hurry up Richard. For god's sake get off your lazy [wagon] and get ready for the funeral!" Yelled Beverly Gourdan, putting diamond ear rings into her ear.

 

 

 

Richard Gourdan muted his football game and looked at his wife with a strict face. "Football. Big game and I will not miss it."

 

 

 

Beverly wanted to slap Richard. He was a fat, balding man, and he was only 32 years old. Beverly always loved him, but once he started becoming a drunkard, things really took a turn for the worse.

 

 

 

Beverly knew that Mary Haress was expecting herself and Richard to come to her sons funeral. That poor woman had been crying for a week, nonstop. Her sons body pieces were put into a coffin and Mary held that coffin for the whole week, staring at her sons dead eyes, eternally staring at the rest of his body.

 

 

 

Mary had lost her husband in the Gulf War and now she lost her son. Beverly felt terrible for her, but she wanted Richard to come.

 

 

 

"Richard, I am about to smash a hammer into that television and then you could say good bye to football." Beverly grabbed the flipper off the coffee table in front of Richard and his armchair. Beverly flipped it off.

 

 

 

"What the hell? Turn it back on!" Richard yelled. He stood up and stared at his wife with those blank, menacing eyes he had got when he became a drunkard.

 

 

 

Beverly was not scared. She had been scared of him for years. He abused her and treated her like crap for years and now, she was going to stand up to him. She loved him and that is why she never called the cops and reported to them. She knew he could change.

 

 

 

"No. You will come to the funeral. Mary's son..."

 

 

 

"Mary's a dumb as hell woman! She let her child out..."

 

 

 

"Shut up!" Beverly butted in. Richard stared at her. "She was letting him go out because the park was a few blocks away and did not think anything would happen to a child at the park."

 

 

 

"What about the prostitutes?"

 

 

 

"Do you think a prostitute would rape a child?"

 

 

 

"Sure, it is possible."

 

 

 

"The cops have really taken care of the prostitutes though. I have not seen one in months!"

 

 

 

"Just give me the remote. I am not going."

 

 

 

"Yes you are. Put on your suit..."

 

 

 

"NO!"

 

 

 

Beverly felt Richards hand on her face and embraced the pain like a hug from a relative. The pain faded fast. She did not cry. She did not yell. She just walked toward the door.

 

 

 

"Give me the flipper Bev. I will hurt you."

 

 

 

"Go get it." Beverly could not understand why he did not just go over to the television and turn on the on button at the bottom but...

 

 

 

She threw the remote into a child's pool next door. Richard pushed her to the ground and ran after the remote.

 

 

 

Beverly got up and left to the funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

The funeral began. The parts of Billy's body, some shards of bones from James parents, and James body itself were marched down main street. People on the side of the street bowed there heads in prayer. Mary Haress walked down the street alongside her sons coffin. She was crying and thinking about where Beverly and Richard could be. Beverly said she would be here hours ago.

 

 

 

A police patrol pulled into a nearby parking lot and Deputy Jon Jones walked over to Mary.

 

 

 

"Mary, you know Beverly Gourdan?"

 

 

 

"Yes. I have been waiting for her to show up for a while." She said in between tears.

 

 

 

"Well, we found her car."

 

 

 

Mary knew what was coming next.

 

 

 

"She drove off of the Gandy Bridge. Plunged into the water. Dead in her car."

 

 

 

Mary cried even harder.

 

 

 

"Suicide we found out. She left this note on the side of the street. Must of stopped before driving the car off." The officer handed Mary the note.

 

 

 

I have given up hope on my one true love. Richard will meet me in hell and regret what he has done. He will not see another Budweiser in hell.

 

 

 

"Then Richard..." Mary muttered between tears.

 

 

 

"Richards body was found, electrocuted, in a kiddie pool next to his house. We found a T.V remote in the pool. And we found out that he was drunk."

 

 

 

Mary continued to cry.

 

 

 

"I am so sorry." Deputy Jones walked back toward his patrol.

 

 

 

 

 

"Deputy Jones!" Someone yelled from inside of the Cerner house.

 

 

 

Jones walked into the house and found the man who yelled for him in the basement of the nice, Victorian era house.

 

 

 

"What is it Lok?" Lok was a lean man, about 22 years old.

 

 

 

"Look at this." He picked up a note on the floor of the basement.

 

 

 

I got the statue. And there is no way to get it back.

 

 

 

"What does he want a statue for? It must have been worth something."

 

 

 

"Thats what I thought Jones."

 

 

 

Jones took the letter to his patrol car and picked up his walkie talkie.

 

 

 

"I think I know why the Cerner's were blown up."

 

 

 

 

 

THE RAMSTON HERALD

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1994

 

MORE DEATHS AND ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE CERNER MURDER

 

 

 

Today was another wild day. It started when the funeral started and the four bodies of the murdered people from Tuesday were being walked down the street, to Rebirth Cemetery. Beverly Gourdan was apparently on her way when she decided to kill herself on the Gandy Bridge. A note was found on the side of the road, written by Beverly.

 

 

 

Then, the neighbors of Beverly reported seeing the dead body of Beverly's husband, Richard Gourdan, in their kiddie pool. His body was found, electrocuted, apparently by a remote thrown in the pool.

 

 

 

Also, later on Police were looking for any evidence from the assailant of the Cerner's. They found a note from the murderer about stealing a statue. Police have no idea what kind of statue it was or why the assailant thought it was so nice that they needed to do whatever they did to the Cerner's. Police still don't know how the assailant could have made the Cerner's explode.

 

 

MY RATING: 23%

 

 

 

Now, we look at another RS story.

 

Prologue:

 

I was a child when my father died. A member of the newly formed Varrock guard, he took his post quite seriously. He would stay up long nights making sure that the evil the the King had suppressed behind the gulch, now known as the wilderness,did not break free of the powerful magic encasing it. Evil has many definitions around the land, but if you ask a citizen of Varrock what evil is they would reply:

 

 

 

"Are you stupid?"(Or some other remark)"The Wild!"

 

 

 

I have lived most of my life in Varrock. When my dad died, protecting the King of Varrock from a renegade group of shades, my Mom hung herself. I remember the day afterwards clearly, even though I was young. Five years old to be precise. I woke up and searched the streets for my mom and dad. There was a commotion around the gallows. I wiggled my way through the crowd, only to see my mother, head in a funny position, her feet hanging inches from the pavement. The rope completely encompassed her neck so tightly, that someone had to get a very short knife to get the rope off.

 

 

 

After he cut it, her body fell to the pavement. I ran to the body, crying. I grabbed her head and looked at her face. Her eyes stared at me, and I could have sworn I heard a voice in my head, that sounded like my mothers, saying sorry.

 

 

 

My fathers neck was ripped open and part of his spinal cord extended out from the wound. Blood pooled beneath the body. I also looked into his eyes, but all I could see was white, blank eyes. No signs of emotion, no voice in my head, nothing.

 

 

 

They were both buried next to each other in the castle garden. I visited them almost everyday until I was nine and the King found a mercenary who would train me for a hefty sum. The king paid it and I was soon used to swinging a sword and started fighting demons with the mercenary when I was thirteen. He knew I had a gift.

 

 

 

After my training, at age fifteen, the mercenary and myself joined forces to complete missions for people who needed help. It was a great job, I earned some cash and honed my sword fighting skills a bit more. Soon the mercenary told me I could join the Band of Mercenaries, an underground group that did any thing they were told as long as the money was right.

 

 

 

I stayed a year and got bored of the same missions of assassinations, destroying small villages of rogues, and escorting important people through dangerous places.

 

 

 

I moved back to Varrock and worked with the king, helping him get some escaped fugitives killed or guarding the dukes when the annual Summer celebration came around. I loved my job, mostly because I got to help people of a political stature, and I was doing what my dad and mom would have wanted me to do.

 

 

 

Protect Varrock

 

 

 

CHAPTER 1:

 

 

 

The shades all stood before a large village. It was called Draynor, and there was a castle being built in the lush forest to the North of the village, a perfect place to find some flesh to eat.

 

 

 

Shades were cannibalistic creatures, who unlike vampires, feasted on flesh. They could survive for weeks without flesh but during those weeks, they would slowly lose power until finally they lost so much power that they can't even bear the burden of wearing a cloak and die from its weight. Sounds stupid but its true. Shades could be vicious and deadly creatures if they ate. But if not,well you could always ask the hero Krackov, he got to see one die from the burden of his cloak. He wrote a book on it, named "How I made a Shade die from the weight of his cloak".

 

 

 

It was not a bestseller.

 

 

 

Most libraries burnt it.

 

 

 

It was declared a religion by a couple stupid kids.

 

 

 

The library burned them.

 

 

 

The shades continued looking at the cheery little village. Look at that old man with the odd glasses. He seems familiar...

 

 

 

Someone yelled over from a nearby path.

 

 

 

"Where the hell is the jail? I thought they were building one right over here!" The man was a short, balding, fat, and probably drunk person.

 

 

 

A young girl of about fourteen, probably his daughter, walked next to him, her long blond hair flowing out behind her. "They said some ancient people made a sewer of some kind or the other beneath where they planned to put it, and the building of the jail has been postponed until Lord Draynor decides if he wants it built somewhere else, or just wants to make due with one of the houses no one lives in."

 

 

 

"I heard it was going to be huge."

 

 

 

"Apparently not, their paying too much for the construction of that castle so it will be a little one story building with two cells."

 

 

 

"Then why the hell make one?"

 

 

 

"They need it so if an enemy of the village comes they can throw him in there and interrogate him. There is a jail on the other side of the port to the west and we will use that for people the village does not have huge problems with."

 

 

 

The man looked toward the shades and squinted.

 

 

 

"You see anything in the trees hun?"

 

 

 

"No dad...lay off the beer daddy. Its affecting your brain."

 

 

 

"Yeah I guess." He continued to squint in the shades direction as he walked back toward the village.

 

 

 

The shades made sure no one was in sight. Then they glided toward the construction site of the manor.

 

 

 

About ten men were working. Some put stones in place, some were digging, some were sitting around like typical construction workers. But there was one man who caught the attention of the shades, a man dressed in a flowing cape and wearing a nice dark suit. His dark hair was slicked back. He seemed to be telling the workers what to do.

 

 

 

"You," he yelled, pointing at a man sitting and watching the other workers work,"Get off your lazy [wagon] and start putting these blocks in place, if not then you will regret it!"

 

 

 

"Yes Lord Draynor!" The man got up and ran toward the other workers.

 

 

 

The shades looked at that man in the suit, Lord Draynor, and tried to figure out what was so odd about him. An aura that no human could produce, seemed to hang around him. When the shades looked at the workers, they could see a faint trace of that same aura around them.

 

 

 

Draynor turned towards the shades and stared at them. He had to be some kind of magician or otherworldly entity. His stare was not something that would make a shade turn away for he thought he might go blind if he continued to look. Maybe a human would do that, but not a shade. The lead shade kept the mans gaze. His aura seemed to suddenly start to radiate out towards the other workers, as if alerting them.

 

 

 

"So shades," Draynor broke the silence,"I see you have come to eat our flesh."

 

 

 

The shades continued to watch his aura, trying to figure out what it meant, what kind of aura it really was.

 

 

 

The aura wisped around the workers and they turned around to stare at the band of shades.

 

 

 

"Now then Shades, shall we dance or shall we all be on our way? You would not like to die here in the middle of the woods, would you?" Draynor turned his back on them and spread his arms before him. "As you can see I am going to build an empire, I have gone through the ranks of the government and made enough money to build a village and a manor, and little do the people of that village know what will happen to them once they settle in! I will build an army!"

 

 

 

And then, it hit the shades, bright as day. Those workers were second class vampires, bitten by a first class vampire, Draynor probably, and converted having to do the bidding of the first class. The first class were pure blood vampires. They were born vampires, and will live their whole life as a vampire. They were very powerful beings,but if you had the right materials, they were easy to kill.

 

 

 

"So, will you leave, or will we have to shred your only remaining valuable, your soul, to shreds?"

 

 

 

The shades stood there and decided.

 

 

 

On the other side of the forest, the old drunken man listened in. He had followed the shades, not caring what his daughter said. He heard the whole thing and ran to tell the village when a bolt of electricity hit him in the back. Lord Draynor hovered towards him and looked down at his limp body. The old man could not move. He tried to scream but could not. The vampire fell to the ground and the last thing the man could feel before he passed out were the Vampires smooth hands on his head and the teeth clamping onto his neck.

 

 

 

As I continued to climb the ranks of the Varrock guards, an attack on Varrock made me lose my stature. When I was doing so well, and making the big money, I allowed a bunch of children make the city a living hell. They made a base in the city, and there was apparently one adult there. They were grabbing men from the back streets of Varrock and killing them. Some people thought they were cannibals, some thought they were sent from Zamorak.

 

I found out about them the first murder. I ran through Varrock searching for them. I found a large house, and decided to enter and see what was inside. Nobody resided in the house...but then, I found a trap door hidden under a rug.

 

I went down, not knowing what would happen down there.

 

The scene I saw would be imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life,just like the scene of my mother and father's dead bodies.

 

Men, naked and bleeding, were strapped to chairs. Children, carrying knives,ran around. One of the men held his hand out to me. That hand was chopped off by one of the children. That child met my gaze, and i saw nothing but hatred in his eyes. He knew not to run for me. He knew I would strike him down. My hand was on my swords hilt as I progressed slowly through the room.

 

The dirt floor was moist, and the bodies of the dead hung from a chandelier, hands tied so that the body dangled down.

 

The children stared. I knew they were crazy. I would not turn my back on any of them. I was not going to die.

 

At the other end of the room, I found a door. I opened it and the shock of my adulthood came.

 

There was my master from when I was a child. There he was in bed with a crying woman.There he was raping a woman.

 

He looked at me and walked naked, toward his clothes. I closed the door and let him dress. I was going to kill him like any proper swordsman.

 

"Why are you doing this to these children?"

 

"It is not my fault, I am a mercenary, and it was my job to stay with these children and allow them to drink the blood of humans. In return I got money, and any women they found would be in bed with me."

 

I drew my sword and plunged it into his belly.

 

"You bastard...I don't care if it was a mission...you don't screw with women like that... who the hell are those children?"

 

As blood stained his teeth and gushed out of his wound, around my still plunged sword, he said "It was the council..."

 

More blood, this time dripping from his mouth.

 

"What council?"

 

"Vampires."

 

His mouth foamed, and I drew my sword from his stomach. He fell before me.

 

The woman on the bed drew the blanket around herself and ran from the room.

 

Before I could follow her up the ladder, I felt a sharp pain on the back of my leg. I looked and saw a small kid holding onto a knife, planted in my skin.

 

I kicked backward and the hilt of the knife hit the child, smashing some of his teeth to shards.

 

Suddenly, a bombardment of children, all plunging knives into my legs. I tried to pull myself up the ladder. A sharp pain in my thigh kept me from focusing. A knife was planted in my thigh. I tore it out and threw it at a child climbing the ladder.

 

I barely escaped with my life.

 

The King made me a lower ranked guard after I was out of the hospital facility in the castle. He told me I should have blown them up with an explosive potion, or just killed them with my sword. Apparently, they had got away and were now operating in Falador, killing white knights.

 

I would get my revenge...

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2:

 

Garth broke the silence in the small pub. All the men stared as he pulled his cloak off and showed his armor. He was an enforcer. They were a group of people who made sure the law was kept everywhere they went. That sucked that this enforcer decided to come today of all days.

 

 

 

"All of you put the ale down and your hands up!" He drew his sword and waved it menacingly in front of him.

 

 

 

A drunk man, the strongest man in the pub, wobbled toward the enforcer.

 

 

 

"What'cha gonna do if we don'?" The man asked and raised a fist.

 

 

 

The enforcer stared at the man menacingly and sheathed his sword.

 

 

 

"Well, would you mind sitting down while I solve this problem?"

 

 

 

The big man swung at the enforcer. The air in front of the enforcer shimmered and suddenly, he was behind the big guy.

 

 

 

"Should not have tried." The enforcer punched the big guy. He flew through the wall and into a farming patch.

 

 

 

"Now then," the enforcer said cheerily,"please stop yelling, the neighbors are trying to read and cannot read with you yelling like you are. So please keep quite or you may end up like the big man out there...maybe he'll sprout some sense after he wakes up in that farming patch! Get it?"

 

 

 

Most were to drunk to get it while others tried to figure out why someone would make such a stupid joke as that.

 

 

 

"Cheerio." The man said and left.

 

 

 

....................................................

 

 

 

Kandra watched the enforcer from a wall on the other side of the pub. She was going to kill that idiot. For what he did to her.

 

 

 

Kandra was eighteen when she commited a murder. She killed an old man who witnessed her stealing something.

 

 

 

And then a year later she killed another person.

 

 

 

And it continued for years. And then he came along and seduced her. Enticed her. Acted like they were lovers. The day they were supposed to get married he arrested her.

 

 

 

He was a nasty man. Seduce a girl and be her lover for months, and then at the wedding, arrest her in front of her friends and family? It was embarrassing.

 

 

 

She continued to watch him. She thought about killing him right their, but that was to risky, to many witnesses would see it. She would follow him and find a secluded little spot to kill him at.

 

 

 

Her thoughts were cut short when some unseen force shoved her over the wall. She fell to her feet. She did not know much but she knew enough to keep her alive.

 

 

 

There he was standing there laughing.

 

 

 

"Hello my sweet girl, how have yo been doing since last we met?"

 

 

 

"You..."

 

 

 

"Me? Well I have been having a jolly good time with the enforcers. Just last week I..."

 

 

 

"Shut up you chauvinistic bastard!"

 

 

 

"Wow...a feisty little one. How am I chauvinistic?"

 

 

 

"You seduced me so you could trap me when I least expected. I don't think you plan weddings with men and arrest them at the wedding do you?"

 

 

 

"No I don't, but it was a good plan, wasn't it? It worked."

 

 

 

"I will kill you...you made my family hate me. My friends walked away from me without a word. Two years in prison and no one sent me a letter...and why? Because you had to do it in front of my family!"

 

 

 

"You think you can kill me? I could easily defeat you."

 

 

 

"Try me."

 

 

 

"I have...it was good."

 

 

 

"You sick little..."

 

 

 

And Garth took that moment to conjure a spell and direct it a her. It smashed into her stomach and sent her flying into the wall. She passed out.

 

 

 

"I am sorry, but it was the only way." Garth walked away and did not look back.

 

 

 

...............................................

 

 

 

Kandra awoke to see a face.

 

 

 

"I know you!" She began to get to her feet.

 

 

 

"You should. I am Lord Draynor. And I have a proposition for you..."

 

 

 

Interlude 1:

 

 

 

VAMPIRE ORIGINS

 

 

 

The vampire is a being of pure evil. It's only purpose in life is to suck blood and turn human souls into lifeless vessels. The humans, in turn, get a blood lust. This leads to whole populations getting turned into these zombie like creatures.

 

 

 

The first recorded report of Vampire activity was at the end of the god war. Zamorack, as the myth goes, brought one of these creatures down in order for him to get payback from Sarradomin. This one creature converted a whole village into lifeless beings.

 

 

 

The great hero, Zuklos, fought these vampires. He could not kill them in any way. As he fell to the ground, defeated by the vampires, he pulled a holy simple of Sarradomin from his breast pocket and clutched in his hands. As the vampires came down to suck his blood, they saw the symbol and seemed to shrivel. They ran away.

 

 

 

Soon, the lands to the east were dying. The vampires set a council there. The council has never been seen. The building they resided in was seen by many, but not the council itself.

 

 

 

And then, a wealthy man, named Lord Draynor appeared in front of the council building and destroyed it with one arm raised. The place blew apart and bodies were found in the ruins. They later found out that they were human bodies. But the people were too late. Lord Draynor, now head of the council, showed up in the lands to the west and built a village. This was the first time a vampire built a village specifically for the purpose of making an army.

 

 

 

The world would fear him. But some hero's would stand against him and his army...

 

 

MY RATING: 41%

Now its time to look back on the original Snake and Noobs.

 

S+N ORIGINALS

 

CHAPTER 1: A FATEFUL MEETING

 

 

 

The man known only as Snake walked down the streets of Varrock. He eventually came to the town square. he was wearing full dragon armor and his rune boots. His weapon was his abyssal whip.

 

 

 

At town square a man wearing absolutely nothing but a skintight shirt and green pants was yelling "i need free stuff". Damn noobs, thought Snake. Suddenly the bald noob walked up to him.

 

 

 

"What the hell do you want noob?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"How much for those fine looking sausage links in your hand?" asked the noob.

 

 

 

"It's an abyssal whip nooblet. And no you can't buy unless you have the proper money."

 

 

 

" I will give you a bucket and 12 clay. Hows that sound?"

 

 

 

"NOOOO!!!! You have to give me 1.5 million".

 

 

 

"Wait, let me calculate. 1.5 million equals one million plus .5...DAMMIT, i need a calculator!"

 

 

 

"You noob...one million five hundred thousand!"

 

 

 

"OHHHHH. Can you teach me to make that much?"

 

 

 

"Hell i got nothing better to do."

 

 

 

The noob followed Snake as he went to Draynor to teach the noob woodcutting...

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2: WOODCUTTING

 

 

 

Snake gave noob a bronze woodcutting ax and took noob to the woods. In the woods, noob saw a group of noobs wood chopping a yew.

 

 

 

"Hi guys what clan are you in?" the noobs gave no response.

 

 

 

"Those are MACROERS noob. Thats a big word! Can you say it?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"MACROERS"

 

 

 

"Good for you...now lets cut that tree right there." Snake pointed at a normal tree and the noob went to the tree and began to chop. The tree started wobbling and shaking. Noob fell to the ground crying. Some random guy got an ax head plunged between his eyes as it flew through the air.

 

 

 

Snake walked up to the guy and pulled the ax head out of the head. Snake walked up to the ent and said "Screw Off" calmly. The ent shriveled and died. The noob had his thumb in his mouth and was rolling on the ground crying.

 

 

 

"Did scary ent hurt you noob?" Snake asked sweetly.

 

 

 

"No! B..B..But i am go..gon..gonna have ni..ght..mare..s"

 

 

 

"Oh poor noob! Give me the goddamn axe handle!"

 

 

 

"Here" and the noob placed it in Snakes hand. Snake fitted the pieces together and told the noob to try again.

 

 

 

The noob started cutting the tree. A log fell from the tree. The noob picked it up and just when he put his head up a log hit his head and knocked him out.

 

 

 

"Goddamn it, now what...Jagex has never made this type of update. What a stupid random!! I know what to do."

 

 

 

Snake picked up noob and took him to the wizards tower bridge and threw him over. Noob splashed up from the water and started yelling at Snake.

 

 

 

"You dirtbag!!!"

 

 

 

"Come on out lets try this one more time."

 

 

 

Noob splashed and screamed all the way to the shore and Snake picked him up by the scruf of the neck and handed him his ax back.

 

 

 

"One more try! If you screw up we move on to something else."

 

 

 

Noob went to the tree and chopped until he finally cut it down.

 

 

 

"Ow...MY FOOT!!!" a level 56 walked up to noob." I'm gonna kick your [wagon]!"

 

 

 

"Yeah right" Snake walked up to the 56 and threw him into a tree and plunged a sword into his stomach. His last dying words were "What type of sword?"

 

 

 

"It's a dragon scimmy." Snake then pulled his sword out and suddenly noticed noob talking to someone. Snake walked up to them.

 

 

 

"Whats your name?"

 

 

 

"Ash and i am gonna give this guy 2 mil for the wine of zamorak."

 

 

 

"It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!!" siad noob.

 

 

 

"Your a scammer aren't you?" asked Snake

 

 

 

"Yeah...i've had a ton of people ban me and I just get a day off of the game or something then come back and keep going"

 

 

 

"Whats a scammer?" asked noob.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3: SCAMMERS AND THE WILD

 

 

 

The chaos temple was an old structure. The gang that consisted of Snake, noob, and Ash the scammer entered and noob looked around the building. Tons of Zamorakian priests were in the area. Noob stopped Ash.

 

 

 

 

 

"Before i take the wine can you explain to me what a scammer is?"

 

 

 

"No. I will tell you after you get me the wine."

 

 

 

"Fair enough"

 

 

 

Noob walked to the wine and looked at it. It was blood red. Snake was yelling at noob to not take it and it was a trick. Noob took it anyway.

 

 

 

"FEAR THE POWER OF ZAMORACK!" siad a very powerful voice.

 

 

 

"Who the hell is Zamorack?" asked noob.

 

 

 

"OH THATS IT YOU ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED."

 

 

 

"For what? I don't have a clue who the hell Zamora..."

 

 

 

Suddenly fire spewed out of the floor and the noob started burning. The Zamorackian mages started attacking him as noob ran. Ash was at the door and held the door closed as the noob tried to escape.

 

 

 

The noobs last dying words were "Kill him Snake."

 

 

 

Ash grabbed the wine from noobs bones and laughed in an evil tone.

 

 

 

"Hay, Ash, follow me." siad Snake.

 

 

 

"O.K"

 

 

 

Snake led Ash to the wilderness ditch. Snake jumped it without a flinch.

 

 

 

"Come on Ash jump!"

 

 

 

Ash walked back and ran as fast as he could. He then tried to jump but fell into the ditch.

 

 

 

"Damn you and your random event updates Jagex!" yelled Ash.

 

 

 

"Your telling me." added Snake.

 

 

 

"Help me out here!" yelled Snake.

 

 

 

Snake took his dragon scimmy and put it down into the ditch. Ash grabbed it and Snake pulled him up. Suddenly, Ash yanked the sword out of Snakes hand.

 

 

 

"Dammit I was to careless!" The scimmy was to heavy for Ash and it fell out of his hands and onto the ground.

 

 

 

"Fine I"ll defeat you with my bare hands!"

 

 

 

Ash took a mithril scimmy out of its sheath and started swinging at Snake. Snake dodged and crouched down. He kicked out and tripped Ash. Ash screamed as he fell. Ash lunged his scimmy at Snake from the ground. The tip of the Scimmy was in between Snakes fingertips the next time Ash looked.

 

 

 

Ash then kicked out and tripped Snake. Snake slit the webbing between his fingers. Snake screamed and then backflipped onto his feet.

 

 

 

"You son of a [bleep]."

 

 

 

Snake ran and jumped over Ash. Ash jumped up and started swinging wildly at Snake. Snake jumped over the wilderness ditch.

 

 

 

"You chickening out?" asked Ash.

 

 

 

"No, i just wanna fight over here."

 

 

 

Ash stared at the ditch. Dammit he would do it. He would make the leap! He walked back and ran. As he ran Snake jumped over the ditch and grabbed his scimmy from the ground. His dragon scimmy took a huge slash at Ash's legs and Ash screamed as he fell over and his legs stood there without a body attached, bleeding.

 

 

 

"You cheated!" whispered Ash.

 

 

 

"So what? It doesn't matter. I probably will see you in Lumbridge when i meet up with noob."

 

 

 

"And I'll keep my scimmy."

 

 

 

"And I'll kill you again. See you there."

 

 

 

And Ash lay there, bleeding all over the grass as he watched Snake walk away. The last thing Ash thought was "I have about five minutes to scam something from someone in Lumbrige to use against Snake."

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4:ENEMY RESISTANCE

 

 

 

Snake entered the front gardens of Lumbridge castle only to find noob yelling at some guy. Snake came up closer to listen in.

 

 

 

"No way you stupid noob" yelled some guy in full guthans.

 

 

 

"Your armor is seriously worse than bronze you loser so give it to me for five gold coins." replied noob.

 

 

 

"No! Stupid noob"

 

 

 

"Hey what the hell are we fighting about?" Snake butted in.

 

 

 

"Who the hell are you?" asked the guy in guthans.

 

 

 

"He's the guy who's gonna kick your [wagon] into next year!" yelled noob. A bunch of noobs crowded around Snake,noob, and the guy in guthans. The crowd shouted "Fight, Fight,Fight!"

 

 

 

"So you think you can whoop my [wagon]?" asked the guthans guy.

 

 

 

"No that was noob there saying that but ya i could whoop your [wagon] anyway." replied Snake.

 

 

 

"Fine then, fell the wrath of my guthans armor!" The man charged at Snake. Snake side-stepped out of the way. The guthans guy yelled as Snake stabbed him through his armor and pulled his scimmy out of the back of his head, only to have an eyeball on the tip of the scimmy.

 

 

 

"Ewwwwww!!!!!" yelled the crowd. Blood oozed out of the guthans guys helmet and dripped to the pavement. The guthans guy screamed and eventually died.

 

 

 

Snake grabbed all his stuff. Suddenly, some guy walked up to him.

 

 

 

"You pulled out my eye and stole my guthans you bastard!"

 

 

 

"Oh. You must be the guy behind the armor. I'm sorry but this stuff is officially mi..." Snake was cut off by arrows being shot at him from the top of the walls to Lumbridge castle. On top, two men stared at Snake.

 

 

 

"Ash, level 56 guy that noob pissed off when he accidently cut down a tree that landed on your foot." said Snake.

 

 

 

"Oh, he's good. For being down there and not being able to see any of our features..."

 

 

 

"Cut the crap, what the hell are you doing here?" yelled Snake.

 

 

 

"We are here to kill you." yelled back Ash. Snake knew that voice anywhere.

 

 

 

"Where'd you get the arrows?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Oh. I jacked them off of some person claiming to be the range guide." was his reply.

 

 

 

"[wagon]." said Snake.

 

 

 

"What was that? Oh your [wagon] is dead!"

 

 

 

The figures jumped down and Ash took out a training sword while the level 56 took out a magic staff. Ash attacked first, swiping brutally at Snake. Noob meanwhile was sneaking up behind the level 56. Noob poked him on the back. When the level 56 turned around noob slapped him in the face.

 

 

 

"Oh, you call that a [bleep]-slap?" The level 56 slapped noob and noob was thrown through the wall and into the Lumbridge chapel.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Snake took out his dragon scimmy and parried Ash's attacks. After a minute of parrying, Ash attacked high which left Ash just enough opening to kick Ash in the nuts. Ash screamed and fell to the ground clutching his nuts whispering "You bastard!" Snake put an end to him and was then put on fire by the level 56's magic attack.

 

 

 

Snake walked casually up to the fountain and put out the flames. When he looked at the level 56 he said "oww".

 

 

 

The level 56 stared and stared." Holy crap! How can i beat a guy who isn't even intimidated by my strongest normal atta...wait a minute, lets get my main out."

 

 

 

The level 56 logged out. Suddenly another guy appeared wearing full mystic. He attacked Snake using a spell that froze Snake. The new guy then used his most powerful attack, Fire Barrage. Snake was completely on fire. Snake walked to the fountain casually again and soaked his body in it.

 

 

 

"Oww, that hurt pretty bad you bastard."

 

 

 

Snake ran at the new guy and jumped over his fire spell. Snake then cut the new guys staff in half, along with the new guys body. "Damn you." was his final words.

 

 

 

Snake walked away from the castle and to the chapel. He found noob sprawled over Father Lawrence.

 

 

 

"Sorry Father." Snake picked up noob and threw him over his shoulder. They needed to go to Karamja. Snake had to kill the most powerful monster in the world and show all that he was not a level 126 prone to tricks and that anyone who messed with him would get their [wagon] whooped.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 5:THE FIGHT CAVES

 

 

 

Snake was walking out of the fight pit with the highest level monster in the games hide thrown over his shoulder. He now wore a lava cape. Noob ran up to him.

 

 

 

"That was awesome when you stuffed the magic staff down its mouth and blew his head clean off!"

 

 

 

"Ya i guess..."

 

 

 

Suddenly an army in full guthans started running into the caves and surrounding everyone. People screamed and ran as the guys in guthans slaughtered them yelling "where is Snake? He killed one of our kind!"

 

 

 

"I am right here stupids!" yelled Snake over all the talking and ranting of the guthans warriors.

 

 

 

"Oh my god! There he is" yelled one. Snake rolled his eyes. The more he made enemies the more he delved into the world of stupidity. Meeting noob was the biggest mistake of his life. But at the same time he thought it was good because now he had a bunch of people to kill every minute of every day.

 

 

 

"Die Snake!" Snake dodged an attack at him and took out his sword. He decapitated the guy and grabbed his spear. Snake threw the spear into this guys helmet. It penetrated and came out the back end with pieces of brain attached to it.

 

 

 

"Yay violence!" Yelled noob from the background. Snake looked back and saw four figures behind noob. One grabbed noob by the head and shoved him into a giant sack. Snake ran after them but they teleported.

 

 

 

More guthans guys attacked. Snake dodged spears and snapped them in half. Suddenly a defense pure wearing nothing but the guthans and a bronze sword walked up to Snake.

 

 

 

"Fear me" Said the level 4

 

 

 

"Fear this" and Snake kicked the level 4 in the gut and he was sent flying through more guthans guys until he hit the wall and a huge crack was heard as lava spilled upon the guthans guys. One of them, they're leader snake thought, contained the lava with an ancient magiks spell. More Guthans guys came. Suddenly, this guy in full rune showed up with his rune long and started whooping the guthans guys.

 

 

 

"Who the hell are you?" asked Snake as he parried more blows and killed some more people.

 

 

 

"The names powerent and I'm here because I have a friend who was killed by these losers and wanna kill all of em" He was drenched in blood by now. Snake was to but he did not care. He licked his lips and tasted the iron like taste of the enemies blood.

 

 

 

More came and Snake saw the leader of them standing on lava near the bank. Powerent pummeled some more guthans guys and screamed as one of the guthans guys stabbed his back. Snake ran over to powerent and sliced the guthans guy in half. Powerent muttered a word of thanks and pulled the spear out of his back. The leader of them walked across the lava in, not guthans, but in a Zamorak mage outfit.

 

 

 

" You killed one of ours!" he yelled.

 

 

 

"Who?" asked powerent.

 

 

 

"Read chapter 4 stupid" yelled the leader.

 

 

 

" Whats your name?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"I am Leader." he replied.

 

 

 

" Oh lord, another [wagon]." whispered Snake.

 

 

 

"I heard that now you will die!" said leader.

 

 

 

Leader used a fire spell and tried to set Snake on fire. Snake used a water shield and the flames diminished. He shot the water from the shield at Leader and Leader jumped out of the way. Snake stopped the water and made it hit Leader's back. It then slithered around Leader's body until he was enveloped in it.

 

 

 

The water then whisked Leader over the lava where the water boiled and Leader screamed. Eventually the screams stopped and Snake made the water set Leader's body down. Powerent threw up all over death, who was picking up the dead bodies.

 

 

 

"Just for that your next" he said.

 

 

 

Leader's body was skinless and all that was seen from the outside was white flesh. Snake touched it and it stuck to his hand like glue. Powerent threw up again. Death picked up Leaders body.

 

 

 

"Snake, why are you doing my job for me?" he asked.

 

 

 

"Cuz' i can" replied Snake.

 

 

 

Suddenly a voice, noobs voice, entered Snake's mind.

 

 

 

"I am using the force Snake." noobs voice said.

 

 

 

"Uh-Huh." was all Snake could say.

 

 

 

"Using the force i can speak to you through my mnd."

 

 

 

"Noob, i am going to be nice to you for once." said Snake softly."Turn off your friends chat if your gonna be stupid."

 

 

 

"Oh Snake your no fun!"

 

 

 

"Where are you?"

 

 

 

"Some kinda alter. I think the chaos alter."

 

 

 

CHAPTER 6:THE NOOB GANG AND EVERYONES PAST

 

 

 

Snake teleported to Varrock and so did Powerent. They ran through the throngs of crowds until they got to the chaos temple. Surrounding the altar were two level 3's and a level and a level 3.5.

 

 

 

"Who the hell are you?" asked a level 3.

 

 

 

"Snake, you?"

 

 

 

"Mutant Autoer."

 

 

 

"Cool name but i have to kill you if you don't release noob."

 

 

 

"I'll kill you first!"

 

 

 

"Bring it!" said Snake.

 

 

 

"No you bring it!" Mutant Autoer said.

 

 

 

Snake muttered "the bad guys get stupider and stupider" and took out his dragon sword. Mutant Autoer suddenly started throwing rune essence at Snake.

 

 

 

"What the hell?" yelled Snake.

 

 

 

"Fear my essence" said Mutant.

 

 

 

Snake ran at Mutant dodging all the essence he threw at him. Snake then stopped in front of Mutant. Mutant took out bronze pickax and struck Snake in the torso. The head of the pickax broke on impact and bounced off Snakes torso and into Mutants head. Mutant was dead.

 

 

 

"My name is Chronic lier and if you don't stop killing my friends I will get my main, zezima to kill you!" said a noob behind Snakes back.

 

 

 

"You don't spell Zezema that way loser!"

 

 

 

"Ya you do! Now die!" Snake dodged his stick and decapitated the noob.

 

 

 

"Who's next?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

Suddenly, the stained glass in the front of the room was shattered by some guy wearing full rune(g). He killed the level 3.5 with his rune scimmy and stabbed through the chaos altar killing some other guy.

 

 

 

"Noob police here to kill all noobs related in this kidnapping." he showed his badge. Powerent looked at it.

 

 

 

"So what..." Suddenly the ground shook as a giant monster came up from beneath the ground of the Varrock fountain. Bodies flied through the air. Suddenly a voice said "it is time, powerent, to face your destiny."

 

 

 

"O.K now what the hell is going on?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Hell IS what is going on!" said the voice.

 

 

 

"Who are you?"asked powerent.

 

 

 

"I am the dark lord Zamorak and have come to take the life of Saradomins son."

 

 

 

"Who me?" asked powerent.

 

 

 

"Yes...prepare to die." The monster, that looked like a giant snake (as in the animal not the person) slithered out of the hole it came out of and lunged at powerent. Powerent jumped onto the snakes head, as Snake jumped into its mouth and ripped out one of its fangs.

 

 

 

"My son powerent, take this sword and KICK ZAMORAKS [wagon]!" said a voice.

 

 

 

"Who are you?" asked powerent.

 

 

 

"I am Saradomin, you're father!"

 

 

 

A huge blue sword fell from the sky and powerent caught it by the hilt and plunged it into the snake's head. The snake screamed and lifted its head throwing powerent into the armor shop's window. Snake jumped out of the snake's mouth and landed on the eastern bank. Powerent kicked the armor shops door off it's hinges and jumped onto the eastern bank. Snake stood beside powerent.

 

 

 

"Your the son of a god huh?" Snake asked.

 

 

 

"Ya I guess i am. But why am i not a really high level?"

 

 

 

Snake was not paying attention, he was busy watching a giant blue jay swoop down and rip out one of the snake's eyes. The noob police guy was then whisked away by the bird. Powerent was slicing at the snake's head the next time Snake checked his friend. Blood was spilled all over the town and an evil voice cackled.

 

 

 

"My favorite color! And now it is all over the city marking me as this cities ruler!" The voice laughed.

 

 

 

"Shut the hell up Zamorak!" said Snake calmly.

 

 

 

"How dare you speak to your FATHER that way!"

 

 

 

CHAPTER 7:PART 2

 

 

 

" You may be my father but i will still whoop your [wagon]!" said Snake.

 

 

 

Zamorack'S VOICE laughed. Suddenly the giant snake disappeared and powerent started walking around wondering what happened. Suddenly Zamorack appeared ON THE BANK and blew Snake up.

 

 

 

"Oh crap." was all that escaped powerent's mouth.

 

 

 

Powerent jumped onto the East bank and started slicing at Zamorack. Zamorack got cut and started bleeding lava. "You bastard!" Zamorack said and took out his sword and Zamoracks blade met powerents.

 

 

 

Powerent attacked fiercely and stabbed Zamoracks stomach.

 

 

 

"How the hell am i hitting you and Snake could not hit you?"

 

 

 

"Because of that wretched sword your father gave you is a very powerful blade and a dragon sword does not affect me! I must leave there is no way to defeat one who wields the most powerful of the gods swords."

 

 

 

Zamorack poofed away.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE:

 

 

 

In Lumbridge Snake was cursing his stupidity. After a while he caught noob walking around.

 

 

 

"What happened noob?"asked Snake.

 

 

 

"They stabbed me to death."

 

 

 

"Ohh. Who were they, i called them the nooby gang."

 

 

 

"They were my old gang the AKA's."

 

 

 

"Oh, why did they want you?"

 

 

 

"I disbanded a couple days before i met you because the level 3.5 kept calling me a noob and the noob police were after us."

 

 

 

"What does the gang do?"

 

 

 

"We started off stealing items like boots and silk but soon we started stealing things from the Museum in Varrock. One of our people got caught and interrogated until he told the noob police of our location. By then i ran for it and met you eventually."

 

 

 

"Oh..."

 

 

 

"Well we better get going." said noob.

 

 

 

"To Varock." Said Snake.

 

 

MY RATING: 7%

 

 

 

SNAKE AND NOOB ADVENTURES THROUGH RUNESCAPE

 

ARTICLE 1:SPOONS AND ARCHIMAGE A

 

 

 

STORY 1:SPOONS

 

Snake and Noob walked over a power cord and into a bar. Power cords were strewn everywhere. Snake looked around to see what they were connected to. He saw the biggest T.V ever. It was like 100 feet across and 50 feet high. It was outside and being hooked up by some guy.

 

 

 

Snake told Noob he would be back and walked out to the T.V. It was currently showing a commercial for Bob's axes. Snake kicked the technician in the side of the stomach and asked him what the hell a giant T.V was doing in Runescape.

 

 

 

"None of your buisness, it is an update that Jagex specifically told me to hook up."

 

 

 

"Stand up when you are talking to me!" Snake said violently.

 

 

 

"Nope standing sucks i like sitting."

 

 

 

Snake grabbed him by the neck and stood him up. The guy instantly fell.

 

 

 

"What the hell? What's your name?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"I am Spoons. I trip over these cords all the time. Are they not thick?"

 

 

 

Snake picked one up and looked at it. It was thin as thread. Snake pulled the cord until it ripped in half and the T.V turned off.

 

 

 

"Hay, you evil person! I will make sure to ban you!" Spoons said.

 

 

 

"Hee hee. Not if your in hell!"

 

 

 

Spoons stood and fell over a cord again. Snake grabbed him and threw him into the giant T.V. Sparks flew and people everywhere were on fire. Their flesh singed off and their bones crumbled into dust. A big level 96 guy was burning and his flesh was showing along with many boils. He ran into the bar window and onto a table where noob sat. A spark flew into noobs beer and blew it up in Noobs face. Noob fell over and onto the cords. The cords then blew up the bar went with it.

 

 

 

Snake watched it blow and could only mutter one word as more people ran everywhere screaming and burning."Damn"

 

 

 

 

 

STORY 2: ARCHIMAGE A

 

Snake and Noob were walking around in Varrock and decided to go into the museum. Inside a guy in a blue robe and with a staff made up of letters was studying a Varrock history book. Noob looked at his cloak and asked, "Where do you get one of those?"

 

 

 

"If you have a Unicode Bubble you can wear these."

 

 

 

"What do you do for a living?"

 

 

 

"I ask questions and give people tests."

 

 

 

"What do i win if i pass?"

 

 

 

"The rights to say that you were the only human to pass the test. The only people who have passed looked like midget butlers."

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"Penguins you idiot!"

 

 

 

"Ohh. I want to take the test! Snake can I?"

 

 

 

"Whatever." Snake replied.

 

 

 

"Yay, lets start! By the way what is your name?"

 

 

 

"Archimage A. Let us start the quiz. What is two time two?"

 

 

 

"Four. Duh."

 

 

 

" How many syllables are in the phrase "If this question does not kill you this next question will"?"

 

 

 

"13."

 

 

 

"Very good. Next question, how do you spell Czechoslovakia?"

 

 

 

"Ohh, uhh, C...H..."

 

 

 

"Wrong,you lose and you will now be forever a loser because of this dunces hat" A dunces hat appeared on his head."That will not come off for a month."

 

 

 

"I will kill you!" yelled Noob and he lunged at Archimage A. A terrible sound erupted from a sphere behind Archimage. Noobs head exploded and blood flew all over the display cases. The museums glass started shattering everywhere and flew into tourists heads and eyes. Blood flew everywhere. Some guy ran up to Snake and hugged him saying "I always wanted to do that,but i was wondering if we could make this even more magica..." The guys eyes exploded all over Snake and the guys head exploded making Snake feel the warmth of blood and brains on his clothes. Some blood spilled on a Zamorakian artifact and Snake and Archimage ran out of the museum. A voice erupted."Who dares defile my vases?"

 

 

 

Suddenly a lightening strike fell from the heavens and the museum blew up into smithereens. The rock that used to be the walls of the museum fell on civilians crushing them. Snake whispered to Archimkage "We better get the hell out of here."

 

 

 

SPECIAL ISSUE #1: POWERENTS NONVIOLENT STORY

 

 

 

Powerent was walking to Tavelry where he would get the orb of Guthix and restore balance between the gods. He decided that this was a good time to piss off the author and not do anything violent along the way. Once in Tavelry, he went to the stone circle and took out a Spade and dug the earth up to find the sphere. He said the magic words and balance was restored.

 

 

 

HEY KIDS, WE ALL KNOW THAT STORY SUCKED SO ITS TIME FOR AN ALTERNATE ENDING!

 

 

 

Powerent took out his spade and smashed it into one of the druids. The druids nose was broken and tried to do magic to heal it but was too late and got decapitated by the spade. "Sarodomin Is The Lord!" yelled powerent killing all the druids. Blood washed over the pillars of the stone circle. Powerent said "Screw restoring balance" and threw his spade so that it hit the witch in the face and killed her.

 

 

 

ISSUE 2:THE INNKEEPER, SPIDER COW, AND ARCHIMAGE A'S BOTHER

 

 

 

STORY 3:THE INNKEEPER

 

Snake and Noob walked into a bar. It was a normal bar with five tables in the middle, two booths in the southern corners, a bar with stools, and an innkeeper.

 

 

 

Snake and Noob sat at the bar and Snake set down some gold.

 

 

 

"Two of your finest ales."

 

 

 

The innkeeper took two glasses and filled them with the ale setting one in front of Snake and the other in front of Noob.

 

 

 

"Like hell i'm giving you that." Snake took the glass of ale away from Noob and told the innkeeper to get his friend a juice box. Noob complained but Snake said that he was to low level and would get drunk to easily. The innkeeper set down juice box and looked at Snake.

 

 

 

"Two hundred coins please."

 

 

 

Noob butted in "Snakes rich but not rich enough to afford that!"

 

 

 

"Well then get the hell out of my bar!"

 

 

 

People behind Noob and Snakes back stood up and stared.

 

 

 

"No." Said Noob.

 

 

 

"Here I'll pay." Snake went for his money pouch attached to his belt but was suddenly stopped by an adamant long sword cutting away the pouch. Two guys in addy armor were looking at Snake and Noob.

 

 

 

"You guys think your tough aye?"

 

 

 

Snake took his beer glass and said "I will kill you with this."

 

 

 

"As long as you pay for it!" The innkeeper butted in.

 

 

 

"Fine, I'll pay for it." Snake went for his money pouch that was lying on the floor. A sword was plunged down at him. Snake dodged and came up, striking the guy in the neck with the beer glass. A huge chunk of glass broke on impact and lay implanted in the guys neck.

 

 

 

Snake chipped a piece of glass from the beer glass and dodged the other guys Addy scimitar. Snake jumped onto the guys head and stuck the piece of glass into his eye. Suddenly, the guys explode prayer came on.

 

 

 

"Oh crap." Snake,Noob,innkeeper, and the building blew up.

 

 

 

In lumbridge the innkeeper said to Snake "Cough up two million!"

 

 

 

 

 

STORY 4:SPIDER COW

 

 

 

Snake and Noob were killing cows for hides in some random pasture. One of the cows looked funny. It was near a haystack with a lamp next to it. This haystack was up against the wall. The cow had a pattern like spider webs on its body. Noob walked up to it and punched its nose. The cow kicked the lamp onto the haystack and the fire spread onto the wall. Snake saw noobs hand get eaten off by the cow and then he was kicked over the city walls and into the city. The fire was spreading quickly.

 

 

 

Snake attacked the cow and only scratched it with his powerful special attack.

 

 

 

"Oh Crap!" Snake was then catapulted over the wall and into the fire.

 

 

 

NOW LETS ASK SOME QUESTIONS!

 

 

 

WHICH FIRE WAS STARTED BY A COW SUPPOSEDLY?

 

a.THE GREAT FIRE OF CHICAGO

 

b.THE GREAT FIRE OF WHO CARES

 

c.I DON'T KNOW

 

 

 

LETS TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR ANSWER. GUESS WHAT? THEY ARE ALL RIGHT ANSWERS. ANSWERING a. MEANS THAT YOUR A SMARTASS! NEXT QUESTION:

 

 

 

WHERE THE HELL DID THE NAME SPIDER COW COME FROM?

 

a.SOME DUDE WHO WAS WATCHING A SIMPSONS MOVIE COMMERCIAL AND THOUGHT SPIDER COW SOUNDED BETTER THAN SPIDER PIG

 

b.SOME DUDE WHO HAS BEEN WATCHING TO MUCH MONSTERS INC.

 

c.SOME GUY WHO GETS PLEASURE FROM THE STUPIDEST THINGS

 

 

 

IF YOU PICKED ANY OF THEM I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR RIGHT! ASK THE CREATOR OF SPIDER COW. HOPEFULLY NO ONE WHO WORKS WITH THE SIMPSONS WILL SUE HIM FOR THAT IDEA! NEXT STORY PLEASE:

 

 

 

STORY 5:ARCHIMAGE A'S BOTHER

 

Snake and Noob walked with Archimage. He was trying to find the lost library.

 

 

 

Archimage was being followed by some level 30's.

 

 

 

"Who are they?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"My bother." replied Archimage. They kept asking him questions.

 

 

 

Archimage got mad. "Me and my friends are going to find the fabled lost library and you are not coming." Archimage closed his eyes and called on his Unicode bubble. Suddenly all of the Archimages bother members eyes popped and their mouths opened. They're intestines slithered out of their mouths and around they're throats strangling them to death.

 

 

 

"Brutal." said Snake.

 

 

 

"Hay this is the first time we have not died in the end of a story!"

 

 

 

Lucky for you.

 

 

 

POWERENTS NONVIOLENT STORY 1:

 

Powerent walked along the road staring at the many beautiful flowers and staring at the wizards tower.

 

THE END

 

 

 

STORY 6:THE MASTER

 

Noob was alone outside a bar where Snake was drinking. Noob saw a chick that was level 121. He thought she was hot and went up to her.

 

 

 

"Hi baby."

 

 

 

"Noob" she said.

 

 

 

"You know my name? Oh my god." Noob hugged her.

 

 

 

"Whats thats poking at me?"

 

 

 

"Oh nothing." Noob was pushed off of her by Snake.

 

 

 

"Master?I never thought i would see you again!"

 

 

 

"Oh Snake."

 

 

 

"You know each other?" asked Noob.

 

 

 

"Meet me tonight in that bars basement. 12 o' clock sharp."

 

 

 

"Oh, you are so dirty." Snake said.

 

 

 

"Snake why do you get all the ladies and action?"

 

 

 

"Because kid, I am hot and a high level and met her in junior high. Thats when i found out I was better than all the 8th graders combined."

 

 

 

"Ewww"

 

 

MY RATING: 14%

 

 

 

SNAKE AND NOOB AND THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY HAND GRENADE

 

CHAPTER 1:ARDOUGNE

 

Snake and Noob walked to the top of a hill. From it, they could see Ardougne. Ardougne had a magnificent castle, surrounded by a moat. Snake and Noob stared at it. They then entered the city and crossed the bridge over the moat to the castle. They were stopped by a man on top of the castle.

 

 

 

"Halt, who goes there?" He asked.

 

 

 

"It is I, Snake, son of Zamorak and this is my companion Noob, son of a bit.." Snake was cut off.

 

 

 

"Bitter drunk!" Butted in Noob.

 

 

 

"State your business!" Said the guy at the top of the castle.

 

 

 

"We are searching for companions to join us on a quest for the Holy Hand Grenade, so we can use it to find the Holy Grail."

 

 

 

"There is no such thing!" said the man.

 

 

 

"Ohh yes there is. It is real." Replied another man who appeared beside the guy on top of the castle.

 

 

 

"Is not"

 

 

 

"Is too"

 

 

 

"Is not

 

 

 

"Is too"

 

 

 

Snake and Noob walked around the castle and entered West Ardougne.

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2: WEST ARDOUGNE

 

A cart was being pulled through a narrow, gravel road. Dead bodies were piled on it. "Bring out your dead." Yelled an old man. He was pushing the cart. People were carrying dead bodies and piling them onto the cart.

 

 

 

Some woman had a cat in her hands and was smashing it against a wall. "I NEED FOOD!"She yelled. Once the cat was limp,she walked into a small shack and closed the door.

 

 

 

A guy carrying an old man walked up to the cart. The old guy was screaming.

 

 

 

"My dad cannot shut up and I want him gone!" The guy said.

 

 

 

"It's against regulations to put a live person on this cart."

 

 

 

The man snapped his dad's neck and threw him onto the cart.

 

 

 

Suddenly, Snake and Noob walked through the city.

 

 

 

"Damn showoffs. So what if we're poor you showoffs? Look we can kill our dad's and get away with it!" Said the guy who killed his dad.

 

 

 

"I can't move my head to the right!" said his dad from the cart. "I'm gonna get your brother from the rich lands to kill you!"

 

 

 

"Sorry sir, can't take live ones." The cart guy put the old guy over the guys shoulder.

 

 

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I HATE YOU DAD!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

"Son, I hate your [wagon] more than your mother and thats saying something."

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3: DIGSITE

 

Snake and Noob were outside Varrock. They found some people working in a digsite.

 

 

 

"Ma'am?" Snake asked a person pulling a cart full of rocks.

 

 

 

"I'm a man."

 

 

 

"Ohh sorry. What is in that castle up there?" Snake pointed at Varrock castle.

 

 

 

"A king and his loyal knights."

 

 

 

"Which king may i ask good sir?"

 

 

 

"The one in the beautiful picture in the castle?"

 

 

 

"Who resides in that castle?" Asked Snake again.

 

 

 

"No one."

 

 

 

"No one?"

 

 

 

"No one."

 

 

 

"No one!"

 

 

 

"No one. It's just there for decoration."

 

 

 

"Screw you! Screw all you peasants!"

 

 

 

"We may be poor but at least we work harder than you!"

 

 

 

"Thats what they all say, and its not true! Now then Noob, let us go sit and watch these peasants work."

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4:MCGRUBER'S WOODS

 

Snake and Noob walked through the woods very slowly, for they needed rest. Unknown to them,a Black Knight and a White Knight were fighting fiercely very close to them.

 

 

 

Snake and Noob entered a clearing where they watched the knight's clash. "I bet you two gold that the White Knight will win."Whispered Noob to Snake.

 

 

 

The White Knight was kicked into a tree. Implanted in the tree was an ax. The White Knight took it and ran at the Black Knight. The Black Knight threw his sword into the White Knights face. It sliced through and blood spurted everywhere."You owe me two gold."Whispered Snake to Noob.

 

 

 

"Damn, my life savings."

 

 

 

The White Knight fell and the Black Knight puled his sword out of his head.

 

 

 

Snake walked up to the Black Knight.

 

 

 

"You have proven yourself worthy to join me in my quest for the Holy Hand Grenade and the Holy Grail. Come with us or let us pass." Snake said.

 

 

 

"None shall pass!" The Black Knight lunged at Snake with his sword. Snake back-stepped and sheathed his sword. He blocked the Black Knights attacks and knocked the knight in the helmet with his sword. The clang stunned the knight and Snake cut off the knights left arm. Blood spattered out of the wound.

 

 

 

"Now step aside." said Snake.

 

 

 

"This is but a scratch, I will kill you without it!"

 

 

 

"But i just cut off your arm!"

 

 

 

"So?"

 

 

 

The knight ran at Snake with his sword in front of him, like a bull in a bull fighting game. Snake side-stepped and cut off the knights other arm. It shot blood all over Snake.

 

 

 

"Watch where you point that thing!" Yelled Snake while he shielded his face from the blood. Once the knight stopped bleeding, Snake said "I have won this battle. Now step aside!"

 

 

 

"Never! This is nothing but a flesh wound, watch me kill you!"

 

 

 

"But you don't have any arms!"

 

 

 

"Oh,really?"

 

 

 

"What are those limp things on the ground?"

 

 

 

"I dunno."

 

 

 

The knight ran at Snake and kicked him where no man wants to be kicked. Snake fell. The knight continued to kick him in the gut. Snake got up.

 

 

 

"I won the battle you bastard! Let me and my companion pass!"

 

 

 

"Are you chicken? Bwuk Bwuk Bwuk."

 

 

 

"Oh thats it!" Snake cut the knights right leg off. It gushed blood all over the soil. The knight hopped on one leg and continued to ram into Snake. Snake cut off his last leg. The knight fell to the ground.

 

 

 

Snake called Noob forward and they continued through the forest.

 

 

 

"Running away? The Black Knights always triumph!" Said the knight who was standing on the stumps he had left for legs.

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 5: EDGEVILLE

 

The people ran through the town carrying a woman.

 

 

 

"A WITCH!" They yelled.

 

 

 

"We shall drown her!" Called there leader.

 

 

 

Snake and Noob saw them doing this. They ran to the front of the crowd.

 

 

 

"You seem like a good leader. Would you like to be our companion on the search for the Holy Grail and the Holy Hand Grenade? Asked Snake to their leader.

 

 

 

"I would be honored. My name is Powerent."

 

 

 

"Good. Follow us."

 

 

 

"No, let me see the witch die!"

 

 

 

"Yes let us kill this woman wearing a carrot on her nose and painted green." Said Snake.

 

 

 

"Well this town is very boring you know. All we have is the Wild so why not kill a few innocent women wearing carrots on their noses and painted green?"

 

 

 

The villagers threw her into the river. She shot some kinda fire spell at them. Two people died.

 

 

 

"Oh, she really is a witch,that would be a first!" said Powerent as he watched her teleport."Well I better leave or my life will be in danger."

 

 

 

"On to Camelot!"

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 6:CAMELOT

 

"Camelot." Said Snake.

 

 

 

"Camelot." Said Noob.

 

 

 

"Camelot." Said Powerent.

 

 

 

"Camelot." said some random guy standing next to the companions.

 

 

 

"Get the hell out of this story!" Yelled Snake.

 

 

 

"Let us enter the castle!" Said Powerent.

 

 

 

When they opened the door to the castle, they heard singing:

 

 

 

"We're Knights of the Round Table

 

We are fully unable

 

Of doing things for the king

 

and hooking up cable

 

We really suck and that is why

 

We poked out Sir Lancelot's eyes"

 

 

 

"I'm blind!" Yelled another voice.

 

 

 

Snake looked inside the room with the round table in it. Everyone was dancing and singing. Sir Lancelot was running into the wall and King Arthur was clapping to the song.

 

 

 

"We're Knights of the Round Table

 

We're seen on cable

 

doing petty things

 

for our loser king

 

We're really quite unstable

 

Thats why we became Knights of the Round Table"

 

 

 

Snake watched them dance pathetically.

 

 

 

"Boy we are unable

 

Man,we are unstable

 

We are little lads

 

Who really sad

 

Cuz, we are really bad

 

At our crappy jobs as

 

Knights of the Round Table."

 

 

 

More dancing, this time Snake ran to his companions.

 

 

 

"We are not gonna find anyone here good enough for this job. Lets get the hell outta here!"

 

 

MY RATING: 4%

 

 

 

Snake and Noob and the skills

 

MINING

 

 

 

Snake took Noob to the mining location south of Varrock. He handed Noob a bronze pickax and told him to inspect the rocks.

 

 

 

"Hmm, that mugger over there must be crapping on this rock cuz it smells like crap and looks all black."

 

 

 

"O.K...lets try that one." Snake pointed at another rock.

 

 

 

"Hmm, this one smells like pee. This must be where the mugger pees...Oh crap I stepped in it and all I'm wearing are socks on my feet!"

 

 

 

"Ohh, tough luck...Oh crap i stepped in the crap in my new boots!"

 

 

 

"HA HA!"

 

 

 

"Shut the hell up and inspect this one!"

 

 

 

"Hmm, looks like clay!"

 

 

 

"Good now mine it!"

 

 

 

Noob started mining it and it began smoking.

 

 

 

"Stop mining Noob!" yelled Snake.

 

 

 

Noob kept going until the rock exploded and Noobs pickax blew up.

 

 

 

"Thankfully, I brought spares." said Snake.

 

 

 

Noob tried again, this time the head of his pickax flew off and implanted itself on the back of the muggers head. When the mugger turned around and looked at Noob he opened his mouth and the tip of the pickax was poking out from the back. Blood gushed out of his mouth like a waterfall.

 

 

 

"Last try!" said Snake.

 

 

 

"O.k" said Noob and he tried again. This time a rock golem appeared and killed Noob.

 

 

 

"Yay, noobs dead! That must mean its the end! I need a break from the authors crappy stories. At least I don't get hurt in them."

 

 

 

Suddenly his name was erased from the title and Snake disappeared.

 

 

 

A voice from the heavens yelled "I heard that! I am you creator, your god. I am THE AUTHOR! Fear me for i can make you a homeless loser, i can make the makeover mage appear and make you a transsexual... i can even create a crappy storyline about Noob getting laid and Snake getting killed for being a witch. I GOT THE POWA!"

 

 

 

THE END?

 

 

 

RANGING AND MAGIC

 

TRY NUMBER 1

 

Snake took Noob to a location far away from known civilization,the wilderness. Noob was carrying a very heavy piece of wood with a piece of paper stuck to it. The paper was colored by Noob to look like a bullseye.

 

 

 

Snake stopped in the level 36 wild and let Noob set the wood into the muddy ground. The wood stuck in and Snake handed Noob a bow and some bronze arrows. Noob put the arrows in the ground and kept one in his hand. He prepared to shoot when a PKer showed up and killed him.

 

 

 

(Snake killed this guy and the guy kept calling him a noob with no life. Snake eventually told Archimage to test him and see how stupid he was. Of course, he didn't pass and was blown to bits a nd erased from the games memory.)

 

 

 

 

 

TRY 2

 

Noob took the bow and arrows and shot. He missed. Suddenly, evil Bob appeared and took him to his island. Noob thought it was his own personal island paradise. Then he found out he could not catch the fish in the water because they were cooked and he had to grab them from the water. Then, he found out he was a cats minion and thought that was cool. Then he found out Snake did not like him by Bob and drowned himself in the water.

 

MY RATING: 1%

SNAKE AND NOOB: THE FIGHTING TOURNAMENT ROSTER:

 

pkerforlife VS. A.J

 

 

 

Snake VS. arrowbld

 

 

 

 

 

dragonbait VS. Ash

 

 

 

Angelus VS. guthan guys

 

 

 

Grumpy Mod VS. Mutant Autoer

 

 

 

Cronic Lier VS. Forth god

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bluejayfan(Noob police guy) VS. Archimage Aquans

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Generic Innkeeper VS. Spider Cow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Archimages Bother VS. The cult of orange vegies ETC.

 

 

 

 

 

The Master VS. Xarosen

 

 

 

 

 

Zhunger VS. Plunger

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Another God VS. Generic Super Villain VS. The generic generic

 

 

 

A special 3 way fight

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Da Mage02 VS. yapyap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And of course...the three way main event:

 

 

 

NOOB VS. ARCHOMAGE VS. POWERENT

 

 

 

 

SNAKE AND NOOB: THE FIGHTING TOURNAMENT:

 

Chapter 1:pkerforlife VS. AJ (The first battle)

 

 

 

The streets of Varrock were crowded as people rushed to get to the castles courtyard. People from all over Runescape were in awe of the new event. It was commissioned by the heroes guild to see who the best fighter in Runescape is. People crowded into the castle to get seats at the top of the it. Two guards were up there to prevent violence over getting a seat.

 

 

 

The top of the walls that guarded the castle were open only to important people. Many guards were up there as well as the king and select members of the heroes guild. In the castles dining room, the chef was putting out a wonderful feast for the participants of the fight, who were sitting in wooden seats around the marble table. Two people were cussing each other out and guards were trying to break up what would have been imminent fight.

 

 

 

All the participants raised their beer mugs and banged them together. Shouts of "May the best man win" were the only words Snake could hear for a while. Eventually they stopped as people crammed food into their mouths. Snake ate slowly, eying every one of the people at the table. Some stared back at him. Others smiled. Some even flipped him the bird.

 

 

 

After the meal the participants went into the entryway and had conversations with each other. Soon enough, Snake was pleased to hear the trumpets of the guards, signaling the king was about to speak. Two guards outside opened the door and the participants lined up on the stairs and watched as the king took a knife and cut a banner that was tied to the wall.

 

 

 

It revealed the first round matches. Civilians who surrounded the ring wrote the fights down on scrap pieces of paper they had in their pockets. The participants on the stairs scanned for there name and then the people who were going to fight would give each other an ice cold stare. They would then stand at attention as the king waved his hand for silence.

 

 

 

"Some may think that the 3 way matches are not fair. But these were selected for reasons only I will ever know. Maybe i will tell you. Anyway there is no way to convince me to change matches. If any participants decide to have a street fight and are caught, they will be kicked out of the tournament. These are illegal and could result in hard labor or prison time. I will now let you see the first match. Pkerforlife, step up."

 

 

 

A guy wearing only monks robes walked to the ring and entered. He then turned, waiting to hear who his opponet would be.

 

 

 

"AJ please step into the ring." With a granite shield and a dragon battle ax, it looked like the battle was already won.

 

 

 

"These rules apply in the arena. No prayer. No food. If you get out of the ring you automatically lose. It is a fight to the death. You can spare the life of the person you are fighting. It is solely up to you. The one last rule is, no help from anyone in the ring. If you die and one of your friends decide to street fight the killer, it must be approved by me. It will then be set up at an appropriate time and place. Now then, I won't keep you any longer. FIGHT!"

 

 

 

The king yelled this at the top of his lungs and AJ ran at Pker. Pker ducked down and tripped AJ. Aj fell and Pker kicked his face. Aj's nose had a trickle of blood run out of it. AJ swung at Pker's legs and Pker jumped, avoiding the blow. Then, AJ took out a rune knife and hurled it at Pker. It hit him square in the stomach. Pker clutched his stomach and dropped to his knees. AJ got up and walked over to Pker. Pker pulled the knife out of his stomach and jammed it into AJ's knee joint. AJ screamed. It was a terrible high pitched scream that rang through Varrock. PKer ran at AJ and AJ put out his hand, palm open, facing Pker. Pker ran into it and Aj clutched Pker's neck firmly. He tightened and tightened his grip until a snap could be heard. AJ won.

 

 

 

A medical team grabbed Pker's body and took it to behind the west bank. There, they buried it. No coffin. Just the body. They then saw a man with a gravestone walk to them. The man placed the gravestone into the ground and walked off. How the hell did he know and make a gravestone so fast? wondered a medic.

 

 

 

Meanwhile at the castle the medics were lifting AJ onto a stretcher and brought him into the castle. The crowds screamed. They loved that battle. A guard tried to scrub the blood out of the ring but could not. He gave up. The King wondered why it did not scrub away. Oh well. He stood again and yelled, "It seems that we have to get to bed. It is late and we do not want the shades to get us, do we? Anyway that was but a taste of the fights that will be happening tomorrow. 10 o' clock sharp. Goodnight."

 

 

 

People walked off to their inns and homes while the king, his knights, and the fighters were herded back to the castle.

 

 

 

"It is time for a small challenge. I will give you these sometimes. I want to see you sleep outside. No tents and no other necessary supplies. I will open the doors of the castle to you at 7 in the morning tomorrow. We will see if the shades get you. So goodnight."

 

 

 

They were walked out of the castle and into the courtyard. They were then brought to the fountain where they were told this area would be there beds. Snake took out his lava staff and used a small fire spell to warm up the area he was sleeping in. He then lay down and watched as two figures appeared peering around the corner of the general store. The one was staring directly at him. Snake pulled out his sword and prepared to get up but was frozen by a cold sensation...

 

 

 

chapter 2:The first night of the tournament

 

 

 

Snake looked around him. The cold sensation grew and grew until it totally engulfed him. The shades walked toward him. No one noticed them except Snake. The shade raised an old, withered looking hand and Snake stood up. The shade stopped in front of Snake and grabbed his chin. Snake could not shake his hand away. He was paralyzed. Then, he saw another shade walk up to the one holding Snake and poke Snakes shade. The shade dropped Snake as he followed the other shades pointed hand to Noob. Noob was stealing a whip from someone. The guy noticed. He stood up and grabbed Noob, then noticed the shades. Noob handed him his whip and the guy threw Noob into a wall.

 

 

 

Snake saw the guy run at the shade and snap the whip right on its head. It let out a piercing scream that woke up everyone around. The fighters took out their weapons and piled on to fight the shades. Once the two shades were nothing but a pile of dust, a hellhound appeared and jumped onto Noob. Snake ran and grabbed the hound upper and lower jaw. He then pushed with all his might and split the dogs head in half. Blood leaked all over Noob.

 

 

 

More cries as a small army of shades ran down the street, heading towards them. There must have been ten but as Snake looked into the dark alley's, he saw more appear out of nowhere. Snake looked around and saw everyone wide eyed as more and more appeared. Suddenly, a guy using Ancient Magiks attacked the shades with ice barrage. Some fell while others took out there knives and through them at him. All of them penetrated his skin and he died. More and more shades were appearing. Snake had an idea.

 

 

 

He took out his lava battlestaff and prepared a spell. All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, a shade came up behind him and snapped his staff in half. Snake looked the shade straight in the eye and said "That was my favorite staff." He then kicked the Shade in the face and caught a sword that some guy threw to him. Snake plunged it through the shades head and the shade turned to ashes.

 

 

 

Snake looked at the sword. A bronze short sword? He sure must be powerful to kill that shade with this piece of junk.

 

 

 

Noob was hiding behind a guy with full black dragon hide on. He was wielding a dark bow and killing a bunch of shades. Snake was getting tired. He had not slept in days and needed some rest for his fight tomorrow.

 

 

 

Snake walked to the general store. He kicked the lock door open and peered inside. He saw what he was looking for and grabbed it. He then ran outside and grabbed some ink out of his bag. (Snake writes stuff to what little friends he has.) He pored it around the fighters and lit it with the tinderbox he stole from the store.

 

 

 

It burned high and the shades shrieked as they turned to a mist and wisped away into the night sky.

 

 

 

"How did you know?" asked a curious man wearing full steel.

 

 

 

"Experience." replied Snake.

 

 

 

The fire continued to burn in a controlled state, (thanks to a helpful persons magic) and the warriors got to sleep.

 

 

 

The next morning they were awoken early by a crowd of people who wanted autographs. The warriors told them later and dragged there sleepy selves to the castle. Inside, the table was set with a magnificent looking breakfast. The warriors ate like they had not eaten in weeks except for Snake who ate very slowly.

 

 

 

Only one man dared to stare at Snake and that man was Archimage, one of Snakes only friends. He stared and then smiled. Snake was to sleepy to be happy and just nodded his head in recognition. The king, in this elaborate clothes, then walked in and greeted the warriors.

 

 

 

"Today will be a great day for some and a bad day for others. For all you know, it may be the day some of you die. Today will be an exciting day. I hope you are prepared for the fights will be happening well past sundown. We will light bonfires around the castle to ward off the shades. My guard saw you last night. A valiant effort and good teamwork. I will give you better sleeping acommadations tonight. Well then, see you at the fight!"

 

 

 

Snake got up and followed the king on his side. "Sir the shades were in numbers last night. Some suspected you are dealing with them. One of the fighters died because of your challenge. Shouldn't we wait till later, once the preliminaries are over, before we do these challenges?"

 

 

 

"That was just a fun little game. I was not involved in any way. I swear on Saradomin!"

 

 

 

"Well then who could have done it? They never travel in large packs like that!"

 

 

 

"That is true. Usually around four in a pack. The shades must have sensed some of there own die and brought themselves."

 

 

 

"I think its a plot."

 

 

 

"By who?"

 

 

 

"After the fight last time rumors were spreading of a mysterious figure bringing a gravestone with Pker's name and birth on it. It was carved in the shape of Saradomin's holy crest."

 

 

 

"That is something I have pondered about. It is quite wierd don't you think?"

 

 

 

"I think that guy was a necromancer!"

 

 

 

"That is very dumb deduction. Necromancer's have not been around since the third age!"

 

 

 

"But legend speaks..."

 

 

 

"Legends? That is all I want to hear Mr.?"

 

 

 

"Snake."

 

 

 

"Snake carry on."

 

 

 

Snake walked away from the king. He then went to the library. Reldo was researching some type of historical tome.

 

 

 

"Reldo?" Asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Snake old friend! How's it going?"

 

 

 

"Pretty well. Anything you can tell me about report of necromancers in the fourth age and now?"

 

 

 

"There have been reports, but the people who tell them seem to die suddenly. Reports have been scarce these days."

 

 

 

"I think Varrock has a necromancer in it."

 

 

 

"How do you think that?"

 

 

 

Snake explained everything that happened that night.

 

 

 

"Hmm, well i will get to you later. Right now i would be prepping for your fight with Arrowbld."

 

 

 

"He will be easy."

 

 

 

"Pker seemed like a loser but he still spilled some of Aj's blood."

 

 

 

"One more question."

 

 

 

"Yes?"

 

 

 

"Can necromancers predict death?"

 

 

 

"Really powerful ones who are close associates with death can."

 

 

 

Snake walked out. All the evidence pointed toward a necromancer involved. Snake had heard tales of necromancers raising shades and Snake always thought that as true. Snake walked to Varrocks west bank and looked behind it. Gravestones everywhere. He saw arrowbld's. He must win then. He looked around and saw his own gravestone, marked on it the words:

 

"Killed by the last of his kind."

 

 

 

chapter 3: preliminaries day 1: enemy in hiding

 

 

 

Snake was in the foyer of the castle. The doors to the castle were open and sunlight spilled onto the tiles. Snake was looking at the crowds of people who were trying to get a good seat. Some came into the castle to find a seat on top of the castle. There were small children coming to see this brutal and violent game. Some parents should not be parents, thought Snake.

 

 

 

Archimage walked out of the dining room and patted Snake on the back.

 

 

 

"Good luck on your match."

 

 

 

"Like I need it." replied Snake.

 

 

 

Archimage sat on a chair that was in front of a window.

 

 

 

"I heard that you and the king had a fight after breakfast."

 

 

 

"Rumors go around fast don't they?"

 

 

 

"Yeah. Anyway, you think a necromancers involved?"

 

 

 

"Yes. I know a necromancers involved. Go behind the west bank and look at the gravestones. Every fighters names are on one. The guy can predict deaths. Reldo said that means he must be close to the grim reaper if he can predict death."

 

 

 

"I guess so. Anyway i better get my fighting stuff out and prepare for my fight tonight."

 

 

 

"See you later."

 

 

 

Snake watched as Archimage walked upstairs to the fighters training rooms.

 

 

 

 

 

A man in complete black robes with a hood that engulfed his face in shadows walked up to Snakes gravestone. He spread his fingers over it and more writing began to appear beneath the original writing. The man then pulled his hand away in mid-sentence and noticed a man walk up to him.

 

 

 

"Who might you be?" the man asked.

 

 

 

"None of your buisssnessss." replied the hooded guy.

 

 

 

"You are touching my gravestone."

 

 

 

The man stumbled over the gravestone and fell.

 

 

 

"Sssnake pleassss dont kill me."

 

 

 

"Who the hell are you?"

 

 

 

The man removed his hood and showed an old, wrinkled face.

 

 

 

"Carter? I thought you died." exclaimed Snake.

 

 

 

"No, I faked my death."

 

 

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

 

 

"Your father has asssked me to follow you and make sssure your sssafe."

 

 

 

"From what?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"You will find out sssoon enough." Carter than teleported away.

 

 

 

 

 

Snake returned to the castle once again and saw he was just in time to line up on the stairs. Those graves have been creating some nervousness. He of course was not scared but just wondered why someone had marked him for death. The king stood up and just as he did a cry could be heard.

 

 

 

"My king look what we found!"

 

 

 

A man wearing the clothes of a high priest walked up the walls stairs and showed the king a carcass of what looked like the hellhound Snake killed the other night.

 

 

 

The king looked disgusted. He scrunched his nose up and ordered the man to give the body to the Varrock museum for study. Then he stood up more dignified than before and pointed out the next match.

 

 

 

"Snake please enter the arena."

 

 

 

Snake walked in with no armor on and with only a dragon dagger in his hand.

 

 

 

"Arrowbld please enter the arena."

 

 

 

A guy wearing monks robes and a lederhosen hat with a rune scimitar and kite shield in hand entered.

 

 

 

"Let the battle commence!" yelled the king.

 

 

 

Arrow stared as Snake walked up to him slowly. Arrow being walking too and then tried to slice down at Snake's chest. Snake took his dagger and blocked the blow. He then used his full strength to push up and the Rune scimitar was hurled into the air. It landed at the left end of the arena. Arrow used his shield to block Snakes attacks as he ran to his scimitar. When he was close to it Snake jumped over Arrow and kicked the weapon out of the arena. A lucky child grabbed it and ran off.

 

 

 

"You know I am just toying with you?" Snake said with a smirk.

 

 

 

Arrow ran at Snake and pushed the shield into Snakes face. Snake grabbed Arrows hand at the last second and twisted so hard that he cracked a bone. Arrow screamed as Snake grabbed him and threw him to the arena's floor. Snake then stepped on his head so hard it exploded. Blood and brains flew all over the arena and all over the people watching.

 

 

 

Snake grabbed the body and threw it onto the stretcher that two medics brought out. They then went to the graveyard. Snake walked out of the arena and shook hands with some people. The king then stood.

 

 

 

"Not even a scratch Snake?"

 

 

 

Snake shook his head and some people screamed in awe. Snake then sat on the stairs to the castle and listened as the king brought out the next matches contestants.

 

 

 

 

 

At the graveyard the medics saw the gravestones and looked terrified as they saw there own gravestones. They dug a grave for Arrow quickly and scooped the dirt over his body. Suddenly something grabbed the one of the medics legs and pulled him down. The medic screamed as he saw his assailant. It was a giant mass of flesh with one eye missing and blood seeping out of his missing eyes socket. It bent down and began to feed on the helpless medics brains. The other medic ended up dying of shock. There bodies were buried by the zombie and they were never seen again.

 

 

 

Dragonbait was wearing full rune and ash was wearing nothing but his mithril scimitar. Dragonbait was slicing Ash up. Ash was beat to a pulp and dragonbait let him live. That match was apparently bad because everyone was shouting "Boo" and "Kill him wimp". The king then stood and signaled for silence as he asked where his medics went.

 

 

 

Nobody knew. The king thought for a moment about the necromancer but decided to dismiss this thought and instead had the guards bring Ash into the castle for treatment for his deep wounds. The king then announced the next match. This match was quite unfair looking...

 

 

 

chapter 4: Preliminaries day 1: Snake gone mad

 

 

 

Snake looked over at Noob who was half asleep. Suddenly the king yelled "Angelus please step up to the ring." A man in full guthans showed up and entered the ring.

 

 

 

"Army of guthans guys please enter the ring."

 

 

 

An army of people wearing guthans entered the ring. Only 50 could fit so they decided to just put 20 in the ring at once.

 

 

 

"Please fight!" yelled the king.

 

 

 

Nobody knew who was who so it was basically a massacre of the innocents. Nobody outside the ring could distinguish anyone and this pretty much went on for an hour and a half. Soon the king got bored and asked which person was Angelus. Everyone in the ring said "I" and the king told the guards to grab all the bodies and throw them into Varrock sewers. He then told the rest of the guthans guys to fight some more. Eventually one was left and the king crowned him the winner.

 

 

 

The king announced it was lunch time and everyone walked off to their favorite pub for some good food. The fighters went inside the castle and were served more exquisite food. Snake of course ate slowly and eyed all the remaining people.

 

 

 

He then walked off to the library. He saw a guy reading a book and saw that it was Archimage.

 

 

 

"Killing an innocent? That is not like you." Archimage said.

 

 

 

"I just could not stop. I...I think I need some time by myself."

 

 

 

"I have been reading up on hellhounds."

 

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

 

"Because I knew that when you touch the saliva of a hellhound you get a thirst for blood and will eventually go nuts and kill everyone to get blood."

 

 

 

"No way! I could not become someone like that."

 

 

 

"Did you have any second thoughts before killing that man?"

 

 

 

"I kind of did but..." He trailed off as he looked at Archimage.

 

 

 

"You! You want me killed because you know I am going to win the fighting tournament! You are going to tell the king and he is going to kick me out!"

 

 

 

"No...I just feel that it is bad that you have gotten bitten..."

 

 

 

"I will kill you! You are jealous of my power! Burn in hell!"

 

 

 

Royal guards rushed in and pushed Snake down. They held onto his arms and legs. Snake used all his strength to break free of their grasp and got up. He ran at Archimage and Archimage's codex bubble appeared. Snake punched it and when he did he felt a sensation that knocked him cold.

 

 

 

Archimage looked at Snakes limp body. The guards got up and rushed to grab him.

 

 

 

"Take him to the medical ward and i will try to create a serum to his problem. Oh, and if he starts to look like he is morphing into something its probably a hellhound. Tell me if this happens."

 

 

 

The guards looked at Archimage and laughed.

 

 

 

"O.K we will alert you if the scary hellhound awakens from inside the scary murderers body." said one of the guards.

 

 

 

"He is not a murderer!" said Archimage.

 

 

 

"Then what do you call his attack on you?"

 

 

 

"A symptom of hellhound saliva."

 

 

 

"Your a nut!"

 

 

 

"Whatever." Archimages codex bubble appeared and all of a sudden the guards were saying "We will tell you when the transformation begins."

 

 

 

"Good." Archimage walked off and went to the apothecaries house.

 

 

 

 

 

At the sewers, four guards were heaving bodies into the sewer. They took the armor and threw the bodies down, thinking they could make a huge profit off of the armor. Once all the bodies were down the guards looked at there rather heavy cart of guthans armor and started jumping and laughing. One of the guards tripped and fell into the sewer. He fell on the bodies and said "I'm all right", when all of a sudden he started screaming.

 

A terrible tearing sound was heard and the guards screamed as some of the bodies jumped out of the sewers and said "We wants ours armor backs." The guards ran and all of a sudden ran into a set of 3 more of the zombies. All three of them screamed as the zombies tore them to shreds.

 

 

 

 

 

The scream was heard by Archimage as he was walking to the Apothecaries. He ran to where it was coming from and saw the guards get eaten. Archimage watched as the zombies dragged the bodies and dumped them into the sewer and grabbed a cart full of guthans armor. They dumped all the armor into the sewer and then hopped into it themselves.

 

 

 

Archimage decided he would go in there later and check everything out but right now he needed to worry about Snake. Meanwhile a match between grumpy mod and mutant autoer was on. Mutant Autoer was trying to escape to the yew tree behind the castle but could not as Grumpy mod killed him with a kick to the back of the head. As people screamed and cheered at the fight Archimage was looking at the ingredients the Apothecary had. He would need the blood of a pheonix to get everything he needed. The apothecary sold this at five hundred thousand a pop. Archimage bought it and cursed Snake under his breath.

 

 

 

"You better pay me back." he said and went back to the castle.

 

 

 

 

 

Snake had transformed and the guards were sleeping. Snake the hellhound walked out of the castle and into the foyer where he ate the two guards at the doors heads off. He then jumped down the stairs and into the courtyard where he ate a few of the fighters heads. The king screamed and Snake the hellhound saw him and ran to the wall. He then jumped up the stairs and sliced the guards and the heroes guild members just jumped to safety. The king tried to jump. Snake the Hellhound jumped at him. Archimage saw the king fall and put a levitation spell on him.

 

 

 

Snake the Hellhound then dropped onto his paws and ran at Archimage. Archimage levitated Snake the hellhound as he jumped at him. Archimage then opened the vial with the cure and dumped it into Snake the Hellhounds open mouth. Snake the hellhound turned back into Snake and Archimage watched as Snake said "Could you put me down."

 

 

 

Suddenly guards walked up to Snake.

 

 

 

"Guards, kill him!" yelled the king.

 

 

 

Archimage told them to stop. They stopped.

 

 

 

Archimage put the king on the ground as he was still levitating and the king stared at Archimage. Archimage explained everything and the king and crowd and guards laughed. Some were not laughing though and Archimage gave respect to those that did not laugh.

 

 

 

Snake got up and rubbed his head. He looked around at everyone staring at him.

 

 

 

"What did I do?"

 

 

 

Archimages codex bubble convinced everyone the story was true and Snake was not hanged and the King and his men got back together at the top of the wall and started the next fight. The heroes guild people did not show up till the next day. So the fights went on and they became more and more gruesome.

 

 

 

Chapter 5: The end of the preliminaries (really long chapter)

 

 

 

Snake and Archimage watched the next match from the stairs. Cronic Lier scared the forth god to death when he said that if he kills him he will reincarnate into Zezima and take revenge on him. The match went to cronic lier.

 

 

 

Bluejay was dueling archimages aquan and killed them with his giant bluebird . The bluebird grabbed them and threw them into the air and and watched as they splattered on the cement. Bluejay won.

 

 

 

Next is one of the matches the fans were looking forward to. Spider Cow vs. The Generic Innkeeper. The innkeeper paced around the cow and then walked in front of it.

 

 

 

"You want a beer?" he asked. He waved a beer mug in front of the cows face.

 

 

 

The cow mooed and nudged at the innkeeper throwing him to the other side of the arena.

 

 

 

"You will pay for my checkup to repair my broken ribs." Said the innkeeper.

 

 

 

The innkeeper than ran at the cow and smashed the beer mug onto the cows face. Pieces of the glass broke and protruded from the cows flesh. The eyes of the cow were poked out and the cow opened it mouth as it fell to the ground, dead. The eyes rolled out of its mouth and blood streamed a path until the eyes came to a complete stop. The innkeeper the said,"He will pay in hell for this broken mug!"

 

 

 

Next match was the cult of the vegies against Archimages bother. Archimages bother was killed by the sharpened carrots of the cult of the orange vegies.

 

 

 

The next match was the master against Xarosen. The master began with a punch to the stomach and an upper cut that smashed Xarosen's nose in. He took out his dragon scimitar and sliced the masters hand open. She screamed as the wound bled all over the arena. Little children cried at the bloody site of it. The master pinched some of the skin over her wound and stitched it together with iron knives. She then pulled out her dragon scimitar and Xarosen met her sword in a fierce blow that knocked both of them off there feet. The master got up the soonest and lunged at Xarosen. He blocked but the master then took out her dragon dagger. It was poisoned. She lunged it into Xarosen's arm and pulled, creating a huge wound, much like the one she had, that had poison in it. She then threw him out of the arena to end the match.

 

 

 

Xarosen was taken for medical treatment while the master walked off to the city.

 

 

 

The next match was Zhunger against plunger and Plunger one by stuffing a plunger down Zhunger's throat.

 

 

 

It was then dinner time. Everyone left while the fighters got a meal that seemed to have nothing but meat involved. Snake ate faster this time and walked off to Reldo to see what he found on necromancers.

 

 

 

Reldo was looking for a book when Snake walked in.

 

 

 

"Found anything?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Nothing at all, I could of sworn i had a book on necromancers and the cards say no one checked it out!"

 

 

 

"Well, maybe our evil friend took it in the middle of the night."

 

 

 

"Could be."

 

 

 

"Well, i guess I will leave you alone then."

 

 

 

"See you later."

 

 

 

"Yup."

 

 

 

Snake went out to the parlor and saw Archimage just sitting there.

 

 

 

"Whats up?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"I am thinking how I am going to win my match tonight."

 

 

 

"Throw noob out of the arena and sit there letting your codex bubble hurt powerent."

 

 

 

"No. Has to be an even easier way. I will figure it out."

 

 

 

Soon, everyone was hurdled outside for the fight Da Mage against yap yap. yap yap lost.

 

 

 

Next was the first three way match. I wont go into detail because this match sucked. Another God won somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: I am not going into detail about the fights because, i really dont care. As we get to the better matches I will go through each one. But for now i want to get the story moving.

 

 

 

 

 

The final match of the night. It was getting dark and bonfires were lit around the castle to ward off shades. Torches were lit around the arena and the King stood to announce the final preliminary match.

 

 

 

"We have had some fine fights. But this is the one you have all waited for. Noob please step up."

 

 

 

Noob got into the arena and screamed "WOOOOOOOOO" no one responded.

 

 

 

"Powerent, please make your presence known in the arena!" Powerent walked in and nodded his head in recognition of Noob.

 

 

 

"And finally Archimage!" Archimage walked into the arena and took off his robe.

 

 

 

"Good luck to you all. May the best man win!"

 

 

 

The fight began and both Powerent and Archimage ran up to Noob. They grabbed him and threw him out of the ring. Then, Archimage paced around Powerent.

 

 

 

"I am gonna hurt you bad." Powerent said.

 

 

 

"I dare you to try." Archimage responded.

 

 

 

Just as Powerent was about to pull a punch at Archimage, the lights went out. Complete darkness. People screamed. Suddenly, a figure could be seen in the castles gates. A hooded figure. A snake was gagging him it seemed. But he did not make a single noise as he walked through the crowd and jumped over the arena. Snake stood up and Suddenly, all the lights came back on.

 

 

 

The man then grabbed Snakes face and threw him into one of the pillars that hold up the castle. The lights shut back off and a shade could be seen behind the king. A glint of a long, silver knife could be seen in the shades hand. Suddenly a scream. More shades. The king was sitting there. Snake looked as closely as he could, using the moonlight as his light, and saw that the kings neck was bleeding. The shade slit the kings throat.

 

 

 

Snake got up before the hooded figure with the snake could hit him again. The shades were killing all the civilians in there way. Archimage saw one in the arena and used a fire magic spell to put it on flames. The dim fire did not disturb the other shades as they killed mercilessly. The kings body was thrown over the wall. Guards were being slaughtered. Snake watched as more and more people died. Archimage, Powerent, and Snake tried to get out together. Noob was dead. Archimage put up a burning shield so that Snake and Powerent were able to escape with him.

 

 

 

Outside the castle the same scene. Merciless killing. Snake was getting fed up. Suddenly, Snake was transforming.

 

 

 

"What the hell?" asked Archimage.

 

 

 

Snake was now a hellhound. Snake the hell hound jumped on the back of one of the shades and bit him. The shade went crazy, trying to get the hellhound off him. Archimage saw what Snake the hellhound was doing and attacked with a fire spell. Snake the hellhound jumped off the shade as it burst into flames.

 

 

 

"What happened to Snake?" asked Powerent.

 

 

 

"It seems that whenever he gets really mad he now transforms into hellhound."

 

 

 

"Ohh that is frickin' awesome."

 

 

 

Snakie the hellhound opened up shades to attack. Eventually, the shades retreated. The hooded figure with the snake appeared. "That is enough destruction for now. I will return and kill you and the rest of the fighters."

 

 

 

On a return trip to the castle, Snake transformed back to himself and saw all the returning fighters still alive and inspecting the bodies. The queen ran out from her bedroom and looked at her husbands dead body. Reldo ran out.

 

 

 

"SNAKE!" he said loudly.

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"The sign of a necromancer with a snake around his neck is a sign of armageddon!"

 

 

 

CHAPTER 6: THE DAWN BEFORE WAR

 

 

 

Snake and Archimage awoke in the white knights castle. Powerent ran off to his family. Archimage looked out the window in the room. The white knights were preparing for war in the courtyard. Last night, at around two in the morning, a message was intercepted. Snake had it on a dresser next to his bed. It read:

 

 

 

The zombies will meet in the fields of the werewolves.

 

We expect you and your mages to come and help as as we prepare an unstoppable army. They will defeat all in their way and the white knights will be killed if they interfere.

 

 

 

Snake had smelt blood on it. The writing was written with the blood of the king of Varrock. It was stated clearly when you looked at the letter closely. Snake put a black shirt on and grabbed his swords scabbard. He put into a loop in his belt and Archimage and Snake went to the dining table. The squire sat there. His chin was resting upon his hand.

 

 

 

"There my friends are." He stood up and opened his arms.

 

 

 

"Yup we are here. What is the plan?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Tactically we don't have enough knowledge of morytania to figure out an advantage."

 

 

 

"Me and Snake have knowledge." Archimage said.

 

 

 

"Fine. Then give me a walkthrough of the area."

 

 

 

"It starts as a field crawling with graves and zombies."

 

 

 

"That will be a slight advantage for them, don't you think?"

 

 

 

"Yes, but the zombies can not enter the southern swamps. Some dangerous creatures lay in wait for travelers there but we could make it to Canfis if we band together and run."

 

 

 

"Canfis?"

 

 

 

"The city of the werewolves. We are on friendly terms with the werewolves and they don't take people trying to take over there city lightly."

 

 

 

"This city sounds like an advantage."

 

 

 

"We could place camps in the werewolves city. They have a small village, but like to call it a city."

 

 

 

"What of the north?"

 

 

 

"The slayer castle is a nice tactical advantage. If your men can get past abyssal demons they could use the castles wall as a sniper point and the cannons if we can get the cannon balls."

 

 

 

"Yes...and what else is to the north?"

 

 

 

"The ocean. We could try to see if the varrock people would lend their ships to us."

 

 

 

"They would be glad if they heard our cause."

 

 

 

"Good. Going further to the west is a small farm of undead cows and chickens and the ghost farmer and his wife."

 

 

 

"Can you tell me what good a ghosts farm is?"

 

 

 

"It could be used as a base for the lookouts."

 

 

 

"I guess."

 

 

 

"And more to the west is the ghost city. I will speak there ghostly tongue and we could use their city as a base if we need."

 

 

 

"We have some good advantages..."

 

 

 

"But a necromancer controls the dead and we could have the best plan but still head into a trap."

 

 

 

"So what do we do?"

 

 

 

"Band your men into groups. Me and Archimage will be the leaders of the best men." Snake finally put something into the conversation and that made the squire happy. The squire knew of Snakes power.

 

 

 

"If you were a frontal attack force that would work. I think Archimage though, with his superior magic skills should be a sniper."

 

 

 

"I will accept this job."

 

 

 

"Good. I will lead the ships to the ghost city..."

 

 

 

"And you can make the army retreat back into us and we will completly have them covered on either sides." said Snake.

 

 

 

"Good idea. We will tell the tactics to the men and we will hopefully be ready to go into morytania by sundown."

 

 

 

"What about my men?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"And mine?" butted in Archimage.

 

 

 

"I will tell them where to meet you and you can prepare them for the fight of their lives."

 

 

 

 

 

The necromancer immersed from the shadows where he looked into his crystal ball.

 

 

 

"The white knights will be in morytania tonight. I will be there. You and your men on the other hand will invade Falador. Take some zombies. I will have enough in Morytania ."

 

 

 

"Yesssss my lord." replied a shade.

 

 

 

"You!" the necromancer walked into the next room over and saw a lady, chained to a pole, struggling to free herself.

 

 

 

"Necromancer! I will have you killed when i escape!"

 

 

 

"My royal highness, the royal family shall all die. You saw your husbands body, did you not?"

 

 

 

The queen struggled with the chains, trying to hit the necromancer.

 

 

 

"I had my shade kill him slowly. He slit it so slow, covering the kings mouth so no one could hear his screams."

 

 

 

The queen tried at the necromancer again.

 

 

 

"Here is the shade who killed your husband."

 

 

 

The shade walked in and a sound like a laugh could be heard. She writhed against the pole as the shade stared her in the eye, his glowing yellow eyes making her blind. She looked away.

 

 

 

"And here to kill you, in the slowest way he can, is the zombie form of your husband."

 

 

 

The king walked out. His head was held in place only by stitches and he had a pointed rock in his hand. The necromancer watched, and savored the screams as the queens skin was slowly peeled off.

 

 

 

 

 

Varrock's newspaper was having a field day with the death of the king and his bodies mysterious disappearance, as well as the queen disappearing. Reconstruction on the city was beginning and the temporary ruler, the kings advisor and librarian, Reldo, was declaring that the fights would continue after the threat was gone. The arena was placed away in a storage house.

 

 

 

Blood was everywhere and dead bodies littered the ground. People lost their families and many lost their homes. There seemed to be no hope until a letter arrived from Falador, declaring that they were going to wage war against the zombies...

 

 

 

CHAPTER 7:THE WAR BEGINS

 

 

 

Varrock was in ruin. People were holding their dead children in their hands and Archimage gave silent prayers for them. Snake thought that the way the shades attacked was completely stupid. They killed more people than should have been killed. The shades would pay.

 

 

 

Reldo took Snake and Archimage into his castle for a discussion over lunch.

 

 

 

"I have heard the plan. How are you going to pull it off?" Reldo asked.

 

 

 

"Uhhh...I wonder. Reldo we are going to run into the fray and start [bleep] slapping them until they give. Give me a break we are gonna fight our way to the necromancer and kill him." Snake said.

 

 

 

"And you are going to surround them."

 

 

 

"Yeah. Not from the south though because as I have told you before, that swamp is full of nasty stuff."

 

 

 

"I got you. Oh, there is our lunch."

 

 

 

An exquisite soup and bread was served. Snake took a sip and thought it tasted half way decent.

 

 

 

"Anyway we have the ships docked over in the river Salve. That should take the men to the ocean."

 

 

 

"It will. Thanks for the lunch but we better get over to Morytania before the enemies get to strong."

 

 

 

"What are you talking about? You two have not even finished your soup!"

 

 

 

"It's a full moon tonight. We have to get to the ghost town because we sure as hell are not going to set up camp in the werewolve town."

 

 

 

"Oh. Be careful you two."

 

 

 

"Don't worry about us. You better worry about yourself. I know there is going to be a murder attempt on you sometime."

 

 

 

"How would you know?"

 

 

 

"Would you doubt me after everything that has happened?"

 

 

 

Snake and Archimage left and got to the river Salve within an hour where the white knights were working on there fighting. Across the river, zombies could be seen roaming around. Snake caught the eye of one but the zombie looked the other way.

 

 

 

"It is time men. Prepare yourselves!" Snake took out his sword. It was some type of odd dragon sword with a snake engraved on it. The snake looked like he was slithering around the sword. Snake started to hurdle people onto the ships and saw Sir Amik Varze.

 

 

 

"Good luck sir." Said Snake.

 

 

 

"I hopefully won't be needing it." Snake and Amik shook hands and Snake then cut the ropes to the ships and watched them depart. Archimage was leading his men to the slayer castle. Snake and his men got over the bridge and stopped as zombies turned to attack them. Everyone drew their swords and Snake stopped them. They sat their and when the zombies came close and started attacking the soldiers, they were brutally mauled by the first row of Snakes soldiers and did not escape to the second row of soldiers.

 

 

 

Snake then told his men to kill. They all attacked the zombies and the zombies then receded. A giant monster with five eyes and so much flesh, some was dragging on the ground appeared form the swamps and took out a giant ax. It swiped at Snake Snake dodged and cut its left knee. It screamed and blood leaked from its knee. It then tried to chop Snake in half. Snake backstepped and cut off its arm. A volley of arrows then came from the sky. They stabbed the creatures back and the creature slumped to its knees and died.

 

 

 

Snake looked awound and saw no enemies. He and his men walked to Canfis. In Canfis, the necromancer sat on one of the buildings and all the werewolve people were in their werewolve form. It was three in the afternoon but dark in the land of Zamorrack.

 

 

 

"Snake, I have been expecting you..."

 

 

 

 

 

In Falador, the shades were killing all the guards. People screamed and wondered why the shades were there in broad daylight. The shades destroyed buildings and began to burn the white knights castle when eagles appeared in the sky.

 

 

 

"The eagles are coming!" Yelled a short person with big feet.

 

 

 

"Whats your name, I have never seen you before."

 

 

 

""My name is Bimbo Blaggins."

 

 

 

"Were you in some story or something?"

 

 

 

"Maybe."

 

 

 

A shade stuffed the short person into a barrel and threw him down a river.

 

 

 

"The White Knights castle was burned down and the shades used the civilians left as slaves to recreate the castle into the ultimate castle of darkness.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 8:FALADOR TAKEN

 

 

 

Falador was destroyed. The castle was crumbled and in its place was a black castle with the many Zamorakian mages lined up in the front. Why was not known to the slaves who were chained to various things in order for them to rebuild the city into the ultimate city of Zamorack. One teenage kid, about 16 years old, was hiding in the dwarven mines. The dwarfs were preparing a rebellion against the Zamoracks. But as the dwarves marched to the stairs that led into Falador, the army of Zamorack put dynamite in the wall. The ceiling of the cave collapsed and the dwarves were not able to enter Falador.

 

 

 

 

 

"Snake, you have been an enemy of the zamorackians long enough. You would think, that since Zamorack is your father..." The necromancers large yellow eyes peered down at Snake.

 

 

 

"I don't care who the hell my father is! I hate him. He treated me like crap for all those years and when I was exiled from the hellish pits of his land, I was happy and able to start a new life. It was the best feeling ever. I soon became so strong, I could not control myself from killing. But Guthix implanted this jewel in me that will unleash the ultimate demon on Runescape, the demon version of me."

 

 

 

"Well, I will break that jewel then and control you. I control all darkness."

 

 

 

"You break the jewel, you know that you have unleashed the destruction of Runescape. You and everyone on runescape will die and my father will have won."

 

 

 

"How so?"

 

 

 

"My father knew that the jewel will someday break, and when it does, It will transform me. When I kill, the person I kill does not go for judgment in the heavens but is automatically transported to hell."

 

 

 

"Well, I am one of your fathers loyal servants..."

 

 

 

"Do you think he cares? Once you die he will make you a slave like everyone else."

 

 

 

"I am sick of your lies. He would never do that, werewolves, attack!"

 

 

 

Snake took out his sword and cut the legs out from under one of the werewolves. He slaughtered all of them. But, once he killed them all, he saw that he had just killed innocent people who were taken over by the necromancer.

 

 

 

"Look at your pitiful army, I can't believe it got this far without being killed by my zombies. The Falador knights are a very small..."

 

 

 

"Really necromancer?" A spear was thrown in the air and it was stuck in what appeared to be the necromancers shoulder blade.

 

 

 

"Damn, I will kill you for that!" The necromancer pulled the spear out of his shoulder and hurled it at sir Amik Varzes army. It sailed through throwing most of the army in the air. It hit a tree and the tree shattered into splinters. Sir Varze was the last of his army.

 

 

 

Snake jumped onto the roof that the necromancer sat on at lunged at him. The necromancer parried with a bronze dagger. Snake was then frozen as the necromancer said "Wait while I talk, don't let your life be wasted before you hear what happened to Falador and that you wasted your life for nothing."

 

 

 

"What have you done to my city?" asked Varze.

 

 

 

"Only taken it over and made it become the ultimate city of Zamorack. His coffin is even on display and I believe that you Snake, will be the sacrifice to bring him back to life."

 

 

 

"I will not be a sacrifice!"

 

 

 

"Too bad, your stuck are you not? How are you going to escape frozen like that?"

 

 

 

"Like this." Snake appeared in front of the necromancer.

 

 

 

"How the hell?"

 

 

 

"I am Zamoracks son."

 

 

 

Snake lunged again and the necromancer back flipped to his feet. Snake saw magic balls flying and they hit the necromancers back. The necromancers robes burned and his true form was shown.

 

 

 

Amik Varze puked.

 

 

 

Snake held it back and looked into the necromancers yellow eyes. He had four hands, each shriveled and the finger tips were pointed. He had two feet but they were the feet of a spider. He had the most pulled back face ever. He was revolting to look at.

 

 

 

"You have seen my real form. Well this is the last thing you will see Snake!"

 

 

 

Suddenly, the necromancer lunged and plunged his dagger through Snakes armor. Snake screamed as he hit the jewel. The jewel began to spew fire. Snake watched as the necromancer laughed and teleported away. Snake felt a weird sensation and fell off the roof of the house.

 

 

 

Archimage teleported to where Snake was writhing and turned Snake over. Snake screamed. Archimage took out the necessary runes and then ripped Snakes shirt open more, more fire spewed out of the jewel. A diamond. Archimage looked at the diamond ring on his finger, the last remnant of his previous life. He set it down and chanted words. The runes all disappeared and the diamond from Archimages ring flew into the cracked part of Snakes demon Jewel. Archimage stood up and saw that he had sucessfully did the most advanced magic spell ever, the demon seal.

 

 

 

Snake was completely knocked out and Archimage used a huge spell to teleport all the remaining white knights and the white knight corpses to Camelot.

 

 

 

 

 

The funeral procession was long. Fifty white knights had died in a battle that was a diversion. Varrock was destroyed. Falador was taken over. Snake was almost dead. Archimage bowed his head in prayer as the coffins of the heroic White Knights passed by him. Once the procession was over, he took a short walk to Camelot castle and met with King Arthur, who was looking at Snake. Snake was on the round table. Blood was oozing out around the jewel. Snake seemed to be dead.

 

 

 

 

 

In the new Zamorack castle, the necromancer stared at the coffin of Zamorack.

 

 

 

"Soon my god. Soon."

 

 

 

CHAPTER 9:DEATH AND REBIRTH

 

 

 

Snake was in a bed in Camelot castle. He was writhing in pain as blood gradually seeped out around his demon jewel. Archimage was sitting next to him, watching him become whiter and whiter. It seemed Snake was dead. That night, he died. A marble coffin was made and his body was placed in it. The jewel was disintegrating, due to the demon having no life force to suck on.

 

 

 

The funeral was long. Reldo, Powerent, Archimage, and most of the surviving fighters in the tournament were there. Archimage stepped up and threw a bunch of roses onto his grave. It seemed that there was now no hope to defeating the necromancer.

 

 

 

 

 

Snake looked around the dimly lit pit he was in. Two other people were in it mining coal. Snake walked up to one, only to see that the person was Noob.

 

 

 

"Oh my god! Snake, nice to see you!" Noob tried to hug Snake but Snake shook him off.

 

 

 

"Where in hell am I?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"A coal pit."

 

 

 

"Where?"

 

 

 

"I thought you knew from the way you asked that question!"

 

 

 

"Oh crap..."

 

 

 

Snake looked up and saw the sky was made of stalagmites and saw that there was lava flowing on the ceiling. None of it fell.

 

 

 

"Is there any way out of this pit?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Yeah, through that door guarded by the hellhounds."

 

 

 

Snake looked at the hellhounds and laughed. He then morphed into a hellhound.

 

 

 

"Oh my god, when did you learn to become a scary doggy?" asked Noob stupified.

 

 

 

Snake the hound used his claws to slit the two hellhounds throats and motioned for noob to follow him. The other guy tried to follow but the door closed on him.

 

 

 

Snake morphed back.

 

 

 

"That was awesome!" Yelled Noob.

 

 

 

"You are telling me! I got a lot of power in that form."

 

 

 

Snake looked up and saw Zamoracks castle, where terrible memories of childhood over took him. He remembered the beatings and the harshness. His father was a major [wagon].

 

 

 

Snake and Noob walked up the stairs to the red castle. Then, Snake opened the double doors. Slaves screamed as Snake picked up a DNA encoded sword.

 

 

 

"Zamoracks my father."

 

 

 

Slaves scattered and Snake kicked open the throne room door. He slaughtered the two demon guards and ran at the throne. Zamorack jumped over the throne and sheathed his sword. He attacked at Snake and Snake parried. It was a vicious battle. Noob sat down on the throne and watched. Suddenly, Zamorack lost the crown on his head and instead, it was on Noob.

 

 

 

"Nooo!" yelled Zamorack.

 

 

 

"Hay, cool crown, maybe people will think I'm a player mod!" Noob said.

 

 

 

Snake plunged his sword into Zamoracks stomach.

 

 

 

Zamorach coughed up blood. He was a human. Noob suddenly was wearing a red robe.

 

 

 

"Noob sat on the throne, that makes him a god and the king of hell." said Snake.

 

 

 

Zamorack passed out and he came back, this time in rags.

 

 

 

"How could an imbecile such as yourself take over hell?"

 

 

 

"I sat on the throne. Cool huh? I am now in control of the darkest place anywhere. But I want it to be a little more colorful."

 

 

 

Snake laughed. He had not felt this good since his father had sent him to runescape all those years ago.

 

 

 

"Hay noob?"

 

 

 

"Yeah buddy, you wanna be my advisor?"

 

 

 

"Hell no, I would be to any other king but you, hell no."

 

 

 

"Your loss. Anyways whats up?"

 

 

 

"Make my father work in the coal mines?"

 

 

 

"They wont be coal mines for long!"

 

 

 

"What will they be?"

 

 

 

"Gladiator pits!"

 

 

 

"Cool. I have to watch my father fight like that. And with no god powers!"

 

 

 

Suddenly, Snake felt a lurch and started seeing his legs disappear, then his torso.

 

 

 

"Whats going on Snake?"

 

 

 

"I don't know..."

 

 

 

 

 

The necromancer watched as Snake rose from the dead. He cackled as Snake fell to the ground and hit his head.

 

 

 

"My clumsy slave..."

 

 

 

"What? I'm a slave?"

 

 

 

"Yeah."

 

 

 

"Too bad." Snake punched him in the face and his hood fell back.

 

 

 

"Oh lord, I do not want to see your face anymore!"

 

 

 

Snake was punched by the necromancer and knocked out.

 

 

 

 

 

Archimage watched the necromancer. When Snake was knocked out, the necromancer teleported. Falador, thought Archimage, He is going to resurrect Zamorack.

 

 

 

 

 

Snake awoke in a castle decorated red and looked up to see a knife hanging over him.

 

 

 

"My lord, that is the wrong sacrifice! Here is the sacrifice." A shade was holding Archimages limp body.

 

 

 

"Bring him here."

 

 

 

He was put on a table and the necromancer yelled a spell and then plunged the knife into Archimages stomach.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 10: A NECROMANCER'S DOWNFALL

 

 

 

Snake watched as Archimage woke up and turned around to look at Snake. Arhimages once brilliantly white teeth were covered in blood. Archimage smiled at Snake and died. Snake yelled. He suddenly broke the shackles that held him onto the table he was lying on.

 

 

 

Snake had no weapons on him. He just ran out of sheer anger at the necromancer. They both flew over Archimages limp body and onto the floor. Snake continues to beat on the necromancer, only to see that in the necromancers place, there was now a shade. The shade pulled a knife out of his cloak and sliced at Snake. Snake barely dodged it and it sliced some skin from the top of his shoulder.

 

 

 

Suddenly, Noob appeared. He saw Snake fighting with the shade and with a fling of his hand, the shade was gone.

 

 

 

"Man it rocks to be a god!" he said.

 

 

 

The necromancer ran into the room and pulled off his hood. Noob screamed.

 

 

 

"Oh my...well I am a god so...Oh my me!"

 

 

 

Noob puked all over the red carpet.

 

 

 

"My lord, you do not look right. The prophecy shows you with a beard..."

 

 

 

"I will change your face before I talk to you." Noob waved his hand and the necromancer's face was a handsome guys face.

 

 

 

"Now then what have you to ask of me?" asked the necromancer.

 

 

 

"Hay, necromancer!" The necromancer looked at Snake.

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"Archimage was not the sacrifice."

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"He fooled you..."

 

 

 

"How?"

 

 

 

"While I was being dragged away, Archimage mind contacted me. It is one of his specialties, and I told him everything."

 

 

 

"Then who is this imbecile?"

 

 

 

"Me." Archimage morphed from Noob to himself.

 

 

 

"Nice acting, and nice magic." Snake said.

 

 

 

"Thanks. Anyway, I made a clone of myself using magic, made the shade disappear using a teleport spell..."

 

 

 

"Where is he now?" asked the necromancer.

 

 

 

"Somewhere in the wild getting killed. And I made your face change using magic to."

 

 

 

"I will kill you for fooling me!" Archimage watched the necromancer run at him. He then side stepped out of the way. Suddenly, there was a flash and the real noob appeared.

 

 

 

"You want to kill Snake and Archimage?"

 

 

 

"Yes."

 

 

 

"Snake..." Noob threw the sword of Zamorack to Snake, the god sword some called it. Snake then ran at the necromancer and toucked him gently with the tip of the sword. What would have been an indentation to the skin started swelling up. His whole body swelled up and the necromancer exploded. Blood was everywhere.

 

 

 

"Noob?" Asked Snake.

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

"Have fun with him when he becomes a gladiator for you."

 

 

 

"O.K."

 

 

 

Noob disappeared and Snakes new sword suddenly became smaller and smaller. It then disappeared.

 

 

 

All the shades in Falador disappeared. All the slaves were freed and reconstruction began. Snake only had one question to ask after the battle.

 

 

 

"Why were the shades out during the day?"

 

 

 

The answer would not be know until the uprising of Zamorack, which was only two weeks away.

 

 

 

 

 

Noob sat on his gold chair and watched the armor plated necromancer fight a demon. He laughed. It was funny to watch. Noob was now the king of hell and had powers beyond no others. But suddenly, as he was watching the fight, he was whisked away to a cloud where Guthix and Saradomin were sitting and watching a crystal ball.

 

 

 

"You, Noob, must prepare..." said Guthix.

 

 

 

 

 

Snake was sleeping in the varrock inn when he heard a shrill scream. A scream that he had heard years ago, when he was almost killed by his father. He went outside and saw that Susan Ganda was being beat up by thieves.When she saw him a tear of joy fell from her eye. My boyfriend, she thought.

 

 

 

 

 

Archimage was heading back to the lost library. When he got there, an old man greeted him and suddenly plunged his hand into Archimages stomach.

 

 

 

"You are old enough now for the test. You took a test a long time ago, as a 20 year old, but the time has come to see if you are truly powerful and wise enough to be a keeper of the books." The voice came from his mind.

 

 

 

"What was the test when I was a child?"

 

 

 

"A test we give to people before they enter and become apprentices, a novice test."

 

 

 

"THAT WAS A NOVICE TEST?" Archimage was stunned. The last test he took was the scariest thing ever.

 

 

 

"Yes, now then we will jump you to the master test, lets delve into your past first and remember the HAPPY days you had before you entered the library." He put a sarcastic tone to the word happy.

 

 

 

"No...I do not want to remember. NO!"

 

 

 

CHAPTER 11:ARCHIMAGES PAST PART 1

 

 

 

Blake woke from his sleep. He was seven years old. He was having nightmares about his mother, about his dad. He got out of his bedroll and opened the flap to his leather tent. He exited. Blake was in the thieves training grounds. Blake was a thief. He was also a mage. Thieves hated anyone who used magic, but not Blake. He was somewhat loved by some people in the camp.

 

 

 

Blake's father was a notorious thief. A leader of a cult who thought that museums were hogging all the valuables in the land. His father became the biggest thief in Runescape. When he was caught and hung, the thieves of the land were in an uproar. The war of thieves began.

 

 

 

Blake was born right after the war was declared. He was born to the king of Varrock's daughter. When the king asked who the father was when the baby was born,his daughter proudly declared:

 

 

 

"The best thief in the land, George Karrel."

 

 

 

The daughter was hung. The king could not tolerate his only daughter losing her virginity to a thief. It was not right. Anyway, the law stated that any association with thieves was forbidden.

 

 

 

Blake was hiding in his mothers house when he was found by thieves, raiding the house for all of George's things. They took him as one of their own. He lived in the thieves camp ever since.

 

 

 

Blake was somehow adept at doing magic. He learned how good he was at magic in Varrock. He met a magician on the street, passing by him. The magician stopped specifically to tell him he had a weird sort of aura around him.The magician then said to practice magic for someday he would be a fine mage someday.

 

 

 

Thats when Blake started learning magic. He loved it. The thieves resented it though.

 

 

 

Blake saw the leader of their camp sitting in front of a bonfire.

 

 

 

"Blake?" The leader turned from his battered book and gave a cold glance to Blake.

 

 

 

"Yes sir. It is I."

 

 

 

"You know, I really don't see the point of you being in this camp. You are a terrible thief."

 

 

 

"I will get better as I master magic. I will be the first magician thief."

 

 

 

"That is funny, do you think you will be as good as your father?"

 

 

 

"I'll be better."

 

 

 

"You are the most pathetic excuse for a thieve ever!"

 

 

 

The leader took a knife out from inside his brown cloak.

 

 

 

"The only reason we keep you is because your father said in his will to keep you with the thieves. Then you meet that magician and you get in your mind that you will be a great thief because of your magic skills. We don't need you! Screw your father!"

 

 

 

The leader lunged at Blake. Blake side stepped and kicked him in the stomach. The leader screamed as he lost his balance and fell into the bonfire. He writhed in pain as his screams echoed through the camp. His flesh burned to the bone. The last thing he did was flick Blake off. The whole camp had heard the scream and surrounded the fire.

 

 

 

They stared at their leaders burning body, and Blake, who was wide eyed and thought he was dead.

 

 

 

"You killed the leader at seven?"

 

 

 

"Your father killed the leader at age thirteen! You are now the camps new leader!"

 

 

 

"Such a kill! And so young."

 

 

 

"You don't get it! I did not kill him intentionally! it is a misunderstanding!! I tried to protect myself and..." Blake was cut off.

 

 

 

"Our new leader!"

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Blake was sixteen. He was still leader. And it was time to take the test of manhood. Blake had been doing small tasks such as stealing from rich peoples purses. Now though, the biggest test was about to begin for Blake.

 

 

 

He stood before the thief elders. Four people who were as old as dirt, but as sly as a fox.

 

 

 

"Your task leader, is to steal the shield of the hero Arrav from the Varrock museum."

 

 

 

Blake bowed his head low."I accept this task."

 

 

 

The elders dismissed and went their separate ways. The elder known as Crulis walked up to Blake and whspered:

 

 

 

"Its a suicide mission. Get caught and your screwed."

 

 

 

"I wont get caught."

 

 

 

"Might see you again." The old man walked off.

 

 

 

Blake changed from his thief clothes to his civilian clothes. He then went to Varrock and took the side street to the museum. He got a map from the information desk and went upstairs to the history section of the museum. The shield glinted from the afternoon sunlight, coming through the window. He marked on his map where it was and all the windows were. The possible spots that security orbs would be placed was also marked on his map. magic security orbs activated at night and taped what was going on. All security personel would be upstairs watching through magic balls. In the palace, guards would also be watching them.

 

 

 

Blake left the museum and went back to the thief camp. It was time to figure out some possible ways to steal the shield.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Darkness engulfed the land fast. Blake was hiding in the weapons shop.The weapon shop owner told Blake he was shutting down for the night. Blake left, and entered a dark alley. He changed into his dark colored thief clothes and walked to the southern wall of the museum.On the third floor, a window was open. Good.

 

 

 

Blake took a grappling hook and threw it through the window. He scaled the attached rope and crouched on the window sill. Blake jumped down and saw that the guards noticed him. One charged at him. Blake ducked and flung the guard out of the window. A nasty splat was heard. Four down.

 

 

 

Two more guards ran at Blake. Blake used a fire spell and they burned like a pyre. The last two tried to run away. An air spell sent them into the wall with a bone shattering crash. The guards slumped to the floor.

 

 

 

Blake took the stairs two at a time, until he cam to the second floor. The shield was still in the same glass case. Two security orbs were on this floor. Blake uttered a spell and twin bolts of lightning struck the orbs, blowing them up. The coast was clear.

 

 

 

Blake ran to the glass case and searched it for traps. Blake saw poison spouts. These would be simple to deactivate. Blake took a sharp knife from the inside of his boot and cut the metallic box that held the shield on top. He carefully cut some wires and took the bottle of poison that was hooked to the wires.

 

 

 

Blake stuffed the poison into his rucksack,tied to his bely. He then took off the glass covering the shield. It was all his.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

The king of Varrock was awoke from his deep slumber. He heard a small siren go off. As he got out of bed, he woke up his wife. She too, left the bed to see what the problem was. Guards huddled together, watching a crystal ball, now put on the kings marble, dining room table. A lightning strike seemed to hit the inside of the ball and then all that was seen in the ball was darkness.

 

 

 

The king saw this and then saw that it was footage from the museum. He told his guards to go to the museum and search for the thief. The guards rushed. They saw that the shield of Arrav was missing and two guards slumped on the wall, dead. Someone yelled from outside and the guards saw a bloody mess on the pavement. Twin piles of ashes were also found. But no thief.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

The soon to be Archimage ran away from Varrock laughing, not knowing what fate had in store for him and the shield.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 12: SNAKE'S GIRLFRIEND

 

 

 

Snake saw the beefy looking guy try to steal Susan's purse. He got it and ran down the alley. Snake ran after him.

 

 

 

The guy took all the alleys he could. Snake eventually was getting so sick of the chase that he took a bounding leap and landed on a building. Following him was a lot easier now. Snake took another leap and landed on the guy. One of his ribs cracked when Snake pushed him to the ground. Snake grabbed the purse and walked off. The guy made an attempt to throw a knife at Snake but Susan's high heels crushed his hand.

 

 

 

"Thanks." Snake backtracked and handed her her purse.

 

 

 

"Come on, we can go tell the king of your heroism!"

 

 

 

"Why tell the king?"

 

 

 

"Because he is my boyfriend"

 

 

 

Snakes head drooped low. Reldo. He could not believe he took his girlfriend. The one Snake risked his life to save. He could feel tears, the first tears he had felt in years, well up in his eye.

 

 

 

"Take me to him."

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Snake sat at the marble dining table. Reldo had a steaming cup of tea in front of him while Snake had a glass of wine. Snake needed a drink. Something stronger than this.

 

 

 

"Whats the problem Snake?" Reldo asked.

 

 

 

"You." It was the only reply Snake could think of. Susan walked in. Her blond hair down to her shoulder and her baby blue eyes would keep you staring at her for a long time.

 

 

 

"Snake, whats the problem?"

 

 

 

"You took my girlfriend from me."

 

 

 

"She thought you were dead..."

 

 

 

"So the funeral...The funeral that I attended to declare I was alive...you were not there." Anger was taking over. This would not turn out good.

 

 

 

"There were other plans...more important..."Susan was cut off.

 

 

 

"What could be more important than the funeral of your boyfriend, who took a gaping wound for you to survive...from his own father..."

 

 

 

Snake could not comprehend what he was saying. He was to mad. Anger leads to fear. An old saying. It was his fear that his girlfriend hated him the whole time.

 

 

 

"Why did you like me Susan? Why were we together for so long?"

 

 

 

"Because...because." Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Reldo watched them cry. He acted like none of this bothered him.

 

 

 

"Why would I marry someone who's father is a god and resent our marriage? And to make sure that we don't get married, kill me."

 

 

 

"But it was me who got hurt. You ran, never came back. You liked me because I had power, was well respected..."

 

 

 

"Snake you are going to far!" Reldo finally put something into the conversation, or the emotional breakdown, whatever you want to call it.

 

 

 

"You are one to talk.We were friends! Best friends. And you go and start dating my girlfriend..." Snake got up from his chair. He walked for Susan.

 

 

 

"What the hell are you doing Snake?" Reldo got up and grabbed Snakes arm. Snake shook him off and punched his gut. Blood seemed to seep out of Reldo's mouth. Susan screamed a shrill scream that woke some of the guards. They ran in to see Snake strangling Susan and the king coughing up blood.

 

 

 

SNAP!

 

 

 

The final straw. Reldo got up. Snake dropped the limp body and watched as his former best friend took out a knife. He wiped the blood from his lips on his white button up. The guards grabbed Snake and held him.

 

 

 

"Blood stains are hard to get out." Snake said this coolly.

 

 

 

"But death is impossible to get out." Reldo walked up to Snake and stabbed him. Blood seeped into his clothes. The stain grew more and more.

 

 

 

"You happy?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"A death for a death..." Reldo was stunned when Snake threw all the guards behind him onto him. The knife was pulled down. Snake screamed. He pulled it out, just in time for everyone of the guards and Reldo to get up. More guards came and Snake was quickly seized and thrown in a prison cell downstairs. His wounds were healing quickly. Must be an effect of being half hellhound he thought.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Noob stared at the giant,white bearded Guthix and Saradomin.

 

 

 

"Let me ask you this Noob. What are you doing to torture the evil?" asked Guthix.

 

 

 

"Putting them in gladiator suits and making them fight!"

 

 

 

"Hay, that is a good idea." Said Saradomin.

 

 

 

"Heh...thanks."

 

 

 

"Oh, no problem I mean, I can see the road signs in heaven now, "you are now entering hell, home of the evil souls gladiator matches".

 

 

 

"Oh my me....you have to be kidding." said Guthix.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 13: ARCHIMAGES PAST PART 2

 

 

 

Blake was back at the camp. Well, what remained of the camp. The camp seemed to have burned down and a large dispute was what seemed to have been the cause. The thieves were in the training ground. When Blake came over to the training grounds people looked stunned to see the shield in his hand.

 

 

 

"What is going on?" Blake asked.

 

 

 

"Those people want to follow the elders instead of you!"

 

 

 

Blake walked over to the people who wanted to follow him.

 

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

 

"They think you are to young and thought you would be caught and killed anyway."

 

 

 

"Well to bad. I wasn't."

 

 

 

One of the elders walked up behind Blake and grabbed the shield from his hand. Blake held it tight and a fight broke out. Everyone was killing each other. The shield broke. The old guy had part and Blake had the other part.

 

 

 

"Black arm gang, come." The old men and some thieves followed the old guy with part of the shield.

 

 

 

"Pheonix gang, follow." Blake followed them into Varrock, where they entered an abandoned house. Blake handed the shield to a young man who was entering the door and walked off.

 

 

 

Blake walked for years. He could not stand the seperation and was sick of being a thief.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

At 20 years old Blake was on the other side of Runescape. He was way south, and on the beach. From the beach, he could see a building, coming out of the water. A circular building. Blake decided to swim out to it.

 

 

 

The swim was long and hard. When he got there a rope was thrown down to him. He grabbed it and was heaved up by an old man.

 

 

 

"Welcome to the lost library." The old man was wearing orange robes.

 

 

 

"Why are you out here?"

 

 

 

"We are not in the ocean, we are everywhere! The lost library IS the space time continuem!"

 

 

 

"You are weird I am leaving..."

 

 

 

"Not so fast...you found this place because you are destined to be a guardian of the library for the rest of eternity!"

 

 

 

"WHAT?" The old man stuck his hand into Blake's stomach. Darkness.

 

 

 

Welcome to the test Archimage.

 

 

 

What did you just call me? Who are you?

 

 

 

I am Jebediah, a guardian of the library. And I called you Archimage.

 

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

Because,the name suits you, your going to be an Archival mage if you pass the test.

 

 

 

What test?

 

 

 

This one.

 

 

 

Archimage was now in an arena. He saw someone, a dark figure appear out of nowhere.

 

 

 

Who are you? He asked.

 

 

 

Xarosen. Your dark side.

 

 

 

You must defeat the evil in you to become a guardian Archimage. The old mans voice said.

 

 

 

A sword was in Archimages hand and he ran at his dark side. He sliced his dark side in half. Xarosen just laughed.

 

 

 

Your hatred for me keeps me alive.

 

 

 

Archimage tried to clear his mind of thoughts. He tried to thing in a good way.

 

 

 

Why are you so mean Xarosen?

 

 

 

Because I am who I am.

 

 

 

But why? Why can't you be nice and not use thievery to get happiness. You have controlled me for so long. Why do you do it?

 

 

 

I thieve for fun.

 

 

 

But all your fun is hurting others.

 

 

 

So?

 

 

 

So, why not be nice and help others.

 

 

 

AUGH, Shut up Archimage!

 

 

 

Why? You have controlled me all these years, why should I shut up to the likes of you?

 

 

 

Because...

 

 

 

Xarosen was gone. The old man's voice said:

 

 

 

Now let us delve into your past. All the terrible times and the thievery. And now that Xarosen was gone, Archimage was able to not do that, to be able to make decisions.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

After his past was seen Blake was reborn into Arcimage, who ended up leaving the library for using it for his own purposes, to talk to his dead mother. Nobody found out about this until Archimage pasts his next test, which was to make a codex bubble. After the test they found out and banned him. He still had his codex bubble, his moms only remaining possession, her diamond ring, and his robes and knowledge he had learned. The people told him to come back in two years, after he had thought hard about why he would contact his mother and if it helped him.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Two years had passed and Archimage had figured out that it was wrong to contact his mother. The test would make him a true guardian of the library. And the next test was to go into his nightmares and face what he worst fears...

 

 

 

CHAPTER 14: THE ESCAPE

 

 

 

Snake was being dragged out of the castle. Thee guards pulled him all the way to town square, where the gallows were set up. An executioner with a black mask on watched as Snake was pulled up the stairs to the wooden deck.

 

 

 

Snake let the guards put the tied rope over his head and the guards still held on to him as Reldo spoke.

 

 

 

"Snake, you deserve to die! You killed Susan, you attempted to kill me..."

 

 

 

"I could have if your pathetic and stupid guard weren't holding me ba..."

 

 

 

One of the guards punched him in the stomach. Snake was gagging on the tightened rope.

 

 

 

"Goodbye old friend. May Zamorack spare your soul eternal pain and..."

 

 

 

"Zamorack? Ha!" Snake was choking on the rope as he talked.

 

 

 

"Kill him."

 

 

 

Snake saw the man with the black mask over his head pull a lever. The floor under Snake was dropped and he flew down, bouncing as the rope tried to straighten. He was seeing lights, and red. It was time to put his plan into action.

 

 

 

The transformation was quick and before he knew it, Snake the hellhound was running out of the city. The ropes knot was too large for the small head and neck of the hellhound.

 

 

 

Snake ran. And ran. When in Lumbridge, he stopped running. He transformed back to his human form and went to the church. Father Lawrence was rummaging through his gods bible.

 

 

 

"Father."

 

 

 

"Snake? Why are you here? I thought you were to be hung?"

 

 

 

Dammit. Rumors go around to fast.

 

 

 

"No, that was one of Noobs little jokes."

 

 

 

"Where is Noob?"

 

 

 

"Um, lets just say he is not with us at the moment."

 

 

 

"He has died?"

 

 

 

"Well, if you want to put it that way..."

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Guthix looked at Saradomin and Noob.

 

 

 

"As the god of balance I must get rid of one of you imbeciles and put in someone smart."

 

 

 

"You may be god of balance, but I am the god of good." Said Saradomin.

 

 

 

"And I am the god of evil. It evens out."

 

 

 

Guthix looked at them some more. He was about to go crazy.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

The funeral was attended only by a few. Susan was buried in her hometown of Lumbridge. Snake knew nothing about his and ended up being seen by one of Reldo's guards.

 

 

 

Snake ran for it, into the swamp. He took out his dramen staff, his only way to escape this wretched land. He kicked the small sheds door open and was instantly teleported away to one of the only places to see faries.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

The sighting of Snake and his disappearance was related to Reldo. Reldo stared at the guard, wide eyed.

 

 

 

"That is the way into the city of the faries. He told me of his adventure to get a dramen staff and enter the city a long time ago."

 

 

 

"Where is this dramen staff located?"

 

 

 

"That I can't remember."

 

 

 

"Then that does not help."

 

 

 

Reldo walked away from the grave and went to Varrock as fast as he could. He needed to alert everybody in the land of Snake.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Snake left the fairy city when the cost was clear. He was going to go to the lost library. It was on the far eastern side of Runescape. That was what Archimage had said.

 

 

 

Snakes walk was about a day. He teleported as much as he could and was not caught or seen by anyone on the way. That night, he was on the beaches and could see a circular place in the middle of the ocean. He swam to it. When he got there a rope was thrown down to him.

 

 

 

He climbed it only to see Archimage face down on the ground with an old guy staring at him and another old man pull up the rope he threw down to Snake.

 

 

 

"Hello Snake, we know much about you and you are needed for Archimage's test."

 

 

 

The old man plunged his hand into Snakes stomach and there was darkness. Then, an arena and Archimage.

 

 

 

Whats going on?

 

 

 

Fighting you is Archimage's worst fear, so we will pit you in a fight.

 

 

 

What the hell are you doing here Snake?

 

 

 

I don't know.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 15: A LITTLE PROBLEM

 

 

 

Snake thought that this was crazy. He was not going to fight his best friend. But the old man had said to him that this was Archimages test and Snake would not be killed, and Archimage would not be killed either.

 

 

 

Snake drew his sword and pointed it at Archimage.

 

 

 

"Sorry if I hurt you to bad." Snake said.

 

 

 

"You won't."

 

 

 

Archimage let Snake lunge at him. Archimage then used his codex bubble on him. Snakes sword cracked on impact with the bubble. Suddenly Snake felt a pain in his stomach. He screamed as blood seeped through his shirt.

 

 

 

"Stop the fight!" Archimage called. The darkness diminished and now Snake was in a rotunda, filled with books. Archimage pulled off his shirt and saw to his horror, that his diamond was not sealed in the demon jewel. It was in small shards, surrounding the jewel like a fort. Blood seeped from the edge of the jewel, like last time.

 

 

 

"Dammit." Archimage must not have sealed it good enough. There was no way to stop the demon now.

 

 

 

"What is going on Archimage?" One of the library guards asked. Archimage pointed at the jewel and the guard understood.

 

 

 

"We need someway to get rid of the jewel." The guard ran up a set of stairs, and entered a long hall hull of books. He picked one up and ran back to Archimage.

 

 

 

The guard flipped through the book until he found the page he wanted. He marked the page and ran to a room full of potions and other magical stuff. He grabbed some stuff and ran out.

 

 

 

"When did it open Snake?" Asked Archimage.

 

 

 

"I don't know, but it almost took me over when I killed my old girlfriend."

 

 

 

"I am back." The guard set all the things he collected down and took a potion from a bag first. He opened it and poured it into the jewel. Snake screamed as the jewel spewed steam out of its crack. The guard then began creating another potion. It had a lot of ingredients to it. When it was finished, the guard took out his staff and plunged it into the crack in the jewel. He yelled a spell and fire started melting the jewel. The potion was then dumped on it, as Snake screamed. The jewel suddenly melted away.

 

 

 

Snake got up and looked at his bare chest, now with a circular scar there instead of the jewel. Snake thanked the guard and took Archimage to a private room to tell him what had been going on. Archimage then said:

 

 

 

"The only way to erase everyones memory of your murder and escape is to use the large crystal ball on the top floor. But, it will get us banned from the library. I would like to leave. I like being able to hang out with you. I don't want to spend an eternity guarding a library."

 

 

 

"Good, because I want to be able to go to the mainland and not get killed."

 

 

MY RATING: 78%

 

 

 

SNAKE AND NOOB: THE SECOND GOD WAR

 

CHAPTER 1: ZAMMORACK UPRISING

 

 

 

A Zamorackian mage looked at the bloody mess of that the HAM members writhing bodies had left. The zamorack followers had filed in and killed all opposing HAM members. The stage in front of the wooden chairs was being scavenged. All flags were ripped down and in their place, a flag of Zammorack was hung. The seats were getting filled fast and the mage, wearing the red and gold robes of a Zamorrackian mage, walked up the short wooden steps to the front of the stage.

 

 

 

Each of the followers of Zammorack were clad in basic red robes. A symbol of His Lord was strung around each persons neck. Two candles, one to the left of the mage, and one to the right were lit. The cavern was instantly silent. The mage stood proud and stared at each of the people in the room.

 

 

 

"Welcome my brothers and sisters. I hope you all are wearing good boots. For this is not the only slaughter that is planned for us. Lord Zamorrack..."

 

 

 

"Heil, Heil." Yelled the crowd.

 

 

 

The mage put a look on his face that instantly silenced the people. "Lord Zamorrack has been overthrown. And who by, you may ask? Look at this picture and look at it well."

 

 

 

He pulled a rope and a large picture of a bald man wearing tight green pants and a tighter looking green shirt was in the picture, being eaten by a giant rat. The man all knew as Zamorracks son was in the background running to the mans rescue.

 

 

 

"He is pathetic, a giant rat eating him alive?" Asked a man in the crowd.

 

 

 

"Yes, I know how you feel. I feel the same way."

 

 

 

"But what are we to do?" asked another person in the crowd.

 

 

 

"Pandora's box. That is what."

 

 

 

"But it is a legend." The man who said that stood up.

 

 

 

"No, I believe we will find it."

 

 

 

"Please tell us the legend. We have never heard of such a box." The person who said that was a young child, barely in his teens.

 

 

 

"Alright. The legend goes that Pandora was a powerful magician who used her magic to take over the land. The gods were not pleased with this and trapped her and her magic in a box. They say that it is so powerful, that you can use it to access heaven and could even be as powerful as the gods."

 

 

 

The child looked awed. "And where do you think you will find it?"

 

 

 

"In the lands to the east. We will travel there. We will travel tomorrow. By the boat THE SEA SERPENT."

 

 

 

"We have no such boat." said one in the crowd.

 

 

 

"We will. It is docking tonight in Port Sarim. We will take it and kill its crew."

 

 

 

The meeting was dismissed and the followers went their own ways.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

Snake was sleeping in a small farmhouse with Archimage guarding the door. It had been a quite couple of nights. They were not doing much but heading east. They were going to go to Varrock.

 

 

 

Snake awoke to a howl. Outside, Archimage was running up a cobblestone street.

 

 

 

Snake pulled the covers off of himself and ran after Archimage. They entered Port Sarim. A ship was where the commotion was coming from.

 

 

 

Snake ran off the dock and grabbed the rope that held the anchor. He climbed and hurtled himself over a railing and onto the boat.

 

 

 

Zammoracks followers were killing the crew ruthlessly. Snake drew his sword and sliced an unsuspecting follows head off. Some saw him and ran to avenge the death of one of their own. Snake saw an archer on top of one of the mast aiming at him. The archer shot. Snake cut the arrow in half in mid air, Snake then threw the shaft half up at the archer. The shaft hit the archers stomach and blood began to pour out of the hollow shaft. It dripped down the mass. The archer fell into the water. Archimage was surrounded and Snake suddenly was dodging swords.

 

 

 

Snake was surprised when a loud, commanding voice said:

 

 

 

"Put your weapons down. Look who it is buffoons."

 

 

 

They dropped their weapons.

 

 

 

"Zammoracks son." The words rang around the boat.

 

 

 

"Sir, I am sorry but allow me to introduce myself, I am Zarov, follower of Zamorrack. Allow me to give you quarters as we journey to help your father."

 

 

 

"Where is it your going?"

 

 

 

"To the temple of the gods, where we will retrieve pandora's box."

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2

 

 

 

Snake and Archimage were led to a large cabin, with two bunks on the right side of the room and a desk on the left. A small bookshelf took up the space in the front, covering a window. Snake could tell.

 

 

 

"Welcome to the captains quarters. It is all yours son of Zamorak." The mage in red robes bowed deeply.

 

 

 

"Uh, thanks." Snake sat on the bottom bunk. "Where you going to sleep?"

 

 

 

"Oh, I am the captain, I cannot sleep. Your fathers incompetent fools of followers could not walk through a wide open door without hitting their shoulders on the wall."

 

 

 

Snake did not laugh or respond in anyway. His mind said what the hell while his mouth said "Uh...yeah, good joke."

 

 

 

"I will leave you two to read or talk until our breakfast." The mage left and closed the door.

 

 

 

Snake laughed. "I guess we are going to have to follow them to the eastern lands."

 

 

 

"It is no laughing matter. Have you heard the legends of the box of Pandora?" Archimage asked in a serious voice.

 

 

 

"No. Whats wrong?"

 

 

 

"That box, it can be used to gain the powers of a god."

 

 

 

"So...ohh, they want to overthrow Noob."

 

 

 

"Yeah. I am afraid so."

 

 

 

"And then they will use the power of the box to return Zamorak to power and he will rule over hell once again.Will they actually make it through the palace of the gods?"

 

 

 

"Temple of the gods you mean?"

 

 

 

"Whatever."

 

 

 

"It is said to be full of terribly nasty traps and monsters."

 

 

 

"O.K, so what? You actually think these idiot Zammoraks are going to make it past. I mean, I think Noob would have a better chance at getting through it the way these idiots fought."

 

 

 

Archimage walked over to the book case and looked at titles of some of the books.

 

 

 

"Ancient history of demons" "Dark magic handbook" "The unholy book of Zamorak" "Legends of the gods"

 

 

 

Archimage was stopped. Snake said "Read the story of Pandora. I want to hear this story."

 

 

 

"O.K" Archimage flipped through the pages of the book and came to a page with a large picture of a golden box. It was small, and had a picture of a sword on the front.

 

 

 

The legend of Pandora is one that most people that follow the stories of the god wars know. A long time ago, a powerful mage named Pandora was the ultimate evil on earth, destroying villages, farms, and cities. The gods were not happy to see their land destroyed by a mortal.

 

 

 

The god Saradomin came to earth and searched for this wizard. He had no idea that his evil brother, Zamorak, was hiding the mage in a cave,now popularly called "The Waterfall Dungeon" by some adventurers.

 

 

 

Saradomin had no idea that Zamorak was involved and when he cast himself to hell and found that his brother had left from his palace, Saradomin suddenly found a young woman in Zamoraks bed. The woman seemed to be a slave. She had blond hair and blue eyes. She wore only rags. She told Saradomin where to find him, because she did not want the world in which she used to live to be destroyed.

 

 

 

Saradomin went back to the land and found Zamorak. Zamorak suddenly started to attack his brother out of nowhere. Guthix was not pleased with this development and left the heavens to help stop Zamorak. But, their was a flaw in the plan, Heaven was left unprotected. Hell was unprotected. The gates to heaven and the gates to hell were unprotected.

 

 

 

The dead from hell suddenly invaded heaven and tried to defeat the angel guardians. Many passed and lived forever happy. Many were cast back to hell. The afterlife was a shattered wasteland that no one wished to live in anymore.

 

 

 

The fight of the gods resulted in the god wars. The god wars are explained fully in the god wars story on page 458 of this book.

 

 

 

Pandora was eventually taken by Saradomin and Guthix and sent into a hand crafted box made by Saradomin. A temple was built, full of traps and a monster that is so evil, it can only be defeated by the sword of Saradomin.

 

 

 

After all these years, Pandora, as the legend goes, has learned enough magic, that you could use it to be as powerful as a god. Many have sought the box, but the temples challenges seemed to hard for them. No one has retrieved the box.

 

 

 

SIDENOTE

 

*THE WOMAN IN ZAMORAKS BED IS BELIEVED TO BE HIS WIFE, WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ZAMORAKS SON. MORE ON PAGE 678.

 

 

 

"I want to read about the god wars." Said Archimage.

 

 

 

"As long as you read my legend."

 

 

 

"No problem"

 

 

 

The god wars were a time when the whole of Runescape itself, seemed to have no hope. The gods were in a battle that destroyed half of the mainland. The western lands used to be connected to us but the god wars were so destructive, the border between the two was broken and the western lands were drifted into the sea.

 

 

 

The gods gave no pity on each other. Guthix and Saradomin worked together, trying to defeat their destructive brother. The war between the people in hell and the people of heaven was a main battle in the war. It is sometimes called, "The gods greatest mistake."

 

 

 

The war resulted in the breaking of the gates leading form hell to heaven, and heaven to hell. The only relic we have of this war, is a fallen angel, said to be cursed and whoever tries to put it up in their house or in a museum suddenly dies.

 

 

 

The war between the gods became more intense when Zamorak started turning the slaves in hell into monsters. These monsters killed civialians and continued the destruction that Zamorak could not cause himself, due to his brothers. The end of the war brought a weary Zamorak watching his slaves be defeated by fallen angels. Zamorak had no point in continuing when he saw that the mage he was trying to protect, Pandora, had been sealed away in a box. He gave up and returned to hell.

 

 

 

He has been known to walk the earth in some places, but is rarely seen.

 

 

 

"Lets hear my story."

 

 

 

"I guess. This book is not very descriptive."

 

 

 

Zamorak was married to a young woman named Maria. She supposedly had a son with him. The son, who is sometimes named Snake or Devil Baby, was supposedly treated terribly by his father. Constant beatings, telling him to do some of the slaves dirty work for hours for a punishment. Snake had had it.

 

 

 

At the young age of 16, right before the portals from heaven to hell and hell to heaven were destroyed, he used the one to heaven. When he was there, the gods heard his story and allowed him a new life on runescape. Nobody knows where he resides at the moment.

 

 

 

"You are that old?"

 

 

 

"So what? I may be old, but I still kick a..." He was cut off by the Zamorak mage entering the room. "Sir please follow me to breakfast."

 

 

 

Breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon, and bread. After this not so great breakfast, Archimage and Snake were back in the cabin. Archimage read select stories from the book while Snake listened intently. After about a week of sailing, Snake was surprised by a shout of "LAND [garden tool]!" Archimage put down his book. He had gotten through more than half the books in the shelve that week.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3

 

 

 

The old man watched the approaching ship. He had an old cottage on the beach and a bunch of sticks and dead animals, and what could be made out as dead human bodies, in a pile. He opened his closed fist and the pyre suddenly burst into flames. The old man cackled. The water around the island rippled violently. A large thing was heading towards the boat.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Snake and Archimage looked at the upcoming island. Thats when they noticed a jet of water being sprayed up. It came towards the boat fairly fast. Snake drew his sword. Archimage took his staff out and prepared his magic.

 

 

 

The water was suddenly calm. Snake pushed Archimage towards a small dinghy that was strung to the ship. All of a sudden, the monster struck through the middle of the boat. The boats drifted into two pieces and the monster ate a nearby Zamorak.

 

 

 

Snake told Archimage to use magic spells and give him cover. Archimage nodded and prepared a powerful attack. Snake meanwhile climbed the mast and got to the top. The sea monster, a serpent from what Snake could tell, struck the mast and broke its foundation. It fell towards the monster. Snake jumped and landed on the monsters head.

 

 

 

Zamorak archers prepared their bows. Snake tried to tell them not to shoot by they did anyway. Snake dodged arrows. Only a few struck the monster. Small pools of blood were now oozing on the ships floor.

 

 

 

The half of the ship that Snake and Archimage was not on, was drifting into a large pile of rocks. The ship could not be saved. Snake payed more attention at the task at hand and held onto the serpent as it tried to shake him off.

 

 

 

Snake plunged his sword into the serpents head, between its eyes. The green, grimy snake fell to the water, its blood leaving the ocean red. Snake watched the other half of the ship drift into the rocks. The ship was getting shattered slowly. Suddenly, the mage appeared and yelled:

 

 

 

"We shall swim to land."

 

 

 

Everyone acknowledged and jumped ship.

 

 

 

Snake walked back to where Archimage was standing.

 

 

 

"How will we get back to Port Sarim?"

 

 

 

"I really don't know." Archimage then jumped into the water. Snake followed in. The water was cool and refreshing. He swam the mile or so to shore. He was tired. An old man walked over to them.

 

 

 

"So, what ye be wantin' with me and the ancient island of Crete?"

 

 

 

Snake got up. The mage got up as well and walked over to the old man.

 

 

 

"We are in search of Pa...."

 

 

 

"ndoras box? Ye came to the right place."

 

 

 

"Where is it?"

 

 

 

"In that temple on top of the hill over there."

 

 

 

Snake saw the large temple against the glimmer of the stars and light of the moon.

 

 

 

"Who are you?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

"The guardian of the box. I keep watch of adventurers who come to retrieve it."

 

 

 

"What was that monster back there?"

 

 

 

"A sea serpent. My pet sea serpent."

 

 

 

"Oh, uh, sorry about that."

 

 

 

"Well, it gives me an excuse to get a baby serpent, boy are they cute."

 

 

 

The mage walked away. "Are you coming?"

 

 

 

"Good luck, ye be needing it." The old man said.

 

 

 

Snake followed everyone as they walked towards the temple.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4

 

 

 

The Zamoraks and Snake and Archimage were inside the temple. It was finely furnished in the front. Chairs of gold and silver were strung about and a finely crafted staircase was in the center, leading down to a dark area. Snake was wondering why they were not going down and entering the area.

 

 

 

"Sit my minions." The mage stood by the staircase everyone took seats.

 

 

 

"It is here that our greatest achievement will happen. It is here that I gain the power of a god and overthrow the insolent new god. It is NOW that we will stand up for lord Zamorak and defeat all in the way.

 

 

 

Snake stood. "You? You get to use the power? And how can we trust you? Why not trust the son of Zamorak?"

 

 

 

The mage watched as the Zamoraks started nodding their heads.

 

 

 

"I am His Lords greatest servant." He said.

 

 

 

"But I am his son and this is a burden that I must bear. For my dear father." There was a bit of sarcasm in both sentences that only Archimage detected.

 

 

 

"Well, what contributions have you made to His Lords fine kingdom?"

 

 

 

"What have I not contributed to his kingdom?"

 

 

 

The Zamoraks stood and confronted the mage face to face. They wanted Snake to use the box. They trusted him more than anyone. They apparently had not read the book in that cabin, Snake thought.

 

 

 

"But that man, he betrayed his fa..."

 

 

 

His voice was trailed off by a faint scream from the dark area that the stairs led to.

 

 

 

"Can we please get into the cavern?" asked Snake.

 

 

 

Everyone lit a torch and followed the steps down. The walls were pretty close to each other and everyone had to line up single file in order to get through the corridor. Suddenly, the corridor branched off to the left, right, and straight ahead.

 

 

 

"Split up!" The mage yelled from the front. Snake and Archimage were right behind him. Snake decided to follow him down the right path. It was not as narrow a corridor as the last. Another faint scream could be heard in the distance.

 

 

 

Snake saw a small, circular room ahead. There were small holes all over the floor. There were three paths branching from the room. A small set of clicks could be heard.

 

 

 

"Go middle! Hurry!" Snake called as he figured out the trap. He ran in and waited for everyone to file in.

 

 

 

"What was that for?" The mages question was answered as out of the small holes, spears shot up. They stayed there for a few minutes and then lowered into the holes again. Snake pushed past everyone and told them to follow him. They walked silently down the silver cavern they were in.

 

 

 

The screams seemed to get louder as Snake moved down the cave and soon he found himself at a gate, that went into a circular arena, where a young man was facing a minotaur.

 

 

 

"AUGHH!" He cried as he dodged attacks.

 

 

 

Snake kicked down the gate and ran in. The box was hanging from a piece of rope high in the air. No one could throw or even shoot anything that far up.

 

 

 

"What is your name kid?" Asked Snake.

 

 

 

"Theseus!" He parried a blow from the minotaurs large hammer with his sword.

 

 

 

 

MY RATING: 48%

 

 

 

BLUE JAY FILES ORIGINALS:

 

Welcome to the 6:02 news, now in color! Today we will watch a noob police training video as we learn what it is like to live the life of a noob policeman. That is why our show is now called:

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

 

 

The noob police headquarters. A beautiful building. The pretty flowers growing along the cobble stone sidewalk. The bushes, finely cut. The windows, so square...

 

 

 

If you fell for that description, you are a noob!

 

 

 

Welcome to the noob police. Our description of our building is a building. Period. Everybody who comes here has a problem with a noob. LEts ask what this young man has to say about a noob:

 

 

 

This noob admitted to me he is a child.

 

All children must be punished in rude and nasty ways!

 

Like killing them?

 

Hell yeah!

 

 

 

This is blue jay. He is a highly respected agent of the noob police. Any tips for new noob police.

 

 

 

All noobs are idiots. Well, all the ones we seem to catch.

 

 

 

Welcome to the sitting room. Here, we place very uncomfortable chairs and boring magazines for your enjoyment. Runesweek anyone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the lavatory. We use this in various ways. If a noob needs some solitary time we stick them in here. When a noob says something very nasty that our police can not put up with, they come in here.

 

 

 

 

 

Here is the office. Here, our workers work. Typing mission reports that no one reads, reading dossiers that somebody reads, sometimes wondering who came up with the idea of a mechanical pencil. Really, isnt it an amazing piece. Behold, the mechanical pencil

 

 

 

 

 

Is it not, simply amazing?

 

 

 

Now then, here are the cells.

 

 

 

There are no noobs in the cells because, well we were overcome by anger and we...we...killed them. Those people in the back are family.

 

 

 

That concludes our tour...we will give you more wonderful information on the noob police and blue jay soon. Until then, remember, if you have noob problems, you can count on blue jay and the noob police.

 

 

 

(Please, at least pretend you care)

 

 

 

Today, we will take you on an adventure with Blue Jay. Lets read the dossier and see what his mission is. Hi Blue Jay! How long was your dossier?

 

 

 

As long as a newspaper clipping.

 

 

 

O.K lets see. Ah, the classifieds section lets see:

 

 

 

URGENT!

 

The noob police are having their annual,

 

take a noob to jail day, where they fight,

 

by seeing who catches the most noobs and

 

puts them in jail. We need a stripper for the win...

 

 

 

Uh...you did not see that...please turn it over!

 

 

 

NOOB CAUGHT SCAMMING!

 

Some noob just sold a rare Spinach role!

 

Reports have come in that this noob

 

Height:4 foot

 

Weight:N/A

 

Description: bald and wearing green

 

has been scamming, please capture immediatly.

 

 

 

To lumbridge!

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

Excuse me sir, have you been scamming?

 

 

 

No...i just started the game.

 

 

 

No you have not, you fit the description perfectly, you are under arrest.

 

 

 

But what about that guy chopping the willow down? He looks like me.

 

 

 

Fine. Sir? Sir? SIR? Oh really? Is that what you gonna do? Ignore me, Blue Jay? Giant Blue Jay, come!

 

 

 

That is one hell of a blue jay. Good god is it large. I think its...it just picked up that noob. The blue jay seems to be going to the jail.

 

 

 

Now then, where is that other guy. Hay, I told you to stay there!

 

 

 

Who the hell are you?

 

 

 

The noob polices agent, Blue Jay.

 

 

 

LOL!!! (he did not say rolling on the floor laughing, he just said LOL. Just say those three letter together.)

 

 

 

LOL? What the hell does that mean, you are coming with me!

 

 

 

Get off me!

 

 

 

So that was a very fun and educational day with Blue Jay. Tune in for more soon.

 

 

 

This was written by a noob named, Nooby. He was quite evil. His scams were amazing, his money outrageous, his control over macroers almost destructive. But he was brought down by the Noob Police.

 

We were not payed to say this. OWWW!!

 

 

 

Tonight on a special edition of the blue jay files, you have seen future weapons of the Noob police but you have not seen the originals. We will take a tour through history.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, what is this?

 

 

 

One of our first weapons. Back in the first age we thought that we threw these at noobs, they would explode, but all they did was render them unconcious.

 

 

 

Then what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We threw these at them because we thought that it would wake them up with cold water.

 

 

 

And what would happen?

 

 

 

They would stop breathing.

 

 

 

Very useful. Now that you have showed us your methods in the first age, lets see what your methods were in the second.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was the only method we used back then. You see, we would smack them with this and watch them scream. They would eventually give in and share there secrets. Then we threw those runes at them.

 

 

 

So very interesting. Now that we have seen these methods that were used basically until you took over, lets see some glorious technology that you have created.

 

 

 

Well...uh...

 

 

 

Yes?

 

 

 

Oh my god...is it lunch already? See you.

 

 

 

Well then. Goodbye. Hope you get hit by a couple runes you twit.

 

 

 

I heard that. Giant blue Jay!

 

 

 

Uh-Oh...AUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Where are you taking me? Please spare me. Uh...well if I live you will see a very special episode of The Blue Jay files, because an ancient cult has returned and boy, are they stupid and Noobs.

 

 

 

It seems to me that this is not a random news paper clipping about the boss and his wife getting into a fight, it seems to be a...a...JOB!!!NOOOOO!!! Oh cabbage get the camera out of here. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Sneaking up on someone like that.

 

 

 

Well, uh, I guess we must wait here, in this area...Oh, a new magazine, A two year old issue of Runestoons! Oh yeah.

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Where the police are the ones in the line of fire)

 

 

 

Well, lets go check on Blue Jay. Seems to be lunch hour. Boy those puzzles in Runestoons were challenging. I can't believe four year olds can cope with those. Hay there you are Blue Jay!

 

 

 

Yup. Well I gotta go get some donuts. Want to come?

 

 

 

Sure, I can't say why not.

 

 

 

Giant Blue Jay!

 

 

 

OWWW!!!!Not my head!

 

 

 

I am sorry Jay. Not this time, maybe next time, put him down.

 

 

 

That hurt...anyway here we go.

 

 

 

SCENE OF THE CRIME

 

DONUT SHOP

 

TIME: LUNCH

 

WHY NO POLICE RESPONDED:LUNCH

 

 

 

So we got our two dozen donuts...

 

 

 

Hay, i have seen you before have I not?

 

 

 

No never sir.

 

 

 

Were you on the cruise boat?

 

 

 

Nope.

 

 

 

Oh well. Enjoy the old donuts, I bought all the fresh ones.

 

 

 

Man its a beautiful view from this sky...

 

 

 

I know where I saw him.

 

 

 

Where?

 

 

 

On a wanted poster.

 

 

 

BOOOOOMMMM!!!

 

 

 

Shouldn't we...

 

 

 

I have fresh donuts...do you think I am going back?

 

 

 

THREE MINUTES LATER

 

 

 

Donuts...I call glazed.

 

 

 

I call custard filled.

 

 

 

CAW CAW CAW

 

 

 

Damn, that bird always takes my favorite donuts. Stupid giant bird, should roast it and AUGHHH AUGHHH AUGHHH.

 

 

 

THAT NIGHT

 

 

 

Man Giant Blue Jay, this meat is so fresh and tender, where did you get it?

 

 

 

CAW CAW!

 

 

 

Man, Private purple would love this.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE:

 

 

 

This is the 6:02 news with an Alert! Yes it is so bad that they had to call us to tell the civilians. Archimages news crew is having dinner with the noob police. Anyway, the undead master of Noobs Nooby, has risen from the dead and is trying to figure out what a microphone is...For the last time it is not a club!!!

 

 

 

law enforcements finest. LIKE HELL. OWWW!

 

 

 

Welcome people to a fantastic episode. Yes a great one. Today we will encounter ancient enemies and learn more about the Noob police.

 

 

 

So let us begin!

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Apply only when needed.)

 

 

 

So Blue Jay, what kind of education do you need to become a Noob policeman?

 

 

 

Oh, it depends.

 

 

 

On what?

 

 

 

If you passed college you are our intern,lawyer,computer geek. If not you are a policeman like us.

 

 

 

And what job will you be tackling today?

 

 

 

Well, rumors have spread that the 6:02 news is back and, well, that may be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

 

 

Well, lets see that report they have then.

 

 

 

O.K

 

 

 

Welcome to the 6:02 news. A breaking news report. Nooby is now on a rampage here in Al Kharid. He is scaring the living bejesus out of people by acting like he does not know what things are.

 

 

 

Oh my god...a gate to hell! Seal it!

 

 

 

Thats a furnace.

 

 

 

You people and your fancy names...what is this contraption?

 

 

 

Uh...my script.

 

 

 

Amazing, such a technological breakthrough. I would pay so much to have a "Script."

 

 

 

It is just a piece of paper!

 

 

 

PAPER SCRIPTS! Why must young people be so cruel.

 

 

 

What did I say?

 

 

 

And what is this?

 

 

 

Sand.

 

 

 

Liter? Kitty litter? What brand.

 

 

 

The kind that comes in from the sea.

 

 

 

What did you say you just saw? Oh my god! What are these.

 

 

 

Gems.

 

 

 

What kind?

 

 

 

The kind I am gonna shove up your [wagon] if you don't shut up!

 

 

 

What is an [wagon]?

 

 

 

It seems our camera man is beating Nooby up. Hell of a right hook from our camera man. It seems to me that Nooby is dead. Oh crap...who knows what he might be causing in Lumbridge! Run Run Run!

 

 

 

As you can see, the apocalypse is beginning.

 

 

 

SHHH!!! Its back on!

 

 

 

It seems to me that Nooby is in the general store!

 

 

 

Who invented this pot?

 

 

 

Uhh...I don't know.

 

 

 

So your saying it was an ancient Chinese secret?

 

 

 

What? Who the hell are the Chinese?

 

 

 

You never heard of the land of dragons and Kung-Fu?

 

 

 

What the hell are you talking about? Get out of here...NOW!

 

 

 

I guess we should get there before it gets to bad.

 

 

 

Oh...can i just sit here maybe?

 

 

 

Come on...you can drag yourself with me.

 

 

 

But if we stay here we could start watching the big Gnomeball game.

 

 

 

Tape it!

 

 

 

Tape a gnomeball game?

 

 

 

Sure.

 

 

 

Whats the point, everyone will talk about it before we get to see it.

 

 

 

Then don't tape it, I don't care just hurry up before Giant Blue Jay drags you along by force.

 

 

 

Coming...just taping the game...

 

 

 

(Now with extra mayonnaise)

 

 

 

Well, we are going to show the end of Nooby later but right now we get to go home with Blue Jay and see what his life at home is like. He has a beautiful trailor home. It seems to be next to someones house.

 

 

 

Blue jay you bastard, let me live in their with you. There is no plumbing in here. When I use the faucet, my crap from the toilet spews out.

 

 

 

Sorry mum. You treated me bad as a child and now that you are old and feeble you are now the one treated bad.

 

 

 

You should be ashamed of yourself, go to your room young man.

 

 

 

Young man? Mom, I am 16!

 

 

 

WHAT? You were only 16 this whole time? How did you get the noob police gig then?

 

 

 

Uh, got all the policemen drunk and applied then. I love to defeat noobs. On my resume I am 21.

 

 

 

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BLUE JAY!

 

 

 

Giant Blue Jay, throw her in a lake!

 

 

 

Your own mother? You sick bastard. I swear I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

 

 

How did they accept that beast into the noob police?

 

 

 

I gave them a picture of an apache helicopter and they accepted it.

 

 

 

What the hell is an Apache?

 

 

 

I don't know, I got a picture of it when a virus leaked out and something called "google" popped up.

 

 

 

I like that name. Is it a por...

 

 

 

No, nothing of that sort...here is that picture, if you will follow me down here please.

 

 

 

You live in the basement

 

 

 

Giant Blue Jays got to live somewhere you know!

 

 

 

O.K, put him in a cage in the backyard.

 

 

 

Why I never...you are a sick bastard. A sick, sick, sick bastard.

 

 

 

Where is this picture.

 

 

 

Why should I show you animal hater.

 

 

 

It was just a suggestion for your sake.

 

 

 

My sake. Look at this basement and tell me it is not better than anywhere else in this house!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We can't even show it in color for gods sake! This is so unsanatary,and look at the birds living room!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why does that bird need all those chairs? Who does he invite over?

 

 

 

He says there are these birds that are called [roosters] and that he likes those birds...

 

 

 

You bird is a woman bird!

 

 

 

Man, that completely hit me. And the whole time that I walked in there and the bird asked me if I wanted him I just replied "Maybe someday." I thought he was gay!

 

 

 

And I think you are like byspecies gay.

 

 

 

What, so I like animals and I can't tell there sex.

 

 

 

Why are there dead parrots here? AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

 

 

 

I am a robotic version of Blue Jay. C3PO human cyborg relations.

 

 

 

THEN WHERES...

 

 

 

Man that was a good sleep. Hay? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

 

 

 

Who was that?

 

 

 

I dunno.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE:

 

 

 

Oh, lord that was a terrible nightmare. Good lord I hope I don't have to do another one of those reports.

 

 

 

Oh, please come back to bed hon.

 

 

 

AUDIENCE:

 

 

 

AUDIENCE: Is this an actual episode.

 

 

 

This episode of THE SIMPSONS will return.

 

 

 

AUDIENCE: Oh thank god.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE:

 

 

 

I AM GOING TO SUE THOSE DIRTBAGS! I AM NOT GAY! OR TRANSPECIES GAY. I AM A 25 year old man with an ounce of dignity left in him.

 

 

 

Then why are you in the noob police?

 

 

 

What the hell are you doing here? GET OUT!

 

 

 

LATER:

 

 

 

I would like to point out to the court that they had no permission from me to do this.

 

 

 

Your honor, that is a lie. We have it right here.

 

 

 

He is right sir. This is signed by you. And no signs of forgery.

 

 

 

Well maybe I was a little drunk.

 

 

 

Case dismissed. Bring in the next defendant.

 

 

 

Those people made fun of me on public television.

 

 

 

You were drunk when you signed the form.

 

 

 

How did you know?

 

 

 

Court dismissed.

 

 

 

 

 

IF ANYONE WAS OFFENDED (namely blue jay) REMEMBER THAT IT WAS ALL ON AN EPISODE OF A COMEDY SERIES. BLUE JAY IS NOT CALLED GAY AND TRANSPECIES GAY TO OFFEND HIM, OR TELL THE WORLD ABOUT HIM. (HAY I DON"T KNOW). SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO FELT BAD ABOUT THIS AND NEXT EPISODE WILL BE A LOT MORE TONED DOWN>

 

 

MY RATING: 21%