Cold metal pressed against my thigh,

 

Pull from the sheath and let the bullets fly,

 

Fear sparks and lights her eyes,

 

Pull the trigger and let them die,

 

Put it to my head, and watch her cry.

 

 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

Not depressed/suicidal.

Gave it a title :P

I see a personification of the gun, being the female portrayed:

 

 

 

Fear sparks and lights her eyes

 

 

 

I see the flash of the gun. The "eyes" being the tip of the barrel.

 

 

 

Put it to my head, and watch her cry.

 

 

 

This ties in beautifully with the title. Metallic tears representing the bullet....her crying.

 

 

 

This reminds me of an old 2Pac song. I don't know what your opinion of this artist or his music is, but keep an open mind about this correlation. I believe 2Pac was a poet of his times.

 

 

 

The song I'm referring to is "Me and My Girlfriend." If you haven't heard it before, here's a youtube link:

 

 

 

[hide=2Pac]I was too immature to understand your ways

 

Inexperienced back in the days

 

Caused so many arguments and strays

 

Now I realise how to treat ya

 

The secret to keep ya

 

Bein' faithful (now) 'cause now cheatin's lethal

 

We closer than the hands of time

 

Deeper than the drive of mankind

 

I trust you dearly; I shoot blind

 

In time I clock figures

 

Dropping *** as we rise

 

We all soldiers in God eyes.

 

Now it's time for war

 

Never leave me, baby

 

I'm paranoid

 

Sleeping with you loaded by my bedside, crazy

 

Jealous when you hang wit' the fellas

 

I wait patiently alone

 

Anticipated for the moment you come home

 

I'm waiting by the phone

 

This is true love, I can feel it

 

I've had a lot of women in my bed but you the realest

 

If you need me, call

 

I'll be there through it all

 

You're the reason I can stand tall

 

Me and my girlfriend[/hide]

 

 

 

This is a sample of how he compares his gun to an intimate relationship with a girlfriend (with a couple of edits).

 

 

 

Now, I'm not saying you have to "thug" up the poem, nor take it quite in this same direction. But maybe this can give you some ideas in how far you go with this theme. I like what there is so far, but I'm wondering if there's more to be said beyond the five lines posted. Good job, though.

This was while I was going through a patch of depression.

 

 

 

I thought about putting some verses and making it into a song, but I don't really have the inspiration yet...

 

 

 

Maybe as I try and win the female mentioned in the poem back over, I might be inspired again.