Today 5/30/13

Just got back from her(my friend's) funeral. I wasn't even close to prepared for the open casket. I literally walked into the wake, dropped my jaw and sat down in shock for 2 hours staring at her lifeless body hoping it would twitch or sigh or shake so that everything would be okay and I could make her smile, and no one would have to deal with her loss. And the whole time I felt guilty for not knowing her better, or making a stronger effort to get to know her more. I finally did work up the nerve to shake her dad's hand, hug her mom and sister. It was heartbreaking. I'd stayed up til 4am drinking and crying last night with some friends, so I was far to dehydrated to even produce tears. But I got to see some people I graduated with I haven't seen since we all walked to our diplomas. She was such a beautiful person, inside and out. She's not on any social media site, and has only had her picture taken like a dozen times. Seeing her in the casket was just...shocking. What I'd do to hear her laugh again. See her smile. Or smell her perfume as she smiled and walked by...

I don't think I ever want to go to another funeral. I don't want there to be a reason to.