S7ccer

I liked the story, although I have to admit, the first part was more exciting than the second. Besides grammar etc, I'd like to see some description of the characters... No offense but I want to be able to breathe in that world. See Runescape's graphics suck, so I like to be able to read something that breathes more than the game. Descriptions help, weather helps, the touch of things like holding the sword helps etc. Also, on the note of the above person trying to help you out, I agree solemnly on the girlfriend thing. See in that day an age, I would believe leaving a girlfriend, well I don't think they were even called girlfriends but that's beside the point, leaving a girlfriend would be alot harder than just good bye so you should expand that a little. Also, she wasn't mentioned in the beginning, so it was quite a surprise you threw her into it like that. I love the plot by the way, and you have a lot of strong points. So just add more descriptions and details... and more background. I think you're doing a good job tho!