my poetry prt 2

[drowcon]

now that my love is gone

 

the pain sets in

 

and resides where she belonged,

 

my soul within,

 

and i fear that this night will never end

 

is my dream over?

 

or has it just begun....

 

 

 

~owd2~

[Guest ShadowClawe]

Not bad, not bad.

 

 

 

The 5th line has too many syllables, making it sound a bit awkward.

 

 

 

My poetry/song method:

 

What I look for:

 

 

 

Grammar/punctuation/presentation: 4/5 (Maybe capitallize some words to make it more presentable)

 

Does it make sense?: 5/5

 

Does it rhyme/sound good when you read it?: 4/5

 

Does it spread emotions: funny, sad, scary, etc.?: 5/5

 

 

 

Pretty good poem you got there!

 

 

 

~Shadow

[archimage_a]

now that my love is gone

 

the pain sets in

Usually rhymes when you are talking about the word gone...not that it has to just an observation

 

and resides where she belonged,

This really isn't nessecery, it just makes the poem sound a bit too trying

 

my soul within,

 

and i fear that this night will never end

the and really doesn't add anything, in poetry you don't have to stick to the rule of connectives...if you are then and does not start a standard english sentance.

 

is my dream over?

 

or has it just begun....

Maybe in referance to a nightmare, its not clear... all we know is that you don't think the night will end, so if your dream is over then everything is alright again, or you are decending into a nightmare...either way it doesn't really sit right...

 

 

 

If I may:

 

Now that my love is gone

 

this is my pain upon.

 

From my soul within,

 

Deep dark and grim.

 

I fear that this night. This

 

the night of my plight

 

has taken me, down.

 

Down so that I drown.

 

Is my dream over?

 

Have I drove her

 

Away?

 

 

 

Feel free to ignore it. I am not saying it is a bad poem, I am just telling you what I would have done.

[Guest ShadowClawe]

now that my love is gone---A

 

the pain sets in---B

 

and resides where she belonged,---A

 

my soul within,---B

 

[archimage_a]

Ok then mister TET, fancy pancy hoity toity sassy frassy girly pearly. Jk.

 

 

 

Ok then it has an A-B rhyme pattern, but the last 3 lines rhyme with nothing...that I can see. In-Within is not exactly a rhyme because it is the same word. and Gone-Belonged is a pretty good rhyme, I have to say...

 

 

 

Anyway I did say it was just my opinion, usually poems about love pain(at least in my knowladge) have an AA rhyme at least...

[drowcon]

thank you to all, i apreciate constructive critisizm, as a rebuttle to the connectiveness and rhyme scheme the poem, the connecting fiber of the poem is metaphorical to an event that occured which i wish not to discuss.

 

as for the rhyming, it is pure coiencidental that there is any at all. i feel that there is no need to be tied to any rule when expressing one's self.

 

 

 

~owd2~

[archimage_a]

Which is completely fine...It was just an obseveration based on my own knowladge...

 

the only thing is, if you connect something metaphorically to something else you need to be able to discuss it to a certain degree otherwise it is very differcult to understand the meaning of the poem. I don't mean actually have a coversation about it, I mean have enough information in the poem for us to make an educated guess.

 

 

 

We can guess it was a break up...perhaps. It could be death. It could be that you have gone on a long voyage and won't see her again for some time...Its just one of those things that isn't quite clear...well to me at least.

[TotalTalker]

Hmm, pretty good poem. Like someone said earlier though, there are too many syllables in line 5.