Midnight Blue Rain Chapter 1-2

[Pandawiz3]

Chapter 1 : The Truth Is Revealed

 

 

 

Karrora was 14, had a slim figure, was always hungry, and had straight,light brown hair. He sat at his window looking how the rain fell and stared at the drops speeding down his window like if they were racing.He would only stare at Mid-night. Karrora wasn't like other kids, they called him a anti-social teenager and her teachers worried about him yet they didn't care why or what caused it and the only thing that knew why was the rain.

 

He told everything to the rain even his darkest secret. " I don't think anyone really cares about me and if they did I would warn them they' get lost"'said Karrora to the rain. The rain made a rhythm on the glass. Karrora smiled. I knew you'd understand.Karrora went on a walk in the rain every midnight and just talked, no one ever came by or ever listened in on what he said. " The only reason I don't talk to anyone is because al they talk about are tv and games, they donÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t like things like you. But I do", Karrora said. The rain again covered him and soon he fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a puddle which gave him warmth and soon he arose and told the rain, " If my parents cared about me they would come to find me." He tried opening the door but it was locked so he went to his old tree house which there was one relationship that made it feel sort of like a house to him, it was big, cozy, and empty. Korrora spoke so soft the rain didn't hear. In the morning he went to the door and once again it was locked. So he remembered he had money in his pocket. He had doubts that it would be dry after falling asleep in the rain, but when he check everything was wet accept the money. "Hehe, thanks guys", he said softly so only the puddles could here. He grabbed his bike from the garage again not remembering his parents always leave the door from the garage to the house always unlocked in case something like what happened happens. He rode into Kokoro village trying to find somewhere that has good food can fill him up. The Forager pub was his place to usually go but he never drank, smoked, or done drugs. He would go sit down and ask for a water and a tuna sandwich,which they carried both. He didn't feel like going there and ignore the drunk guy that always punched his back for not responding to them, so he went to a restaurant to eat what was an all-you-can-eat place and ate a lunch box worth of stuff. Everything was the same type of routine until he bumped into a tall man with a samurai blade. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅI... IÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢m sorry sirÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[archimage_a]

Changed your tense right at the very end.

 

Ummm some of the sentances were crowded because you didn't leave a space between the full stops.

 

The ending sort of felt slightly rushed, the rest of it had been really well written and I could feel myself emersed in the world, and knowing the character...

 

It was just the ending that sort of pulled me back and made me think..."Hmmm this story has some failings."

 

 

 

But thats not to say that it wasn't a really good story, its just the ending felt sort of average.

 

Well done though. :)

[Pandawiz3]

thank you for your comment i just needed to wrap up, mycpu wont save anything for some reason. so i had to wrap it up also because my brother cant sleep with its fan making noise so ya.

 

 

 

pandawiz3 \

[Pandawiz3]

i could fix it if wanted

[Pandawiz3]

plz feedback everything that is on your mind about midnight blue rain. One of the questions i want to know is if i should continue? write as much as wanted and please be truthful.

 

 

 

pandawiz3 \

[Pandawiz3]

Chapter 2: The Choice Between Dark And Light

 

 

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat is that", said Kara. "This is the medallion that Midnight wants me to give you", said Mitsuyama. "Who is Midnight, I have never heard of any one with that na-", Kara was interupted. " Yet you talk to him every night and you tell him your life!", Mitsuyama said very boldly. Kara kept looking at the medallion and for a while he thought he was gonna try to ascape. " Follow me and you will not be killed like every one else" Mitsuyama said. Kara was stunned at the thought that if he refused, Mitsuyama would kill him. " The assasin's name is Tentahe and she is my mother, suprisingly Iwould love too kill her right now" Mitsuyama said with a slight giggle. " She left me with my brother and sister when I was 8 years old and I saw her kill my father because he didn't give her a pen as quick as she wanted" He said. As Kara listenned to him speak, he thought in his head about the name Midnight. " Midnight talks to you through the rain" Mitsuyama said. " he is trapped in Horradian, it is a under-water city. The only way tro get there is by walking if not the portal will not open. Sounds so stupid to me but whatever makes it harder for us, my mom will love more" he said. " What does your mom want anyway?" said Kara. "Well she wants you for the reason of making a reincarnation"

 

More soon, pm if you like it so far. I still have tons coming! Not much but time for bed :roll:

 

 

 

pandawiz3 \

[archimage_a]

Umm not really as gripping...and it should all be in the same topic really.

 

 

 

Ok to be honest I didn't like it half as much as the first one...I think it sort of fell down somewhere between the spelling and the feelings inside it.

 

I think if you wanted to improve it then you should spell check it quickly and I don't know, expand the characters a little bit more...I know you are writing this fairly quickly but still, you need to expand the characters because to be honest I don't care about them enough to be worried. In the first chapter I was worried and now....Sort of 'Oh this guys dad died...shame but I didn't really know him....so doesn't effect me really...'

 

You have to put the emotions inside, maybe in a flashback or something...not he giggled a bit...

[Pandawiz3]

well there is way more to the thing about his dad. It comes later, I just am not finished. My computer doesn't save for some reason so i have to put more coming soon. I don't want to say anything about his father yet because it will reveal a lot and will confuse you. So just wait for that, the rest is kinda true. i did like the first one best. Always the Original!!!!!!!! :wall:

[ForsakenMage]

Merged with original. Please, if you intend on writing a story with multiple chapters, put them all in one thread.

 

 

 

My recommendation for writing would be just getting a regular piece of paper and pencil or pen, then write it down, THEN type it up on a word processor that has spell check and grammar. It'll help you immensely if you're really having problems saving your stuff on the computer.