i wander this place with envouis eyes,

 

seeking the things i may never have,

 

i see your hands together,

 

i hear your laughter,

 

and i envy what you have,

 

something that i lost once,

 

and may never find again.

 

it seems that every time theres a light at the end of this tunnel,

 

it turns out to be a train barreling down the tracks,

 

and i wouldnt care about anything else,

 

if i could just have someone in my grasp...

not tortured enough!

 

 

 

Okay, but not a masterful work (for this library)

Ummm as Xewleer said its not really great....Its ok and I definately know what you are talking about...Its just I bit too...Direct.

 

Poetry is the art of metaphor and of creatively saying alot of different random things, some relate to your point and others might hide it.

 

 

 

Then again your lack of grammar checking sort of let it down a peg or two...Not expecting grade one English from anyone but you could capitalise the letters.

 

 

 

Have was repeated far too many times for the poem...it ended two lines and lines were similar...So it felt like you were just searching for a slightly different way to say the same thing...Overall it wasn't by any means masterful...but it had meaning so

 

6-7 out of 10

 

3/3 for meaning

 

1/3 for grammar

 

2-3/4 for overal readablity(How easy it was to read and understand, verses the simplistic-ness and boring-ness)

Ummm as Xewleer said its not really great....Its ok and I definately know what you are talking about...Its just I bit too...Direct.

 

Poetry is the art of metaphor and of creatively saying alot of different random things, some relate to your point and others might hide it.

 

 

 

Then again your lack of grammar checking sort of let it down a peg or two...Not expecting grade one English from anyone but you could capitalise the letters.

 

 

 

Have was repeated far too many times for the poem...it ended two lines and lines were similar...So it felt like you were just searching for a slightly different way to say the same thing...Overall it wasn't by any means masterful...but it had meaning so

 

6-7 out of 10

 

3/3 for meaning

 

1/3 for grammar

 

2-3/4 for overal readablity(How easy it was to read and understand, verses the simplistic-ness and boring-ness)

 

 

 

Yeah, that sums it all up.

 

Whilst having a word once or twice, in such a short poem would have been ok. However, you have majorly over used it.

 

 

 

Is ok, but I am sure if you spent a few more minutes in can be improved.

I aggree that it's a little too direct. Make it slightly more ambiguous, just to make it interesting and thought provoking, and try to be a little more poetic...

 

 

 

otherwise? amen...

Five kittens out of ten.

 

The whole thing was rather too Emoy for my taste. The grammar book was just completely chucked out the window at some parts, and the poem was just too blunt. For a good poem, you need to be more subtle about your thoughts and meanings' it keeps the reader 'guessing'.