Harakiri Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 almost done with the revise...after that...NEW CHAPTER! Yay...yipee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harakiri Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 My rewriting of the original version from when i was a kid will be done tommorrow so expect more tomorrow. I have way to much going on and rewriting a long as hell story can take a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unoalexi Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 The ultimate weapon: A huge cyborg with shotguns attached to his arm who will (I will give this away) get in a swordfight with Zach where Zach uses two swords and he uses a small pistol... Cliche!! ...this story is really going down hill fast -.- Here be dragons ^ Dragon of the Day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harakiri Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 The ultimate weapon: A huge cyborg with shotguns attached to his arm who will (I will give this away) get in a swordfight with Zach where Zach uses two swords and he uses a small pistol... Cliche!! ...this story is really going down hill fast -.- I understand your frustations and thankfully, I got rid of a lot of the bad guys who I found way too...overused. The clone was a main guy in the story and thats it. I will continue without it and next chapter I will explain what god had been doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harakiri Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 Chapter 5: Gods plan God could take no shape. He was the embodiment of everything. He is everyone. He see's everything. Satan and God had made a deal. God would not interfere with Hell. God would never go there. But, the contract never said anything about watching Satan. It was against what He wanted to do but Satan was the biggest evil in the universe. He knew Satans plans. He knew about Jack. But, he was not going to interfere. Like I said, He cannot take one form. But he can put enough of his power into one person. Zach Archer was the one who would destroy Satan. God saw the future. He knew what would happen. He knew a war would start. **** Bob stared at his fake son. Bob created him so he had someone to care about. He wanted a son but not a golden eye. "Why did you frame me and Zach?" Bob asked. "You abandoned me!" "I did not! I secluded you! You were a menace to society!" "I want you dead!" "No you don't. You are just mad that I left you in a cell for 5 years because of your anger!" "I hate you! I was angry at you! Live with it!" "Why did you rob..." "The bank?" "Yes!" "Because, I would need money to set up my own lab!" "And where would this lab be?" "In a little pent house in New York City." Bob found a chair and sat down, they would have a lot to talk about. **** Zach drove to the new place he applied a job for. McDonalds. Wow. Zach walked in in his uniform and automatically was directed to the fryer where fries were in the frying basket. He pulled the basket up and dumped the fries into a cardboard container. Zach did this all day and then left. He left to James' house. James had a rather nice house with about two acres of land he owned around it. Zach called it the shooting range. Zach knocked on a door and James opened it and huddled him in. "There is something I need to talk to you about!" James exclaimed. "What?" "Some guy who looks like you owns a penthouse next to one of my friends." "Who's your friend?" "No one you know. Anyway he says he looks exactly like you." "How would he know if he doesn't know me?" "That picture of me and you with that bazooka." "Good times." "Yup." "Anyway, I think you should go there and meet the guy." "Oh yay." "Here, I'll give you the address..." **** Dark Zach heard a knock on the door. He had just returned from Easter Island and was setting up his lab. Dark Zach opened the door to a guy who looked exactly like him. "Hi, who the hell are you and why do you look like me?" TBC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Um the only thing that is majorly problematic with this story is that it has a terrible vocab... 'frying' for instance is use the same word about 3 times in so many sentances... Apart from that? Its not half bad, just a reads a bit childishly, as though someone wrote this who was following a plan to the letter and just expanding on very small points, not actually letting the story take them on a journey. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unoalexi Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Um the only thing that is majorly problematic with this story is that it has a terrible vocab... 'frying' for instance is use the same word about 3 times in so many sentances... Apart from that? Its not half bad, just a reads a bit childishly, as though someone wrote this who was following a plan to the letter and just expanding on very small points, not actually letting the story take them on a journey. +1 -.- Also, COMBINE YOUR SENTENCES!!! The transition words were put in our language for a reason! Here be dragons ^ Dragon of the Day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Egad!!! leave people alone!!!! Lol anyway you don't need to combine every sentance that you can. Unlike me a vast majority of people actually use full stops rather than Commas...It makes very little difference in reading the story and perhaps you could put it in your sig...because you seem to say it everytime on every story... Well almost every story, I am not attacking you. I am just saying that you don't need to tell people to combine their sentance with such tinasity(SP) On another point would be nice if you could read BlueJay Chronicals...I like having mistakes pointed out when they improve the story. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unoalexi Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Egad!!! leave people alone!!!! Lol anyway you don't need to combine every sentance that you can. Unlike me a vast majority of people actually use full stops rather than Commas...It makes very little difference in reading the story and perhaps you could put it in your sig...because you seem to say it everytime on every story... Well almost every story, I am not attacking you. I am just saying that you don't need to tell people to combine their sentance with such tinasity(SP) On another point would be nice if you could read BlueJay Chronicals...I like having mistakes pointed out when they improve the story. I know, but every sentence is a little much, don't you think? Here be dragons ^ Dragon of the Day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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