Plague

[Purple_Fury]

Chapter One

 

 

 

A thin, pallid man skittered around the fountains of Leanfare, clutching the gas mask attached to his thin, cadaverous face. He collapsed shortly before reaching the burned gates of the palace, falling under the heavy layer of yellow mist curling near the broken cobblestone street.

 

"My son! Anybody! Priest? Father Elwigg? Is that you? Its Olly, Father Elwigg..." The man swatted at the air, desperate to stand.

 

A clunky wagon weighted down with corpses rolled down the main street, driven by a young man wearing a gas mask. It was pulled by a small donkey, also equipped with the lifesaving face wear. "Hullo, citizen?" The driver called.

 

"Father Elwigg? Is it really you?" The man's voice was weak and sickly.

 

"Father Elwigg has been dead for three years, Purvis. Would you like a lift home?"

 

"Oh Hawkfram, its Olly. Olly's laid down for a bit of a nap and I simply cannot wake him for his supper!" The cloudy sky began to rain a greyish, acidic rain.

 

"No, Purvis. Olly is dead, like the rest of the children. They've all died, Purvis. Would you like a ride back to the house?"

 

No answer.

 

"Purvis, do you hear me? Its beginning to rain, come on now."

 

The only sound was the rain echoing off of the empty market place. Hawkfram sighed, and tapped his donkey with a thin pole. "Woah there, Paddy. Good ole' boy." The wagon stopped short of Purvis's corpse. The old man had taken his gas mask off, therefore suffocated by the choking clouds of thick, viral smog.

 

Hawkfram leaped from his seat, and hurled the twig-like body up into the back of his cart. "On now, Paddy. Miriam will be expecting us home for supper."

 

The cark sagged under the weight of the bodies, and began to make its way down the crumbling streets on its way to the dump on the far side of the city.

[Beaumonde]

I know there is the whole "New paragraph every time a character speaks" rule, but it just makes the story look choppy. Try making nice sized paragraphs, looks like you have one or two so far. And is that the whole first chapter or are you still writing?

[Purple_Fury]

I know there is the whole "New paragraph every time a character speaks" rule, but it just makes the story look choppy. Try making nice sized paragraphs, looks like you have one or two so far. And is that the whole first chapter or are you still writing?

 

 

 

Thanks for the comment! I'll definetly try the paragraph thing. As far as the chapter goes, that was short only because it was a bit of an intro.

[Unoalexi]

I know there is the whole "New paragraph every time a character speaks" rule, but it just makes the story look choppy. Try making nice sized paragraphs, looks like you have one or two so far. And is that the whole first chapter or are you still writing?

 

 

 

Thanks for the comment! I'll definetly try the paragraph thing. As far as the chapter goes, that was short only because it was a bit of an intro.

 

 

 

Look, having a protoluge or an introduction is perfectly fine.. but it should definately be longer than just a single paragraph! Treat it as if it were a chapter, or even half a chapter.. Also, putting a line break between paragraphs helps..