This is the beginning to a new story I'm starting on, please leave your C&C on here...If you are going to leave your hate mail, please make it constructive at least...Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]It was Monday again, time to start school after a fun weekend. "Why do they have to do this to us?", thought Noah to himself. But, there was something not right, and Noah could feel it in the air. It was almost a sense of dread but excitement. "Oh well, forget it, it's going to be just another boring day at school." Noah thought to himself. He passed through the doors to his school and glanced in every other classroom to check if anything was happening. No, of course there wasn't anything that could actually be considered interesting. But, as he passed his classroom, he noticed something out of place, there was something written in red marker on the board. He steps into the classroom to check out the message, as it might be from the teacher, saying they have a substitute. A flurry of excitement ran through his chest at the possibility of a hopeless sub to make fun of the whole day, but as he took that step into the class room, he stared at the message, making sure he was reading it okay. Maybe it's his eye, he never did get it fully fixed. The message read "No, this is not a joke".

 

 

 

"What the hell?". That was the last thought he had before he passed out. A man in full black ran over to make sure he was out cold, signaled the universal sign for okay at the figure of Jesus Christ over the board, and ran off through the door.[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]It had all worked out just as the boss had said it would when he had drawn up the plans with Marell in the tiny coffee shop, located in the outskirts of town. It was simple really, Marell was going to be given a fake identity as Mr. Rogers, he was to enter the building as a substitute pre-algebra teacher on Thursday, the same day the school was scheduled to have a tornado drill. When the drill began, every single one of the kids in the middle school building would file into the hallways, there he was to announce the boss' plans and directions. The plans that The Boss wanted Marell to announce were that every student in the middle school building was to be isolated into groups of four, away from one another. After that was through, Marell was to wait in the teachers lounge for The Boss' call.

 

Meanwhile, in a different part of the school, in a dusty, old, moldy closet under the music room, a kid by the name of Noah [bleep]erson was waking up from what seemed to be a long sleep. The funny thing was he couldn't remember anything about that morning, the even funnier thing was that he was in a room with three of the most popular girls in the school. There was Sarah Lowe, a pretty brunette in the seventh grade. Holly Masters, another pretty brunette but she was a grade up and her boyfriend was one of Noah's' good friends, so she was off-limits. "It's funny how even after a boy has woken up and has no clue where he is or why he is there, they immediately think of girls, gah, oh well, I'm a teenager, I feel no shame." thought Noah to himself as he turned to inspect the last member of his little brigade. A brunette with perfect skin and amazing eyes that seemed to absorb everything you said and understand you completely, this was one of his very many exes', the only one that did not hate his guts.

 

"Where are we"?

 

"Oh, so you're up now are you sleeping beauty"? Holly said with a giggle.

 

"Ha ha, very funny, where are we?" He said as he turned around to take in the rest of his surroundings, which weren't much, just a moldy old closet with a mop and a few brooms, and the basketballs for the teams when their sports season came back around.

 

"I have no..."

 

"Hm?" Noah turned to see why she hadn't finished her sentence, its because standing there in the doorway was a new arrival, a man dressed in all black with a black hanker chef covering his mouth and nose, leaving only his eyes visible to Noah. But that's all Noah needed to see, he would never forget those eyes, it all came flooding back to him, everything from this morning, the message on the board, the man in the black, and those eyes, those cold ruthless eyes. It was too much for Noah to handle. He fainted.

 

Noah woke to the sound of voices and the smell of cherry blossom perfume, it was like Heaven on Earth, he slowly opened his eyes to find himself on a cot in the same old moldy closet he had passed out in merely hours ago. "So it had not been a dream." he thought to himself. He slowly closed his eyes, but opened them wide open again when he heard Holly giggling, when he opened them, she was standing over him like a little girl at Christmas, Noah did not understand why, until Sarah asked him if he had had a nice dream, Noah looked down and turned beet red. He had an erection. Then the man in the mask saved him, how ironic, by entering the room just as Sarah was about to say another comment.

 

"Group number 116, Sarah Lowe, Holly Masters, Alexa Mikel, and Noah [bleep]erson, correct?" He continued to survey his clipboard, but glanced up when they did not immediately respond. They did not respond because they were all standing around the one boy in the room. He drifted over to inspect what they were so absorbed in.

 

"Oh put it away." Marell said. "I'm sure these ladies don't want to see your manly hood, and neither do I. Now go get changed."

 

Noah hopped out of the cot and ran as swiftly as he could behind the door to change.

 

"Make it quick would ya?" Marell asked Noah.

 

He stepped out a couple of minutes later looking spotless AND erection less.

 

"Alright, all of you listen up, the boss sent me to explain a few things to you, though I don't know why." Marell stated.

 

"Woo woo woo, whose this 'boss' man and why should I listen to you?" Noah bravely exclaimed.

 

"I have no clue who the boss is, and even if I did, I would not tell you. And if you interrupt me one more time, I will blow your brains off, got it punk?" Marell scorned, clearly angered by Noah's bravery.

 

"Yes sir." Noah said in a hushed voice.

 

"Good, now the boss sent a few of my buddies and I to hold you guys here for a while, so just stay put and stay calm, and also, I should warn you, if you even attempt to flee the school, the boss has given me permission to finish you." With that, Marell left the room without another word.

 

Meanwhile, in a moving van outside the school, a ridiculously tall man in a Grey suit was observing this particular room with keen interest.

 

"That boy will be great for The Counsel Games, as I have decided to call them."

 

"Yes, um, sir, about that." Said a small voice coming from an even smaller man. "What exactly are these games, and why are you doing them?"

 

"Sherman, these are games that will be used to test these young peoples strength, intellect, and courage. But most of all, it will test how far they would be willing to go to save each other." With that he turned his attention to the next room Marell had gone to, and turned his back on Sherman.[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]They had not exactly given their hostages A-class accommodation, there were only three cots for them to sleep on, a pile of newspapers in the corner which they called a bathroom, and a door with a mail sized hole drilled into it for their food. Not exactly a penthouse suite. And there was no way I'm going to be able to escape, especially if I want to bring these girls with me. Noah thought to himself gloomily.

 

"Why are they keeping us here like animals?" Noah asked himself, directing his question more to himself than to the girls.

 

"Hush, Alexa is trying to sleep" said Holly as she drifted over toward Noah from the foot of Alexa's bed.

 

"Well, that man said the boss wanted us here for some type of games. Maybe we will play a big tournament of soccer or something." said Sarah as she joined them from her sleep.

 

"Sorry, but that man in the black did not strike me as the soccer type, and besides, why would they kidnap the whole school for some soccer game? No, it has to be something more important than that. Maybe we are on some reality T.V show, you know? Maybe they will test our skills and pay us?" Before Noah could go on any longer. A voice from the doorway said.

 

"Oh how wrong the both of you are." All three of the kids in the room nearly jumped out of their shoes, for a colossal man with brown hair and a goatee that was neatly trimmed entered the room, he was wearing an expensive Grey suit that you could tell was custom made for him. He must of been at least six feet tall, and he walked with the authority of a CEO at a big shot company. He looked to be about thirty years, but he walked with the confidence of a college kid.

 

"Hello, sorry to have startled you, but my name is Rodney, and I'm what you might call the 'boss' of this whole operation. But I'm afraid that is all I can tell you about my personal life. Now please, have a seat." He said with such power that you could tell was more of a demand than a request. "Can I have Marell get you anything?"

 

"We're fine" Noah managed to croak. With that, Rodney turned his attention to Noah.

 

"Ah the one boy in Room 116. I've seen you around before."

 

Noah was both startled and curious by what he had just said. But all he managed to ask was, "Why have you taken us hostage?"

 

"In good time, good time my young friend." Rodney exclaimed in a surprisingly high pitched voice. "For now, all I can say is get suited up in these." With that he threw four pairs of bathing suits, three bikinis and one set of swim trunks onto the bed. "And be ready in thirty minutes for Marell. You're about to get your first taste of The Counsel Games." With that he turned and closed the door behind him, it locked into place as soon as it swung close. Leaving the group to yet again wonder what was going on.[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]It was thirty minutes later on the dot that Marell stood waiting at the doorway as Holly finished putting on her jump suit.

 

"Okay, all done, so where are you taking us exactly?" Asked Holly as she fell in behind Marell and the other three.

 

"To your first challenge."

 

The four students stopped once they heard that. Once Marell noticed that there were no footsteps besides his echoing off the walls, he turned to find the four staring down the hallway that looked to have been hit by a tornado.

 

"Where is everyone?" Holly asked in a shaky voice.

 

"Ah yes, I seem to have neglected to mention that the boss, Rodney, seems to be only interested in your group, my most sincere apologies go out to you all." He said in an anything but apologetic voice.

 

"What happened to the others?" demanded both Sarah and Holly, who had boyfriends in different groups.

 

"What were their names?"

 

"Richard and Michael."

 

"Ah yes, group 101. Test run for Project Fight Pit, four fatalities, no survivors." He looked up from his clipboard with a look of sheer malice in his eyes. "No one survived from that group.

 

Sarah and Holly broke down into sobs, Holly crying on Noah's' shoulder, Sarah crying on her own.

 

"Now keep walking." He ordered.

 

When they arrived in the gym, all the group could do was stare in disbelief, this wasn't their gym anymore, it was a massive coliseum type thing, the type you only see in movies or pictures, and it was absolutely empty, completely desolate. It was like Staples Center when the Lakers were playing an away game. There was a press box at the very top of the Coliseum, and dead center.

 

Noah reached up and shaded his eyes to see Rodney sitting up there, with a small man at his side, fidgeting. They seemed to be in a deep argument, til Rodney noticed the kids enter. He motioned for his servant, as Noah came to call him, to leave. Rodney then leaned forward and spoke into a microphone, projecting his voice throughout the whole stadium through well concealed speakers.

 

"Ah, do you like what I've done with the place?" Rodney said.

 

"Oh screw you!" Yelled Sarah, with tears pouring down her cheeks, Holly was still in a state of shock from the news of her boyfriends death.

 

"What was that, I can't understand you."

 

Sarah shouted, "understand this!" And stuck up the bird.

 

"Get their pads on." Rodney said into the microphone, directed at Marell.

 

"What event are they going to be doing exactly, Mr. Rodney?"

 

"The Fight Pits." said a menacing voice full of glee and malice.[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]They had no clue what the fight pits were, but they did not have to ponder it for long, because just as Alexa was about to ask the question everyone was thinking, the short man named Sherman entered.

 

"Hello, I'm Sherman and I'm pretty much Mr. Rodney's right hand man, he sent me here to explain the rules of the fight pits, the game your about to play, to you. First of all, you will all be thrown into the middle of the coliseum Marell showed you earlier today, with only your fists and the clothes on your body to fight with. From the North and East doors your opponents will enter, now I must warn you, if you attempt to escape, Marell is a little trigger happy, and he as been given the green light, if you know what I mean.

 

Now, are we all ready?" Without waiting for a reply, he briskly started walking to a large door to the right.

 

The children had to slow down a lot to let the much smaller man, with much smaller legs, lead them to God knows where.

 

The first thing Noah noticed was that Rodney had lied to them all, not all the other students had been killed, there were at least five still alive, they were all standing in the center of the coliseum, there were two seventh graders, a sixth grader, and one lonely eight grade boy, it was the eight grade boy that Holly was staring back with a mixture of disbelief and joy, when she started crying, at first Noah sensed they were tears of joy at the sight of the boy, but then Noah noticed them turn into something different, they were sobs of grief, Sarah noticed this to. "Whats the matter Holly?" Sarah said while putting her arm around the sobbing girl to comfort her.

 

"Don't you remember the rules of the game? We have to fight them, how am I supposed to fight my boyfriend?" With that, she turned her back on Sarah and broke down into uncontrollable sobs.[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide=]Sarah did not have time to answer, because the very next second, Sherman entered saying "You guys are on in a minute, get ready." With that, four trainers entered from the same door he just came through, and suited up the children in elbow pads and lastly put their mouth guards in, one of the trainers leaned in especially close to Noah, saying "I will find you if you survive, do not try and find me, and do not say I talked to you or I will deny it, good luck. With that, Sherman came back through the door, and pushed the four contestants through the door into the colliseum.

 

Noah, Sarah, Alexa, and Holly stepped through the door to find themselves in a completely different colliseum, the colliseum before had been completely empty and desolute, while this one today was filled to the brim with people, the people looked so excited you would think it was a football game they were watching, not kids about to fight to the death.

 

"There is something weird about these people, I just can't put my finger on what it is."

 

"You mean besides the fact they came to watch a death match between minors?" Holly said in her usually sassy voice.

 

"Yeah, besides that." Noah said, from a faraway place in his mind as he turned to observe the rest of the coliseum. He turned to his left, and looked straight up at the box.

 

Ah, the first players have arrived, please, everyone, quiet down. Said the voice from the speakers.

 

The crowd went quiet immediately, no more people talking, or babies crying.

 

This first game is a little challenging, and could get violent, so if you have children, you might want to take them outside.

 

Not a single person in the stands moved.

 

Now, the rules of the game are simple. Said the voice, half explaining it to the crowd, half to the four children. There will be no attempting to flee the arena, no biting or scratching, no kicking, and no killing, if you can avoid it that is. He let out a menacing chuckle.

 

The objective of the game is simple, just like every computer game any of you have ever played, or boxing match, you all will be placed in the center of the ring, a four on four death match you could say, if you are thrown out of the ring, you are disqualified, if you flee the ring, you are disqualified. You may use whatever force is necessary, and just completely forget your fighting girls.

 

Please, players, get ready to fight.

 

With that, the four children drifted over to the arena, where the other four students were glowering at them.

 

Next thing Noah knew, the voice in speakers bellowed.

 

Lets get it on! Just like any UFC youve ever seen. Except of course that this fight was to the death, and not two twenty-five year olds beating each others faces in, a bunch of teenagers.

 

Noah was so absorbed in his daydream, that he did not see the two sixth graders coming at him, they looked terrified, but also there was something else Noah could see in their eyes, it wasnt human. They both threw Noah to the ground, and one of them mounted Noah, and with tears in his eyes, whispered, Im sorry Noah, they threatened to kill us all. That was when the kid started reigning punch after punch on Noah's face, it was about the fourth or fifth punch, that Noah realized that this was for real, and that no one was going to stop this kid from beating Noah to death.

 

With strength Noah did not even know he had, he threw the kid off him and out under the ropes of the ring outside of it. Next he turned to the other sixth grader and kicked him in the chest, and rolled him under the ropes outside the ring as well.

 

Then came a roundhouse kick from one of the seventh grade girl that Noah had completely forgotten about, it hit Noah right on his left jawbone, and just as the girl came to punch Noah, he ducked below one of her punches, and brought his elbow up into her gut. She let out and unmistakeably, human moan of pain. Noah felt immense pity for her, but he also knew that if he did not get her out of the ring, all the other girls may die, when the girls came to his mind, he turned to check on how they were doing. It was now a two on one in Noah's favor.

 

The first thing he noticed was that the last remaining girl, whose face he could not see, was being beaten to a pulp by the eight grade boy, there was something poring down the boys face, and it wasnt red, the boy was crying. Pretty soon he just stopped punching her, and wept on her shoulder. Noah ran to the girl, pushed the boy off her and out of bounds.

 

He then turned his attention back to the girl, and when he noticed that it was Holly, though it was hard to tell threw all her bruises, he understood why the upperclassman had been crying, the sick bastard named Rodney had forced the eight grader to beat his own girlfriend.

 

Noah then looked up at the box where the sick bastard was, Mr. Rodney, and yelled You are going to pay for this! He then felt a sharp pain in his right thigh, felt his head go woozy, and next thing he knew, or saw, was falling to the ground. The last thing he saw before passing out was Marell standing fifty feet away, grinning like a hound, with a tranquilizer gun in his hand.[/hide]

This is three chapters? Breaks would help.

I only read the first two paragraphs, but found quite a few things you may want to consider.

 

 

 

It was Monday again, time to start school after a fun weekend. "Why do they have to do this to us?", thought Chris to himself.

 

Why do who have to do what to us?

 

 

 

But, there was something not right, and Chris could feel it in the air.

 

 

 

You should avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions.

 

 

 

It was almost a sense of dread yet also excitement.

 

...dread and excitement

 

or

 

...dread but excitement

 

not "yet also" as that sounds a bit conflicting

 

 

 

Oh well, forget it, it's going to be just another boring day at school.

 

It sounds as though this is Chris's thought and not the narrator's. Be careful to maintain your point-of-view throughout the story.

 

 

 

No, of course ther wasn't anything that could actually be considered interesting. But, as he passed his classroom, he noticed something out of place, there was something written in red marker on the board.

 

There is a typo in the first sentence. You started the next sentence with "but" again.

 

 

 

The reason this is odd is because one of his jobs on Friday afternoons is to clean the board before he leaves, he's sure no-one has been in it over the weekend.

 

It's not a good idea to break off in the middle of the story to give blatant explanations to your readers. You need enough evidence in the story to allow the readers to understand on their own the circumstance. Spelling it out like this weakens the story and slows the plot down. Also, "no one" does not need a hyphen.

 

 

 

He steps into the classroom to check out the message, as it might be from the teacher, saying they have a substitute. A flurry of excitement runs through his chest at the possibility of a hopeless sub to make fun of the whole day, but as he takes that step into the class room, he stares at the message, making sure he's reading it okay.

 

You changed to a present tense here. Stick to the same tense throughout your story. Classroom is one word.

 

 

 

A man in full black ran over to make sure he was out cold, signalled the universal sign for okay at the figure of jesis Cheist over the board, and ran off through the door.

 

Jesus Christ

 

 

 

 

 

I'll try to read more later. Good luck.

When you say I changed into the present tense, would you mind clarifying how exactly I did that? Like which word?

 

Other than that, thank you so much for your constructive criticism, I think it might help me to become a better writer, and I hope you will come back to reading more.

Is jesis Cheist supposed to be funny, or just a play on the name to make a more original story?

 

 

 

By the way, welcome to the library. I am your supreme overlord, Ratchet.

Actually, I misspelled Jesus Christ, wasn't supposed to happen...

 

 

 

Would you mind defining overlord?

Actually, I misspelled Jesus Christ, wasn't supposed to happen...

 

 

 

Would you mind defining overlord?

 

 

 

Um...the guy who likes to think he runs this place... :lol:

Ohh...I see, okay, please to meet you then Mr. Warlord...:)

Yes, welcome to the Varrock Library brave poster. It does not have as much as activity as it used to, but it's still one of the better forums on here, and seems to have a pretty tight knit community. Don't be afraid to criticise, chastise, or idolize.

When you say I changed into the present tense, would you mind clarifying how exactly I did that? Like which word?

 

 

 

Certainly. Your story begins in the past tense, meaning your verbs are written in the past tense. Later you begin writing present tense verbs.

 

 

 

Ex: this passage is written in past tense. I've bolded and italicized some verbs as example.

 

 

 

It was Monday again, time to start school after a fun weekend. "Why do they have to do this to us?", thought Noah to himself. But, there was something not right, and Chris could feel it in the air. It was almost a sense of dread but excitement. "Oh well, forget it, it's going to be just another boring day at school." Noah thought to himself. He passed through the doors to his school and glanced in every other classroom to check if anything was happening. No, of course there wasn't anything that could actually be considered interesting. But, as he passed his classroom, he noticed something out of place, there was something written in red marker on the board.

 

 

 

The next passage shifts from the past tense to the present tense:

 

 

 

He steps into the classroom to check out the message, as it might be from the teacher, saying they have a substitute. A flurry of excitement runs through his chest at the possibility of a hopeless sub to make fun of the whole day, but as he takes that step into the class room, he stares at the message, making sure he's reading it okay.

 

 

 

and then it drifts back into the past tense:

 

 

 

"What the hell?". That was the last thought he had before he passed out. A man in full black ran over to make sure he was out cold, signaled the universal sign for okay at the figure of Jesus Christ over the board, and ran off through the door.

 

 

 

Let's take the verb "pass." The active present tense would be passes, and the past tense of the verb would be passed. He passes through the doorway. He passed through the doorway.

 

 

 

It's important to maintain the same tense for continuity in the story. It doesn't really matter which you choose though. Many short stories tend to use a present tense, while many novels tend to use past tense.

 

 

 

It's a common mistake among beginner writers. I used to do it myself until somebody caught me. I still see many students making this mistake in my college classes.

 

 

 

Hope this helps clear it up a bit.

Thank you Jp7725 for clearing it up, I see what you mean, and now that I look back, its a mistake my teachers are always criticizing me for...GAH! Thank you again for both of your help, and now if I may ask, what did you think of it story wise? Did you enjoy it?

 

 

 

By the way, I fixed those mistakes for you.

Aside from a few grammatical issues, I think the story is interesting. I would like to see a little more bravery or action from your protagonist, but your antagonists are developing well.

 

 

 

It's really hard to form an opinion about the story because it's just begun to set up the plot. It's a creative beginning though. It kept my interest and I did enjoy it. There are some revisions that could be made, but I wouldn't consider anything until you have the full story written. Revising is easier. I encourage you to finish what you've got. I like it so far. I wouldn't post if I didn't.

Oh God that was so awkward reading my name in conjunction with a horny junior high kid.

 

 

 

Don't make this some creepy Freud-fest. One guy and three apparently attractive girls who are now being suited up in bikinis, oh boy.

 

 

 

Work on dialogue. Noah's (ack my name) attempt at bravery and the dude's response to it just sort of flopped.

 

 

 

Firefox spell check says "ginormous" is a word, but I don't think you'll be taken very seriously using it.

Aside from a few grammatical issues, I think the story is interesting. I would like to see a little more bravery or action from your protagonist, but your antagonists are developing well.

 

 

 

It's really hard to form an opinion about the story because it's just begun to set up the plot. It's a creative beginning though. It kept my interest and I did enjoy it. There are some revisions that could be made, but I wouldn't consider anything until you have the full story written. Revising is easier. I encourage you to finish what you've got. I like it so far. I wouldn't post if I didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

A little more bravery I believe will be coming from the main character, Noah, in the next couple of chapters. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and I would love it if you could tell me your take on the chapter I just updated it with.

 

 

 

@N0M_AN0R

 

 

 

My name is Noah to, hehe, this story sort of came out of my day dreams, but no, its not really a story of where I'm going to...Get with the girls, you know, its Middle School...Sorry bout the flop I guess...And ginormous..I found a synonym and replaced it...:)

 

 

 

Hope you all enjoy chapter 4 that I just posted..

Updated with Chapter 4.

 

 

 

Leave your C&C please!

Yeah, it does seem like something out of someone's daydreams. I don't think you need to change anything but try to keep the rest of the story a bit more believable.

 

 

 

Plot's getting good. Keep it up.

Hey Embraced? Pools Closed! LULZ!

 

 

 

Llamster, you liek mudkipz???

 

 

 

The mods were really working hard to make this the most childish, yet somehow fun, April Fools day.

If I made it any more believable, it would not be my day dream... :o

 

 

 

 

 

But, I will try I guess, I don't know...Glad to see your enjoying it Llamster...And Ratchet, can you not find another topic to post that stuff?

If I made it any more believable, it would not be my day dream... :o

 

 

 

 

 

But, I will try I guess, I don't know...Glad to see your enjoying it Llamster...And Ratchet, can you not find another topic to post that stuff?

 

 

 

Nope, but if you want my opinion, your story is good! Not great, but it's still turning out pretty good.

Okay, uhm, thank you I guess?

 

 

 

 

 

Updated with Chapter 5!

 

 

 

Leave your C&C.

Okay, uhm, thank you I guess?

 

 

 

 

 

Updated with Chapter 5!

 

 

 

Leave your C&C.

 

 

 

Still pretty good. Keep working on it, and any real criticisms I'll leave to the professionals.

 

"Okay, all done, so where are you taking us exactly?" Holly asked as she fell in like behind Marell and the other three.

 

I would also remove the period after the quotes since the entire thing is in quotations.

 

 

 

With that, both Sarah and Holly broke down into sobs, Holly crying on Noah's' shoulder, Sarah crying on her own.

 

There isn't a need to connect this. Your readers will naturally follow along action=reaction sequences.

 

 

 

They seemed to be in a deep argument, until Rodney noticed the kids enter. He beckoned for his servant, as Noah came to call him, to leave.

 

Beckoned usually means to motion someone to come closer. Try "He motioned for his servant..."

 

 

 

"What was that? I can't understand you."

 

"Understand this!" Sarah shouted, and stuck up the one sign everyone, anywhere in the world can understand, she gave him the bird. Oh how I' m going to enjoy this, thought Rodney.

 

Your point of view during this chapter has been more or less from Noah and the other kids. You can't flip in the middle and start reading Rodney's thoughts. If the group is close enough to see Rodney's actions, then try using his physical actions to get your point across.

 

 

 

I haven't read Chapter 5 yet. I'll try to get to it soon.

Corrected it.

 

 

 

 

 

So, again, what did you think about the whole story in general in chapter 4?

Updated it with the next chapter, chapter 6 I do believe...

 

 

 

Leave all your grammar C&C...

 

 

 

Also, don't forget to tell me if you enjoyed it or not!

Nobody likes it? Comeon guys, leave your C&C...