self-analysis

[archangel]

I see no reason for hope and despair.

 

All things are meant to be, or not to be.

 

Things erode, tarnish, fade, degrade, wear, tear.

 

I am nothing more than what you deem me.

 

 

 

If I should be of importance, describe.

 

Tell me what I am, I am everything.

 

That is a human, that is nature.

 

Hypocritical, mesmerizing, dumb.

 

 

 

I see a cloud of atoms, it is love.

 

I saw her as a person, but she wasn't.

 

She eroded, tarnished, degraded, wear-ed, teared.

 

She didn't fade. She stayed. Important to me.

 

 

 

From her, I see truth. I see what is real.

 

I cried and I sought refuge in myself.

 

I remembered her favorite color, teal.

 

I remembered, I hid inside myself.

 

 

 

An attempt at poetry, I'm more of a prose writer. If I'm a writer at all.

[archimage_a]

Always remember Wordsworth:

 

Prose is the best words, Poetry is the best words in the best order.

 

 

 

He says nothing about rhyme, but implies meter and rhythm, which is really all rhyme adds. So remember also that poems are meant to be read aloud, read them dramatically, move your arms and try to get into the 'narrator's' mind set, because it is also meant to be a spontanous outpouring of a feeling, hence my reprehence at the line:

 

 

 

Erode, tarnish, fade, degrade, wear, tear.

 

 

 

Tarnish has a whip link ending that whips up at the end, so you need a hard sound or a pause after it, not a long f into fade.

 

It is simply not something that comes out from linear thought, it comes out from rethinking, overthinking, because you are looking for synonyms...making it sound harsh.

 

 

 

It is not a bad poem, indeed I loved your lines 'I am nothing more than what you deem me//If I should of importance, describe.'

 

It has that urgent, reaching quality about it, 'I need you to give me substance!'

 

 

 

Just think of poetry as something simple, for simple people...you need to keep everything on one level or have a gentle incline so that they can move up without straining themselves...because you should relax into poetry, not be forcibly pulled though. :D