I see no reason for hope nor despair

 

Things erode-tarnish; suffer wear and tear.

 

And I am nothing more than what you deem me

 

A caged bird. So please, don't free me.

 

 

 

If I should be of substance, then why?

 

Tell me what I am

 

For I am science

 

Or am I nature?

 

 

 

I see a cloud of atoms. And it is love.

 

I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and put out my hand

 

Find she is eroded, tarnished, worn and torn

 

And while silent: I Have touched the face of God.

 

 

 

For her I see truth.I see what is real.

 

In my past I have cried

 

Its now with silvered wings I spiral

 

And glide in those unseen skies.

For me and he

 

Must be he and they

 

Not they and he

 

Nor he than me

 

 

 

Nor she and he

 

For she and me

 

Is she and they

 

Not she with me

 

 

 

So in me and she

 

Must be they and he

 

Or else all are me

 

Not he or she.

 

 

 

Punctuated version

 

[hide=]For me and he

 

Must be he and they,

 

Not they and he

 

Nor he than me,

 

 

 

Nor she and he,

 

For she and me

 

Is she and they,

 

Not she with me,

 

 

 

So in me and she,

 

Must be they and he,

 

Or else all are me,

 

Not he or she.[/hide]

different... :?

different... :?

 

 

 

You've apparently never read something by Archimage.

I see no reason for hope nor despair

 

Things erode-tarnish; suffer wear and tear.

 

And I am nothing more than what you deem me

 

A caged bird. So please, don't free me.

 

 

 

I really like the couplet scheme in the first stanza here. This carries a lot of weight, and could even stand alone. Good job.

 

 

 

If I should be of importance, then describe.

 

Tell me what I am

 

For I am science

 

Or am I nature.

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but the last two lines seem to counter one another. The third line in this stanza appears as a statement, but the last line is clearly inquisitive. The punctuation might need changing to a question mark.

 

 

 

As for the third line, is it supposed to be For am I science?, or is this line intended to be a statement, followed up with the last line second guessing this?

 

 

 

Also, "importance" isn't a bad word to use here, but is there a more romantic, emotional word that could be found?

 

 

 

I see a cloud of atoms. And it is love.

 

I shall slip the surly bonds of Earth and put out my hand

 

Find she is eroded, tarnished, worn and torn

 

And while silent: I Have touched the face of God.

 

 

 

This is purely personal opinion, but I'm not a big fan of using "shall" in a poem. For me, it comes off a bit like fluff in modern poetry. Again, that's personal opinion as it's not incorrect to use.

 

 

 

I do like the imagery returned from the first stanza in the third line here. Nice touch.

 

 

 

For her I see truth. I see what is real.

 

I have cried and

 

Now with silvered wings I climb

 

And glide in those untresspassed skies.

 

 

 

The second line ends on a weak word, and it sticks out with the line being considerably shortest in this stanza. Find a stronger word than "and" to deliver more impact to the reader.

 

 

 

I don't think untresspassed is a word, and even so it makes the last line a little clunky. Consider a new adjective here.

 

 

 

All in all I really liked the sentiments of the poem. Great job, and keep writing. :thumbsup:

Well its slightly edited.

 

 

 

The Science-Nature thing was because science offers certainty, but nature presents the questions.

 

 

 

Thanks for your feedback :thumbsup: