Arus began his day on the beautiful beaches of catherby. He awoke to a cool breeze and the sound of the ocean. The waves washed up upon shore, with foam cresting the pathway. He got outside of his tent and packed up camp. He deposited his tent at the bank, then went to chop willows. The first willow that he cut in catherby was the first willow that he ever chopped down . It was dark brown, with branches outstretched like they were arms. He fell 28 more willows, which he then sold to the common shop. He began wandering around after a lot of fishing so he could eat. He took the long walk to Camelot. He ate his dinner, some lobsters with bread and wine. He camped out in his tent right outside the royal castle of King Arthur. He woke up at 5 am when he heard footsteps and the clanking of armor. But it didnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t seem like it was just a clan passing by. They all wore matching dark black armor with a cyan trim. Some mages in black splitbark armor followed behind the warriors. He shook it off and went back to white wolf mountain to train range. He killed 28 wolves, then went back to King ArthurÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s castle. He walked into the castle, with mud splotched armor and ragged boots and gloves.

 

 

 

King Arthur saw Arus and said, ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬Å Welcome my humble citizen. I am King Arthur of Camelot. What brings you to my castle?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

I dont really feel like reading all that! lol!

i pity who ever wrote that :roll:

the story kinda [developmentally delayed]ed

got bored after skimming through the first few words

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My comments after reading(skimming) the furst few words:

 

 

 

too long

 

 

 

too boring

 

 

 

get a life

 

 

 

too long

 

 

 

do something else with ur free time

 

 

 

too long

I thought it was exceptional, but that does not say much due to the fact that I am not a very good writer. (Oh, and I did not read the whole thing, if I read something as long as that I tend to fall asleep)

I think you're being a little harsh. I've seen worse *cougharchmagecough*. The description and plot is there. It just needs help with paragraphs and doesn't need to be set so firmly in the Runescape world (eg. doing all the boring stuff like cutting down trees and having people with numbers on the end of their names).

*cough*

 

 

 

I am only here and I will tell this archmage, If I ever find him, that you are insulting him

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh and by the way I thought the story was a bit drawn out but that was it.

firstly don't be so harsh on him, this is his first post on these forums. (I normally don't pay much attention to post count but in this case I think its relevent).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I only skimmed through.

 

 

 

State, it you think this is exceptional read some of the other stories on these forums. They are far better. (raven's cabal and dreamweb are good places to start)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think it was bad either, I just think you need more practice writing.

 

 

 

Add more descriptive words, don't use numerals, (instead of 10000, write ten thousand,) unless you are trying to give the impression that you are showing exactly what the message would look like. In that case italicize the message.

 

 

 

Put in more paragraph breaks, and remember to start a new paragraph after each liine of dialouge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Gaal said about the names of characters is true though. Make names realistic if you want people to take your story seriously or if you want to make it a paradoy keep them in but add more stuff like that (see Gaal and Smoke's stories for how to write a paradoy, they're experts)

 

 

 

Other than that its a good rough draft, I really suggest re-writing it and making changes. Your subject is intriguing but flaws in the writing make it seem long and boring.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this your first story or is there anythign else you've written?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS: Gaal, Archamage is actually a good writer he just wastes his time with stupid subjects *coughzaroscough* :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh and one last thing, who thinks I am a complete idiot for giving corrections when I only have one topic on the libary?

I though your topic was scary....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh and I did like the story but you could do with just a slight amount shortening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is anyone aware of this archamage/archmage? Its scary theat I havent seen him/her

nope I haven't found archmage either, I wonder if we are just misspelling archimage?

No cos my stories are the best

No yours are second after two other people's, wait, no, 3rd, no, 4th, wait 5th, no, Oh well, your somewhere in the top hundred