The White Rose

[Guest Rob]

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[Sy_Accursed]

Major issues I see straight away

 

1) Lots of cliche images

2) Use of as - in writing fiction as is your enemy; it makes things happen simultaneously which dissipates the readers focus., that first few lines especially.

 

3) Telling rather than showing. Nearly every emotional tone you have put in could be shown rather than told. Showing is better.

 

3) Awkward syntax - in many places the order of your clauses doesn't have a nice flow to it and the general images feel awkward example:

"I tell her, perhaps with a little bit less honesty, not allowing myself to shed a single tear"

"I glanced to the already packed bag on my messy bed as I tried to soothe her" (also makes it more show, less tell)

 

4) Some bits just kinda fail to make any sense, eg the military vehicles start to pull away THEN the shot is fired. Would make more sense for the shot to be fired THEN the vehicles move away.

 

5) Repetition, over use of the same words and outright repeating the same information. eg

"I try a trick that Rose once taught me a few years ago to try and calm myself down."

 

6) Pacing, sentence length is important in this. In the earlier half you use a fair few shorter sentences which go quickly and kind of form tension, the emotions and events happening here, however, ought to be slow in pace because they are meant to be emotional and complex. Where as at the end where he's been shot and you want it to be fast and chaotic and have a whiff of tension the sentences get longer which makes it slow. eg

"Seeing fear in my sister for the first time that I can remember surprises me enough to temporarily push the recent events out of my mind. I only want to reassure her now, to tell her that things will be okay and that we'll make it out of this mess, despite not being able to fully believe that myself. "

"I saw fear in her eyes. I'd never seen that before. I try to focus. Push it from my mind. I need to reassure Rose. Things will be okay, they have too. We'll find a way, make it out of this mess. I had to believe, for her."

 

7) Try to work on your dialogue it's all rather contrived. It is one of the trickier elements to writing but you want to really listen to, even transcript just normal real people talking and look at it. Real dialogue isn't too the point or grammatically perfect, it meanders and wanders around the issue and different people will say things slightly different ways. Granted in writing you can't wander quite as much as real dialogue does, but you can imitate it enough to make it feel real.

[Guest Rob]

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[Sy_Accursed]

I realised on point 3 I pasted the wrong sentence! The one I rewrote was actually this one:

"I tell her, honestly. I've already packed my bag, which currently rests on the messy sheets of my bed."

[Guest Rob]

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[Guest Rob]

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[Guest Rob]

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[Guest Rob]

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