Firas.

[RadioMime]

I've decided to write a story to keep me busy while I'm skilling.

 

 

 

I'm only 13 years old and this is my first attempt at writing (other than school); so don't expect the grammar and everything to be perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here it goes..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Introduction:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As he bent down beside his mother, he felt pain. Pain of losing someone he had been with even before birth. Losing the only person he had left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I want you to forget about me, son, and move on with your life, even though I love you so much.' Her voice sounded weak, as if she was in pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I love you too.' He said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both spoke with tears in there eyes. The grip of her hand on his faded away, and she was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'This wasn't meant to happen, I'm so sorry my young one.' said the monk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He too had tears dripping down his cheeks. As Firas wiped his mothers blood off his clothes and the tears off his face, he realised he couldn't forget about his mother, or whoever had done this to her and his father. He swore to get revenge. He said goodbye to his mother one last time and grabbed his Iron Scimitar. As he jumped onto his horse, Nazareth, they both knew something big was going to happen.

[sephiroth_king]

Hm. Not bad. There were a couple of things, one being the font. I wish it were bigger. The other being the use of quotes from the mother, son, and monk. Whenever someone knew talks, try to start a knew paragraph, so it should look like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I want you to forget about me, son, and move on with your life, even if I love you so much." Her voice sounded weak, as if she was in pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I love you, too."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then after the monk talks, start a knew paragraph, too. Other than that, good start...But I can't say anymore, since it's a little short.

[RadioMime]

Okay, thanks, I'll fix that up and add the first chapter today, if I can.

[issy2]

 

 

 

Introduction:

 

 

 

As he bent down beside his mother, he felt pain. Pain of losing someone he had been with even before birth. Losing the only person he had left. 'I want you to forget about me, son, and move on with your life, even if I love you so much.' Her voice sounded weak, as if she was in pain. 'I love you too.' They both spoke with tears in there eyes. The grip of her hand on his faded away, and she was gone. 'This wasn't meant to happen, I'm so sorry my young one.' said the monk. He too had tears dripping down his cheeks. As Firas wiped his mothers blood off his clothes and the tears off his face, he realised he couldn't forget about his mother, or whoever had done this to his parents. He swore to get revenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first bit in bold -

 

 

 

As Archimage once said, 'this is dripping with unfelt feeling,' or something. I understand what you're trying to say but it's not quite coming across.

 

 

 

How did he kneel down? Gingerly? Crying? What was his mother's facial expression?

 

 

 

It's a very short piece and to be honest I don't feel the pain of losing his mother, the description isn't particularly good and you need a new line for every new speaker. But it's a good start, keep going.

[Xewleer]

In all bluntness, semi well written agreed to whatever they said about grammer up there, except I did not like it at all, I'm sorry