On something to file under "stupidest things I've ever done."
Entry posted by Dragoon5464
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Yes, this one's right up there with the time I was a 12-year-old freshman and took a dare to tell a senior that she had a great rack. Thank heaven she didn't slap me.
So since my breakup I've gotten this idea in my head that, rather than finally get my license and a car and bloody car insurance for an under-25 male, I'd get a nice, $170 folding bike which I could easily store in my upstairs apartment. Something which I'd never have to worry about oiling or gassing up, just a nice little tweak now and then with an Allen wrench and a hex key and she'd be good as new. Never mind the fact that I haven't ridden a bike in five years, or that I've never run a mile in under ten minutes and the ride to work is two hilly miles. No, those things are all just minor details. Enter shenanigans.
So the bike was scheduled to arrive Wednesday, a day on which I worked. The plan was to put it together Wednesday night, then, on Thursday morning (my day off) test the ride into work before it got terribly hot outside. Got home Wednesday to find the UPS ticket, of course, since they won't leave such a large package without a signature. They arrived at 5:30, just half an hour before I got off work, a kindness they would not repeat. I was up all Thursday long waiting and waiting until the brown-shorted buffoon deigned to show up at 7:30. Of course, at that point I didn't have enough time to assemble it before sundown, but I am an obstinate bastard if nothing else, so I did my damnedest. The manual was in passable enough (British) English, having surely been written by a Chinese person, but the diagrams were so damn blurry that the finest instructions didn't matter one bit since I couldn't identify any of the parts. The hex key that should have been included wasn't, but thankfully I have a full set of both metric and imperial for just such occasions. P.S., manufacturers: Americans don't know what a "spanner" is, so call it an "Allen wrench" on any manuals you ship to the U.S.
Didn't manage to get out the door until 8:45, and even then I had to run back in a couple times to get a hex key to tighten bits. The sun was of course completely down by this point, but I had gotten on the front reflector. The rear reflector didn't even have blurry instructions, much less legible ones, so I didn't attach it. Had to walk up the hills on my test run to work, and there were several points at which I thought I would surely be run over. Fun story: did you know that more than half of the streetlights on my way to work are out, and that apparently people care so little about the sidewalks that's it's perfectly okay to put up a real estate sign that takes up the whole damn thing?!
So I got to work and they were kind enough to let me leave my bike at the service desk rather than on the rack outside since I didn't have a lock. Everyone probably just assumed it was a hold anyway. I'll also point out that I was far too sweaty to start work without a shower, something I should have realized ahead of time since the inside of my old band helmet usually looked as though I'd put it on after the heaviest rain in a decade. The fine folks at our Starbucks were kind enough to provide me the biggest cup they had (half a liter maybe) with sweet, delicious, beautiful water. After half an hour-ish of chatting and a complete refill of the cup, I finally decided to mosey on home. Unfortunately I was too exhaustion-addled to check my ride time in, and did the same on the way out. The way home was a bit easier, but the folding bit isn't working properly, so I had to just carry the whole thing up the stairs once I got home. Thankfully the working out lately helped with that.
When I was nearly at home, two confusing and slightly off-putting things happened. First, a car did a u-turn right next to me, to turn in my direction. I stopped walking along with my bike at that point because I thought they were gonna be nice and offer me a ride, but they just kept on going. Then, once I was walking past the corporate office building with all the cars in the lot (long story) there was a guy parked there just to stand and talk on his phone. All I caught was "get f**ked up and f**k wit b**ches," and funny enough, his accent was so garbled that I don't know if he was African American or Cockney. O.o Needless to say, I biked on rather quickly.
So, now I've got a living room floor littered with parts that are I certainly hope are extras, some that I know aren't extras but I just didn't bother putting on (the wheel guards, namely, and that pesky rear reflector), and a toolbox that desperately needs to be cleaned up. Looks like it's continuing to bum a ride until I can build up the cardio strength to get to work in a timely manner, and maybe...find a way to put antiperspirant on my scalp? I dunno. The important part is, once I build up those quads in those shorts, and these biceps in a nice, tight shirt, none of the ladies at work will be able to resist my dashing, rippling figure. ;D
God, I'm cheesy.
With love to all my Tipiters,
Dragoon/Jared
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