I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR THROAT AND USE YOUR BLOOD FOR SYRUP ON MY TOAST!!!
It's always entertaining to see how much comic sans looks like a kitten trying to roar. Not threatening in any way, shape or form. Yes, completely stolen from something else, but what are you, a cop? [bleep] you.
So yeah, I made pies this time. Oddish kind of inspired me to do the next installment of food porn. I've done some cooking lately, but nothing too amazing, and nothing I considered posting, ya know?
I will say in advance that I'm not 100% happy with some of the things in this food porn episode. Some things got away from me, and as such, I'd probably give myself a 7/10 at most, based mostly on the fact that the taste is spot on point. Another thing that irritates me is that my phone camera likes to change the brightness on photos. It's a bit of a [bleep] for that, and I dislike the way some photos have come out, but shit happens I guess.
Let's begin shall we?
Obligatory Queen! song for you, this is becoming a thing. [bleep] you, I can do what I want, it's MY BLOG!
[hide=A Queen! song that accurate represents Jason as a person]
The usual start to this is the blatant advertisement for ASDA (that's Walmart in the UK for those of you that live in the third world country we know as America)
[hide=That's ASDA price m8]
The Willow you see there is a brand of butter. The icky green things are leeks, and the thing you see on the pack of mushrooms is two cloves of fresh garlic, and part of an onion I had leftover from sandwiches. Not pictured is chicken stock, sausages and baked beans.
So the plan of attack was to make two seperate pies (one for myself, and one for Sally). The first was a chicken, mushroom, leek and onion pie in a creamy white sauce (hehehehehehehehehehehe), while the other was a sausage and baked bean pie, cooked in the tomato sauce of the beans.
So first things first, we dice up some chicken. I prefer decent sized chunks of chicken rather than small pieces, as they give you something to bite into rather than being more flavour than anything.
[hide=GIVE ME BIG MEATY CHUNKS, I LOVE ME SOME MEAT!]
After that, you grab those icky things that are green, and you prepare them. I top and tail them (take off the top and bottom parts), and then remove the first layer of skin so that they're nice and fresh. Wash those [bleep]es, you don't want any dirt flavoring your meal.
[hide=I guess this green is all white with me. GEDDIT?!]
You wanna slice those into thinish disks. They'll come apart during cooking, but you don't want the pieces too big. I'd say the width of a finger is probably a good size. I used 2/3 of what is shown here, as I didn't want too much to overpower the chicken. Worked out to just the right amount for me.
Next, ya prepare your garlic. Sorry vampires, I love me some garlic, so if you're going to come after me, you're in for a bad time. Chop the very ends off, shell the first layer of skin so you just got the white stuff left (RACIST!), and crush it with the flat of a knife. FINELY CHOP THAT [bleep]!
[hide=Finely chopped garlic!]
Dude, next I got me some magic mushrooms, like dude. They take you to higher dimensions of reality dude, like totally. Clean them, remove the stalk (you can use the stalk, but I chose not to this time), chop in half, and bam, you're done.
[hide=Not the drug kind, promise! ;)]
Now throw all that shit you just chopped up into a saucepan in which you've preheated some oil in. I used a dash of oil. If you've ever cooked, you know what I'm talking about. [bleep] MEASUREMENTS, I'M A MAN AND I DO WHAT I WANT!
[hide=Cook my pretties, cook for me]
You wanna let that cook up for about five to ten minutes, stirring now and then until your chicken is no longer pink in any way. Seriously. Pink chicken is bad. You want it white or slightly browned, or you're in for one hell of a stomach ache.
Next up is some chicken stock, and here's the first part of my irritation. The chicken stock I used was not the kind I've used before, but I figured it'd do the trick. It didn't quite as well as I wanted it to. It didn't thicken, so the end sauce was not as thick as I wanted. It tasted good, but it was runny as all [bleep]. Good for mopping up with a piece of bread, but not good for a 10/10 looking pie.
[hide=Bring that shit + chicken stock to a boil!]
Once it's boiled for about five minutes, let it simmer for a bit. Yes, simmer in the juices you slut. Get tender for me. Once it's simmered for a few minutes, add your cream.
Another irritating point for me is that I picked up the wrong cream by accident. I got double cream rather than single cream. I don't know the difference it would have made, but I made my last pie with single cream, and I preferred that sauce, so the things I got wrong this time compared to last time was annoying.
[hide=Jason's patented creamy white sauce - PLS NO REMOVE THIS LIONESS]
[bleep], your filling is done. I made this the night before due to time constraints, and it kept well. NOW IT'S TIME FOR PASTRY!
Pastry 101 [bleep]. I was making shortcrust, which is very simple. Plain flour, 1/4 flour weight in lard (PIG FAT, YUMMY), and 1/4 flour weight in butter.
Sieve that flour for the finest in flour, and add some salt/pepper to taste.
[hide=The flour of my eye <3]
Weigh out your AWESOME PIG FAT and butter (as I used 700g of flour, I used 175g each of lard and butter)
[hide=GLORIOUS PIG FAT]
Now you know that pig fat? It smells bad, and it feels bad if you touch it. You know what you're gonna do now?
You're gonna touch it.
You're going to stick your hand into flour and pig fat, and stir that shit up with your fingers.
This is the part of cooking I really enjoy. I hate just throwing some frozen shit into a fryer and waiting for it to cook, I love the preparation of fresh ingredients, it's my favourite part.
Now stir that shit up you [bleep].
[hide=Stirring as ordered ma'am!]
Who the [bleep] are you calling ma'am?!
You stir that shit up more, until it looks like breadcrumbs damn it! That's the state we want it in, looking like fine breadcrumbs.
[hide=Is this breadcrumby enough Mistress?]
... I guess it'll do.
Make a well in the middle of that with your fingers, and pour in a bit of warm water. Not a lot, you just want to pour in some water to bind the mixture together into a ball which will hold its shape on its own. I can't give you an exact amount here, so pour a little bit in at a time, and work it together. Better to be overcautious than sorry.
[hide=This is what you want to end up with]
[hide=HALF THAT SUCKER IF YOU'RE MAKING TWO PIES, BECAUSE THIS IS ENOUGH PASTRY FOR TWO!]
The pie on the left has pastry all around, it's a full pie. The pie on the right only has pastry on the top, as the sauce for the chicken pie would [bleep] with the pastry as soon as I poured it on. Too wet, not thick enough, recipe for disaster if I do it.
Not pictured is the cooking of the left pie's filling. I sliced some sausages into thin disks (between 5 and 8 disks per sausage), fried them up, and mixed them with a cold tin of baked beans (they'll heat up in the oven).
Throw some pastry over the filling (make the pastry as thick as you want it, but try not to have it too thick, it'll overpower the filling if you do), and slash it a few times with a knife. You can poke it with a fork too, but I prefer slashes for the look. This is to allow the heat and shit from the cooking filling an escape route, or your pie will explode.
No, it honestly will. Have fun cleaning the oven out if you don't leave an escape route.
Egg wash that [bleep] up, to give it a lovely golden brown look once it leaves the oven.
.......... I forgot the egg wash for my pies. My only excuse is that I twinged my knee while cooking, and was in a fair amount of pain. I forgot to egg wash, and so my pastry comes out fairly pale. The taste is still good, but the looks aren't as good as they could have been. Sucks to be me, eh?
Now throw that shit into an oven, and take it out when you think it's done. It's done if it looks like this if you forget the egg wash, or when it's a lovely golden brown if you remember it. I won't give you an exact number, because ovens are pieces of shit for not following cooking times, and mine took well over an hour.
[hide=More baked than a stoner]
And there you have it. They can be a bit of a [bleep] to cut, but they taste good. The pastry was a bit flakier than I expected, but it still tasted fine to me. Sally certainly enjoyed the filling on her pie, and mine was lovely too.
[hide=Side by side]
[hide=Sausage and baked bean pie]
[hide=Chicken, leek, mushroom and onion pie in JASON'S HOMEMADE CREAMY WHITE SAUCE! Yes mods, I'm pushing my luck!]
So there you have it ladies. 2 and a half months after I posted my first food porn, you get another. I'll try to not take as long with the third one, but no promises, I'm Jason, and even though you can't all have as much free time as me, I'm lazy as [bleep].
Take it easy [bleep]ers, time to enjoy my pie.