Jump to content
  • entries
    8
  • comments
    39
  • views
    20515

Mood: Crappy


Naive

1342 views

Fair warning, you probably won't give a damn about anything I'm about to type, so it's your fault if you're dissatisfied afterward.

 

So you're probably expecting me to post something relevant to the season, such as a Happy New Year or some cheerful [bleep] like that? Well... Fine, Happy New Year. But enough of that. I just need to get some things off my chest, else I'm gonna explode from bottling it all up.

 

2009 has been a crazy, most depressing year. I don't even remember much of the first 3/4 of it. Must not have been very important. Oh, that's right, I failed most of my classes in that period, that's why... So I've gone and wasted my parents' money there, not to mention my really crappy venture into out-of-state college life last year, where I went to Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Worcester, Massachusetts, thinking, hey, I got a pretty decent scholarship going here, mom and dad didn't have to pay as much as they thought they would have had to, and I'm finally getting out of home, into the real world, gonna make new friends, graduate, get a good job, get married, have children, blah be-freaking blah blah blah. A pathetic, stupid dream.

 

The first week in I did make some friends actually, I was shepherded into a program for Hispanic students, which was a main reason for the good scholarship (I don't look it, but I'm half-Peruvian, other half is Irish) and it all felt like... Summer camp to me... That's probably where I made the mistake, I shouldn't have gotten so lax... Anyways, after the week of intro and coddling ended, I moved into my dorm, which happens to be a double. Few days later I meet my roommate, awesome guy, gamer like me. Then I meet other floor mates, lots of gamers, one even straight from Vietnam (he could solve a 5x5 Rubik's cube in less than 4 minutes) and one guy I suspected wasn't all secured up in the mind... And I wasn't the only one who thought it, he was weird.

 

First week of classes... Completely murders me. I'm in Calculus 1, we're learning about derivatives, none of it makes any sense to me. Computer Science, we use some strange programming language called... Um... I don't remember, but it well confused the crap out of me. Then on to Interactive Media and Game Development. The main reason I had come here. To major in making video games. A dream come true. Only problem? A lot of it is group projects, and I'm still on that summer laze... So I never make it to group meetings, I mostly stayed in my dorm playing Wii, because it was easier than waking up on time for class... By the time I realize what's happened... I've failed all my classes mainly from lack of attendance, and therefor failing quizzes, tests, homework, yadda yadda yadda... I remember coming into IMGD class one day after not having gone for weeks... The professor said "Oh, you still have this class?" Well God damn, way to hit my low self esteem. (Did I mention that?)

 

I went to see my... Academic counselor I guess was her title, and she's a really nice person... And she notices that I've been sleeping in my dorm most days, not even getting up to take showers (I'd gone a week and a half... I was a disgusting mess, and my cool friends wouldn't hang out with me anymore) and I didn't seem to care. So she recommended I go see the psychological counselor on campus. I go, and I tell her the things that I don't even tell my mother about. About how I'm so damned ashamed of myself for being a fat slob, how I believed myself to be a shame to my father (He even said as much to me) and how I thought no one loved me, no one cared about me, and that y'know, maybe I should die. They'd all be happier. I wouldn't be eating through my parents' and my grandmother's money, I wouldn't disgust anyone anymore... Of course that's a huge no no. So they send me to... Um... University of Massachusetts Medical, big shot psych hospital or summat. I see a doctor, spill my guts out, tell him I want to kill myself, all that stupid crap, and so he prescribes me some anti-depressants. Funny thing, my brother calls me almost right after, and I told him the taxi was here to bring me back to school. He asked where I was... I told him I was out shopping with my friends. I couldn't even bear to tell him that I was about to take anti-depressants...

 

A week passes... It ain't working. I'm still sleeping 24+ hours, only ever getting up to go to the cafeteria like... once a day. Mom calls... I start crying, I tell her everything... And then I tell her that I can't do this, I have to come back home... And so I came back home in time for Christmas '08. I bid farewell to my friends I was unlikely to ever see again, with only my stupid [wagon] to blame.

 

I got home, tail between my legs, so damned ashamed of my sorry [wagon]. I had ruined probably the only good chance I'd ever had. I'd wasted at least $5000 of my father's, I could almost hear him thinking of how pathetic a shame I am to the family. Granny called, told me she was disappointed... Mom was sad... *sigh* And I wasn't taking those damned pills anymore, so I just felt worse and worse... At one point I actually had the gun to my head... I couldn't go through with it. Figures.

 

So next I try community college down here in Miami. Still doesn't go well... I only pass 2 out of 5 classes. I feel even crappier. Dad's threatening to throw me out of the house or start charging me rent. I'm still jobless. I haven't worked once in my life thanks to loving parents and grandparents. I think he eventually gave up trying to get me to do anything.

 

Next semester, I only take two classes. College Algebra and Computer Literacy. I thought I could do it, I really did. But Algebra was at 7 a.m., and I lived 20 minutes away, and I had to take my brother to school too, since he's younger than me and doesn't have a car. So I failed Algebra because I always was late, and whenever I was late I always felt so ashamed so I just went to the Computer room instead of going to class and drowned my sorrows in Runescape. Hah.... Thankfully I passed Computer class though, which was at 8 on Fridays, and so was much easier to manage.

 

During that semester, a little before Halloween... Something horrible happened. My brother had a friend, and they both just love annoying the freaking hell out of me... And in a way I enjoyed it too for some stupid reason. He and my brother were friends since grade school, and I really wasn't all the friendly to him. Anyway... One night they and another friend decide to go out biking... At midnight. Bradley (my brother) has been out late loads of times before, so I'm not at all worried, and so I don't even think of stopping them... God why didn't I...

 

It happened around 2 a.m. They were on their way back to our house. Marlon, the other friend, on the sidewalk, and Bradley and the friend, Rodolfo, were weaving on the street. Bradley all of a sudden hears a very shrill, loud screeching behind him. He looks back and quickly gets his bike on the median, because there's a car barreling toward him with sparks shooting from under the front bumper... But he's ok, nothing's wrong... He looks to see where Rodolfo is, and can't find him, so he looks for Marlon... Marlon is standing looking... Out of it. A few feet from him, is Rodolfo's body. He'd been hit by the driver who was blatantly speeding down the road, completely ignoring their flashers and lights on the bikes... He'd died on impact, I'll spare you the details... He went instantly, God rest his soul... We went to his wake, there were many tears, speeches, all that stuff... His mom had him cremated, I don't know what she did with the ashes... But the entire time, up to this day... I haven't shed a tear for him... There's something pathologically wrong with me...

 

Sometimes I feel like he was lucky, he doesn't have to go through this crap known as life anymore. He's at peace.

 

Fast forward to Christmas time... It's a good Christmas, my cousins come over, we play games all night for so many nights, we practically burn out our retinas and lick our lips dry. It was fun. Really fun. I haven't even contemplated hurting myself in a month. That's good, right?

 

Soon after, comes New Years. Gonna be happy too, right? No.

 

Dad tells Mom something, she tells Bradley, he tells me; Dad wants a divorce. I... Still don't know how to react. I'm pretty damned emotionless at this point now... The happiness y'all see on me when I'm on Runescape is mostly a mask. All fake. I can't be happy. How can I, I'm literally driving this family apart with my stupid [wagon] lax and do-nothing attitude. Maybe if I actually did something worth something up in Massachusetts, maybe if I didn't fail my classes, maybe if I got a job, maybe if I didn't remind dad of himself when he was a fat kid like me, doing nothing worth a crap, maybe he wouldn't want the divorce... Maybe, I'd have actually been able to make him proud, give him a reason to not give up on our family... But no, I screwed it all up... My life, my family, hell, maybe my own damned sanity is falling apart... I'm going nowhere fast. Sinking quickly in the mess I've made. I don't know what's gonna happen... I'm scared...

2 Comments


Recommended Comments

I don't know what to say man. Try treating yourself once in a while, and exercise if you can by starting small. Exercising releases special chemicals that will help bring you into a better mood. I've got to tell you, once I started trying hard in my Phys Ed classes my mood improved overall, so it's not exactly something I don't know about.

Link to comment
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.