Ginger_Warrior
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Posts posted by Ginger_Warrior
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So long as you have friends elsewhere.
I wouldn't ever recommend trying to get along and live with people you find that annoying, but I wouldn't say that 'walling' yourself into your room all day long is a good idea either.
I had to live on my own, away from my hometown for a good month after all the other housemates had moved out and all the friends I'd made had also gone back to their hometowns for summer. It was a very scary and lonely month; I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
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There's a hell of a lot of pressure for first-years to find accommodation, while at the same time having the time of their life (I hate this phrase with a burning passion). My personal opinion is that people look and sign contracts far too early, and I know there's a lot of work within the SU movement to try and make students more aware of that. Half of the claims given to you by landlords are complete and utter bull. I'm talking claims like "There's already two or three groups looking at this place", or "If you don't sign now, all the good houses will have gone". It leads to situations where very fragile groups of friends who've only known each other for a matter of weeks get a place together, fall out, and they're stuck living with each other for at least another 12 months after their first year has ended.
I signed for my place in April and it's not a bad place at all.
As for friends, there's the usual go-to places. Talk to people in your course, go to societies, maybe even do something that doesn't involve students at all if you're having trouble assimilating to the "student lifestyle". There's no shame in that if that's the case; it's not everyone's cup of tea. End of the day, in Uni halls they allocate people at random and hope everyone gets along... it's a pretty rubbish way of putting people together.
When you meet someone, make an effort to meet up semi-regularly. You're not going to make best friends with someone after an hour long conversation. It's the meeting up and it's the activities you do together that form the basis first.
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Perhaps it's no coincidence that at the age of 16, the same age I was expected to face the realities of the world--work, friends, self-identity, going out, alcohol, sex--I chose instead to spend my time playing a fantasy online RPG with people I'll likely never meet or even speak to in person. In that sense, RuneScape will always have a profound legacy on the person that I became, in addition to many others. It will always be something I remember and have that emotional connection to, and not necessarily for bad reasons at all.
The game is barely recognizable to anything I used to like about the game, though. I used to like the fact I could come home, spend thirty minutes to an hour of escapism fulfilling my daily RS activities, and that was the end limit to my commitment. That just isn't the case any more. The culture of the game has changed completely, and not for the better, in my honest opinion.
I still take those thirty minutes a day away from the real world, and over the seven years since, I've been forced to face the realities I initially ran away from. So you can't really blame it on me "growing up". I just don't use that time on RuneScape any more.
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Talk to your friend or someone in your family you trust. Tell them that you'll set an appointment with service X by date Y. Make it a goal and ask your friend to remind you and encourage you to do it.
When you do it, remind yourself that every time you manage to overcome your feelings and worries; every small victory is a sign of you beating the anxiety step-by-step. It won't happen overnight, but remind yourself regularly that that first action is proof that you can, and will eventually, get through this, and that you're not as helpless as you feel right now.
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Don't focus on what others think about you.
You stand far more chance of being attractive to other people if you're confident about yourself, so just be yourself.
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I wouldn't worry about Kyle. Let him deal with his shit.
As for your IM conversations and "working" stuff into them: it really depends on what you're after. If you just want to the two of you to start sleeping with each other and nothing more than that, then sure, you might try inserting some kind of innuendo to turn the conversation flirty and sexual. That said, you'd be far better off meeting her in person and doing it there, since you're trying to demonstrate as much confidence as possible. It works for some guys, definitely the more "alpha" types, and it works for some girls because they might be between partners and only after some no-strings attached sex with someone they find attractive. Fair enough.
I get the impression you're not after that, though, am I right? In which case, spend more time alone with each other doing things you both find interesting. Engage her in personal conversation. Discover what makes her tick. Read body language; be yourself. If you think there's a chemistry coming back, tell her how you feel (in person!) and that you'd like to go on a date sometime.
She might say no; oh well, what did you have to lose anyway? She'll probably still want to be friends with you.
She might say yes; fantastic!
You might even discover, having spent more time with her, that she's not as attractive as first thought.
But you can't possibly know for sure after 20 minutes worth of alone time, while you were both waiting for mates to arrive.
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Why do you perceive virginity to be a weakness? That's just... silly. Other people aren't "better" or more confident than you because they managed to get a girl into bed with them.
From what you've said on previous threads, you're clearly quite popular with girls. I really, really wish you'd accept that you clearly have attractive qualities, and none of them are enhanced necessarily by alcohol.
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The video is where the idea comes from, if you look at the entire thing he says somewhere that he used to work as a bouncer or a doorman for ~10 years and how he noticed everyone in town just looked sad to him. He also says that while everyone thinks drugs are so cool, he sees it as a weakness. You need something to relax? That's pathetic. Reliance on anything is just a weakness to you. And after I heard him say this, it just clicked to me.
Not all people take drugs to relax necessarily. My housemate, for example, takes MD before going to all-night raves for exactly the opposite effect. I wouldn't have suggested that she's "reliant" on it either, baring in mind she only goes to these events twice a year; you have to be very careful about establishing a distinction between addictive drug use and recreational drug use.
Feeding the body drugs like a machine in order to get you through the day... I think we can all agree that's "weak". Feeding the body drugs very occasionally for the experience of pushing the body beyond normal limits, is that really weak? Perhaps stupid from a physiological point of view, perhaps flawed from a psychological point of view, but is it fair to label people as "weak" for wanting to experience something?
I'm not so sure it is.
I was pretty popular in high school and I've been to a lot of parties, but I never really had that much fun, don't get me wrong, it's been pretty good, but some of the funnest times for me have been when I've just been relaxing and playing cards or talking about whatever with people. And as soon as everyone starts drinking the conversation deteriorates and the games end. And everyone acts like drinking and going to clubs is so much better than everything else and I just don't feel it and I refuse to believe I'm the only one.
You're not the only one. I'm 23 years old, I've been drinking around others for the best part of a decade now. I think by my age, alcohol has lost some of its reputation and you start to realise that, actually, all of those nights out have been fun for reasons other than excessive alcohol usage. Binge-drinking becomes the means to an end (having fun with others) rather than the end itself. I'd rather stay on the dancefloor and burn off some energy these days, than run off to the bar the moment my glass is empty.
When I was 18, however, and also when I moved into university halls last year (where I was surrounded by 18-year old school-leavers), the attitude was very much the other way around. I went to flat parties where people were literally just drinking because the psychedelic dub-step music was too ridiculously loud to even hear the person next to you. They were some of the most boring experiences.
So age, and attitudes and expections towards alcohol consumption definitely make a difference. If you're in that 18-24 age group, have patience... people will grow up eventually.
The video also mentions repression of emotion as a cause for depression and I agree a lot with this too. I have friends whose new years resolutions were to act happier and stuff like that, and everyone else would agree and say something like "we're privileged youth, we have no right to be upset" and I feel so many people are just blatantly lying to themselves about their own happiness and what makes them happy. And I think one of the biggest lies, and surely one of the most common ones is how much people enjoy partying/clubbing. I feel most people just say they do because it's such a "cool" thing to do. And I really, really, don't think most people enjoy it as much as they say.
We're going into Freudian psychology here... not really a fan of it. However, your friends failed their resolutions because "being happy" isn't an achievable goal. Instead, they should have identified something which makes them happier, and set a goal to do more of it, or achieve something through it. Something specific, something measurable within a defined time frame.
Most people I would agree are like OP is saying, because people these days in uni are fitted with the idea of you're young, get off your [bleep]. And naturaly people want to fit in. But if you're a logical thinker or don't really care for fitting in. You're more likely just to take it easy and enjoy the exprience rather than forcing it.
Peer pressure plays a huge part, yes. I've spoken to some people who were teetotalers, and Freshers Week for them was fairly difficult in terms of fitting in. "We're having a party tonight, is your house coming out?" is pretty much the default question after meeting someone new at university.
Its like university, its glamorised to be a big piss up these days. When 20-30 years ago, its where people just went if they wanted a degree in a dedicated field. And even in university you have people like "I want to be a doctor" and they are dedicated to that, may have the odd drink as a release of stress. But they are not there for the glamorised reasons
Students have been having piss ups for decades and decades. I was born in 1990 when both of my parents were at university. They were having piss ups even back then.
Frankly, you have people who drink and actually give a toss about their studies as well; and then those who just expect a year-long party. And I say year-long, because most in that latter group won't see second year. They'll fail long before then.
EDIT: This new quote system [bleep]ing blows.
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I get the video about depression. At the risk of turning this into a more philosophical / sociological debate, I agree that the biomedical model of care doesn't sufficiently account for health issues such as mental health problems. It's impossible to treat someone for depression and only see that patient as a condition or as a set of archetypal symptoms resulting from a chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. There are so many psychological and sociological factors which act as a trigger, or possibly exacerbate, the depression / anxiety. So I get that theory, I honestly do.
Additionally, I also get the connection between depression and alcoholism. Although, we're not talking about addictive problems here; we're talking about people simply getting a bit too drunk at a club (binge drinking), which is not the same as alcoholism.
Would you mind running me through the connection between depression, and your negative views of clubs and club-goers? I'm not judging your argument yet, I just really want to understand it first. I'm just having a little trouble understanding the link between watching a video about depression, and not liking clubs.
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Didn't we mention before that you need to find that 'girl mate' who'll teach you about these things? :P
Also, if you can dance anyway, why not sign up for a class with partners?
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I'm guessing this is a flat as in an apartment with a private landlord, rather than a flat in a halls of residence, from the way you worded that. If you can find another spare room somewhere owned by the same landlord, and the contract is worth an equal amount (or more) to what you're paying now, it's arguably in their own interests to allow you to move out into another room.
I lived in halls last year where both of the surrounding flats were filled with 18 year old school leavers and... yeah... dealing with idiot neighbours is a pain in the ass. Mostly because the fixed-term nature of student contracts is that you're basically stuck with them.
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I think the biggest change is the drop in self-esteem, which had been very high before going to university.
I've gone from having a wage, to being on student finance and only having about a third of the disposable income I previously had. I've gone from having a job in which I felt very competent and where my skills were valued, to going back to university and feeling like I only know about 9% of the stuff I'm actually supposed to know. I've gone from having a very close-knit group of friends in my hometown, to living in student accommodation in another city, where the connections you make to others tend to be thinner and more widespread. All of that has started to make my thinking a lot more negative and self-deprecating.
I know the dust will settle eventually, and some of the friends you make at uni you keep for life as well. I could name which friends I think would fit into that box now, to be honest. Change is a good thing, because it opens the door to new possibilities. And I wouldn't go back to my old job, simply because I felt more comfortable there. I just need to get out of this cycle of assuming negative experiences, and consequently experiencing them.
Thanks for your reply anyway, Saq. It makes a lot of sense.
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Ok so... I actually have my own confession.
Just over a year ago, I came to university. I left behind a pretty stable, if slightly boring life which I was otherwise pretty happy with. I had a job, I did voluntary work in my community, I was very settled. I left all that plus friends and family to pursue a career I genuinely feel passionate about.
But I'm not settled. I've met so many new amazing and wonderful people here. Especially this one girl who's similar to me in every way except she's as extraverted as I am introverted. Our values match up and we're so close, but they've all taken me out of that comfort zone, forced me to experience a new range of things, and I've totally changed as a person.
And that terrifies me because I feel like I'm living in a totally new world full of possibilities which I didn't even know existed only a year ago, and I feel like I'm barely breathing let alone living in it.
tl; dr --I'm changing, and that scares me because those changes make me feel so uncomfortable and so uncertain about the future.
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Isn't that thinking a bit faulty?
If you make no decision whatsoever, you miss out completely on everything. Make an alright decision on one thing, and you'll get an alright return from it, with the option of changing your first decision into a better decision later on.
Also, how realistic are you being about it all? Chances are, whatever choices you make in life, there will always be bad sides to them. All you can ask for, is for the pros to equal them.
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If the immobility is preventing you from performing to what would normally be your best grades, then speak to your personal tutor / academic adviser about extenuating circumstances.
If your immobility is preventing you from carrying out daily activities, speak to your family / campus nurse. They should be able to assess your needs more comprehensively.
Stay active but don't push yourself too hard, allow yourself time to recover. You'll have a much greater chance of running if you engage with the planning and implementation of your care, rather than ignoring professional advice and trying to rush things.
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Have they actually told you that you're unlikely to do sports again? Have they discussed with you about what to expect about your mobility after your operation? Do you know what physiotherapy services will be available post-operative? If you don't feel as though you've had enough information, then focus on the questions you're anxious about, and find a healthcare professional who can talk it through.
If it's the emotional side of things that you're really struggling with, then (I think this has been said before, my apologies if it hasn't) as a university student, wouldn't you be able to access some kind of counseling service? You might also be able to access counseling services through your healthcare, but obviously I'm less sure on that since as I don't know how your healthcare system works or what it covers. However, people often grieve about the loss of physical function in the same way as they respond to bereavement, so if you're getting angry / depressed / hopeless, these are all perfectly normal ways to feel! You might find it useful to talk about it with a counselor if it's getting overwhelming or if it's starting to interfere with daily life.
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The sticky thread in the OT board has received barely over 20 posts in a year and a half. If stickies are there to prevent multiple versions of the same thread appearing on the rest of the board, then this sticky is clearly redundant.
It needs removing, or else have its sticky status removed and therefore be allowed to die like all other threads.
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I actually ran a little experiment once. I bought a men's health magazine which was running several articles about how to make yourself more attractive to women. I showed it to my girl mates, and the response to the advice was ambivalent at best. I'll concede that some of the articles may have been written by women themselves. I'm also open to the idea that the articles were probably nothing more than product placement too. Generally, however, men aren't that good at recognizing what's attractive about themselves and other men to women, they only tend to have a fairly prescriptive list of what's attractive to their own "woman" at that point in time. At least, that's my personal experience.
So in that light, having female friends is definitely a plus. They might try and make you see things from their perspective, if you let them.
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To your friend: Well played, sir.
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People always have a "honeymoon period" whenever they find something new. It lasts for a good few months until reality hits and they realise it's not all that great. This concept applies to lots of things really; new video games, new relationships, new clothes, new job... Quite a lot of people joined the game in '06, so therefore there's so many people who see that period as a Golden Age, because at the time they couldn't see any of the flaws.
Objectively speaking, though, skillcapes were the biggest change around that time. In just one update, the entire culture of playing RuneScape was transformed from "go as far as you really want to" to "nothing less than 99 will cut it".
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The point I was making was more that humans are remarkably predictible and are often condemned to repeating their own patterns of behaviour. If (s)he cheats with you, they probably won't be too fussed about cheating on you.
I'm not sure you should be translating that to all girls, though. You're not better than all guys at everything; that's definitely true. You have qualities most other guys don't, however. Just focus on what you do best, and trust that girls will stick around because of it.
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A girl / guy who would leave a relationship to be with you, would do the same again if another potential relationship came along.
Doesn't that stand to reason?
But you pay your money and take your choices, so it's your call still. It all depends on what you're looking for in a SO.
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Don't overthink it. Striking a conversation's really not that hard.
It's really as simple as asking the other person what their interests are / what they do with spare time. Look for an area where interests overlap, or that she feels passionate about. The ice should melt pretty quickly from there.
"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice
in Off-Topic
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I tend to get very anxious when talking to most new people, whether I like them or not. One coping tactic I learned, which has always served me well, is ask to notice their eye colour early on in the conversation. It works on so many levels.