The Lost Dune (click here click here!)

[Woman]

The Lost Dune

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the year 50,000 AD, the world had immensely changed from the world of the previous 10,000 years. There were only two inhabitants. Their names were Cameron and Pamela. Cameron was a strong, courageous 17 year old man and Pamela was like a bean sprout. Bean sprouts push out of the earth with a lot of determination. Pamela was born with a lot of determination and would never give up whatever her goal was. Pamela was had medium characteristics and short, brown hair.

 

 

 

Pamela and Cameron survived the gigantic earthquakes and volcanoes which occurred between 50, 489 and 50, 499 AD. They had hidden underground in a secret cave deep below what remained of the crust. They were lucky, for as soon as they heard rumbling, they crept through a hole in a large cave. The new earth was very different. Newly formed deserts were a scorching 210 degrees farenheight with dunes 2,000 feet high. The jungles were swarming with new animals, of every dangerous kind. The slimy, muddy jungles were filled with animal bones from the earthquakes. The trees, new and enormous, were as tall as what used to be the Chrysler Building. The plants would shoot quarts of poison to anything disturbing their sleep. The world had transformed from a happy peaceful land to a remorseful, hateful place where danger lurks from every corner.

 

 

 

After the earthquake ended, Cameron and Pamela climbed up miles of crevasses to the newly formed earth. Once reaching the surface, Cameron gasped in awe.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat has happened here? All these hot lava heaps Yuck. And look at the bones of all the humans!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[Woman]

Come on people, its a great story! Read it and reply. Its not long

[Rhys]

OK, I didn't think it was all that good, it wasn't extremely bad though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grammar could do with a bit of work and I saw you messed up a few times with your speech marks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, you switched tenses about half way through then switched back. You may want to avoid doing that, makes it sound weird. It got confusing at some places too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The names of the places were a bit... strange, you should try and think of shorter names that don't look like you just hit a load of random keys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, it all seemed too coincidental. Like when they found food and water underground, how their supplies became magically refilled and how Cam was so amazingly good at everything. I thought the bit with the sword was too coincidental too, you don't hear anything about the sword until that part where he has to use it. Why would he be carrying a sword if the world was so peaceful beforehand? Where did he acquire it? Many questions left unanswered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's my constructive cristiscm, I didn't absolutely hate the story, I just didn't find it amazing. :wink:

[Woman]

You read the whole thing? wow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And don't blame me too much, I was 11 years old when I wrote it

[OnePercenter]

You read the whole thing? wow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And don't blame me too much, I was 11 years old when I wrote it

 

 

 

really? wow! nice story anyway.

[Rhys]

Wow, that's a pretty good story for an 11 year old.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the way, go read mine! :D

[Woman]

read, read !

[Woman]

Its a pretty long story

[KnightLite]

very, to lazy to read

[pjb21]

i dont have the time to read it but it looks long any way. everyone can read mine though! and reply or else i will have to abandon it :cry: its under the section: the chronicals of wendal yeah so tell me what you think or else i will stop.