Finale - Poetry Work

[dragondrive12345]

They walk into the valley,

 

With guns at their backs,

 

And blades on their hands,

 

Their minds are set,

 

They've made their desicion,

 

No turning back now,

 

Keep your eye in precision,

 

Their heart and soul set aflame,

 

Their prides put on the line,

 

Not even caring for recognition,

 

The silence pierces their ears,

 

Moonlit night the night is still,

 

The battle commences,

 

Don't retreat don't fall back,

 

No fears don't hold back,

 

Don't defend just attack,

 

Slowly advancing to the goal,

 

Marching on row by row,

 

We're an army standing strong,

 

With the will to fight,

 

And the heart to survive,

 

And blood that we'll always thrive,

 

Skulls and bones everywhere,

 

This is the beast of war.

 

 

 

^err yeah, hate, rate, appreciate HAH :thumbsup:

[Bluejayfan94]

10/10 :thumbup:

 

I really loved this poem. War Time setting, and great ending.

 

 

 

Its way better than what I'd do :lol:

[issy2]

They walk into the valley,

 

With guns at their backs,

 

And blades on their hands,

 

Their minds are set,

 

They've made their desicion,

 

No turning back now,

 

Keep your eye in precision,

 

Their heart and soul set aflame,

 

Their prides put on the line,

 

Not even caring for recognition,

 

The silence pierces their ears,

 

Moonlit night the night is still,

 

The battle commences,

 

Don't retreat don't fall back,

 

No fears don't hold back,

 

Don't defend just attack,

 

Slowly advancing to the goal,

 

Marching on row by row,

 

We're an army standing strong,

 

With the will to fight,

 

And the heart to survive,

 

And blood that we'll always thrive,

 

Skulls and bones everywhere,

 

This is the beast of war.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overall I really like it but there are some parts that just don't (in my opinion) fit at all.

 

 

 

This bit doesn't really work... It's as though you're one of the army, speaking about how you're feeling, and then suddenly you switch to talking about the army as if you're not one of them. It just sounds a bit weird, especially read aloud. Anyway I'm not trying to be dictatorial but it would sound better if it went like this...

 

 

 

With guns at our backs,

 

And blades on our hands,

 

Our minds are set,

 

We've made a desicion,

 

No turning back now,

 

Keep your eye in precision,

 

Our hearts and souls set aflame,

 

Our pride put on the line,

 

 

 

There's alot of very small things that would overall make it sound alot more professional, ie. 'blades on our hands' doesn't work... It should probably be "blades at our hands", which works better because it partners the previous line, but not so it sounds boring. It's getting a bit of rhythm... with guns at our backs, and blades at our hands...

 

TBH the rhythm kinda wavers throughout the whole thing... if it was kept in one continuous pattern it would sound better read alot.

 

 

 

I loved the second half of the poem, but the last two lines sound pretty odd after it. The poem is about an army who are fighting bravely, "standing strong", with "the heart to survive". So to then say "Skull and bones everywhere, This is the beast of war" doesn't really make sense. That sounds like something out of a Runescape poem, doesn't fit with the strength of the rest. This poem, as far as I can see, is about the courage of the soldiers who are fighting, not at all about the horror of death and bloodshed but the strength of people who gather together for the same cause. Anyway sorry if I've been critical but I actually did really like it:)

[Bluejayfan94]

I loved the second half of the poem, but the last two lines sound pretty odd after it. The poem is about an army who are fighting bravely, "standing strong", with "the heart to survive". So to then say "Skull and bones everywhere, This is the beast of war" doesn't really make sense. That sounds like something out of a Runescape poem, doesn't fit with the strength of the rest. This poem, as far as I can see, is about the courage of the soldiers who are fighting, not at all about the horror of death and bloodshed but the strength of people who gather together for the same cause. Anyway sorry if I've been critical but I actually did really like it:)

 

 

 

It does Kinda sound like one in that line, because bodies don't decay that fast.

 

 

 

But, I'd just want to add it that It kinda sounds like a song Linkin Park would make :shock:

 

 

 

You should give it to them :lol:

[re4p3r1]

good poem 7/10

 

good emotions. the style isnt my favorite but still good. the rhyme scheme needs work try to make it consistent

[Bluejayfan94]

good poem 7/10

 

good emotions. the style isnt my favorite but still good. the rhyme scheme needs work try to make it consistent

 

 

 

Agree with the rhymes. I really couldn't figure it out.

 

 

 

If you want rhymes... Watch Mr. Deeds :lol:

[dragondrive12345]

^ I thank you all for the constructive criticism :thumbsup:

 

 

 

I'll know better next time :mrgreen:

 

 

 

EDIT: I kinda blanked out on the last part that's why LOL xD

[Bluejayfan94]

^ I thank you all for the constructive criticism :thumbsup:

 

 

 

I'll know better next time :mrgreen:

 

 

 

EDIT: I kinda blanked out on the last part that's why LOL xD

 

 

 

lol