Rahil, and the Rebellion

[oose]

well im new here, i know i will mess up on grammer so yea, but i'll try to fix it, just comment on whether the story was good or bad. Rahil pronounced Raw-hill

 

 

 

Tinte-pronounced Tin-te

 

 

 

Chapter 1

 

The Story Of Little Rahil

 

 

 

In a village known as Tinte. A boy was made there, this boy was not the same as others, hee was a man with a mark on his back. It was the mark of a basilisk. As the mother grew in pain of her sons birth. The docter kept saying "you will make it, Don't Give Up!!!". As she grew weak, the baby cried, the docter said "the baby is alive!!! the baby is alive!". He then looked at her, and he then turned to the husband. She failed to live. "oh no, what will i do! i can't support him on my own!" said the father. "well you can't leave him here, good-bye! and have a good day! I am also sorry for your loss." "Oh don't take interest you fool, Good-bye, and the next time you will see me you won't be surprised!" Then his father and the newly born baby left the hospital!

 

 

 

The next day Rahil was in his little crib. His father tied a rope, and hung himself. Rahil heard a knock in the door. "Hello anyone in there". said a woman. She pushed the door, and looked in the house. "Hello, im here to deliver your..." She saw Rahil in his crib, then she saw the father, with the rope around his neck, swinging. "Oh no! Come here little one i will take you to where I live!" Rahil was taken home. They all saw a note on rahils chest. They opened and read it slowly "I no longer desire this child. I leave this child to the next person that takes him. I give you my blessings, for I am no longer alive. My body shall remain in Tinte village, And little Rahil, shall be a child that i will deeply love with my heart and soul. I have decided to kill myself, because i can't take this child. I have no money, and nothing to provide for him. May you take care of my little one."

 

 

 

They stopped, and then they looked at rahil. Rahil was looking back at them in a confused face. "So this boy's father is dead" said Dooly(Foster father of Rahils)"what happened to his mother" he said. "i don't know father, but i did see his fathers body swinging, he hung himself, and the baby was just there looking at him" said rebecca(daughter of dooly and amanda)."well, we can't leave him out there! It's to dangerous! They're criminals out there!" said Amanda(wife of dooly, mother of rebecca)

 

 

 

Rahil was about the age of 10 when he first went hunting with his father!"I should be teaching you how to hunt! You are my son." said dooly. "where exactly are we going father" said Rahil. " to the forrest to kill some deer" said his father. "Kill? What exactly is kill?" said Rahil. "it's where you take a life from something, and it can't come back alive" he said. "oh ok" said Rahil in a confused tone.

 

 

 

They hid behind a green tall bush. They were so quiet, that all you could hear where the footsets of an animal, and the birds flying, and making their noises. Every 2 minutes they would check for a deer to come by. Then Finally a deer came and it started to eat some grass. "ok, Rahil heres my knife, and my bow n arrow. I want you to hit it with an arrow, and if it's still standing, kill it with the knife so we don't waste any arrows." Rahil nodded, and he slowly got up. The deer kept eating, and Rahil slowly got up, and then he fully was stood up. The deer stopped eating."Psst, don't touch the arrow, it has poison." Rahil aimed, and he let go! The deer wanted to run away, but the arrow was in its neck! Rahil rushed to the deer, and tackled it! He stabbed the deer so brutally, that it made his own father! A deer hunter, be ashamed of killing an animal!

 

 

 

"there! I killed it! now what?" said Rahil in excitement and in confusion. We leave and take the body, and clean it so we don't eat poison and die.

 

 

 

After that day when Rahil killed that deer. His family talked during breakfast. "So rahil how are you doing" said his mother. "Quite fine why?" "well you see, when you were a baby..." she said. "Amanda Stop It!" said dooly in anger. "what!? Is there something i should know?" said rahil. "no there is not!?" said dooly. "well i think he should know!"-

 

"he can't know!"-

 

"will you both shut up! rahil, your not part of our family, in fact I found you when you were a baby, your parents were dead, and you had a note on your chest." Rebecca said. she reached for the note and gave it to him. "What on gods name is this, my father is him" rahil points at dooly. " No im not your father, rahil... This is hard to say. Rahil, your real father is dead, he hung himself when you were just a baby." Rahil walked up and ran away, and did not return.

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

The New Path He Chose

 

Too be continued...

 

 

 

So what do you think besides the grammer?

[Bluejayfan94]

I'd suggest getting someone to proofread and correct your puncuation and grammar mistakes.

 

 

 

In a village known as Tinte. A boy was made there, this boy was not the same as others, hee was a man with a mark on his back.

 

 

 

Now lets see... After the first line it dosen't need a full stop, so a comma would be good. Though then it dosen't fit in... Perhaps change the wording there.

 

Second sentence has to end after "A boy was made there."

 

Last segment in this one part has "hee". Now I do not believe there is such thing as "hee", and I believe it is just a simple sticky key or accidental letter press. It should be "he".

 

 

 

There, I would recomend getting it checked over by a friend or parent, but I hope you get better at writing :thumbup:

[oose]

Chapter 2

 

The New Path He Chose

 

 

 

In the Village of Tinte, the merchants walked by, and the markets were set up!

 

" Buy Your Corn Here!!"

 

 

 

"Buy Bread, Fresh Bread!!!!"

 

 

 

With no money, Rahil walked up to people and asked. "do you have money sir?" "Madam, do you have money?" No luck for the young Rahil.

 

 

 

But one person walked up to Rahil, and snatched him away."Young boy, I believe that you have ran away from you family. Is this true?" said the mysterious man. "yes, how do you know?" "I am a sorcerer known as Vlatchkin(VLA-TCH-KIN)!!!" "what?" " I can feel your sorrows wither by me. I can sense your destiny as a warrior!" " A warrior! A real Warrior!" Rahil was so amazed by Vlatchkin's sentences! " I shall have your profecy ready! When you return. I shall await here in my home of the Tinte Village!" Vlatchkin stood up, and pulled out a box. " This is the dagger of 1000 souls. It shall make you happy, and it shall make you grow power!" Rahil took the box, and put it in his jacket. That's when he ran away to a small closed park.

 

 

 

As he pulled out the dagger, Souls appeared to come out of the blade! Rahil then took a deep breath, and the soul consumed his body! He was no longer in control! His eyes grew with power, his thoughts were becoming more violent. He, had a new path!

 

 

 

He marched home, and slammed the door open! He heard footsteps coming down from the stairs. " Oh Rahil you came back!" amanda running towards Rahil in open arms! " ah sister I've missed your scent, but this might be the last of my time with you." Rahil grinned, and amanda pulled away saying "why?" Rahil then sliced her throat, with the blood everywhere! "Oh mother, father, your little foster boy is back." weilding that blody dagger, rahil had senses that can smell from a far way. More like a type of hunting animal! As he opened the bedroom(which was where the mother and father slept). He saw his mother laying down. "I wish this wouldn't come to this." In deep anger, he stabbed his mother! It was like the time he brutally stabbed the deer! Well his mother was drentched in blood, and Rahil was now looking for his last prey!

 

 

 

"huuuuuu-raaaaa!!!" Dooly jumped out of a room, and with his sword. He wounded Rahil! " you shall pay for the deaths my foster son!" " But father, I thought we were close?" as the blades hit each other. Sparks flew, and anger arose! " You Killed my family! now i shall kill you!" "you cannot do such a thing!" the moving of the feet was so quickly! Dooly then jumped off the stairway, landing all the way to the floor. " Father! you are a disgrace to my REAL FAMILY!!!" rahil then jumped down, and the fight again happened. Rahil was slowly gaining some ground. Then Dooly tripped on the corpse of his daughter. "woahh!" " you should've left them to die!"

 

"It's not my fault, it's none of our faults you were left alone in your family."

 

 

 

"Shut your mouth! The nexts workds i shall be hearing, will be, My time is out!"

 

 

 

" the last words of mine are...." he then threw a glass at Rahil! It missed. more angered then ever Rahil picked up a piece of wood, and threw it right at Dooly. "I will win this fight Rahil!" " think again you fool!" Rahil took out a bow n arrow! " you are my dear." said rahil slowly. "oh no!" Rahil let go, and Dooly was struck with the poisonus arrow. "Arghhhhhhh!" " you were a fool to come Dooly."

 

 

 

Rahil went back upstairs. Dooly walked, up and outside of his home. He yelled out " I HAVE NOTHING!!!!!!" People rushed towards him, and said "oh no, he's dead!" Thats when some of the group went upstairs. Rahil waited, the more he waited. The more closer they came. "FOOLS!!!!!" Rahil struck one with his dagger, and slashed another persons body into two! Rahil pulled out the bow n arrow, and started to aim and fire. "rush the little boy!! ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" so much intesity. Rahil ran, and left the house.

 

 

 

It wasn't long before he was caught by the Knights Of Tinte. He had a fair trial, but it didn't matter. He was a "The Insane Murderer Of Tinte!"

 

 

 

In his jail cell, you could see these guards. There whole armour was chain. It was full body armor, full leg armor, and a full helmet. Over that was the chains that covered, from head to toe. You could not see their eyes, but they where dangerous guard or cretures. A witch in front of his jail cell, was brutally beaten and whipped by those guards!

 

 

 

With a single punch, they make a bruise thats about 2-3 inches long! they were describes as Ghoul Guards! At the age of 20, Ghoul Guards came in. " Give me your best hit!" said Rahil, with a smile. Soon they made him suffer. The people so scared, but Rahil Managed. Soon after that Rahil, was thrown in the Town square, so people could see him getting beaten up and whipped. The people cheered the guards on. Rahil was so beaten, his face... No one could look at.

 

 

 

They put him on a chair one day, and the mayor said " this is the mask of DOOM!" The mask had [bleep]es on the top, til it covered the whole scalp! it was made of metal. The face part of the mask, had holes to see, and and clear open part to talk! He was then put on a rod, on that stormy night, and the lighting took control of his body! he was fried, and he was still alive. The put on special armour that made him stronger! It had lightning designs on the armour, and over that armour. The priests gave him a long black robe to hid the armour! He was given a dark cape.

 

 

 

Rahil was a New soldier! He was sent off to war to fight off the beasts of Obvla (Ob-Vla)

 

 

 

Chapter 3

 

The war For Obvla!

 

 

 

Cmon people tell me what you think of the past chapters

[oose]

Yea i know blue, but im just trying to fix up the story, thats why i wrote i know there wil be some bad grammer! Just talk about the story ok, thats what i really want to know!

[Bluejayfan94]

I'm not that interested in the story. It dosen't seem to catch my eye as some others do. Sorry man.

[Zonorhc]

You have ridiculous amounts of exclamation marks.

 

 

 

Also, your dialogue needs to be separated with line breaks every time someone different speaks.

 

 

 

And you might want to look into getting some narrative cohesion.

 

 

 

And characters who actually have personalities.

[Nom]

Yeah, I don't think it's generally a good idea, or even at all acceptable, to use exclamation marks in prose, with maybe a few exceptions (like representative of a character's thoughts.) Leave them for the dialogue. And there are way too many of them in there, too.

 

 

 

Sorry, man, but there is almost zero chance that you will find someone willing to overlook the prose aspect. Especially when it's riddled with errors.

[llamster]

Yea i know blue, but im just trying to fix up the story, thats why i wrote i know there wil be some bad grammer! Just talk about the story ok, thats what i really want to know!

 

 

 

Bad grammar will ruin a story, no matter how good the plot is or how well you describe things. Your grammar is downright terrible. Fortunately, spelling and grammar are probably the easiest things to fix.

 

 

 

Also, you shouldn't worry about pronunciations. Just let the reader decide how to say it.