The works of...me?

[pegpenguin]

The Fatal Kiss

 

I can't let go

of my dreams of the past,

but my futures at stake,

I resist the fatal kiss,

cause I can feel that it's wrong,

but I've got too much on my mind

and I'm too filled with passion to care

 

You can't quite see

the troubles of my mind

and when I see you flinch

as you try to understand

the pain is unbearable

and I try to keep it from you

wishing for nothing but your touch

 

They walk by

those lingering stares

suspicious eyes laying us bare

but they don't know our love

and I could not care for them

as long as you stay here

with me, till the end...

 

 

 

The Eternal Shepherd

 

Desires rule our lives

And I'm losing control,

you look for a better way

but mine is a difficult soul

 

In a world of lusts

greed and envy, too much pain

where's the virtue of love

when all we do is in vain

 

And the end is coming

My self lives in the past

mistakes never letting go

and the light is moving fast

 

In a world of lusts

greed and envy, too much pain

where's the virtue of love

when all we do is in vain

 

Pains of these days last forever

when we live for nothing but ourselves

and you're my guide through this cursed sin

I search for you with a heart of purity,

but my flesh cries and fears your love

 

Someday I Swear I'll Understand

 

Sometimes the one you need most

ain't ready for you quite yet

I'll be here till the end of my days

waiting to earn a swollen heart

 

rainy days seem so lonely

when time runs dry, I still wait

holding on to you inside,

 

walking in the sand could never feel so good

the waves crash, and what I know falls through

the cold, it has never felt so warm

and the heat, has never never burned so true

 

So tell me what ya think?

[Earth_Poet]

The Fatal Kiss

 

I can't let go

of my dreams of the past,

but my futures at stake,

I resist the fatal kiss,

cause I can feel that it's wrong,

but I've got too much on my mind

and I'm too filled with passion to care

 

You can't quite see

the troubles of my mind

and when I see you flinch

as you try to understand

the pain is unbearable

and I try to keep it from you

wishing for nothing but your touch

 

They walk by

those lingering stares

suspicious eyes laying us bare

but they don't know our love

and I could not care for them

as long as you stay here

with me, till the end...

 

Not bad. It sounds like its describing a torrid love affair. I would like to see a few more details; it sounds too generalized (and in some places a little cliche) as it is.

 

"futures" should be "future's".

 

"cause I can feel that it's wrong."

 

"cause" is too casual of wording for this poem. It's slang for "because". The line itself is too plain and needs rewriting.

 

The last line on the first strophe deviates too far from any natural rhythm of the poem. It feels clunky coming out of the mouth.

 

Give it another rewrite and share a little more with your readers. How is the pain unbearable? What does it feel like? What do you have overloading your mind? Why do people stare and disapprove? Concentrate on imagery, utilizing your senses (touch, see, taste, hear, smell), especially in a poem about love and intimacy. What does that touch feel like?

 

 

 

The Eternal Shepherd

 

Desires rule our lives

And I'm losing control,

you look for a better way

but mine is a difficult soul

 

In a world of lusts

greed and envy, too much pain

where's the virtue of love

when all we do is in vain

 

And the end is coming

My self lives in the past

mistakes never letting go

and the light is moving fast

 

In a world of lusts

greed and envy, too much pain

where's the virtue of love

when all we do is in vain

 

Pains of these days last forever

when we live for nothing but ourselves

and you're my guide through this cursed sin

I search for you with a heart of purity,

but my flesh cries and fears your love

 

I admit that I wasn't a big fan of this one. Use this one to extract a line or two out of for future poems.

 

Someday I Swear I'll Understand

 

Sometimes the one you need most

ain't ready for you quite yet

I'll be here till the end of my days

waiting to earn a swollen heart

 

rainy days seem so lonely

when time runs dry, I still wait

holding on to you inside,

 

walking in the sand could never feel so good

the waves crash, and what I know falls through

the cold, it has never felt so warm

and the heat, has never never burned so true

 

This final one was my favorite. I think the final strophe was very well written. I like the idea of contrasting rainy days with timing running dry, and cold with heat. It lends to an impression that the narrator is out of sorts with the environment. Maybe (she?) will understand someday. I'd omit the 3rd and 4th lines on the first strophe. They're a bit cliche and don't really seem to add much to the overall poem. You could then combine the 2nd strophe with the first. Finally, pay attention to punctuation. It's okay to have end stops in the middle of a line.

 

Sometimes the one you need most

ain't ready for you yet.

Rainy days seem so lonely

when time runs dry. I still wait,

holding you inside.

 

Walking in sand never felt so good.

The waves crash, and what I know falls

through the cold. It has never felt so warm,

and the heat has never burned so true.

 

It's not a great rewrite, but maybe it will give some ideas.

[Guest Mrmegakirby]

I'm tired, so I'll only critique one.

 

Sometimes the one you need most

ain't ready for you quite yet

I'll be here till the end of my days

waiting to earn a swollen heart

 

rainy days seem so lonely

when time runs dry, I still wait

holding on to you inside,

 

walking in the sand could never feel so good

the waves crash, and what I know falls through

the cold, it has never felt so warm

and the heat, has never never burned so true

 

The first paragraph:

Firstly, don't use the word "ain't". Poetry puts readers at an elated state of mind - and the word "Ain't" seems to counter that.

The rhyme scheme should fit the third paragraph. So, perhaps you could change the second or fourth line around. (Something I thought of for the second line: Isn't quite ready for the start)

 

Second Paragraph:

No problems here. You may want to repeat it at the end as well, but it really depends if you're going for a certain feel.

 

Third:

Again, nothing really wrong with this. One suggestion though (And, i'm tired, so I really don't know :lol:)

 

the cold, it has never felt so warm

and the heat, has never never burned so true

 

You could change it to:

the cold, it has never felt so warm

and the cold, has never never burned so true

 

Again, it depends what effect you're going for.

 

But, great job. Definatly good work, and keep it up :D

[Skeptical]

I really don't like the first one: for some reasons, it reminds me of Twilight.

 

And I agree with Mrmegakirby: don't use "aint" unless you're truly trying to capture street dialogue, or surprise someone with the sudden departure from standard literary technique.

[everhappy111]

Seems like lyrics .