New Blood

[iiLy]

Captain Dursk looked over the wall again, he knew how persistent the dam Zammys were he knew the could sneak up at any time he had to be alert for the sake of his men, all 125 brave souls he had under his name, tonight is odd he thought to himself for the rain was thick today, it covered the men of the 32nd Spears like a blanket on a small child, the men were used to this rain they had been fighting in it for the past 4 months. Even so the rain today was thick, It smelled of iron and blood and men fighting for a cause. The 32nd Were Among the Asgarnian's best, Dursk chuckled to himself, the Elite thats what were called. Every green soldier wanting to join our ranks not knowing the cost of selling your soul to this struggle, not knowing the full on horrors of this war. Dursk had seen some new blood on the battlefield today, more of them come everyday eager to prove themselves, If you make it past the first day in this outfit your not green thought Dursk. The "New Blood" from this morning have already been, as the 32nd say baptized by fire thought the old captain. The captain's thoughts were caught short as he saw un-natural movement by the treeline, he shook his friend Rennen awake, "Hey Rennen get the hell up i got some movement by the treeline". "Alright Dursk Dam ill wake up the boys" Dursk peered out over the scarred landcape in front of the Varrock east gate, Dursk scanned the Landscape, yes there a creature, or man moving in the Trees, "Hey Rennin the boys up yet". "Yeah". "Alright We got contacts by the oak trees at one oclock get your stuff together its about to get rough boys". "Some of the boys are getting excited Rennin". 'Aye Let em Be boys are boys theyll shut up when it goes down". Suddenly a hail of arrows came from the treeline whistling through the air "SHIELDS" yelled Dursk. At once 125 Well trained soldiers raised their shields blocking the incoming arrows. "RETURN FIRE" ordered the old captain. The platoon returned a volley of Razor sharp black arrows at the treeline. At first there was silence, then a large force of Zamorakian soldiers charged out from the forest, "VOLLEY" yelled Dursk, Another volley of black arrows pierced the frontlines of the attackers."Blessed be Saradomin there be a lot ov em eh Dursk" Emoted Rennen. "Maybe to many" Smiled Dursk. The attacking Zamorakians raised wood ladders onto the walls. "DRAW" Ordered Dursk. The 32nd Drew Longswords and kicked down ladders. Suddenly a large blast shook the left side of the wall, a Moan and a crash followed by screms, Dursk Looked to his left, "Saradomin be they demolished the wall" yelled Rennen. "Fall back to the Fountain", yelled Dursk. Dursk dew his longsword and blood and guts spilled all around him, he stabbed and slashed and hacked, bits of bone and sinew splattered his face, he looked to his left and right and could not find Rennen, "FIGHT HARDER MEN, GET TO THE FOUNTAIN" yelled Dursk, The Blood soaked soldiers around him fought with the intensity of raging Furnace, they halted at the fountain "HOLD" yelled Dursk, he looked around him, dam he still couldn't find Rennen. He cleaned his sword on his leggings and locked shields with his right and left man and waited for the enemy to charge, he knew this was the end of Varrock he knew that Rennen was dead and as the Enemy mob of a thousand strong closed in on the 67 remaining soldiers And as Captain Dursk of the 32nd Spears Slashed and stabbed enemy after enemy after enemy, the old captain thought of when he was Green and new and how he met his Friend Rennen. He felt the hot sting of a blade in his leg and back and fell to a knee, he thought of how he had failed in his duty as an arrow pierced his chest, he thought of his men he couldn't protect as he fell on his back. As his eyes closed he took one last look at the rising sun and the flag of his enemy being raised on the Varrock Palace which he could not protect.

 

 

-Idk i felt like doing one of these Fictional stories im not a GREAT WRITER but instead of trolling give me some constructive criticism on how to be better at this i hope you honor this wish =] oh and thanks for non A holish feedback hehe idk what the deel was with the random Capital letters but i fixed that.

[sohkmj1]

Would it kill you to press enter after a few lines? :wall:

[Ronan]

Yea, as has been said: remember to paragraph it properly, even if it is a short story. It'll certainly make people more interested in reading it.

 

On the story itself, it was good. The reader gets a bit of a feel for the character(s), in particular Dursk of-course. I do feel expanding a little on the other soldiers would of been good, although you can understand from the short-story perspective the focus shouldn't be entirely on character expansion. You did elaborate on some of the feelings, in particular the new-soldiers' experiences which was a very good part; not only setting the scene for the regiment but also providing a slight insight into what we're expecting to come next.

 

Setting the scene was done reasonably well - a lot of the imagery could be expanded to lay down more of the surroundings rather than leaving it to the reader's understanding. Albeit, leaving the scene rather vague contributes to the uncertainty of the story and presumably what the soldiers would be seeing.

 

You need to watch out with capitalisation; many of the words are incorrectly capitalised mid-sentence. For example: "The 32nd Were Among the Asgarnian's best", "Even so the Rain today".

 

Some of the wording's a bit off in places, small things such as "your" instead of "you're".

 

You'll also need to watch out a little in regards speech-formatting. Although it works as the reader can presume who's speaking, it may be best to highlight this in places where you've missed who's saying what. There's also proper formatting for speech which would be good to try and do.

 

You definitely get a feel for the story though and it was a nice little read. It could definitely be expanded taking in the constructive criticism you get in this thread to produce a slightly longer story, working on the structure and formatting mainly. The language is good but you may want to exemplify some of the surroundings and characters more, in particular the emotions and feelings of the characters.

 

Nice job! :)