New Rules of Life

[Poopingman]

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for

 

 

 

Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to

 

 

 

people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly

 

 

 

like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of

 

 

 

the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out

 

 

 

a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting

 

 

 

all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of

 

 

 

Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What

 

 

 

did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was

 

 

 

only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would

 

 

 

have voted to keep it alive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have s**

 

 

 

with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently

 

 

 

damaged. I have a better description for these kids:

 

 

 

lucky bastards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect

 

 

 

baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards

 

 

 

are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,

 

 

 

they're pictures of men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.

 

 

 

Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you

 

 

 

have two of them? Okay, we're done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.

 

 

 

There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,

 

 

 

water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but

 

 

 

flavored water is called a soft drink. You want

 

 

 

flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it

 

 

 

melt. That's your flavored water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is

 

 

 

introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,

 

 

 

with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.

 

 

 

And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,

 

 

 

his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations,

 

 

 

Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,

 

 

 

the bigger the a**hole.

 

 

 

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

 

 

 

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,

 

 

 

gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one

 

 

 

Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge

 

 

 

a**hole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: I'm not the cashier!

 

 

 

By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering

 

 

 

my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

 

 

 

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing

 

 

 

"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing

 

 

 

me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

 

 

Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just

 

 

 

been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese

 

 

 

characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.

 

 

 

It's right above the crack of your a**. And it

 

 

 

translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you

 

 

 

did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you

 

 

 

weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just

 

 

 

high.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one

 

 

 

of the seven deadly sins.

 

 

 

ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive

 

 

 

Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker

 

 

 

table was just too da**ed exciting.

 

 

 

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're

 

 

 

already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern

 

 

 

Show."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.

 

 

 

If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat

 

 

 

two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies

 

 

 

based on crappy, old television shows, then you have

 

 

 

to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can

 

 

 

see what's playing on the other screens.

 

 

 

Let's remember the reason something was a television

 

 

 

show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough

 

 

 

to be a movie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: No more gift registries.

 

 

 

You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's

 

 

 

for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

 

 

 

Picking up the stuff you want and having other people

 

 

 

buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white

 

 

 

collar version of looting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more

 

 

 

bathroom attendants.

 

 

 

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a

 

 

 

mint like I just had s** with George Michael. I can't

 

 

 

even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some

 

 

 

freak with a [specialInterest]. I don't want to be on your web

 

 

 

cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't

 

 

 

need to know in months.

 

 

 

"27 Months."

 

 

 

"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And

 

 

 

I didn't care in the first place

[Peter]

Kind of inappropriate for these boards...