Well, this is strange

[Surprise]

I know I already have another post further down (If you must merge it okay) but they're from different contexts of poetry.

 

 

No clue where this came from; this is me writing for a future lover not anybody of current.

---------

 

Guardian Angel:

 

 

Mon amour

For years I’ve searched

I’ve travelled so far

But here you are.

 

I’m sorry if I still en-clasp

It is still hard to grasp

That you are mine

A person so perfectly fine.

 

This I couldn’t foretell

Never do I wish to say farewell

An endless paradise

This needs no finesse

 

So cliché but yes,

A Heart of Gold

A Flawless Soul

God’s Greatest Gift

 

I could go on

And I hope it’s known

You’ve removed all fears

Made everything so crystal clear

 

So thank you,

I have finally found you

I couldn’t ask for more

My heart is truly yours.

[Crocefisso]

I'd recommend abandoning rhyme schemes altogether, mon amis. Only people with incredible command of language and wide vocabularies can pull it off. I gave up long ago. For the rest of us, these artificial rhyme schemes (such as your AABB) sound forced and distinctly unpoetic.

 

Otherwise, some pretty nice sentiments in your poem.

[Nennavari]

I have to agree with Crocefisso insofar as the rhyme scheme goes, but personally I believe it can be worked at. I've been reviewing poetry written by a LJ friend of mine for quite a while, and despite my telling her that she's butchering the rhymes and that she should try something else, she still persists. My point here is that over time her rhymes do seem to have gotten less artificial and cringe-worthy - either that or I've just become desensitised to them under the incessant onslaught :blink:.

 

Nonetheless, perhaps it can be built on if you keep at it. It may be worth noting however that even modern professional poets and critics tend to shy away from rhyme schemes these days (not exclusively, mind you). I doubt that it's because a lack of ability where the poets are concerned, of course - modern poetry just tends to exclude it. Still, poetry has a history of breaking with modern traditions and consensus, be it written by Byron, yourself or any other average Joe, so just write however the hell you want.

 

The content of the poem itself though was somewhat delightful to read, and rhyme scheme aside, you seem to have conveyed a sense of love and gratitude quite well. I'd certainly be willing to read over any future works should you post them up.

[Surprise]

I agree with the rhyme scheme and I do try to avoid when possible but I've been bought up constantly looking at the rhyme scheme and hence for meaning. It's a real backwards way of studying and writing it as they do seem to narrow it greatly. I also accept that this isn't my strongest poem; It's the first time I've ever written about love or openly expressed positive feelings into a written form. Much of my previous poems I've written have been very focused onto death/grievance/unhappiness (one of which is included below.) I personally feel that the dark, depressing side is a lot easier to write about. Probably because I can more easily relate to it that than the positivity of love. Also, I'm writing towards a person who I don't even know yet which is extremely difficult. Mainly because a love poem is written about their amazing features which I know not of hence the partial ambiguity.

 

[hide=sin]

 

 

He lay succumbed,

All emotions benumbed

Hidden in the mountain of sin,

God’s promise was rescind

And Death just grinned.

 

He reached out,

Trying to find the way,

Back to the path of life

Begging with his dying breath,

Please, just one more roll of the dice.

 

Death was not the plan,

He envisioned far more

Love would be outran

He would not take on that sore

It was what he truly abhorred.

 

He had been unaware,

He refused to forbear,

Spinning a web of lies,

Plotting his own demise,

And Death was laughing.

 

 

Satan reigned

His heart bled

The darkness gained

The light fled

And God ran.

 

Hell he was destined

His soul was coarsened

To Death’s tender arm

No longer need to crept

And God wept.

 

The lines were no longer blurry

He could finally see

Why did God not say?

Why must his life pay?

And he died.

 

[/hide]