Nexaduro Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I've gotten back into poetry a little bit. As you might notice, I've been trying to structure the verse a bit more. Still haven't managed iambic pentameter though. The last one is my favourite. They're all short and sweet, I'd like to think, and the two halfs of that one popped into my head suddenly at two times of emotion. -----------------------------------------------------------------Today I'm seeing double andI want to stay that way becauseTilting towers in the rubbleForm reaching hand towards doubled suns Tonight I'm thinking twice againWith a weathered, troubling mindEndeavoring once more to dreamOf heavens by the heavens signed-----------------------------------------------------------------Here in every mindYou will findI'm behindWhat you seekWords you speakWhat am I?Not a lineIs uniqueI'm a lie-----------------------------------------------------------------Not in but ofSanityNot less than loveWorries meDon't grieve for usComfort themDon't die on meCarpe diem!----------------------------------------------------------------- 10:53 PM - retech9691: I feel the need10:53 PM - retech9691: To include many chasms in my story arc10:53 PM - Resistance: You mean plotholes? Remember, Remember, the 4th of NovemberRIP Dawngate ;-; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazycdcm Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Typed something quite vicious to poetry in general, in retrospect decided against posting - perhaps it is just not my thing, and I do not want to dishearten you from something that is yours. The key word from my previous response would have to have been pretentious. It's up to you whether you see that as because of me, or because of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crocefisso Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 If you're going to go for the whole modernist vibe, and I think this is a solid effort, then you need to find a way to maintain the coherence of the poem. In the first poem, the only thing I would say that would not involve infringing upon your creativity is that it needs punctuation - this goes for all three. Other little changes to the first poem might be things like changing 'troubling mind' to 'troubled mind', or changing 'reaching hand', either by making it plural or adding an article. I think the second poem is massively hindered by the random and highly artificial rhyme scheme. I think you should rewrite the poem to express whatever you're trying to express (I'm not quite sure) without a rhyme scheme and, again, with better use of punctuation. Really, this sort of brevity only works well if it is punctuated - just read anything by William Carlos Williams (The Red Wheelbarrow being a very good example) - which can of course include changing where stanzas are to create breaks. My criticisms of poem three are much the same, only with the added view that I find the last line incredibly weak. Perhaps it's because I know Horace quite well (used to read him in Latin quite often), but his style of poetry is not suited to pithy little statements and the use of 'carpe diem' generally is incredibly clichéd. I think using your own words would make your poem richer and, likely, more expressive. Ultimately, I do not want to discourage you from writing poetry and, though I may be completely wrong in everything I've just said, my goal was merely to provide some useful, constructive help in the way I used to on RSOF to aspiring poets. :) "Imagine yourself surrounded by the most horrible cripples and maniacs it is possible to conceive, and you may understand a little of my feelings with these grotesque caricatures of humanity about me." - H.G. Wells, The Island of Doctor Moreau Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now